FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY

CONSTANCE WU is interviewed by JULIA STILES.

CONSTANCE WU

From as far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a stripper. I thought being a stripper was being better than president of the United States. Even before I first wandered into the titty bar for an after school job I knew--

JULIA STILES

Can I stop you here? We get it, the Scorcese influence is noticeable. I'm more interested in hearing about your involvement in the not so famous group of strippers who scammed rich Wall Streeters back in 2014.

CONSTANCE WU

Ah yes, it's like Robin Hood... but with boobie tassels! Very well, I'll tell it. And hopefully it will answer the burning question that surely everyone asked themselves at least once.

(pause)

Just how did the 2008 recession affect the stripper sector of society?

INT. SCORES "MOVES" GENTLEMAN'S CLUB - 2007

CONSTANCE is the NEW GIRL at the club.

CONSTANCE WU

Gee whiz, being a stripper is the pits. I have to tip out everyone in the club including the DJ, and I'm having trouble fulfilling men's fantasies despite being a young, hot, Asian chick.

She meets decked out, resident stripper JENNIFER LOPEZ.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Hello Constance. Did you catch my jaw dropping strip tease? If not it's okay, I'll bring it to the Superbowl half time show in a few months. Suck it Janet Jackson!

CONSTANCE WU

Yeah I saw it, and holy shit, you made the strip scene in We're the Millers look like amateur hour! Then again, every other strip scene ever made does that too.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

I instantly like you, I will teach you my ways. Come, my stripper Padawan, let me nurture you in my fur curtains.

CONSTANCE WU

(pause)

I'm assuming you mean your Mink coat.

JENNIFER introduces CONSTANCE to the rest of the gang, including KEKE PALMER, LILI REINHART, LIZZO and CARDI B.

CARDI B

Now remember, when dancing for a guy, my motto is, "drain the cock, not the clock." Plus you stay in shape because it's a lot of Cardi O.

CONSTANCE WU

Wait, Cardi B? The ex-stripper who admitted to drugging men and stealing their money in a movie about drugging men and stealing their money?

CARDI B

Yep! I once came in here with Bill Cosby, but no one remembers anything after that. Welp, time to disappear for the rest of the movie. Okuurrrrrrrr!

(poof!)

LIZZO

And I'm here too! I can't wait to rile the crowd up with my flute playing! Although, they keep asking if I'd rather play the skin flute instead, whatever that means...

(also disappears)

LILI REINHART

I'm part of the main cast even though I serve no purpose other than to continue the running gag of the barfing stripper! We totally didn't see that in a way better movie this year where the barfing girl at least got a payoff at the end.

KEKE PALMER

And I should probably have a bigger role, but for now I'll just make sure we don't do anything too stupid and end up being Showgirls 2.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Okay okay, now that you've got the moves down, let me teach you how to maximize profits. See, we don't just dance for money. Some men come to the club because they are sad, lonely, and willing to pay for companionship. Do you know what we do with them?

CONSTANCE WU

Chat with them? Befriend them? Make them feel loved in an otherwise harsh world?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

What are you a friggin' nun? We get them to buy us laptops and shit! Now, the easiest people to manipulate are bottom level Wall street brokers. For instance, look at this poor schmuck over here. He's paying for my apartment in Manhattan and I've never even "sniffed his dick."

CONSTANCE WU

That's some high level manipulation. Care to show the audience just how you pulled that off?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Ehhh not really. We're just prepping you for the "business" side of the schemes we're about to pull later on.

CONSTANCE gets the hang of things and she and the other girls make TONS OF MONEY and DANCE FOR USHER and it's practically POLE DANCING DISNEYLAND!

CONSTANCE WU

Strip-a-dee doo dah, strip-a-dee ay! Woo hoo business is booming! And look at all these designer clothes I bought like Fendi and Gucci And Versac-

KEKE PALMER

AHEMMMM. Ix nay on the Er sayce vay.

CONSTANCE WU

Oh, sorry. But anyway, I don't think there's anything in the world that could ruin this!

The 2008 RECESSION hits Wall Street, and the club is now full of nothing but glittery TUMBLE WEEDS.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Damn, Wall Street dick bags were our bread and butter, and now they're at home with their wives whom they hate. We should still stick together though!

CONSTANCE WU

On second thought, now would be a good time to get knocked up by my loser boyfriend and quit altogether. Later!

EXT. 5 YEARS LATER

CONSTANCE kicks out G EASY, her boyfriend, for SUCKING SO BAD. Needing a way to provide for her daughter and her grandmother, she finds JENNIFER again.

CONSTANCE WU

I'm in a low place Jen, and not just because I have to now buy my clothes from

(shutters)

JCPenney.

(weeps)

I tried going back to Moves but business is drier than the bar at the Betty Ford clinic. What's worse, the new Russian girls working there give blow jobs for cheap, and I had to degrade myself to compete. Also, I can't get hired in retail because I have as much experience as a thong itself.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Well, do I have a job opportunity for you! Since there's no business at the club, Keke, Lili and I have this new thing called "fishing." We find rich men at a bar, funnel a metric ton of booze down their throat, bring them back to the club, then run their credit card up and keep a percentage!

CONSTANCE WU

The FUUUUUCK??? How do you even get away with that?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Simple! We mix their drinks with MDMA to make them happy, then ketamine to make them forget! Just call me J.K. ROLLING, beyooootch!

CONSTANCE WU

What if they report you to the police?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

They get laughed at due to the social stigma of men reporting crimes in which they are victim! Isn't it crazy? That one's not even our fault!

