FADE IN:

INT. PARIS, 1870

New opera house owners SIMON CALLOW and CIARÁN HINDS meet ballet instructor MIRANDA RICHARDSON and lead soprano MINNIE DRIVER, who is dressed as a JEWEL-ENCRUSTED COCKATOO.

MINNIE DRIVER

You therrrre-a! Fetch-a my throat spray! Get-a me a less ridicolo hat! And make-a me some spicy-a meatballs!

SIMON CALLOW

Good heavens, I'm feeling buyer's remorse already.

CIARÁN HINDS

Oh, hush. She's the most entertaining thing in this movie.

MINNIE by way of AN ACTUAL OPERA SINGER begins rehearsing, until a BACKDROP falls on her.

SIMON CALLOW

Dear me, what a clumsy fly crew you have!

MIRANDA RICHARDSON

No, it's the ghost who lives in this opera house and really has it out for Minnie for some reason. Not that anyone can blame him.

MINNIE DRIVER

Well, Ghost, you get-a your wish! Just-a TRY to find a prima donna as gloriously over-the-top as La Minnie! NEVER!

(leaves in a huff)

MIRANDA RICHARDSON

No, never. But chorus girl Emmy Rossum can fill in. She's... fine.

CIARÁN HINDS

Is "fine" the best we can do?

MIRANDA RICHARDSON

Yup. Hit it, Emmy.

EMMY ROSSUM

(to tune of "Think of Me")

Think of her

That girl from high school

I think we all know

Remember her

Singing in hallways

Leading every show

She's still in town

She works in PR now

You haven't talked to her in years

When I let out my weak warble

It's her voice you'll hear!

Her TOLERABLY GOOD PERFORMANCE blows the ASSES off the AUDIENCE, including her childhood friend PATRICK WILSON.

PATRICK WILSON

She'd always say

She'd be a star someday

Like that annoying bitch from Glee

But she turned into a hottie

Bet she'd go for me!

He finds her later in her DRESSING ROOM, where she is gazing at a PHOTO of her father, RAMIN KARIMLOO.

RAMIN KARIMLOO

Yup, it's me, Broadway's best Phantom. You're probably wondering how I ended up as a goddamn snapshot--

PATRICK WILSON

Oh, Emmy, how average you were! Who has been training you?

EMMY ROSSUM

I 'unno. He lives in the mirror.

PATRICK WILSON

Oookay. So, dinner?

EMMY ROSSUM

Not tonight. Maybe when you wash that axle grease out of your hair.

PATRICK WILSON

Oh, you kidder. I'll go ahead and order for you.

(leaves)

GERARD BUTLER

(appears in the mirror)

You can do better than THAT. Step through this mirror and I'll show you a good time.

EMMY ROSSUM

I know this is how most Netflix dramas start, but I MUST know who sounds even less suited for his part than I do!

INT. GERARD'S LAIR

EMMY follows GERARD into a CANAL filled with CANDLES, CANDLES, and additional CANDLES.

EMMY ROSSUM

Wait, now I recognize you! You were Dracula four years ago!

GERARD BUTLER

Indeed. That's why I'm in this role. Sadly, it's not the only reason...

(to tune of "The Phantom of the Opera")

Lloyd Webber came to me

And said--

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

(rising from the water)

It's you!

Hugh Jackman isn't free

You'll have to do!

GERARD BUTLER

But I can't sing, my friend

You've lost your mind!

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

The Phaaaaantom of the Opera, you'll be!

GERARD/ANDREW

And so I/he signed!

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

Sing, destroyer of music!

GERARD BUTLER

(like a 14-year-old boy in the shower)

He made me Phantom of the Opera!

Aaaah-ah-aah-ah-aah-ah-aah-aaaah

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

Flatter! Shakier!

GERARD BUTLER

(like a moose in labor)

AAAAH-AH-AAH-AH-AAH-AH-AAH-AAAAH

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

More cotton in your cheeks!

