FADE IN:

The DISNEY LOGO gets a “China-chic” makeover with PAGODAS and RICE PADDIES. Classy.

EXT. THE SILK ROAD (NOT THE DARK WEB ONE)

JASON SCOTT LEE does some family-friendly PILLAGING.

JASON SCOTT LEE

Tremble before my vast horde of a dozen guys!

GONG LI appears as a FALCON to help JASON’S “ARMY.”

GONG LI

I’m Jason’s pet Animorph. Okay, witch -- but seriously, remember those wacky Animorph covers? I’m pretty sure one girl turned into a starfish!

JASON SCOTT LEE

Once I’ve killed Emperor Jet Li, witches will be welcome in my kingdom -- so don’t forget, you need me.

GONG LI

Thanks for Mongolsplaining, but I already snuck into the Forbidden City and stood right next to Jet without him knowing, plus I can become a death-falcon. Why exactly don’t I just kill him myself?

JASON SCOTT LEE

...

GONG LI

Well, that settles that. Lead on!

EXT. THIS PROVINCIAL LIFE

Plucky Disney Heroine™ YIFEI LIU frolics as her Disapproving Disney Parents™ TZI MA and ROSALIND CHAO watch.

ROSALIND CHAO

It’s time to see the matchmaker! Get ready for some sweet, sweet domesticity.

YIFEI LIU

That means we must be about to do no one’s favorite song from the original, unless we’ve shoehorned in a new ballad about #empowerment.

TZI MA

Actually, no singing at all this time around.

YIFEI LIU

At least we kept the talking mini-dragon, right?

AWKWAFINA

Sign me up -- hell, I’m already voicing a dragon in another Disney movie!

KEVIN HART

Pick me, pick me! I played a fast-talking, aggressive dude who’s insecure about his height in hmm let’s see, oh right LITERALLY EVERYTHING.

TZI MA

Sorry, but no Mushu, either. We did give you a pointless sister, though.

XANA TANG

(is there)

INT. OG MATCH.COM

Matchmaker CHENG PEI-PEI instructs YIFEI on how BITCHES AIN’T SHIT and also how to pour tea.

CHENG PEI-PEI

Come drink with me. Now, pay attention: if you ever want to land a man, be sure to hide your qi!

YIFEI LIU

But I thought qi is traditionally just a person’s energy or life force?

TZI MA

Nope! Now that Disney owns Star Wars, it’s literally the Force, and it lets you become a fucking Jedi. You see, your blood is full of microscopic organisms called qidichlorians that --

YIFEI LIU

OKAY STOP.

DISNEY

And if you’re wondering how we achieved such Panda Express-levels of cultural authenticity, then...

(gestures with a flourish)

Say hello to our white director, screenwriters, costume designer, composer, cinematographer, editor, casting director, and hell, even the abridged script authors!

YIFEI smashes the tea set and condemns herself to eternal spinsterhood.

TZI MA

There, there. You know what always cheers me up? War! FUCKING WARRRRR!

And right on cue:

ARMY RECRUITER

Hear ye, hear ye! Jason Scott Lee has invaded and we need a man from every family to fight him off.

TZI MA

(tottering up)

Reporting for duty!

YIFEI LIU

The last war did a number on you already, so maybe sit this one out...

TZI MA

Nonsense!

(collapses)

(shits out spleen)

(entire left leg drops off)

YIFEI LIU

Somehow I don’t see this ending well.

YIFEI steals TZI’s SWORD and ARMOR, then rides off and promptly GETS LOST.

YIFEI LIU

Yeesh, do I also not understand sports and think math is hard?

Thankfully a RANDOM SEMI-MAGICAL PHOENIX appears and guides YIFEI through the XINJIANG REGION all the way to a less-problematic filming location.

EXT. LIVE-ACTION REBOOT CAMP

YIFEI reports for duty and meets her TOTALLY INTERCHANGEABLE SOLDIER SIDEKICKS.

SIDEKICK #1

Hey, at least this time we don’t have Harvey Fierstein playing a Chinese guy.

YIFEI LIU

Seeing as I don’t want to attract any undue attention I’d better keep my head down whip out my sword and immediately start a fight!

