Jennifer really didn't like to be rude, but Harriet the House Plant just would not take a hint and stop talking.

SECOND ACT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DA BLOCK

Longtime assistant manager JENNIFER LOPEZ interviews for a manager's position at SHMALL-MART.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

As you can see, I have great relationships with our regulars, and this has helped me enhance our in-store experience and generate more revenue.

LARRY MILLER

Very impressive. Unfortunately, you don't have a college degree, so I'm afraid you're stuck nodding along with this MBA from Duke.

INSULT TO THE GOOD NAME OF THE FUQUA SCHOOL OF BUSINESS

Client-driven synergy leverages core competencies and enables holistic integration.

(snorts a line of coke)

JENNIFER LOPEZ

THAT'S what a college degree turns you into? Well, maybe I should find a job somewhere that values my skills!

LARRY MILLER

You probably won't until a giant pile of sheer blind luck lands in your lap. This fleece vest and lanyard will be waiting for you when you come crawling back.

JENNIFER goes home to complain to her best friend, LEAH REMINI.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

How DARE they hire someone who understands other aspects of this business beyond customer service?

LEAH REMINI

Right? But since my and my son Dalton's lives revolve completely around you, we've cooked up a zany scheme to carry us through the rest of the movie.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Does it have to be zany?

LEAH REMINI

The guy who directed Nutty Professor II is responsible for this. Of course it does.

INT. THE CITY

JENNIFER is called in for an interview with TREAT WILLIAMS, president of FLOCTER & ZAMBLE, and his top exec and daughter, VANESSA HUDGENS.

TREAT WILLIAMS

I must say, I've never seen a more sparkling résumé than this. Two Ivy League degrees, a Nobel Prize for Physics, a Stanley Cup, eight Razzie noms, AND you breed champion alpacas. Where do you get your energy?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

(agape)

Uh... uh... uh...

TREAT WILLIAMS

Modest, too! So, what do you think we could be doing differently?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

(agape)

Uh... skin cream... bullshit?

TREAT WILLIAMS

What refreshing directness! You're hired.

VANESSA HUDGENS

Dad, if she was actually this fantastically super-awesome, we would have heard of her a long time ago. Shouldn't we do some reference checks?

TREAT WILLIAMS

Don't be silly, Vanessa. Reference checks are the tool of spiteful British men, and we only have one of those. She's in.

JENNIFER returns to DA BLOCK.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Dalton, exactly how zany WAS this scheme?

DALTON HARROD

Pretty standard, actually. I created a fake LinkedIn page that grossly inflates your credentials. As in, it gives you some. And just for good measure, I changed your name to one that makes you sound more talented and credible in your field. From now on, you shall be known as "Gloria Estefan."

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Harsh.

JENNIFER's boyfriend, MILO VENTIMIGLIA, enters.

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

I'm not so sure about this, Jennifer. You're about to do something incredibly dishonest that will probably give you a bad professional reputation before you ever get a good one, and I can't build a home with someone with values like that. Let's make a baby instead.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Milo, I have to do this. I have no informed notion of what Manhattan powerhouse businesswomen are actually like, but I do know that I really want to be one. Besides, we're clearly not on the same page about babies.

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

Yeah, are we ever going to get around to resolving that?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

No, not really. You should just dump me now before you get in the way of the zany scheme.

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

Fine with me. But I'll be back, because nobody in this universe can stop putting up with your shit for long.

The ZANY SCHEME falls through after a quick check of her SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER reveals that her name is actually JENNIFER LOPEZ. She returns to DA BLOCK in shame, where she channels her INITIATIVE and AMBITION into a successful START-UP. She learns that SUCCESS doesn't always mean a FANCY TITLE or EXPENSE ACCOUNT and ends up becoming a much happier PERSON.

END

INT. WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S MORE?

"GLORIA ESTEFAN" meets her new co-workers.

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

Not even remotely pleased to meet you, Gloria. I'm the uptight data nerd who will unsubtly undermine everything you say and do.

ALAN AISENBERG

I'm the quirky scientist who will do all the actual work, thanks to my college degree.

CHARLAYNE YI

I'm your personal assistant who hates heights and that's it.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Well, you look like a team that can pull off a last-second ass-save. Now, the skin cream needs to be 100 percent organic. I heard some moms at Shmall-Mart say that, because if you want all-natural products, you go to Shmall-Mart.

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

Whatever was a Manhattan powerhouse businesswoman doing somewhere so plebeian?

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

(laughs awkwardly)

Pantyhose emergency. I needed a new pair quick and I figured they were the best place for shoppers with giant butts.

ANNALEIGH ASHFORD

Anyway, there's no profit to be had in 100 percent organic. Vanessa's team is likelier to achieve their goal of 50 percent organic and beat you like a redheaded mule.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Well, I think we should give it a go. Annaleigh, go do data. Alan, go do science. Charlayne, get me... what do Manhattan powerhouse businesswomen drink... a latte.

CHARLAYNE YI

Tall, grande, venti? Half or full caf? Skim or 2 percent? Whip? Foam? One, two, three shots?

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

...Yes.

The ZANY SCHEME falls through after JENNIFER proves to have absolutely NO IDEA what she's doing. She returns to DA BLOCK in shame, where she channels her INITIATIVE and AMBITION into a successful START-UP. She learns that SUCCESS doesn't always

END

INT. YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. WE'RE STILL GOING?

"GLORIA" sits back and watches as ANNALEIGH, ALAN, and CHARLAYNE do her JOB.

TREAT WILLIAMS

Hey, Gloria, you know two of those highly specialized skills you listed on your totally credible résumé? We need you to use both of them this week.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Oh, gee, Treat, I don't think I'll have the time. I have... uh... a meeting. With Bill Gates. And the Pope. On the Moon.

