INT. NORTHERN EXPOSURE CABIN

TOPHER GRACE is a weasely beanpole man who fails at making RAMEN. He gets scared by a CGI MOOSE that was a free 3D asset online. The ALASKAN HAT POLICE bust through the door with MICHELLE DOCKERY.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Topher, you are under arrest for doing something we will explain throughout this movie in bits and pieces.

TOPHER GRACE

(weasels)

Oh no, oh dear, oh man. I surrender. I am France. I will tell you everything. I will squeal like a pigeon. Please, let's make a deal.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

You want a deal? Let me make a phone call.

(picks up the phone like a parent making a pretend call to a child)

Hello, Deal Makers? This is Michelle Dockery. Do you have any coupons for making a court deal? I need one for Topher Grace.

DEAL MAKERS

Yes ma'am. We have some leftover deal coupons. I am sending you one email voucher for a get-out-of-jail-free card.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

There. Now, we have a premise for the movie.

TOPHER GRACE

Hooray.

MOVIE TITLE: FLIGHT RISK (COMING TO PARAMOUNT PLUS TOMORROW)

EXT. THE LANDING STRIP

MICHELLE DOCKERY is taking TOPHER GRACE to a small, rickety plane.

TOPHER GRACE

(weasels)

Oh dear, oh no, oh my. This plane is small and uncomfortable. This makes me want to poop, pee, and cry.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Are you sure you were an accountant for the deadliest mob boss in history? You seem like a guy who bleeds out because he can't get the straw in a Capri Sun.

MARK WAHLBERG pops into the plane and instantly murders both of the main characters because we have all seen the trailer and we know it's going to happen greets his guests with a warm southern drawl.

MARK WAHLBERG

Howdy y'all. I will be your pilot this fine day. We are going to have a hoedown of a good time, ya'hear? This flight will be so smooth you will smack your mama.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh dear, oh my, oh no. I am allergic to Southern kindness.

The plane takes off.

MARK WAHLBERG

Don't mind the turbulence. It's just a few good vibrations. I will get you there in one piece.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

This plane seems a little disrespectful to Alaska's flight business. We could have gotten a private jet from Bethel, Ted Stevens, Merle K, Deadhorse, Dillingham, Gustavus, Homer, Fairbanks International and Kodiak Airport.

MARK WAHLBERG

Where's the fun in that hootnanny? Now ya'll sit back and listen to Blue Monday from New Order. If you act nicely, I might let you hear the cover from the late 90s nu-metal band, Orgy.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Let's establish that no one can hear each other over the plane's engine without the headset.

MARK WAHLBERG

Howdy! We will definitely keep that rule consistent.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh dear, oh my, oh no. That means they can't hear my mousey whines for attention.

MICHELLE notices different blood stains on MARK'S CLOTHES.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

You have a cut on your ear.

MARK WAHLBERG

I was shaving a mountain lion, ma'am.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

And a spot on your shirt.

MARK WAHLBERG

The mountain lion took me out to dinner and I got ketchup on it.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

The lower half of your pants are shredded and bloody.

MARK WAHLBERG

The mountain lion and I went to a vicious Double Dutch competition.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Do you have a dumb story for everything I say?

MARK WAHLBERG

The mountain lion and I are part of an improv troupe.

TOPHER GRACE sees the nametag of the pilot on the floor.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh me, oh my, oh dear. This isn't the right pilot. Michelle, I need your attention.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

I can't hear you over the rumble of the engines, which will be consistent throughout this movie.

MARK WAHLBERG

We are almost to our destination in Seattle. Mind you, Seattle's new airport theme is a wintery execution field with no witnesses.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Hold on! I never told you we were going to Seattle. I question your trustworthiness. Tell me what you think of the Netflix exclusive, The Union.

MARK WAHLBERG

Fine acting all around. It's a great Summer action blockbuster.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

A-ha! Now I know you are lying. Also, when do you get a horrible bald spot? The trailer promised you would be ugly…I mean uglier.

