FADE IN:

INT. WOODY ALLEN'S BASEMENT

WOODY ALLEN finishes setting up an OLD CARD TABLE in front of a CAMCORDER.

WOODY ALLEN

Uh, hi, everyone. I know you're expecting to see a real movie with locations and actors and all, but after I made that, everyone who got involved with it wished they hadn't. They hired a bunch of these big scary guys to come over here and threaten to turn me into tapioca pudding if I released it. And, y'know, they could do it. It'd be easy. But I really felt the need to tell this story... again... and, well, I had to make do. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you... "Romantic Atmosphere in Major World City Beloved by Brilliant Auteurs Such as Myself."

He reaches into a nearby CARDBOARD BOX and pulls out a PEZ DISPENSER and a SKIPPER DOLL, standing them up on the TABLE while ducking out of the SHOT.

PEZ DISPENSER

Woe is me. I am so literate and rich and my parents are so concerned with my future. Thank goodness for my young beautiful young blond young girlfriend.

SKIPPER

(falsetto)

Gee whiz, Pez! I must travel to New York City to interview a famous filmmaker that everyone loves and respects for our student paper!

PEZ DISPENSER

That is very odd, Skipper. How is it possible for a college paper to score an interview like that?

SKIPPER

What does it matter? As a student at an exclusive liberal arts school in upstate New York...

PEZ DISPENSER/SKIPPER

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

SKIPPER

...I have so few excuses to go to New York City, the city where millions of people with big dreams will continue to relocate for generations to come.

PEZ DISPENSER

Indeed. Well, I am excited for this trip, as long as we do not have to talk to my parents or deviate from the perfect itinerary that I created by myself.

SKIPPER

I am sure we will do neither of those things!

WOODY presses their mouths together and makes SMOOCHING NOISES. He then props up a skyline made out of LEGO and presses a button on a nearby BOOM BOX, which blasts out a few bars of "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" before he turns it back off.

SKIPPER

This city is magnificent! As a know-nothing hick from some other state, I am bowled over by this scenery that appears in every third movie ever made! Now, Pez, I hope you don't have a problem with me meeting that superlative filmmaker in his hotel room.

PEZ DISPENSER

Not at all! There is nothing the least bit weird or inappropriate about such an arrangement. I will expect an excellent blowjob later in exchange for my respect for your ambition and talent!

WOODY swaps the PEZ DISPENSER for a G.I. JOE with SHARPIED-ON GLASSES.

G.I. JOE

(best attempt at a deep voice)

Greetings, Skipper. I find myself dazzled by your knowledge of film, particularly of my once-renowned oeuvre that has since become stale and easily mocked.

SKIPPER

Are you sure you are not merely dazzled by how little I remind you of your horrible bitch of an ex-wife, who was not so intimidated by your genius that she sounded like a blathering idiot every time she spoke in your presence?

G.I. JOE

Not at all. Our nascent bond is purely artistic and has nothing at all to do with your legs, however lean and supple. Please join my screenwriter for a private viewing of my newest film so you can tell me how fresh and critically unassailable it is.

SKIPPER

I do not care about how this would make Pez feel! Piss on Pez! Piss on all his hopes and dreams!

WOODY puts away the G.I. JOE and the SKIPPER and brings back the PEZ DISPENSER, making it "walk" across the TABLE.

PEZ DISPENSER

Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo. Going for a walk in New York City and thinking my deep man thoughts. I cannot help but feel like--oh, geez!

The CAMERA falls over. We heard a loud, scared SCREECH.

WOODY ALLEN

Well, that's just great!

We see the paws of his cat, PICKLES, walk by, and hear WOODY's footsteps coming closer.

WOODY ALLEN

(slightly offscreen)

Pickles, go upstairs and wait until Daddy's finished making his movie!

PICKLES meows indignantly. WOODY props up the CAMERA and returns to his place, picking up the PEZ DISPENSER once more.

WOODY ALLEN

Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah.

(clears throat)

I cannot help but feel like Skipper finds that virile, experienced older man more attractive than me. Women and older men, right? If only some exotically beautiful young girl would make me feel better about my fragile masculinity.

WOODY pulls out a NESTING DOLL.

NESTING DOLL

(throaty voice)

Hello, Pez. I am the exotically beautiful younger sister of the girl you dated before Skipper. What a coincidence that we are reuniting moments after she upset you so.

PEZ DISPENSER

What an even larger coincidence that we have found ourselves in a situation in which we are compelled to kiss with great passion.

WOODY makes them SMOOCH.

NESTING DOLL

Oh, golly. I felt that kiss right in my vagina. You should be with me instead, owing to our mutual familiarity with New York City.

PEZ DISPENSER

That is certainly the foundation of a strong romance. But I believe I should be loyal to my wonderful girlfriend whom I love very much. I wonder what she's up to right now?

WOODY puts the PEZ DISPENSER and the NESTING DOLL away and replaces them with the SKIPPER and a POLAROID OF HIMSELF.

SKIPPER

Hello, screenwriter who works with G.I. Joe. I wish G.I. Joe did not dislike his own film so much. I am not actually smart enough to understand it, which would be threatening, but I am just smart enough to recognize how profound and insightful it was. I felt it right in my vagina.

POLAROID

Speaking of vaginas, my wife is unfaithful to me. You should probably make your way to the studio while I spend just the right amount of the viewers' time dealing with that. I believe G.I. Joe will be there, being as neurotic as me.

