FADE IN:

INT. ANNE HATHAWAY'S HOUSE

ANNIE MUMOLO watches as her best friend ANNE HATHAWAY packs.

ANNIE MUMOLO

Anne, I'm not sure this solo camping trip is a good idea. I mean, nature and quiet and distance from your problems is great and all, but it's not dick.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Well, maybe I've decided that dick is no longer a priority.

ANNIE MUMOLO

Sorry, I must have heard that wrong. Dick NOT being a priority? How does that even work?

ANNE's ex-husband, REID SCOTT, enters.

REID SCOTT

Speaking of which: Anne, you know how I was just about to take our daughter and her friends on the music festival trip of a lifetime while you do your own thing for once in 20 years?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Not happening.

REID SCOTT

Correct. You'll have to accompany Ella to meet her once-favorite boy band, the Non-Threatening Boys, known in text messages and cheaply printed teenybopper magazines as NTB.

ANNE HATHAWAY

But Ella hasn't been into NTB since before she could buy her own tampons.

ELLA RUBIN

Dad has a hard time keeping up, Mom. Remember when he took me to Barney vs. the Teletubbies on Ice last year? Anyway, as much as I'M not into NTB anymore, they've become a secret favorite of divorced moms who swear they no longer care about dick. So this may not be a total waste for you.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You know, I made plans of my own and I can't just--

REID SCOTT

(drives off)

EXT. HUMID AND MUDDY FESTIVAL GROUND THAT SMELLS LIKE WEED, PISS, AND GAS STATION JERKY

ANNE, ELLA, and ELLA'S FRIENDS arrive.

ANNE HATHAWAY

So who should we see first? Those Guys Who Soundtrack Hyundai Commercials? Twelve Plaid-Wearing Beardos with an Accordion? Former Lilith Fair Mainstay Who's Aging Poorly?

ELLA RUBIN

WE'RE going to see Two Balkan DJs with Cardboard Boxes on Their Heads. You don't want to be here anyway, so why don't you just head back to the hotel and pick us up tomorrow?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Shouldn't I at least be on the premises in case you do something stupid?

ELLA RUBIN

Mom, doing something stupid is the whole point. I've already picked out the hipster dirtbag I'm going to fuck in a portable toilet later. One of us still has her priorities straight, you know.

Annoyed, ANNE blunders into NTB's trailer, where she meets group member NICHOLAS GALITZINE.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

(sighs)

Let me guess: You "mistook my trailer for the bathroom."

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yes, actually. Your bodyguards are that useless.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Yeah, okay, maybe I believe that. Let's just get on with this.

(raises eyebrow and taps chin)

ANNE HATHAWAY

Um... is that what "this" is?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Come on, you MUST be here for my signature eyebrow-raise-and-chin-tap combo. It drives all the divorced moms who swear they no longer care about dick absolutely mad.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Listen carefully: This was not an intentionally contrived meet-cute. I've never had an embarrassing crush on you. I didn't even recognize you at first because my daughter tore up all your posters in a fit of pubescent rage five years ago. And I'm not developing an embarrassing crush on you right now.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

You're absolutely sure? I mean, we're in the same room, and it's a pretty damn small room. You must be able to tell that my cheekbones aren't the least bit Photoshopped and my skin smells faintly of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

ANNE HATHAWAY

I, uh... you know what, I'm gonna go find an empty tent to piss in.

(scuttles off)

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Yuuuup. Still got it.

He and the other members of NTB take the stage.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Okay, NTBaes, we're making a totally unplanned change to our set list so I can dedicate this next kissy-kiss wish-fulfillment number to a very special MILF who knows who she is.

(singing)

Baby, baby, you're my girl

I would give you all my world

Let me lick and grope and hump you-ou-ou-ou

SCREAMING TWEENS

(throw panties)

SCREAMING MOMS OF SCREAMING TWEENS

(throw larger and higher-waisted versions of same panties)

INT. BACK HOME

ANNE contemplates the BACHELORS her age.

BACHELOR #1

I'm divorced and not over it.

BACHELOR #2

I'm an annoying pet picture guy.

BACHELOR #3

My banter is semi-charmingly awkward.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yup, I was right. No more dick.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

I tracked you down to the art gallery you own, and now I'd like to make a ludicrously expensive purchase of every single piece.

