FADE IN:

EXT. PARKING LOT

BRUCE WILLIS arrives at DULLES AIRPORT in WASHINGTON, D.C. to pick up his WIFE, BONNIE BEDELIA, whom he loves almost as much as post-kill puns. He's now a LOS ANGELES cop, formerly an NYC COP. He gets a parking ticket from DENNIS FRANZ, an AIRPORT COP, formerly an NYC COP. Because NYC cops have more PERSONALITY or something.

INT. A HOTEL OR SOMETHING

WILLIAM SADLER, who is DEFINITELY NOT OLIVER NORTH, is watching a TV news report that is giving VERY IMPORTANT EXPOSITION that we're missing because he is DOING NAKED TAI CHI.

TV REPORTER

The War on Drugs has claimed its first prisoner. Literally no one has been jailed because of the War on Drugs before this guy.

WILLIAM double-punches in front of himself, still naked.

TV REPORTER

(Blinks several times, continues)

Uh...Former US ally, General Manuel Noregia, I mean FRANCO NERO, has been arrested for violating the six-pack, uh, military pact, by selling drugs-

WILLIAM naked-kicks high in the air at an imaginary target.

TV REPORTER

Uh, right, and the dick, uh, dictator-general will be taken in handcuffs to Dulles Airport in DC, instead of a military airport, because...

WILLIAM wiggles his NAKED BUTT directly at the screen.

TV REPORTER

...buttcheeks, I mean, BUT HE'S not going to, uh...

WILLIAM turns off the TV with the intensity of a LITTLE KID PRETENDING HIS REMOTE IS A LASER. He GETS DRESSED and flows into a MARCHING LINE OF MEN IN THE HALLWAY with SCARY MILITARY PRECISION.

INT. DULLES AIRPORT

BRUCE WILLIS

(On payphone)

Hi honey, I'm having the most 1990 scene ever. I was SMOKING IN A RESTURANT inside an AIRPORT TERMINAL WITHOUT A TICKET when you used an AIRPHONE to call my PAGER.

BONNIE BEDELIA

(On Airphone)

That's great! What half-remembered company owns the PAYPHONE that you're using?

BRUCE WILLIS

(On payhone)

Uh...Pacific Bell.

BONNIE BEDELIA

(On Airphone)

Pacific Bell? But you're in DC, they shouldn't be-

BRUCE WILLIS

(On payphone)

Uh-oh, some people in military fatigues are acting suspicious, gotta personally take care of that!

BRUCE hangs up and goes to the AIRPORT POLICE.

BRUCE WILLIS

Excuse me, I just observed a couple of-

The AIRPORT COP turns around. It's DENNIS.

BRUCE WILLIS

Oh! You gave me a ticket earlier, so I can't possibly report suspicious activity to you now. I'll just act like a jackass.

DENNIS FRANZ

Okay, jackass.

BRUCE instead follows the SUSPICIOUS BAD GUYS into a RESTRICTED AREA.

INT. LUGGAGE SORTING AREA

The room is what a CHILD imagines a BAGGAGE HANDLING AREA looks like. It is a mess of CONVEYOR BELTS, LUGGAGE, and STEAM, with NO HUMAN WORKERS.

BRUCE WILLIS

Time to handle some baggage.

The BAD GUYS see him and there is a SHOOTOUT. BRUCE has gotten a GUN into an AIRPORT somehow, but manages to LOSE IT. He grabs a GOLF BAG, brings a GOLF CLUB to a GUNFIGHT, and WINS. He kills one opponent by shoving his head under a ROLLER THING that has some kind of LUGGAGEY PURPOSE.

BRUCE WILLIS

I bagged one guy, but the other one got away.

INT. AIRPORT POLICE HQ

BRUCE has been arrested and is getting cross-examined by DENNIS, the chief of airport police.

DENNIS FRANZ

So you thought you could investigate this because you're a cop from the opposite side of the country who conveniently lost his badge?

BRUCE WILLIS

Yes.

DENNIS FRANZ

And you saw something suspicious, so instead of telling us, you went into an unauthorized area, got into a gunfight, and killed a man?

