EXT. A SCENE OF TWO TEN-YEAR-OLDS SINCERELY FLIRTING, KISSING, AND PLANNING THEIR MARRIAGE

...Okay, this is too awkward to snark about, even for me. Gross.

EXT. TWENTY SOME ODD YEARS LATER

The LITTLE GIRL grows up to be REESE WITHERSPOON, who is now very NEW YORK.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Isn't New York the most amazing city in the world? I find it so amazing that I've become a fashion designer, I'm dating the mayor's son, and I haven't worn any color other than black in at least a decade. Are you convinced that I'm as New York as a human being can possibly be?

(beats up a Red Sox fan with boiled hot dogs)

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Well, I'm convinced! So convinced, in fact, that I've recruited the entire staff at Tiffany to stand around smiling creepily in order to pressure you into accepting my marriage proposal. How about it?

REESE WITHERSPOON

Ummmmmmmmmmm...

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Look, I know you were born elsewhere, and I've made my peace with that. Unless you have any other embarrassing background details to share with me, I--

REESE WITHERSPOON

HA HA HA NO OF COURSE NOT DON'T BE SILLY. Listen, random, but I'm gonna find an espresso cup or a Bloomingdale's bag or some other New Yorky receptacle to breathe heavily into.

(dashes off)

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

Patrick, this woman is clearly hiding basic information about her life from you. We'd better get to the bottom of this, or she'll destroy the political career I forced you into while "accidentally" destroying every pair of tap shoes you ever wore.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Joke's on you, Mother. I can buy my own tap shoes now, and I wear them when Reese and I fuck.

EXT. ALABAMA

REESE crosses the border between SCRUBBED-CLEAN GREEK REVIVAL ALABAMA and PODUNK CHAW-SPITTIN' ALABAMA, where she meets her sort-of-not-really-ex-husband, JOSH LUCAS.

REESE WITHERSPOON

We haven't spoken in seven years. I live in a different corner of the country. I've been dating another man long enough for him to decide to propose to me. That man is just as hot as you and NOT literally covered in dirt. In short, my life and your life couldn't be more incompatible, and that's by design. Now sign these divorce papers, finally.

JOSH LUCAS

Hell naw.

REESE WITHERSPOON

WHY NOT?!

JOSH LUCAS

Cuz someday soon y'all 're gonna realize that I been the man for y'all all along, and I'm plannin' one hell of a kickass barbecue for that day.

REESE WITHERSPOON

We'll see about that! I know some guys in Jersey who'll cut off your dick for a price!

JOSH LUCAS

Yeah? Let 'em! I'll still have a bunch a' papers provin' your legal name is actually--

REESE WITHERSPOON

DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!

She storms off and goes to see her parents, FRED WARD and MARY KAY PLACE.

MARY KAY PLACE

Now, honey, how come y'all ain't visited Paw and me till now? It's like y'all 're embarrassed to 've been born here.

REESE WITHERSPOON

You haven't visited me, either. I'm starting to think we all get terrible migraines if we get too close to each other's states.

FRED WARD

Well, we're still kinda rootin' for y'all to get back together with Josh. He ain't never signed them divorce papers, did he?

REESE WITHERSPOON

No, and evidently I never bothered to Google "divorce by default alabama" until right now.

MARY KAY PLACE

I always said there ain't nothin' good on them devil innernets!

Annoyed, REESE goes to the town ROADHOUSE, where EVERYONE remembers her.

EVERYONE

Hey Reese! Still totally cool with y'all pretendin' all your old friends don't exist!

JEAN SMART

Still totally cool with y'all stompin' my baby Josh's heart into the ground!

ETHAN EMBRY

Still totally cool with y'all usin' the name of my grandpappy's plantation house to hide the fact that your real name is--

REESE WITHERSPOON

GOD WHY DO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND EX-HUSBAND SUCK SO MUCH?! ALSO ETHAN LOVES THE DICK!

EVERYONE

(gasps)

JOSH LUCAS

All right, that's it. I was just draggin' out this divorce to piss y'all off. But y'all just pissed me off even more with your attitude and your high heels and your blouses that never have two shoulders. Y'all can have it.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Oh thank GOD. Now I've got the one thing I came for, and I can go back to my life.

(doesn't)

INT. ACTUAL REAL-LIFE PLANTATION HOUSE THAT HAD SLAVES

REESE goes to apologize to ETHAN.

REESE WITHERSPOON

I was planning on getting the hell out of here, but it seems I have to eat a whole lot of crow first. Sorry I told everyone something about you that's gotten other people tire-ironed.

ETHAN EMBRY

It's cool. They're off that now, long as I never try to get married or take a shit in public. Anyway, what really matters is that Josh 's been tryin' to get y'all back this whole time by becomin' real successful-like.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Really? Why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't HE tell me?

ETHAN EMBRY

We ain't allowed and he duhn't want to.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Then how was he planning to get me back, exactly?

ETHAN EMBRY

I think he said somethin' 'bout a wizard tellin' y'all.

MAYOR CANDICE's aide, KEVIN SUSSMAN, shows up.

KEVIN SUSSMAN

Ms. Witherspoon? I'm not an aide to the mayor of any city, but I am professionally bound to find out as much about your back story as I can. Spill.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Fuck. How to spin all this in a positive way? Well, this is my cousin Ethan, this is the plantation house I grew up in, that's our black housemaid in the kitchen, that's our grandpappy out there wearing the Confederate uniform, and those are the holes he burns into the lawn by blowing shit up for fun every weekend.

KEVIN SUSSMAN

You call this a positive spin?