Commander DONNIE YEN breaks things up.

YIFEI LIU

You’re a little old to be Shang, but I guess I could be into it.

DONNIE YEN

Oh, we got rid of Shang, too.

THE INTERNET

(rages with all the force of a great typhoon)

DONNIE YEN

But don’t worry, you still get a love interest.

YOSON AN and his ABS appear.

THE INTERNET

(wanks swifter than a coursing river)

EXT. TRAINING MONTAGE

DONNIE waves his sword around super fast while everyone watches.

YIFEI LIU

...are we actually supposed to be learning anything from this?

DONNIE YEN

Okay, men, hit the showers.

YIFEI LIU

(hiding under Pig-Pen-style cloud of stank)

Ha, showers are for girls, amirite?!

SIDEKICK #1

GIRLS did you say GIRLS

SIDEKICK #2

Boobies jiggly boobies me likey boobies

SIDEKICK #3

Har har female make sammich

YIFEI LIU

You know, women can actually be more than sex objects, and maybe even have their own opinions! I’m sure if I were a lady I wouldn’t just be unquestioningly loyal to an oppressive government.

(nervous titter)

SIDEKICK #2

Titter tits titties WHERE

YIFEI LIU

Er...Sports! Beer! Periods are gross!

YOSON AN

(flirtatious sniffing)

YIFEI LIU

Egad, what are you -- ooh, wait, is this an “exclusively gay moment?!”

YOSON AN

(dreamily)

If you mean a blink-and-you-miss-it bit that Disney can pat itself on the back for while also being short enough to appease Chinese censors, then yes! Also, you smell like absolute ass.

YIFEI LIU

(swoons)

YIFEI and YOSON flirt-fight through training until she gets bored and activates her QI POWERS.

YIFEI LIU

Yup, I just instantly become more badass than Imperator Furiosa and the bear from The Revenant combined.

DONNIE YEN

Good job making your character relatable! Maybe after the war I can take you home to pillage my daughter’s village, if ya catch my drift.

(weighted pause)

No, for real, I want you two to fuck.

YIFEI LIU

Glad to see we traded in everyone’s favorite Disney bi-con for this!

YIFEI completes her training by running up a mountain.

YIFEI LIU

DRRRAAAAAGGGGOOOOO!

EXT. STEPPE BROTHERS

JASON does fermented mare’s milk shots with his BOYS as FALCONG LI eavesdrops.

JASON SCOTT LEE

(wearing “Female Body Inspector” caftan)

Har har, I totally just took Gong to pillage-prom to win a bet! Bros before hos, amirite?!

GONG LI

(actual line)

Now I know I serve you. I am the slave.

JASON SCOTT LEE

Um...duh. Our entire last conversation was about how you work for me, so why are we playing this like it’s a big reveal? Or maybe I’m really so dumb I forgot you could turn into a falcon before I started trash-talking with my squad.

JASON does that douchey finger-snap thing until the IMPERIAL ARMY arrives.

EXT. THE PLAINS OF ROHAN OKAY CHINA BUT GOOD LUCK UNSEEING THAT

The ARMIES face off and it...actually looks pretty cool?

DONNIE YEN

It’s been a rough start but if we deliver on an epic battle scene maybe it’ll be worth it!

The ARMIES charge -- aww yeah this might finally get good -- but JASON peels off at the last second!

JASON SCOTT LEE

Skrrt!

EXT. JARRING CUT TO SUDDEN HORSE CHASE

YIFEI LIU

And I guess I'm here now, too.

GONG LI

Not for long. Falcon...PUNCH!

GONG delivers a death-blow straight to YIFEI’S YABBOS, but her CHEST BINDER saves her. She celebrates by ditching her ARMOR and TACTICAL TOP-KNOT.

HARLEY QUINN’S HAIR TIE

Seriously?! You don’t have to be fantabulously emancipated from restrictive gender roles and common sense!

YIFEI starts SLAYING harder than BEYONCÉ, but GONG transforms into a CLOUD OF BIRDS.

TIPPI HEDREN

(flees)

GONG LI

Caw caw! Victory is mine.

YIFEI LIU

Do you want to build a snowman, bitch?

