FADE IN:

INT. WOW, THE 80S SURE WERE 80S, WEREN'T THEY?

The STREETS OF MANHATTAN disappear from view beneath a sea of SHOULDER PADS, BUTTON EARRINGS, and HAIR FEATHERS.

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT GOT LOST ON THE WAY BACK FROM A 50S INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO

The American woman has come a long way, baby. All the way into feminism-induced misery, as a matter of fact. No longer content with being barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen, she is now tragically barren and trapped in commitment-free cohabitation, with irreparable calluses from the designer shoes she bought with the money she could instead have spent on a lovely stand mixer. What a truly piteous wretch she is. Yet we must ask ourselves: Is she happy?

CAREER WOMEN

NOT WITH YOU ON OUR SHIT ALL DAY, WE'RE NOT!

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

Now, now, girls. Witness, for example, Diane Keaton, seen here shriveling every testicle within a 10-block radius.

DIANE KEATON

(does her job competently)

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

As you can see, it's women like her who prevent the rest of you from getting a good husband. Here comes her boss, Sam Wanamaker. Let's see if he can set her straight.

SAM WANAMAKER

Diane, if you get this new multimillion-dollar account, I'm going to make you a partner in our firm. But I need to warn you that however cobwebby your loins are now, they're only going to get cobwebbier if you accept.

DIANE KEATON

I'm sorry, how are my loins any of your business?

SAM WANAMAKER

Let's not get hysterical, Diane. I'm just warning you about something your scattered female brain might not have considered. In any event, your loins would be much more of my business if you were hotter, so count your blessings.

DIANE KEATON

I should probably subtly threaten you with a harassment suit, but however hostile my work environment is, I'd rather be in charge of it.

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

Nope, it doesn't look too good for Sam. Let's turn to Diane's boyfriend, Harold Ramis. Harold, can YOU remind Diane what's really important?

HAROLD RAMIS

But I like that she prioritizes her career as much as I prioritize mine.

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

You're part of the problem, Harold.

ELIZABETH BENNETT

(flies gently down into frame)

Might I be of assistance?

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

Why, it's a no-nonsense British lady! They always know what's best for career-obsessed adults. Let's see what happens next.

ELIZABETH BENNETT

Diane, an overseas relative you met once and his wife have died unexpectedly. You are now required to take charge of their two-year-old daughter, Kristina or Michelle Kennedy.

(shoves toddler at her)

DIANE KEATON

Why didn't anyone tell me before now that I was his next of kin? How is this happening within less than 24 hours without any lawyers getting involved? How is it possible that I'm the only remaining relative on Earth of this distant cousin OR his wife? Don't you want to stick around and make sure everything's okay before I take guardianship of this child? How do you know I'm not a blood psychopath or a meth addict or someone who doesn't know which end the bottle goes in?

ELIZABETH BENNETT

I don't. Cheerio.

(opens umbrella, flies back to England)

DIANE KEATON

Okay, Judgmental Disembodied Voice, you always have a lot to say about how I should live my life. YOU tell me what to do next.

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

Oh, Diane, don't be silly. Your natural maternal urges will help you figure it out. And before you say you don't have any, this cute little girl will find them for you.

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

Gaaah!

DIANE KEATON

(waits)

Yeah, nothing's happening.

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

College education will do that to a lady.

INT. DIANE AND HAROLD'S APARTMENT

DIANE and HAROLD stare blankly at KRISTINA or MICHELLE, one of whom stares blankly back.

HAROLD RAMIS

So... how does it work?

DIANE KEATON

Well, you feed it and clothe it and clean it and keep it from chewing through power cords, and then it grows into a person.

HAROLD RAMIS

You mean it's like a puppy that can talk?

DIANE KEATON

I guess.

HAROLD RAMIS

But we can't have one of those here. What if it gets into my mold, spore, and fungus collection?

(points at KRISTINA or MICHELLE)

YOU. STAY.

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

(cries)

HAROLD RAMIS

NOW what is it doing?

DIANE KEATON

(flips through parenting manual)

Um... let's see... oh, here it is. It's expressing displeasure and a desire for comfort.

HAROLD RAMIS

It's sitting on one of our several leather Le Corbusier sofas. How uncomfortable can it be?

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

(keeps crying)

DIANE KEATON

Okay, think. What do WE do when we're uncomfortable?

HAROLD RAMIS

Drink scotch and mock bums.

DIANE KEATON

(flips pages)

No, they don't recommend that. Oh, what's that stuff we drank when we were kids? The stuff used to we put cereal into?

HAROLD RAMIS

I think it's called "malk"?

DIANE KEATON

Yeah, that's it. Run down to the bodega and get some while I try to reason with this thing.

HAROLD RAMIS

The bodega. Right. I'll go to the bodega.

(runs out of the building)

(keeps on running)

DIANE KEATON

(picks up KRISTINA or MICHELLE)

Studies have shown that crying children lead to a 12% average reduction in sleep, which in turn leads to--

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

(giggles)

DIANE KEATON

Oh. Well, I appreciate your flexibility. Now, I have a LOT of spreadsheets to get through, so...

(turns her over)

(looks under her shirt)

(looks into her throat)

How do you get one of these things to sleep? Um...

(flips through manual)

Sing to it. Okay. Can do. "I know that it's crazy, I know that it's nowhere, but there is no denying that it's hip to be square, it's hip to be square..."

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

(resumes crying)

DIANE KEATON

CHRIST. Okay. Fine. "Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this, you know I want to, but I'm in too deep..."

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

(drifts off)

DIANE KEATON

Ugh. Finally.