ANNE HATHAWAY

(sprays like a sprinkler)

Wait, hang on. How creeped out should I be by this?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Nothing creepy going on here. I'm actually getting really into the Lumpy Beige movement in ceramics.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Well, your banter is also semi-charmingly awkward, but you're younger and hotter than Bachelor #3, so I choose to disregard whatever creepiness I felt at first. May I drive you around town in sight of as few people as possible; take you to two private locations, one of which is my house; and give you information about my personal life to which you normally wouldn't be privy until well after the sex got good?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Will I get some ill-advised dry humping out of sitting through that?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Maybe.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

How about sitting through that AND playing an original melody on your piano that Michael Bolton would call boring?

ANNE HATHAWAY

YES.

(lets that happen)

Okay, we're done here. Off you go.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Wait, that's it? Don't you want to see how far down the tattoo on my right pec goes?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Not badly enough to get past the lagoons of mom tears you regularly swim through.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

But I'm thinking that from now on I only want to swim in--

ANNE HATHAWAY

Please just go.

INT. A FEW DAYS LATER

ANNE gets a text from NICHOLAS.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

hey u up

ANNE HATHAWAY

new phone who dis

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

ur new fav person ;) think i left my watch at ur house

ANNE HATHAWAY

yup women have been pulling that one since the edwardians keep trying

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

thought u would like that one since ur so OLD

ANNE HATHAWAY

srsly??? f off with the negging + u prob buy watches by the shipping container anyway

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

lol ur feisty but now im txting 4 booty thats young and hip rite???

ANNE HATHAWAY

u gonna send [eggplant emoji] pix nxt?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

u want sum? real thing in nyc if u want unless my vids do it 4 u

ANNE HATHAWAY

ok im down be there in 12 hrs

She arrives wearing a DRESS that makes her look like a CONDOM-WRAPPED PENIS. (Google "THE IDEA OF YOU DRESS" right now if you don't believe me.) Somehow NICHOLAS stays hard upon seeing this.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Well, that makes you a keeper, if nothing else.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

I wish the industry agreed with you. The fans and the label are happy with all the baby-baby-girl-girl crap, but these days I'm really in it for the music, man. I just don't want to be a joke all my life.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh, you're not a joke.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Really?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Well, not yet. But an ex-boy band member going solo with the same old baby-baby-girl-girl crap, only played on an acoustic guitar this time? THAT would be a joke.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Duly noted. I'll switch to smooth jazz. In the meantime, come on tour across Europe with me.

ANNE HATHAWAY

But--

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

No excuses. Ella's away for the summer, I cleaned out your gallery by myself, and when the world learns I bagged you, all they'll say is "SCORE!"

ANNE HATHAWAY

But--

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

And you'll never have to answer questions about the dick you're not getting again.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Let's fucking go.

EXT. THE NTB GLOBAL SHRIEKGASM TOUR

NICHOLAS and ANNE board the NTB PRIVATE JET.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Oi, mates. Meet Anne. She's gonna be my official shag partner for the tour.

BANDMATES

Noooooiiiiiiiice.

ANNE HATHAWAY

(whispering)

Is it gonna be weird that I'm about 25 years older on average than all their shag partners, to say nothing of two-thirds of your audience?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

(whispering back)

The weirdness makes it hotter for me. And don't pretend you don't look just as good in a bikini as any of them, because you absolutely do. But they have the sense not to dress like prophylactics, so feel free to ask them for pointers.

In between PLANE TRIPS, SHAG BREAKS, and STYLIST SESSIONS, ANNE watches the LADS perform from backstages all over EUROPE.

NTB

(singing)

Baby, baby, you're my world

Be my one and only girl

Bring your friend so I can have two-oo-oo-oo...

ANNE HATHAWAY

You know, your songs aren't all that terrible. Too bad the world will remember every word of "I Want It That Way" in 2040 and not a single note of "Girly Baby Girl Girl Girl Girly-Babe."

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Well, that's what happens when the British music industry pumps out generic pop acts with machine-gun efficiency.

BANDMATES

OI ANNE! D'ya know you're not the first fit bird of a certain age that ol' Nicky 'ere shagged?

ANNE HATHAWAY

...Really.

BANDMATES

And that Simon Cowell came up with the whole changing-the-setlist rubbish and makes us do it every five shows on pain of death?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Really.

BANDMATES

And that you and Nicky should have avoided being seen in public together because your photos are all over Insta now?

ANNE HATHAWAY

REALLY!!!

She storms off. NICHOLAS follows her.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Okay, you can't seriously be mad. Yes, I have a type and it's you. Yes, the obvious bit is a bit. Yes, international travel with one of the most famous hotties on the planet means you may be photographed at some point. I've never had to be good at sex before, so there's no way I've gotten good enough since we met to make you forget all this.

