FADE IN:

EXT. CANADA

NOAH REID happily plays a game of SHINNY.

ANNOUNCER GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS

(to tune of "The Hockey Song")

We open on a frozen pond

Where our hero loves to play

Then he gets poached

By some minors coach

JOHN PYPER-FERGUSON

You'll be Sid the Kid someday!

ANNOUNCER GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS

Noah wants to sign

But his parents whine:

MARC JORDAN/OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN (YES, REALLY)

Organized team sports?! Oh, no!

ANNOUNCER GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS

But he takes his shot

And we have a plot

For our lame-ass hockey show!

CAST AND CREW

Oh, the lame-ass hockey show

It's the only thing we know

That will get Canucks to go

See our lame-ass hockey show!

INT. RINK

NOAH plays with a TEAM for the first time and KILLS IT.

ANNOUNCER GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS

Second act:

Well, the kid's a great

Michael Phelps on skates

But something isn't right

NOAH REID

Gosh golly gee!

No one said to me

That hockey players fight!

PLAYERS

Put up the dukes, ya little puke!

Don't reject our status quo!

ALLIE MACDONALD

And also there's a girl somewhere

In this lame-ass hockey show!

CAST AND CREW

Oh, the lame-ass hockey show

Our poor Noah's filled with woe

Hasn't got a punch to throw

In this lame-ass hockey show!

INT. THE BIG GAME

NOAH gets EVERYTHING HE WANTS.

ANNOUNCER GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS

Third act (thank God, it's almost over):

Noah says he'll play

His own damn way

And everybody cheers

Even gets some props

From the Great One's pop

WALTER GRETZKY

How the hell did I get here?

WRITER/DIRECTOR MICHAEL MCGOWAN

As I stack my reels

I can't help but feel

Like this movie's going to blow

2010 TORONTO INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL ORGANIZERS

How the world will scoff

When we kick things off

With this lame-ass hockey show!

CAST AND CREW

Oh, the lame-ass hockey show

Hey, there's Nelly Furtado

In a worthless cameo

In our lame-ass hockey show!

Oh, the lame-ass hockey show

It's a cinematic low

It's like Space Jam but with snow

What a lame-ass hockey shoooooow!

END