FADE IN:

EXT. ENGLAND

Somewhere in ENGLAND, RENEE ZELLWEGER still EXISTS apparently.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

So I’m Bridget Jones again, since that’s the only way a movie studio will even agree to cast me anymore, and my love life is in the shitter now. I left Colin Firth and he married someone else, and Hugh Grant died from a terminal lack of desire to be in this movie. Fuck it, I’m off to have random stranger sex!

She goes to a MUSIC FESTIVAL where she meets PATRICK DEMPSEY.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

I’m a billionaire who started a dating site which uses an algorithm to determine whether two people are compatible, which we’ll pretend is revolutionary, rather than just how all dating websites work. Also the site is called “Qwantify” and my character name is Jack Qwant, which is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

(incredibly drunk)

Wait wait what this isn’t (hic) this isn’t my tent who are you

(falls down)

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Having sex with a total stranger who’s so drunk they literally don’t know where they are is a terrible idea, but on the other hand

(fucks Renee)

A week later she’s at a PARTY where everybody is dancing to “Gangnam Style”, so apparently this movie is set in 2013.

COLIN FIRTH

I’m divorcing my wife. With my life in such a complicated and delicate state of upheaval, hooking up with an ex is a terrible idea, but on the other hand

(fucks Renee)

Later, it turns out Renee is pregnant!

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Oh dear, I don’t know which out of Colin and Patrick are the father! Looks like this is gonna be Maury: The Movie!

COLIN FIRTH

So I’m playing one of the potential fathers in a comedy about a paternity mystery? Mamma mia, here I go again...

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Yes, it’s such a suspenseful question. Will we reveal the father to be my main love interest from the entire trilogy, who won out against his romantic competitor the past two movies running? Or is it some guy we just now made up?

It turns out to be COLIN. OBVIOUSLY.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

Sheesh, can you believe we actually shot an alternate ending for this thing? What a waste of time.

END.