MARK WAHLBERG and MICHELLE DOCKERY start exchanging fists and knife fights. MARK loses the top part of his hair, which ruins his perfect disguise of being mistaken for MARKY MARK.

MARK WAHLBERG

I am crazy now! Stab! Kill! Punch! I want to hang your liver over my dashboard. I am so crazy! I will make you eat at Wahlbergers.

(gives Topher a wedgie and a wet willy)

TOPHER GRACE

Oh dear, oh my, oh geez. I am France. I surrender. I will give you a million dollars if you let me live. I have a rainy day surrender fund for just this case.

MICHELLE grabs her taser and jams it into MARK'S face.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh me, oh my, oh toots. The plane is tipping.

MICHELLE is still tasing MARK's face.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh no, oh dear, oh splat. We are heading toward the ground.

MICHELLE is hour three into tasing MARK.

TOPHER GRACE

Any minute now. We are going to crash.

MICHELLE just finished celebrating Halloween and is ready to decorate for Christmas while tasing MARK'S face.

TOPHER GRACE

Yup, death is here.

MICHELLE celebrates her 5th anniversary of tasing MARK in the face.

MARK falls over with the consistency of his insides like HANDY SNACKS PUDDING. MICHELLE saves the plane.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Let's lock him up before he wakes.

TOPHER GRACE

What was that?? Our pilot just lost one-fourth of his hair and started stabbing us.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

I have narrowed it down to a homicidal assassin or a Southwest Airlines employee.

MARK WAHLBERG

Y'all need a pilot. I can show my true colors now. I am a cross between Heath Ledger's Joker and a "don't drop the soap in prison" joke.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

I will shoot you in the face.

MARK WAHLBERG

You can't because of ricochet. That is the rule for why you can't kill me, and I want you to know we will both be following it for the rest of the movie.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

(Puts engine in quiet mode)

MARK WAHLBERG

I am going to dice up your eyes, nose, and mouth.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Don't listen to him, Topher.

MARK WAHLBERG

I am going to violate every cell of your body single-handedly. I will rip out your eyes and make you watch me ripping out your eyes.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

He is just messing with your mind.

MARK WAHLBERG

I will make you watch The Family Plan at half speed.

TOPHER GRACE

You sick monster!!!

MARK WAHLBERG

Also, I know everything! Michelle, you suck at your job. You kill all your material witnesses.

TOPHER GRACE

What? Do you have a habit of killing your protected custody?

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Just once, but I made a pinkie promise never to do it again.

MARK shuts down so MICHELLE and TOPHER can talk.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

He also has a sheet of paper with a jpeg of your mom's house.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh no, oh dear, oh stink. My mom is dead and chopped into bits. Those bits have been reduced to powder. That powder has been put into a drink, which terrorists are enjoying.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

You got all that from a jpeg of your mom's house? Maybe you are right. There's no way to look up someone's address on today's modern internet, so I can only conclude that there is a mole in the agency.

MICHELLE calls a 4th SPEAKING PART on her SATELLITE PHONE. LEAH REMINI picks up the phone.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Hello Leah, I am on a plane with Topher and Wahlberg. Wahlberg is a trained killer and a master of disguise.

LEAH REMINI

He's trying to kill Topher? Seems like an easy assignment. Just send Red after him to beat him senseless.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

You must send me a pilot with an awful bedside manner.

LEAH REMINI

I can get that.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Also, there is a mole in the agency.

LEAH REMINI

(does shifty eyes)

A mole?

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Yes, I can't trust anyone.

LEAH REMINI

(does shiftier eyes)

You can't trust anybody???

MICHELLE DOCKERY

I can't even trust you with all this information I am sending.

LEAH REMINI

(eyes shift at 100 mph)

You can't trust me????

MONIB ABHAT calls MICHELLE.

MONIB ABHAT

Hello? I am the trained pilot to walk you through flying a plane. Also, I hope you don't think it forward of me to ask if we can be in a committed partnership.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Are you taking advantage of my trauma to get a date…that is so cute.