BRUCE WILLIS

Pretty much, yeah.

DENNIS FRANZ

Ugh, they were probably just luggage thieves! There is nothing wrong with airport security here in 1990!

BRUCE WILLIS

Hey, I'm a cop who plays by his own rules, but I get results!

DENNIS FRANZ

You're a LOOSE CANNON, Willis! You're OFF THE CASE! Give me your badge and gun!

BRUCE WILLIS

...what?

DENNIS FRANZ

I mean we found your badge and gun. Take them and get out of my office!

INT. AIRPORT PARKING GARAGE

BRUCE borrows some office equipment and uses it to take the fingerprints of the dead man as he's taken to the coroner by PARAMEDICS.

PARAMEDIC

The hell are you doing?

BRUCE WILLIS

It’s the new SOP for DOA’s from the FAA. I got a new LMNOP, so be sure to XYZ.

PARAMEDIC

No, the new SOP is to take him to the ACC. Are you with ARFF? This whole situation needs some STD SAS. That was in the new MOA. All of these are real airport acronyms, BTW.

BRUCE WILLIS

(Running off with fingerprinted papers)

G2G, LOL!

INT. AIRPORT

BRUCE calls REGINALD VELJOHNSON.

BRUCE WILLIS

(On payphone)

Glad we could squeeze you into this movie. Did you get those prints I sent you?

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

(On police station phone)

Yeah, I don't have a lot of time to appear now that I'm in Family Matters, but I still got fourth-billing from this one scene. I ran the prints and they belong to a dead man.

BRUCE WILLIS

(On payphone)

Yeah, I know that.

REGINALD VELJOHNSON

(On phone)

No, I mean they belong to a soldier who is supposed to have died in action in Honduras years ago!

BRUCE WILLIS

(On payphone)

Oh my god, we have ZOMBIE SOLDIERS!

INT. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

BRUCE simply barges in to talk to Chief of Air Operations FRED THOMPSON. DENNIS and Communications Director ART EVANS are also there.

BRUCE WILLIS

FRED! I have reason to think the guy I killed in the baggage area is connected to the arriving general!

FRED THOMPSON

...the guy you WHAT?

DENNIS FRANZ

Oh Christ, it's this asshole again. He fought some luggage thieves and thinks he's uncovered the crime of the century.

BRUCE WILLIS

They were trained military guys who used porcelain guns to get through security! Those guns are so rare that they don't even exist in real life! You've gotta shut the airport down!

FRED THOMPSON

No way! This is our busiest time of year! We can't shut down Amity Beach on the Fourth of July, I mean Washington-Dulles on Christmas Eve!

INT. A QUAINT, SNOW-COVERED CHURCH

WILLIAM SADLER and his MEN have entered the most BEAUTIFUL, PICTURESQUE CHURCH, shot the MAINTENANCE GUY, and set it up as their EVIL OPERATIONS CENTER, because they love IRONY. They throw the REALLY BIG SWITCH.

WILLIAM SADLER

(On radio)

Attention all flights, this is the control tower. We're having some difficulties. Please continue to circle the airport until you run out of fuel and crash.

INT. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

All the LANDING STRIP LIGHTS turn off and the radios to the PLANES stop working, even though that's way more of a DIE HARD 4 kind of thing.

DENNIS FRANZ

(To BRUCE)

You're still a loose cannon.

The room's SPEAKER crackles.

ART EVANS

We get signal.

DENNIS FRANZ

What !

FRED THOMPSON

Main speaker turn on.

WILLIAM SADLER

(On speaker)

How are you gentlemen !!

FRED THOMPSON

It's you !!

WILLIAM SADLER

(On speaker)

All your runway are belong to us.

Your planes are on the way to destruction unless you give us a plane to leave the country with General Nero.

FRED THOMPSON

What you say !!

WILLIAM SADLER

The passengers have no other chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha...

The SPEAKER turns off.