GERARD BUTLER

(like a blender that just became self-aware)

AAAAH-AH-AAH-AH-AAH-AH-AAH-AAAAH

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

Strain harder, damn you!

GERARD BUTLER

(like a throat culture with feet)

AAAAH-AH-AAH-AH-AAH-AH-AAH-AAAAH

AAAAAAAAH

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

STRAIN!

GERARD BUTLER

(like the guy who sings "Monster Mash" getting caught in a thresher)

AAAAAAAAH

AAAAAAAAH

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

STRAIN FOR ME!!!

GERARD BUTLER

(like an air horn imploding)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

EMMY ROSSUM

Wow, that REALLY sucked.

GERARD BUTLER

Right? We have so much in common! I mean, you wouldn't be here if Anne Hathaway had been free...

EMMY ROSSUM

Harsh!

GERARD BUTLER

...therefore, let's get married.

EMMY ROSSUM

I really see you more as an increasingly unfriendly ghost. But let's see if I'll need to double-bag it.

She unmasks his PATHETIC MAKEUP JOB!

EMMY ROSSUM

OH MY GOD YOU... have a bruise under your eye. Whoop-de-doo.

GERARD BUTLER

See? We're a match made in mediocrity!

EMMY ROSSUM

Just take me back above ground, okay? The methane is starting to affect my ability to emote.

GERARD BUTLER

(muttering)

That's not the methane.

EMMY ROSSUM

What?

GERARD BUTLER

Nothing, dearest.

INT. OPERA HOUSE

SIMON, CIARÁN, PATRICK, and MINNIE compare NOTES they've all received.

PATRICK WILSON

These are all signed "G.B."! Who the hell is he?

SIMON CALLOW

Don't be daft. It must be the ghost! Who else would demand that we replace Minnie with Emmy in the next show?

OPERA PATRONS

REPLACE MINNIE WITH EMMY IN THE NEXT SHOW!

MINNIE DRIVER

Ungrateful-a fools! I will-a sing whether they like it or not! FETCH-A MY THROAT SPRAY!

None of them realize that her THROAT SPRAY has been switched with ACME LIQUID BUTLERIZER!

MINNIE DRIVER

(like Jim Carrey is trapped in her esophagus and trying to climb out)

AAH-AAH-AAH-AAH... huh?

And then A STAGEHAND WHO WE DON'T REALLY KNOW OR CARE ABOUT is hanged from the RAFTERS!

GERARD BUTLER

I think I've made my point. Replace Minnie with Emmy or the wig maker is next!

EXT. THE ROOF

EMMY drags PATRICK up there.

PATRICK WILSON

Ready to make out? Great!

EMMY ROSSUM

No! I'm freaking out because the ghost did all that for my sake! If he knows I brought you here, he'll probably kill you, too!

PATRICK WILSON

Then why DID you bring me here?

EMMY ROSSUM

Because he never goes outdoors. Trust me, he has his reasons.

GERARD BUTLER

(lurking in the shadows, sniffling)

Emmy?

PATRICK WILSON

(to tune of "All I Ask of You")

All your talk of phantoms

And late-night trips to lairs

I'm scared

You must be crazy

But I won't let it faze me

We were friends as toddlers

And now you're super-hot

Why not marry each other?

Not like you've got another!

EMMY ROSSUM

Say you won't gaslight me when I tell you:

Butler's real and he would murder you!

Say you're ready to face down my stalker

Promise me and I will say "I do!"

PATRICK WILSON

(ashen-faced)

What did I get myself into?

They make out while GERARD ugly-cries for 51 UNINTERRUPTED SECONDS.

GERARD BUTLER

(like Chad Kroeger trying drag for the first time)

Patrick stole the girl I'd kill to screw!

YES, SON, I'M 'BOUT TO MURDER YOOOUUU!