CONSTANCE WU

Well, this is a tough one. On one hand, this is our own personal way of getting back at those Wall Street douchebags who fucked over half the country. On the other hand, drugging and stealing their individual money is... not exactly righting a wrong. Plus this is all extremely illegal and we'll most likely get caught, and I'll have to think this over and-

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Blah blah blah, look, would you like to be in this movie's many designer shopping montages and/or celebratory hang out sequences or would you like to go back to the Russian blowjob squad?

CONSTANCE WU

(beat)

LET'S DRUG THESE DOUCHEBAGS!

The girls go FISHING, and ironically, they don't have to use POLES.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY

After the aforementioned shopping and celebratory montages, we cut back to the interview with JULIA.

CONSTANCE WU

It was so great, Jules. We were making wads of cash. Like, LOADS. Like the cash Demi Moore got paid for that other shitty stripper movie.

(pause)

Wow, there aren't a lot of good movies about strippers, are there...

JULIA STILES

So the fishing was a huge success. Especially the part where you would take all the different men to the same bar, sit in the exact same seats, order the exact same shots, then chuck the shots over your shoulder onto the bar in back of you. Evidently, the only people more clueless than your clients were the bartenders.

CONSTANCE WU

Alright so those scenes were a bit repetitive. Care to hear about how our makeshift family celebrated Christmas? We sat around and bullshitted for 20 minutes and contributed nothing to the plot!

JULIA STILES

I see you've got the bonding and comradery part down, but I'm still perplexed. This is a crime story about drugging people and stealing their money, yet somehow none of this actually feels dangerous.

CONSTANCE WU

Nonsense! Now, would you like to see our not-quite-Electric Slide dance?

JULIA STILES

That definitely doesn't help.

EXT. NEW YORK - 2014

Everything continues to go well, until it DOESN'T.

CONSTANCE WU

Oh no! Other girls at the club are copying us and stealing our customers!

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Bitches! I knew I shouldn't have put this in the strip club newsletter! Okay, new plan. We will now operate out of hotels and other places we can control. And we're going to need more girls too. To start, I've recruited Madeline Brewer!

CONSTANCE WU

Nope nope neeeewwp! I've seen that actress before, and she usually plays a character who's either unpredictable, emotionally unstable or a drug addict.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

And yet, I trust her completely for reasons I'll never explain!

LILI REINHARDT

So we have a new problem. Remember before when we used to charge a modest amount to the client's credit card to not arouse suspicion and ensure returning customers? Well now Jennifer is maxing out the cards on the first go and we've burnt through all our regulars.

CONSTANCE WU

Wtf is going on? When did Jen's character turn from smart and savvy to careless and desperate?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

(shopping online)

I could answer you but my pupils have now physically changed into the shape of dollar signs and WOOO HOOO NEW $400 SHOES COME TO MAMA!!!

KEKE comes running up.

KEKE PALMER

We have yet another problem! One of my new clients jumped off a roof and is now unconscious! Plus, it all takes place by a pool and that's the last straw! We're one floppy sex scene away from being a total disaster. I'm out of here!

MADELINE BREWER

And Surprise! I'm a drug addict! Anyone care to bail me out of jail?

CONSTANCE WU

(sitting in a room on fire)

This is fine.

The girls meet STEVEN BOYER, the ONE GUY who isn't an OBVIOUS ASSHOLE. However, he IS the most PATHETIC, DOWNTRODDEN SOUL ON THE PLANET.

STEVEN BOYER

I'm getting divorced, I'm left to care for my autistic son alone, and I just lost my house in a fire. And this movie keeps bleeping out my last name so I'm just gonna assume it's Fuck or Cunt or something.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Cool cool guzzle down this drink, will ya chump?

(drugs him)

(charges his credit card)

(kicks him in the balls)

(smashes his car windows)

(pushes his elderly mother down the stairs)

(tells him his wife never really loved him)

(pantses him)

They max out STEVEN'S CORPORATE CARD for $100,000 and STEVEN is immediately FIRED.

CONSTANCE WU

Jen, you ruined that sad sack's life even more than it already was! Am I the only once with a conscience around here?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Okay I admit, sticking his hand in warm water to make him piss himself was a little mean. As for the money thing, if we didn't do it someone else would have! Now will you excuse me? My Louboutins are a size too small and they've apparently squeezed out my soul.

MADELINE BREWER

Oh hey surprise again! I blabbed the whole thing to Steven! See? I'm a both drug addict AND unpredictable! And now I'll wear a wire in a sting operation to catch you both in the act!

CONSTANCE WU

I should've choked this bitch out when I had the chance.

The girls finally get ARRESTED. After considering what's best for her daughter, CONSTANCE FLIPS on JENNIFER and takes a plea deal. They get SAD or some junk.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Here's my nugget of wisdom I hope will be the takeaway from all this.

(pause)

Motherhood is a mental illness.

CONSTANCE WU

Pick that up in "What To Expect When You're Expecting," did ya? I must have missed the chapter where lying, drugging and fleecing were considered normal forms of behavior.

INT. PRESENT DAY BUT LIKE A LITTLE LATER THAN THE OTHER PRESENT DAY

JULIA'S article is published and CONSTANCE calls her about it.

CONSTANCE WU

So yeah, in my heart I know I did the right thing, but I'm truly sad that I lost my friend and mentor.

JULIA STILES

Bitch, THAT'S the great tragedy of this story? Not the fact that neither of you had to serve any jail time? You could kiss and make up and laugh about how you hustled the system!

CONSTANCE WU

Hey that's not true! Keke and Lili got a few weekends in jail... for some reason. Did you know you could do that?

JULIA STILES

No. America is weird.

CONSTANCE WU

Well look on the bright side! We turned real life events from a New Yorker article into a mainstream Hollywood movie! How often does that happen?

JULIA STILES

True, and we actually asked the real Scores in New York for comment, but they claim they knew nothing about it.

CONSTANCE WU

HAHA RIIIIIIGHT.