ETHAN EMBRY

Sure it is! At least her name ain't sumpin' stupid like--

REESE WITHERSPOON

ETHAN, I SWEAR TO GOD, I'D TELL YOU TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS IF I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D ENJOY IT.

INT. NEW YORK

KEVIN returns.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

Ah, Kevin. Did you get all the info we need to stop Reese from shaming Patrick with her inadequacy?

KEVIN SUSSMAN

Did I ever, ma'am. Turns out the South is SOUTHERN.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

I KNEW it.

KEVIN SUSSMAN

But that's not all. Those Southerners get REALLY chatty after you agree to drink moonshine with them. They told me Reese's real surname isn't actually Witherspoon.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

Go on...

KEVIN SUSSMAN

Her legal name is--get this--REESELLINE MAE PIGLICK.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

(spits out coffee)

Oh, good God. She'll never get highlights in this town again if that gets out.

KEVIN SUSSMAN

That's not even the worst part. She was previously married to Josh Lucas, and she not only abandoned him, but she abandoned their DOG.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

...Sorry, I don't follow.

KEVIN SUSSMAN

People like dogs, ma'am.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

You're sure?

KEVIN SUSSMAN

Any dog alive has a higher approval rating than any human being alive.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

Oh.

A beat.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

So you actually drank their moonshine? You didn't tell them anything that would hurt MY image, did you?

KEVIN SUSSMAN

All I said was that you were a manipulative up-her-ass she-beast with liquid refrigerant where her blood should be.

MAYOR CANDICE BERGEN

Excellent.

EXT. ALABAMA

REESE still hasn't left.

REESE WITHERSPOON

You know, I'm starting to think that a person can live in New York and visit their hometown without wanting to open their own veins. Is that crazy?

JOSH LUCAS

Hey, I get why y'all dihn't want to. It's a natural response to the thing that happened that's too traumatic for this movie.

REESE WITHERSPOON

You think maybe now that we have a few years of perspective behind us, we ought to have been adults and resolved our issues before this week?

JOSH LUCAS

But y'all might've moved on for good. I cuhn't let y'all do that.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Well, if YOU'RE not planning to move on, maybe you could finally tell me what you've been doing to win me back without my knowledge.

JOSH LUCAS

I'm savin' that for a moment when it'll REALLY rock your world.

PATRICK shows up.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Darling, Mother told me you've been lying about a bunch of important things and you're really a Piglick of the Alabama Piglicks. Is that true?

REESE WITHERSPOON

Okay, WHO said it?

PATRICK DEMPSEY

I believe her sources have attributed that detail to "some guy in a hat."

REESE WITHERSPOON

Right, him. He never could keep his mouth shut. Yes, it's true, but you should know that the Piglick estate is actually a perfectly normal bungalow. Ethan just let me borrow the plantation house to cover my ass for a few more minutes.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

You're the biggest liar I've ever met. But Mother is still steering me toward higher office, so you'll probably be useful to me someday. Would this Ethan fellow let us borrow the plantation house for the wedding?

REESE WITHERSPOON

Isn't that exactly the sort of thing your mother would want to hide at all costs?

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Oh, she won't mind. Her women's club didn't start admitting Jews until 1976.

INT. GLASSBLOWING STUDIO

REESE and her friends RHONA MITRA and NATHAN LEE GRAHAM enter.

REESE WITHERSPOON

I saw this wineglass in town and I just had to know who designed it, so here we are.

RHONA MITRA

Someone with no imagination, that's who. How is any of this stuff more interesting than anything you'd put on your wedding registry?

NATHAN LEE GRAHAM

(studies a very ordinary bowl)

"Designed by Josh Lucas." What design? It's clear and concave. This isn't exactly the Chihuly Garden, that's all I'm saying.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Wait. Is THIS the thing he's been doing to win me back without my knowledge?

JOSH LUCAS

(appears on the staircase)

Maybe. Did it work?

REESE WITHERSPOON

It seems that it did. But what if it didn't? What if you became a world-conquering billionaire and I still wanted nothing from you except signed divorce papers?

JOSH LUCAS

Then my whole life would've been a waste and I should've stuck with that job at the RaceTrac.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Well, this is a conundrum. Patrick's willing to marry me despite my chronic dishonesty, and Josh has been waiting for me for years despite my extreme coldness. There has to be something to tip the balance. Oh, well, maybe I'll find out at the wedding. To Patrick.

EXT. THE WEDDING

REESE looks at the AUDIENCE, where JEAN is lovingly tying a RIBBON to the neck of the prize DAIRY COW she's brought as a WEDDING GIFT, while MAYOR CANDICE repeatedly rubs HAND SANITIZER all over herself to avoid catching HICK.

REESE WITHERSPOON

And there it is. Fuck off, Patrick.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

All righty.

MARY KAY PLACE

Honey, are y'all sure? I mean, nobody pulls a possum out of a turlet like Josh does, but I always hoped y'all 'd do more with your life than marry the guy y'all started dating before y'all had periods.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Which I have done, long before marrying anyone.

MARY KAY PLACE

But don't y'all wanna be rich enough to buy your mama a nicer turlet? One a' them fancy ones, with buttons?

REESE WITHERSPOON

I'll still be an up-and-coming fashion designer after this, and Josh is going to take the midrange housewares world by storm once the purchasing department at Sears starts returning his calls. I promise, Mama, you'll get that turlet.

She and JOSH remarry and have a DAUGHTER.

THEIR DAUGHTER

Mama, why'd y'all have to name me Glassibelle Jean Piglick Lucas?

REESE WITHERSPOON

It's how we are, darlin'. It's just how we are.

ROLL TIDE