YIFEI triggers an AVALANCHE to defeat the FALCON and her WINTER SOLDIERS.

DONNIE YEN

You may have slaughtered Jason's army and saved us all, but you lied about having a dong so we can never trust you again.

YIFEI LIU

Sound logic.

EXT. YET ANOTHER OVERLY COLOR-CORRECTED DESERT

GONG flaps in to find YIFEI moping around.

GONG LI

We’re not so different, Yifei. Join me -- why save the world when you could rule it?

(consults scorecard)

Now I just have to let myself get captured in a glass box or monologue about killing people to stop climate change and I’ll have 2010s Movie Villain Bingo!

YIFEI LIU

But wouldn’t it make for a genuinely fresh twist on the story if we actually did team up against the literal dicks that want us dead, not to mention a better message than some half-assed girlboss platitudes --

(notices DISNEY SNIPERS moving into place)

Uh, I mean...The System Is Right, the System Is Good. We Must Praise The System.

GONG LI

Speaking of subservience, I’d best be off back to Jason -- you see, attacking the main army was a clever ruse so he could sneak into the Forbidden City and kill the Emperor.

YIFEI LIU

First of all, why are you even telling me, and second, did...did you really just rip off the monsters' plan from The Great Wall?

GONG LI

...to be fair, I assumed no one actually watched that. But now that you know the plan I’d better use my deadly witch powers to stop you.

(does absolutely nothing)

YIFEI warns DONNIE and the rest of the SOLDIERS.

YOSON AN

(smoldering)

I believe you, Yifei.

SIDEKICK #1

I believe you.

SIDEKICK #2

I am Spartacus! Oh, and I believe you.

DONNIE YEN

Never in a million years!

(the briefest of pauses)

Okay.

INT. THE FORBIDDEN CITY

JASON sends a polite DUEL REQUEST to JET, because the element of surprise is for SUCKERS.

JASON SCOTT LEE

Forbidden City, dawn. Swords, drawn.

JET LI

You’re on. I have the honor to be your obedient servant, J dot Li.

JASON SCOTT LEE

J dot Lee.

JET waves around AERIAL SILKS, which surprisingly don’t work against ARMOR, and gets captured. But YIFEI and the gang show up just in time for another MEDIOCRE BATTLE!

DONNIE YEN

I’m one with the qi, the qi is with me. I’m one with the qi, the qi is with me.

YOSON AN

Yifei, you go help the Emperor! We’ll finish off Jason’s men with the wall-running powers we somehow now have.

YIFEI runs into GONG.

YIFEI LIU

Help me and you can be free, bird.

GONG LI

This bird you cannot change.

(immediately takes an arrow to save YIFEI)

Bye bye, baby, it’s been sweet love.

JASON SCOTT LEE

Aha, I win! By which I mean I’ll dismiss my back-up and light a tiny fire to slow-roast Jet as I monologue.

YIFEI LIU

It’s like you want to lose.

YIFEI fights JASON until she drops her SWORD into a pit of MOLTEN STEEL.

YIFEI’S SWORD

(gives thumbs up as it submerges)

JET LI

Ooh, is this where you use a fan or a dress to defeat Jason with empowered femininity?

YIFEI LIU

Nah. MAGICAL ARROW KICK, MOTHERFUCKER!

JASON SCOTT LEE

(skewered)

INT. THE MAGIC MIDDLE KINGDOM

YIFEI returns home to find her sister XANA is engaged.

XANA TANG

That's right, girls -- so what if you don’t have superpowers, you can still aspire to marriage!

DONNIE gives YIFEI a SWORD engraved with the army's three virtues, but now with a new fourth one in her honor.

DONNIE YEN

Join Emperor Jet’s patriarchy police and you can enjoy a similar 3-1 wage gap.

YIFEI LIU

Suh-weet! Can I also get a fan-service cameo?

MING-NA WEN

Ugh, fine.

(collects paycheck)

As long as you promise to stay true to yourself like I did -- don't become a cog in the system.

YIFEI LIU

But think of all the lip-service I could pay feminism! #Dynast-she!

MING-NA WEN

All in all, you're just another brick in the Great Wall.

END.