FRED THOMPSON

We can redirect the inbound flights that are still far off, but there's absolutely no alternative for the ones that are even a little close! It's not like planes carry lots of extra fuel in case things are off-schedule or anything. Flights are always perfectly on schedule!

BRUCE WILLIS

Can't they land at Washington National Airport?

ART EVANS

If you blinked, you missed that it was shut down from snow. We'll finally talk about other airports several scenes from now.

DENNIS FRANZ

Also, too bad that something as important as airplane radios have no backups, and that no one else in the area can possibly contact them. And that the pilots are so dumb that they'd just circle for hours until they run out of fuel and crash instead of going somewhere else.

FRED THOMPSON

Yes, they'd literally rather die than show up at BWI uninvited.

BRUCE WILLIS

Uh, something about the snowstorm complicating it explains everything. Yeah.

DENNIS FRANZ

I want Bruce arrested just because I'm feeling petty about him being right!

Intrepid reporter SHEILA MCCARTHY simply walks in because this AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROL TOWER is being guarded by a CARBOARD CUTOUT.

SHEILA MCCARTHY

So I saw William Sadler, a disgraced colonel and friend of General Nero, just walking around this airport on the night that the general was supposed to show up. That seems kinda worrying, don't you think?

DENNIS FRANZ

Get both of them out of here!

The PREVIOUSLY NON-EXISTANT GUARDS shove BRUCE and SHEILA into the elevator and leave them on it UNSUPERVISED.

ART EVANS

So we've got an entire almost-finished antenna array in another part of the airport, why don't we use that?

FRED THOMPSON

Brilliant! These incredibly well-prepared military men can't possibly have thought of that. And we'll send the airport SWAT team with you to secure it.

Meanwhile, the elevator STOPS for NO APPARENT REASON, which gives BRUCE the chance to ESCAPE through the CEILING PANEL because he's an ACTION MOVIE HERO.

INT. ANNEX SKYWALK

ART and the AIRPORT SWAT TEAM casually walk single-file down an unmoving moving sidewalk, wearing NO BODY ARMOR, and VERY TRUSTINGLY ignoring the PAINTERS in the room that are located on STRATEGICALLY-PLACED SCAFFOLDS. Hilarity ensues. BRUCE pops out of an air duct and shoots a PAINTER-SOLDIER just in time to save ART.

BRUCE WILLIS

It looks like you had a BRUSH with death!

BRUCE completely defeats an enemy soldier by knocking a SCAFFOLD over onto him. Another scaffold falls onto BRUCE but does almost nothing, probably because he was replaced by a CHEAP-LOOKING MANNEQUIN for the moment of impact.

BRUCE WILLIS

All of the SWAT guys got killed and only one fake painter kicked the bucket!

INT. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

WILLIAM SADLER

(On speaker)

Naughty, naughty! Now you must pay the price!

One of his GOONS hits the lever that makes THE ENTIRE ANTENNA ARRAY EXPLODE. Another lever-throw then makes a PLANE think the GROUND is much lower than it actually is, which isn't actually POSSIBLE.

EXT. RUNWAY

WILLIAM fills the movie's quota for TERRIBLE FAKE AMERICAN ACCENTS by putting on the WORST SOUTHERN ACCENT EVER while pretending to be AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL.

WILLIAM SADLER

(On radio)

Ya'll fixin' tah land 'round these parts? Come on down, 'partner! Grits and barbecue!

WINDSOR AIRLINES PILOT

Jolly good, 'ol chap! Glad to have all this equipment when conditions are like London fog! Cheerio!

We meet several of the PASSENGERS to make it more EMOTIONAL. BRUCE runs out onto the runway with two massive IMPROVISED TORCHES that should save them if the pilots use their EYES, but they DON'T.

The flight CRASHES into the runway, the plane EXPLODES in a GIANT FIREBALL and everybody on board DIES! BRUCE finds a TEDDY BEAR in the wreckage, because we haven't been EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED enough yet.

BRUCE WILLIS

So senseless, so senseless...

EMERGENCY CREWMAN

Yes, what a senseless accident.