(puts KRISTINA or MICHELLE in basket on kitchen floor)

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

(poops)

(resumes crying)

DIANE KEATON

FUCK! All right, let's deal with that.

(picks up Brillo pad)

What's taking Harold so long, anyway?

HAROLD RAMIS

(now living in Florida under an assumed name)

INT. DIANE'S OFFICE

SAM and new client PAT HINGLE walk in to find the DESK replaced with a PACK 'N' PLAY, the SWIVEL CHAIR replaced with a HIGH CHAIR, the COFFEE TABLE replaced with a JUMPEROO, and DIANE's POWER SUIT replaced with a SPIT-UP-STAINED BATHROBE.

SAM WANAMAKER

Diane, what's all this? I thought we agreed you'd offload legal responsibility for this minor ASAP.

DIANE KEATON

Well, I tried, but the incredibly fast and inexpensive process of finding suitable adoptive parents and/or babysitters taught me that Kristina or Michelle won't be safe with anyone but me.

PAT HINGLE

Is that a letter opener in her mouth?

DIANE KEATON

Her pacifier got dirty. Seemed like the next best thing. Anyway, let's business.

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

(cries)

DIANE KEATON

As soon as little Krissy or Shelly has her nummy-nums, I mean.

SAM WANAMAKER

You know what, Diane? Forget I ever said anything about you getting Pat's account and making partner. We'll let your underling James Spader do it.

JAMES SPADER

(is JAMES SPADER)

SAM WANAMAKER

Meanwhile, we'll reassign you to something your motherhood-addled brain can handle. There's a hot dog stand on the corner that could use your advice.

DIANE KEATON

Oh, that's great. Demote the person who brings in your highest-paying accounts because she just took custody of a child. Perfect. Have you ever considered subsidizing my child care costs? Or maybe setting up a day care right here in the office so other women can do their jobs and see their kids too? Or MAYBE realizing that management consultants don't actually need to stay up until two making PowerPoint decks every night just to give the client their money's worth, thereby retaining more staff of both sexes instead of seeing them jump ship to tech the first chance they get? Or at least stopping yourself from doing something that would get you slapped with a discrimination suit anywhere else?

SAM/PAT

(pause)

(burst out laughing)

PAT HINGLE

(wiping tears from eyes)

Sam, you said she was a kidder, but I had no idea!

DIANE KEATON

(picks up KRISTINA or MICHELLE)

That's it. Krissy or Shelly and I have had enough of your foul yuppie materialism. We're going to spend the proceeds of that materialism on a bucolic country house, sight unseen.

SAM WANAMAKER

Which you'll furnish and keep up with what income?

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

Gaaah!

DIANE KEATON

Yeah, what she said!

EXT. RURAL VERMONT

DIANE and KRISTINA or MICHELLE move in.

DIANE KEATON

Isn't this wonderful, Krissy or Shelly? Our very own farmhouse! Maybe it's a LITTLE shabby, but it's nothing a white-collar single mom who's never fixed anything more complicated than a zipper can't handle.

HEATING SYSTEM

(fails)

WATER SUPPLY

(disappears)

LIVESTOCK

(live there)

DIANE KEATON

We're lucky you're the best-behaved and most independent toddler that ever was.

KRISTINA OR MICHELLE KENNEDY

Gaaah.

(mends own clothes)

DIANE KEATON

Oh, who am I kidding? This is a fucking nightmare. I can't hold a conversation with any of these yokels. All my clothes turned to flannel overnight. The only ethnic food in town is microwave pizza. I have never been so BORED or FRUSTRATED or HORNY in my entire LIFE.

SAM SHEPARD

Hi.

DIANE KEATON

Uh... how much of that did you hear?

SAM SHEPARD

Every word.

DIANE KEATON

You must think I'm a flailing nut.

SAM SHEPARD

I do.

DIANE KEATON

Any chance you're sensitive and patient enough to put up with that?

SAM SHEPARD

For the rest of all our lives.

DIANE KEATON

Perfect. We'll stay.

She goes home and sauces all the APPLES that grow on her PROPERTY.

TOURISTS

Oh, look! This applesauce was made with apples that grow on trees! How rustic! We'll pay $5.50 per 8 oz jar.

DIANE KEATON

Goddamn, did I fall for homespun marketing this easily when I lived in New York?

She turns the APPLESAUCE into a THRIVING NATIONAL FOOD PROCESSING CONCERN.

SAM SHEPARD

Great work, Diane, but about fifteen minutes of the movie just passed without a glimpse of Kristina or Michelle. Where is she?

DIANE KEATON

Oh, I left her with the cow. She's probably fine.

INT. NEW YORK

SAM, PAT, and JAMES call DIANE in for a MEETING.

PAT HINGLE

Diane, you've proven that you're still capable of making obscene gobs of money while also caring for a tiny human. We'd like to throw obscene gobs of money back at you...

DIANE KEATON

Great!

PAT HINGLE

...by moving your company to Cleveland.

DIANE KEATON

NOPE.

She returns to the 62-ACRE PROPERTY with MOUNTAIN VIEWS, PRIVATE ORCHARDS, and HOUSE FULL OF LAURA ASHLEY FURNITURE that she bought with a MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT'S SALARY.

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

Well, would you look at that? Diane finally learned what was really important in life.

DIANE KEATON

Integrity? Self-respect? Not living in Cleveland?

JUDGMENTAL DISEMBODIED VOICE

No, you ignorant slut. You learned to reject foul yuppie materialism in the best interests of your child.

DIANE KEATON

I did?

END