TREAT WILLIAMS

Come on, I'm sure you can make the time. You make time for those alpacas, right?

"GLORIA" fucks up completely.

SERIOUS BUSINESSPEOPLE

Wow, you sure are lucky that we find your incompetence cute!

VANESSA HUDGENS

And I kind of regret being instantly jealous of another smart and successful woman. Come to my place and take my research notes.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Wait, really? I thought we were in competition.

VANESSA HUDGENS

We are, but this movie wants the audience to feel something and we have to get that set up.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Damn, and I thought I was out of my depth.

Their colleague, spiteful British man LORD SMARMSBY PONCINGTON-TWAT, watches this from around a CORNER.

LORD SMARMSBY PONCINGTON-TWAT

I don't really have any motive to ruin her, but I shall RUIN her. RUIN HER!!!

(would twirl a mustache if he could grow facial hair)

He discovers within THIRTY SECONDS that JENNIFER's credentials are faked. She returns to DA BLOCK in shame, where she channels her INITIATIVE and AMBITION into a successful start-up. She

OKAY, END

INT. ARE YOU KIDDING? HOW IS THE STORY NOT OVER?!

"GLORIA" goes to VANESSA's apartment, where she sees her ART.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

You can get along with other women AND you can do art? You must be a really well-rounded character.

VANESSA HUDGENS

Yeah, I'd do more art, but I figure nobody will pay five figures for my work just because I'm some rich guy's daughter. That only works for handbags.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Well, if you were my daughter, I'd--

VANESSA HUDGENS

I am!

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

...Okay, enough massive shocks have happened to me in this movie that I've earned at least one good dead faint.

VANESSA HUDGENS

It's true! Treat found you while he was looking for my real birth mother, but he got distracted by your alpaca-breeding talents and forgot about it until two hours ago. Now we can keep being nice to each other!

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

But... we're still on competing teams? Shouldn't we join forces to hide the fact that I can't um der ah do it without my wonderful, brilliant daughter?

VANESSA HUDGENS

Oh, but, Mom, surely all that brilliance comes from you! I mean, you gave me up at age 19 while living in foster care, and now you're the best businesswoman I'd never heard of. If you beat me, I'll understand.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Yes, that's right! The fact that I lucked into an MBA-level job because Treat liked my one idea must mean I've been a business genius this whole time. And to that end, I'm going to tell my team about this magical plant I just remembered I have at home!

VANESSA HUDGENS

What, ginkgo biloba? The thing that's already an ingredient in products by Tarte, Almay, La Roche-Posay, La Mer, Sally Hansen, and L'Oréal, just to name a few?

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Yes, that thing. Thanks for the inspiration, honey!

She presents her IDEA, only to be laughed out of the BUILDING for her lack of ORIGINALITY. She returns to DA BLOCK in shame, where she channels her INITIATIVE and

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS THE END

INT. OH FUCK OFF!!!

LORD SMARMSBY sidles up to "GLORIA."

LORD SMARMSBY PONCINGTON-TWAT

Why, hello, Ms. Estefan. I do hope you're prepared to announce the creation of your skin cream on national television like it's a new iPhone or something.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Of course! Am I not the woman who regularly plays Cards Against Humanity with Elon Musk, Jay-Z, AND the corpse of Steve Jobs that I reanimated myself WHILE breeding champion alpacas? I'm real! What you get is what you see!

LORD SMARMSBY PONCINGTON-TWAT

Well, that's the very thing... I KNOW YOU'RE LYING, NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh crap.

LORD SMARMSBY PONCINGTON-TWAT

Yes, that's EXACTLY what you are! And I am going to reveal this in the middle of your speech, causing a PR disaster for our company and probably sending our stock price reeling, because who would ever take us seriously again after we overlooked your CV being a complete lie? Good God, we really are the worst, aren't we?

"GLORIA" steps up to the podium.

"GLORIA ESTEFAN"

Ladies and gentlemen, the skin cream I invented is the best, but I never would have invented it if this company knew the first thing about human resources. I'm sorry I had to tell you like this, especially now that Vanessa's involved and I'm stomping her heart into the ground in front of all her peers. But, really, it serves you people right for not letting me manage a Shmall-Mart. If sheer blind luck worked for me, it can work for you, as long as you stop being elitist assholes who only care about education and experience and shit. Jennifer OUT.

She leaves and returns to DA BLOCK in

END. GOT IT? FUCKING END!

EXT. AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

JENNIFER runs into VANESSA.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

So I actually did start running that successful start-up. It's surprisingly easy when you have a sassy best friend with a tech-savvy son, both of whose lives revolve completely around you.

VANESSA HUDGENS

And I finished art school, so I guess I'm an artist now. That's how it works. Anyway, want to have a mother-daughter relationship?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Even though I lied my way into your life, humiliated you in front of all of Corporate America, exposed your father's company as a laughingstock, and made zero effort to find you over the course of your entire life?

VANESSA HUDGENS

Oh, why let four little things like that get in the way of genuine female friendship? I mean, we have been CRUSHING the Bechdel test together. CRUSHING it.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

You're right, we have! And that makes this story a feminist one, and that makes it good! Well done, director Peter Segal!

DIRECTOR PETER SEGAL

Why, thank you, Jennifer! I'm sure now I'll get hired for much more prestigious jobs than the ones I've had!

FILM PRODUCERS

(look over his résumé)

Nope. Go make My Spy, pleb.

END... RIGHT?

THIS IS WHERE THE MOVIE ENDS?

YOU'RE SURE?

GREAT. WHEW.

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