BRUCE WILLIS

No, I mean this scene! Why didn't the plane have an altimeter or proximity alarm? Why did it explode instead of just crashing like a normal plane? Did the Colonel just count on this massive snowstorm appearing and killing visibility? Why has no one attempted to trace the false radio signal? Won't the other planes know something's up after the second explosion in five minutes?

They DON'T.

INT. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

FRED THOMPSON

We're going to redirect far-off flights to places as far away as Memphis to emphasize how few and far-between the other airports are.

DENNIS FRANZ

Yes, there are no other airports remotely in the region. No sir, there's no airports at Baltimore-Washington, Richmond, Philadelphia, Charleston, WV, Charleston, SC, Charlotte, Columbia, Raleigh-Durham, Pittsburgh, Harrisburg, (breath) Wilmington, DE, Wilmington, NC, or military airports required to accept them in an emergency.

ART EVANS

Hey, you know that outer marker radio frequency that's just beeping? The one that the terrorists have no reason to listen to, but all the planes would? What if we put out an announcement on that?

FRED THOMPSON

Use more than one radio frequency? What a concept!

They DO. But many of the PLANES still don't leave, because they both have NO EXTRA FUEL and OTHER REGIONAL AIRPORTS DON'T EXIST.

BRUCE isn't allowed into a CRITICAL STRATEGY MEETING, so he makes friends with BACK-ROOM WEIRDO TOM BOWER who happens to have a two-way radio that one of WILLIAM'S MEN dropped. From that he learns that GENERAL NERO has overwhelmed the ONE SOLDIER guarding his plane and taken it over. TOM tells BRUCE how to get straight to the runway they'll be using.

EXT. RUNWAY

BRUCE pops his head out of the MEDIUM-DUTY MANHOLE COVER that sits RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A RUNWAY that JUMBO JETS LAND ON ALL THE TIME. He sees FRANCO'S PLANE coming and STRUGGLES MIGHTILY to get out before it arrives instead of SLIPPING BACK UNDER for thirty more seconds. He reaches the plane first and punches FRANCO in the face.

BRUCE WILLIS

(Actual line)

You’re supposed to stay in your seat until the plane reaches the terminal. No frequent flyer mileage for you.

FRANCO NERO

That's not how frequent flyer miles work!

BRUCE WILLIS

Point is, I'm going to hold you hostage in exchange for the hostages in the air, one of which is my wife.

FRANCO locks him in the cockpit and escapes as WILLIAM'S TEAM arrives. They spend an absurd amount of time shooting at THE MOST BULLETPROOF CARGO PLANE EVER before throwing in THE LONGEST-FUSED GRENADES EVER.

BRUCE WILLIS

Time to hit the same button as everyone watching on VHS.

He jumps into the pilot's seat and hits EJECT, which doesn't exist on CARGO PLANES.

WILLIAM SADLER

The firefighters are coming and can already see us. Let's head straight back to our hideout!

They DO.

INT. DENNIS FRANZ'S OFFICE

DENNIS is berating BRUCE when Special Forces Major JOHN AMOS comes in.

JOHN AMOS

We don't need a loose cannon like you, Bruce! And that's not just a joke, I really did call you that cliché this time!

He leaves for IMPORTANT MILITARY REASONS. ART shows up and shows ONLY BRUCE a map of the surrounding area.

ART EVANS

We've got to get to this church.

BRUCE WILLIS

A church? What is it?

ART EVANS

It's normally used as a house of worship, but that's not important right now.

EXT. QUAINT, SNOW-COVERED CHURCH

BRUCE WILLIS

That guy is pacing back and forth in front of the building you think they're hiding in. I'm going to sneak up on him by myself. If I don't make it, call John's team.

ART EVANS

Why don't we just start by calling them?

BRUCE WILLIS

Because they're jerks and we can't let them be the heroes!

BRUCE sneaks up towards the sentry. His PAGER goes off.

SENTRYMAN

You fool! The first rule of having personal electronics is to silence them when in the theater, or when ambushing someone!