SKIPPER

Did I mention that I do not care about the plans my wonderful boyfriend Pez made at all? Helping big important movie men is a much higher priority! If he responds to my disloyalty by bonding over romantic vintage New York things with Nesting Doll, I will completely deserve it!

WOODY replaces the POLAROID with a TACO BELL BURRITO SUPREME. He presses more buttons on the BOOM BOX, which plays the opening bars to the GIPSY KINGS COVER of "HOTEL CALIFORNIA."

BURRITO SUPREME

(horribly offensive attempt at a Mexican accent)

'Allo. I am... an extremely good-looking and famous ac-torrrrrrrrr.

SKIPPER

Boy howdy, you sure are! I hope the way my brain turns into a sparkly pink glob of goo in your presence doesn't make me less pretty.

BURRITO SUPREME

No, no. I wish to turn more of you into goo. Join me for dinner and I will teach you the ways of, how do you say, ze love.

WOODY turns off the MUSIC and replaces the SKIPPER and the BURRITO with the PEZ DISPENSER. He then holds his CELL PHONE over the PEZ DISPENSER's head.

CELL PHONE

(reporter voice)

This just in! Burrito Supreme seen canoodling with blond dimwit and emasculating Pez!

WOODY puts the CELL PHONE away.

PEZ DISPENSER

What an unfortunate turn of events! And just after I've been roped into spending time with my parents and bringing Skipper with me! Whatever will I do now?

WOODY takes out a PAPER TOWEL ROLL with two of those SUPER-BOUNCY RUBBER BALLS taped to the side.

PAPER TOWEL ROLL

(remember when Will Ferrell played Janet Reno on SNL? Kind of like that)

Hi. I have SEX. For MONEY.

PEZ DISPENSER

Perfect!

WOODY replaces them with the SKIPPER and the BURRITO.

BURRITO SUPREME

Ah, Skipper, I find you as enchanting as... I don't know, one of those women who wear fruit on their heads or something. Run away with me and we will make beautiful intercourse together.

WOODY tries to hold them in one hand while bringing back the POLAROID and the G.I. JOE with the other.

POLAROID

But I wanted to make intercourse with Skipper!

G.I. JOE

Me too!

SKIPPER

What a dilemma! All three of these big important movie men want to make intercourse with me! Maybe I should let them all do it, like the lying, evil whore I am! No, that would be hard to film. Burrito Supreme it is!

WOODY puts the POLAROID and the G.I. JOE away and makes the SKIPPER and the BURRITO smooch.

SKIPPER

Wait a minute! Burrito, do you have a girlfriend who's also extremely good-looking and famous?

BURRITO SUPREME

I confess, I do. But this will not stop you from dancing upon my hat, will it not?

SKIPPER

Oh, serves me right for not spending the day doing romantic vintage New York things with Pez!

WOODY replaces them with the PEZ DISPENSER and a DIRTY USED SPONGE.

DIRTY USED SPONGE

(snarly old-lady voice)

Pez, that girlfriend of yours looks like she has sex for money.

PEZ DISPENSER

That's ridiculous, Mother! I would never debase myself by spending time with a woman in such a tawdry, vulgar line of work!

DIRTY USED SPONGE

Yet here you are with me, and I was in that tawdry, vulgar line of work myself once.

PEZ DISPENSER

(long, loud gasp)

DIRTY USED SPONGE

In fact, I invested the money I earned doing that work into building our family's ludicrous wealth. My only regret was that I was not intelligent enough to justify it. That's why I forced you into developing your taste for romantic vintage New York things. Now you can be better than me and everyone else in America.

PEZ DISPENSER

Mother, I have never respected you more than I have at this very moment. Thank you for doing so much to mold me into the incredibly appealing young man I am. I must now go find Skipper and remind her of my incredible appeal.

WOODY replaces the SPONGE with the SKIPPER.

SKIPPER

Pez, I am so sorry I almost made intercourse with an extremely good-looking and famous actor! Let us enjoy romantic vintage New York things together and pretend I did absolutely nothing wrong.

PEZ DISPENSER

Oh, Skipper, how fortunate that you have come to your senses! Perhaps there is a chance for us after all.

SKIPPER

Actually, I don't really like these romantic vintage New York things.

WOODY holds the PEZ DISPENSER over the SKIPPER's head.

PEZ DISPENSER

HICK! DIMWIT! WHORE!

SKIPPER

Huuuuuh?

WOODY replaces the SKIPPER with the NESTING DOLL.

NESTING DOLL

You are incredibly appealing.

PEZ DISPENSER

As are you. I will be much more content if I drop out of college and take you as my girlfriend immediately after our first non-coerced kiss. Oh, look, it is about to rain! Is rain not the most romantic of all things?

WOODY pours the contents of a WATERING CAN over them. He reaches over and presses a couple more buttons on the BOOM BOX, which plays the opening bars to ETTA JAMES' "AT LAST" before he turns it back off. He finally puts everything away and looks back at the CAMCORDER.

WOODY ALLEN

So, that's the movie. Pretty good, right? Good enough to make people want to work with me again?

His CELL PHONE rings. He answers.

WOODY ALLEN

You've got Woody.

GINA GERSHON

I'll work with you.

WOODY hangs up in disgust.

END