INT. SIX MONTHS LATER

SIMON and CIARÁN throw THE WORLD'S MOST MONOCHROMATIC MASKED BALL.

PARTY-GOERS

(to tune of "Masquerade")

COME ON, VOGUE!

EVERYBODY COME ON, VOGUE!

COME ON, VOGUE!

LET YOUR BODY MOVE TO THE MU-SIC!

EMMY and PATRICK enter.

EMMY ROSSUM

I don't want anyone to know we're engaged yet, so I put the giant diamond ring you gave me on a chain around my neck, allowing it to rest snugly in my cleavage.

PATRICK WILSON

Take care of your voice, dear. Your gifts are so very few.

EMMY ROSSUM

Oh, dear, everyone at this masked ball is wearing a mask! What if...

GERARD BUTLER

(enters)

...I show up to command you to star in my self-insert fanfic?

EVERYONE

(nonplussed)

GERARD BUTLER

Seriously? Nothing?

EMMY ROSSUM

Well, you're dressed like everyone else and you came in via the stairs. It was kind of meh.

GERARD BUTLER

In that case...

He and PATRICK have a SWORD-FIGHT.

EMMY ROSSUM

Patrick, don't kill him! He taught me how to sing and I've spent most of my life mistaking him for the ghost of my father!

PATRICK WILSON

Well, on the one hand, that explains a lot. On the other hand... gross.

GERARD BUTLER

And that Electra complex is what I've been counting on. Rehearsal's at nine.

(leaves)

PATRICK WILSON

Our only option is to stage his opera so we can catch him!

EMMY ROSSUM

But what if he kidnaps me?

PATRICK WILSON

THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME KILL HIM YOU STUPID LITTLE

INT. STAGE

GERARD and EMMY perform in his OPERA, "SINGING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH EMMY IN FRONT OF PATRICK P.S. LOL."

EMMY ROSSUM

(to tune of "The Point of No Return")

Are we going to bone on stage?

Won't that be awkward?

I figured you'd prefer it in the dark!

GERARD BUTLER

Yes, we're going to bone on stage

In front of hundreds!

Now bring that sweet ass here

And let's get stark!

EMMY ROSSUM

But with these sets and dancers, though?

It's like a Meat Loaf video!

You've got that giant lair

Below us...

GERARD BUTLER

Bitch, we're going to bone on stage!

This is important!

I need to prove a phantom can get laid!

That's why we're going to bone... on...

EMMY rips off his MASK, revealing his EYE BRUISE!

AUDIENCE

(gasps, pauses)

Wait, that's it?

GERARD BUTLER

BLAST! Now they know I'm a monster! There's only one thing I can do now: put the damsel in even more distress!

He takes EMMY back to his LAIR.

GERARD BUTLER

Why won't anyone be nice to me, Emmy? I wasn't even scary enough to fascinate them!

EMMY ROSSUM

Because the only good thing you ever did in your life was to build this architectural marvel of a lair. Other than that, you're a rapey homicidal asshole.

GERARD BUTLER

Oh. You... you got me there.

PATRICK WILSON

(bursts in)

Unhand her, one-third Deadpool!

GERARD BUTLER

So THAT'S how it's gonna be?

He ties up PATRICK.

GERARD BUTLER

Decide, Emmy! Pick me and he walks, or pick him and he dies!

EMMY ROSSUM

You're a really bad listener, you know that? But if it brings this movie to an end, finally...

She plants a SMOOCH on GERARD.

GERARD BUTLER

Yup. Good enough. You can go.

PATRICK WILSON

Really? I thought you'd at least make her go down on you.

EMMY ROSSUM

AND YES IT'S TOO LATE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. But take the ring Patrick gave me to remember me.

GERARD BUTLER

Oh, way to twist the knife!

He disappears somewhere into his MILES-LONG TUNNEL NETWORK and nobody ever sees HIM again.

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

OR DO THEY?

A BACKDROP falls on him.

END