MONIB ABHAT

Turn left here, follow this course for a few miles, help me pick out drapes for our new home, meet my parents, and don't forget your auto-pilot.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Soooo cute!

MICHELLE calls the DIRECTOR of the AGENCY. PAUL BEN-VICTOR picks up.

PAUL BEN-VICTOR

Michelle, I am soooooo glad you survived Mark Wahlberg's attack. I'm not at all disappointed that you avoided death.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Thank you. I could hear Leah's eyes shifting; she must be the mole. Do not hesitate for a second; send a team to her now and ensure you deal with her in the most final and brutal way possible.

PAUL BEN-VICTOR

Hold on. Let me write all this down on some unmarked bills sent to me weekly from a mob boss.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Suspicious, but I can't hear your eyes shifting.

MARK WAHLBERG escapes, stabs TOPHER GRACE twice, steals MICHELLE'S gun, and starts shooting at her. The ricochet rule gets SHOT in the head first. She grabs a flare gun and sets MARK on fire. She crushes his head with a fire extinguisher.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

I gave him third-degree burns and permanent brain damage.

TOPHER GRACE

Which means he will only be out for five more minutes.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

We need to get you to a hospital. You are bleeding pretty badly.

TOPHER GRACE

I didn't even have a Capri Sun today!!!

PAUL BEN-VICTOR calls.

PAUL BEN-VICTOR

Bad news, Michelle. Leah was accidentally killed in a traffic accident trying to help you. She was in her office when an SUV ran her over, and then the driver accidentally gangland executed her. We are calling it a hit-and-run.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Nooooo! She was three days from retirement. I know you are the mole who sent the assassin. I am going to take you down.

PAUL BEN-VICTOR

Nonsense! Who is going to believe a girl? Mel Gibson? Hollywood? Topher Grace? You have no evidence. Also, can you tell me where you are so I can send assassins to help you?

MONIB ABHAT

I am calling again to see if you want the pork or chicken meal for our wedding and to help you land the plane.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh me, oh my, oh sweet heavens. American fighter jets are tailing us. Will they be an added danger to our landing?

MICHELLE DOCKERY

You are thinking of Speed, Con Air, Air Force One, and Die Hard danger levels. This movie has been 75% phone call interactions and slight adjustments to a plane. The danger need not go any higher.

MARK WAHLBERG

I am free again!!! I will drink your neck juices, play soccer with your arms, and dance on your skull.

MICHELLE shoots MARK in his FUNKY BUNCH. Her gun goes to town on his baby maker. His testicles are more lead than flesh. He is only out momentarily.

RICOCHET RULE

(still dead)

The plane spins around several times, a wheel breaks off, and MARK WAHLBERG flies out of the plane and gets run over by multiple ambulances.

PARAMEDICS make it to the plane.

PARAMEDICS

We have an order to pick up Justin Long, Michael Cera, or Jesse Eisenberg for immediate treatment.

TOPHER GRACE

Hey…I…am…not…those…guys

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Close enough.

PARAMEDICS

We found Mark Wahlberg trampled by vehicles. His skull has been removed from his head. Every bone has been shattered into dust. Our cleaning staff has vacuumed that dust. We are hoping for a speedy recovery.

MONIB ABHAT

What are you doing here, Michelle? Our marriage counseling is in an hour.

MICHELLE notices a SKETCHY BALD GUY get into TOPHER's ambulance.

TOPHER GRACE

That guy has even less hair than Mark Wahlberg. He must be super evil.

MICHELLE opens the door to see SKETCHY BALD GUY suffocating TOPHER.

TOPHER GRACE

Oh…me…oh…my.

MICHELLE shoots SKETCHY BALD GUY.

PAUL BEN-VICTOR

(very loudly from speaker phone)

Did you murder Topher like I asked you to? Also, please ensure the speakerphone isn't on, as I clearly identify myself and share every illegal thing I have ever done.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Gotcha!

MONIB ABHAT

Okay, Michelle, you had your fun, but I need you to sign these divorce papers so I can move on with my life.

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

END