He jumps at BRUCE instead of SHOOTING him or ALERTING the others. ART calls the ARMY team. BRUCE finally stabs the SENTRY'S eye with an icicle.

BRUCE WILLIS

Ice to see you!

WILLIAM'S TEAM escapes and leaves behind a lot of BLINKING LED PANELS as JOHN'S TEAM closes in. They SHOOT A LOT before escaping on SNOWMOBILES.

BRUCE gives chase on one, driving it over IMPOSSIBLY THIN ICE, going up on ONE SKI, doing a JUMP, and finally flying over a MOVING 18-WHEELER and JUMPING OFF in MIDAIR just before his snowmobile EXPLODES from being SHOT TOO MUCH or something.

BRUCE WILLIS

Now it's a snow-blower!

WILLIAM SADLER

He's definitely dead, no need to investigate. Let's move out!

They DO.

INT. JEEP

JOHN'S TEAM is laughing about NOTHING when JOHN SUDDENLY CUTS ANOTHER SOLDIER'S THROAT!

JOHN AMOS

(On radio to William)

I've killed the one guy in our crew who wasn't in on it. Now I can reveal myself to be a bad guy!

SOLDIER

Hey, how did they get the "right" platoon of soldiers sent in? If they called the Pentagon directly, couldn't it have been anyone?

JOHN shrugs.

INT. AIRPORT

BRUCE runs up to DENNIS and the other airport cops with him.

BRUCE WILLIS

Dennis! John and his men are working with the terrorists!

DENNIS FRANZ

You're insane! In fact, I think I should try to arrest you again!

BRUCE pulls out a MACHINE GUN that he took from WILLIAM'S men and fires several rounds at him. The POLICE standing there do NOTHING.

DENNIS FRANZ

I'm not hurt! That gun's full of blanks! So that means you're telling the truth!

BRUCE WILLIS

...blanks?

BRUCE promises SHEILA an exclusive interview if he can use their news helicopter to stop the escape plane in the DUMBEST WAY POSSIBLE.

EXT. RUNWAY

BRUCE WILLIS

(To helicopter pilot)

Yeah, just fly me right over the wing and I'll jump on it. You can't take off if there's someone on the wing, it's science!

HELICOPTER PILOT

Lucky for you, their plane is casually rolling along at like thirty miles an hour.

BRUCE jumps onto the wing and stuffs his JACKET into the wing flaps. JOHN pokes his head out the window and begins shooting at him.

BRUCE WILLIS

Don't shoot! This thing is full of jet fuel and this is an action movie!

JOHN jumps out and they FIGHT.

BRUCE WILLIS

What's to stop the military from shooting you down? And what are you going to do if you make it, retire on the cash in your pocket?

BRUCE is losing, but then JOHN gets sucked into the ENGINE, which BARELY AFFECTS IT AT ALL.

BRUCE WILLIS

I can beat anyone using what's around me. I have a lot of engine-uity.

WILLIAM jumps out onto the wing next and is more successful, knocking off BRUCE and removing his JACKET. BRUCE pulls off the GAS CAP before he falls. JET FUEL begins to gush out.

BRUCE WILLIS

Come on, that wouldn't even happen on a car!

The PLANE finally starts taking off, trailing fuel behind it.

BRUCE WILLIS

Yippie ki-yay, Mr. Falcon.

He IGNITES the fuel trail with his lighter. It BLAZES 1,000 feet across the runway, is uninterrupted when the trail leaves the ground, and then BLOWS THE PLANE UP.

BRUCE WILLIS

Well that was just plane stupid.

THE TRAIL OF FIRE and FLAMING WRECKAGE serves as a LIGHT for all of the other planes to land by. BONNIE'S plane lands and deploys the EMERGENCY SLIDE for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

DENNIS FRANZ

That reminds me, I'll let your parking ticket slide. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

BONNIE slides into BRUCE'S arms.

BONNIE BEDELIA

Oh, Bruce! You saved us! We're so deeply in love and will never part again!

BRUCE WILLIS

Yeah, I have a diehard love for you, baby!

They are SEPARATED at the beginning of DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE.

END