ANNE HATHAWAY

It's fine. I get it. I'm no more special than any other fit bird of a certain age. My fault for thinking otherwise. I guess

(actual title drop)

I got swept up in the idea of you.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

So "the idea of me" was someone other than one of the most famous hotties on the planet? You know what, forget it. You ARE more special than the other fit birds. Wanna know why? Because I DO want to be seen in public with you. I want to be "publicist confirmed" official. With you.

ANNE HATHAWAY

(mightily refrains from squeeing out loud)

And it doesn't matter to you that my teenage daughter will be insanely embarrassed?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

She'll have a direct line to NTB from now on. She'll be the most popular teenager in California who isn't already famous herself. Teenage girls will camp out on your lawn just for a glimpse of me or, failing that, a FaceTime call with me on her phone.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yeah, we're gonna have to reconcile our very different ideas of "embarrassed." But, okay, let's give this a shot.

EXT. BACK IN THE STATES

ANNE reunites with ELLA.

ELLA RUBIN

Mom, I am INSANELY embarrassed that you're dating Nicholas!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yeah, Ella, I think you and I should talk about--

ELLA RUBIN

I mean, if you were gonna fuck a pop star, could you not have picked the taller one from Two Balkan DJs with Cardboard Boxes on Their Heads? Then I could have the shorter one.

ANNE HATHAWAY

I think Nicholas has the shorter one's number.

ELLA RUBIN

I forgive you. Enjoy.

ANNE and NICHOLAS begin to date openly, to the chagrin of REID.

REID SCOTT

I'm not afraid of you, kid. I'll get you out of Anne's life for good. I used to do things with her that used to be illegal in Nevada.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Big deal. I did something with her last night that's still illegal in Essex.

REID SCOTT

Really? Because the woman I cheated on Anne with just dumped me, so I could use some new--NO! This isn't just about Anne! Ella's caught up in all this too!

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Ella... that would be the daughter you blew off so Anne could go to the music festival where she met me? The one whose family you blew up for some tail? That Ella?

ELLA RUBIN

Yes. That Ella. The Ella who says FUCK YOUR FACE, GALENTINES OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING.

She and REID leave.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yeah, this isn't going the way I hoped. The other kids keep leaving NTB sex toys in Ella's locker.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Even the dildo shaped like me?

ANNE HATHAWAY

ESPECIALLY the dildo shaped like you. She has all six colors now. And they've started playing "Maneater" by Hall & Oates over the loudspeaker whenever I walk into Trader Joe's. This just isn't working, Nicholas.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

But... I love you or something?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Honestly, the sex is still fun, but trying to hold a conversation with you is like trying to get an earthworm to recite the Preamble to the Constitution. This may be for the best.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

(sniffles)

Can we try again? Maybe in five years?

ANNE HATHAWAY

You mean when Ella's an adult and any paparazzi who have held back on her so far will let the fuck loose?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

I mean when my solo career has gone to shit and there's no chance I'll be famous anymore, except as a competitor on Strictly Come Baking Off.

ANNE HATHAWAY

True. Five years, LAX, Wahoo's Fish Taco at the international arrivals terminal. See ya then.

INT. FIVE YEARS LATER

ANNE sees NICHOLAS performing one of his SOLO SONGS on TV.

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

(playing acoustic guitar and singing)

Baby... baby...

Once you were my girl...

I'm still waiting to come back into your world...

Promise me...

You'll be...

At Wahoo-oo-oo-oo's...

ANNE HATHAWAY

Good God, he actually remembered. But is it really worth it to be there? I'm finally at peace with my single life, Ella never faced any major psychological setbacks, Reid is some third woman's problem now. Why bother?

BOOK AUTHOR ROBINNE LEE

My point exactly. Not every fictional relationship deserves a happily-ever-after ending. Sometimes breakups are for the best, and readers who make the choice to decenter romance in favor of other facets of their lives deserve their own--

SCREENWRITERS MICHAEL SHOWALTER AND JENNIFER WESTFELDT

NOPE. FUCK YOU. HEA OR BUST.

They slam NICHOLAS and ANNE's faces together.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Hey, what if one of us had gotten together with someone else?

NICHOLAS GALITZINE

Or we just didn't miss each other because we didn't have much of a connection in the first place?

SCREENWRITERS MICHAEL SHOWALTER AND JENNIFER WESTFELDT

STOP THINKING AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER GOD DAMN YOU.

ANNE HATHAWAY

I think these two just summed up the entire romance genre in one line.

END