FADE IN:

INT. HASTILY BUILT STAGE

The MUSIC kicks in and DIRECTOR OL PARKER steps out, trying to reconcile his 4-INCH PLATFORMS with his 18-INCH PANT RUFFLES.

DIRECTOR OL PARKER

(to tune of "Dancing Queen")

She can't dance

Barely sings, but

All of our cred came from her

Sadly, since she would not come this cheap

I killed off Meryl Streep!

MUSIC

(scratches to a stop)

DIRECTOR OL PARKER

Yeah, I know, we're starting on kind of a down note. But, I mean, this really isn't a character-driven story... and she graciously agreed to pull a Return of the Jedi later... soooo, stick around for that, I guess.

(awkwardly tosses up a big handful of glitter)

EXT. HERE WE GO AGAIN, INDEED

AMANDA SEYFRIED supervises the decoration of HER MOTHER'S HOTEL with the help of her manager, ANDY GARCÍA.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Andy, this opening party has to be AMAZING. We invited millionaires. And journalists. And almost Cher, but I changed my mind because she's a horrible neglectful bitch, even though everyone knows she's going to show up anyway. I mean, how would we get millionaires if not for her, right?

ANDY GARCÍA

(sighs wistfully)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

You're so sensitive and wise.

She gets a call from her boyfriend, DOMINIC COOPER.

DOMINIC COOPER

(to tune of "Fernando")

How's it going there, Amanda?

I've decided that I won't come back

I'm staying in New York

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Way to drop a bomb, you asshole!

What about our plan to stay on this Greek isle until we die?

You said you would only be there for a six-week course--

DOMINIC COOPER

Too bad, I changed my mind!

I don't really care about your dreams

Just come with me, Amanda!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Why would I ever want to learn or grow?

The answer's no, you asshole!

DOMINIC COOPER

Does this number mean we just broke up?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Can't really tell

Let's assume that we are over now

DOMINIC COOPER

Goodbye, you cow!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

You asshole!

She hangs up just as JULIE WALTERS and CHRISTINE BARANSKI arrive.

JULIE WALTERS

(eats a gyro)

How's our favorite little surrogate BFF?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Well, my actual BFFs couldn't be bothered to come back for this one, and I might have just broken up with Dominic, so you'll do.

CHRISTINE BARANSKI

(drinks a goblet of wine)

I'm sure things won't get worse, sweetheart.

A THUNDERSTORM happens.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Um... five of 40 signs pointing the way to the entrance just blew down. It just got worse.

JULIE WALTERS

(eats an entire serving tray of dolmades)

Not really, since everything else looks absolutely perfect.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

How will we get through the next hour with this little tension?!

CHRISTINE BARANSKI

(drinks a cereal bowl of wine)

Well, while I hump Andy's leg, we could always cut between this and your mother's back story at completely random

EXT. 1972

LILY JAMES graduates from OXFORD.

OXFORD

RIGHT. And we don't even have valedictory speeches, but we DEFINITELY have rules prohibiting gold lamé at convocation! How are we to "enjoy the movie for what it is" while you smack us in the face with your lack of plausibility?

LILY JAMES

Look, it's 2018, okay? Just shut your brain off and enjoy the music. Anyway, evidently I obtained no marketable skills from you at all, because I have no idea what to do with my life and I don't even care! Wheeeee!

She travels to SOME GREEK ISLAND that she probably learned about from a PLACEMAT. Along the way, she meets HUGH SKINNER, JOSH DYLAN, and JEREMY IRVINE.

HUGH SKINNER

I'm the nervous one.

JOSH DYLAN

I'm the cocky one.

JEREMY IRVINE

I'm the sensitive one.

HUGH/JOSH/JEREMY

One of us will be responsible for an event that should ruin your life, but somehow doesn't faze you for a second. Choose wisely.

LILY JAMES

(to tune of "Waterloo")

My, my!

I run on uncut estrogen and whimsy

Oh, yeah!

And now these three hot guys all want inside my hideous pants

Which one of them will it be?

How about each of the three?

All of you!

I'm young and I'm blond and I'm up for it!

All of you!

As long as you're hot, I don't give a shit!

All of you!

I'm not a whore

I just love the D!

All of you!

No way that this will end horribly!

I'll bareback with all of you!

Won't even think about pregnancy!

And then she HORKS.

EXT. 2018

AMANDA also HORKS.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Uh-oh. If only I hadn't kind of but not really broken up with--

DOMINIC COOPER

Hi.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Oh. Didn't you say something about an opportunity to manage hotels in New York, instead of co-managing one hotel on an island most people can't pronounce?

DOMINIC COOPER

Yes, but you're not allowed to have an actual problem for some reason, so I came back to be a loving father to the baby we obviously have, even though the only evidence is your hork, which could easily be the fault of poorly refrigerated clams. But now we have a chance to discuss our hopes for the future and

INT. 1972

LILY hangs out with the local bar owner, MRS. STARIOTYPIKOS.

LILY JAMES

Okay, let's recap. I'm knocked up, I'll probably never see any of the three possible fathers again, and I'm in an unfamiliar country where I don't speak the language, with no means of getting home, getting work, or getting official immigrant status. Plus I've been squatting in a structurally unsound house for the past week, and I don't even know who owns it.

MRS. STARIOTYPIKOS

I own. Take it.

LILY JAMES

...Wait, really?

MRS. STARIOTYPIKOS

You make pretty. No rent.

LILY JAMES

That deal doesn't benefit you at all. I'm in! Wheeeee!

She sets about repairing the HOUSE with the help of some WOODLAND CREATURES.

LILY JAMES

(to tune of "Money, Money, Money" played on a bouzouki)

I work all night and work all day

To build a house where I can stay

Ain't no thing!

I've never patched a roof before

I've barely even mopped a floor

I'll just wing!

It's not my place

I'd get the boot

If I weren't so goddamn cute

But Greeks cannot say no to me

So my days will forever be...

Easy-fucking-peasy!

Fun and breezy!

Free of stress and strain!

Easy-fucking-peasy!

Though I'm queasy

Facing labor pains!

Oh, no, ladies, no

This will never be you

Life's so easy-fucking-peasy

When you're Lily James!

EXT. 2018

DOMINIC blinks in confusion.

DOMINIC COOPER

WHAT just happened?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Our story came to a screeching halt so we could discover my mom's past. It's been happening a lot, kind of like the author bringing this script to a screeching halt so she can fulfill her dream of being Weird Al with F-bombs.

DOMINIC COOPER

Sad.

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD and COLIN FIRTH show up.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Oh, hi, daddies! I thought you weren't coming!

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

I decided at the last second to come and make up with Julie. We had a fight about a thing.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

You must not be doing a very good job. Look, she just set her hair on fire.

STELLAN SKARSGÅRD

(squints)

No, she's just going to town on the flambéed cheese.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(squints)

Oh, yeah. Did you bring a 30-second subplot too, Colin?

COLIN FIRTH

No. Since Stellan was coming and Pierce Brosnan was already here, I assumed I had no choice. Where is Pierce, anyway?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

In the storage room, with duct tape over his mouth. We didn't want a repeat of the last movie's audio thumbscrewing.

DOMINIC COOPER

Yeah, about that...

A horrible PART-HUMAN, PART-DONKEY, PART-PVC MONSTER arrives!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Oh Jesus fuck, what are YOU doing here?

CHER

Meryl's standards may have been too high for this thing, but mine aren't. Plus I also have a 30-second subplot involving Andy.

ANDY GARCÍA

(sighs wistfully)

CHRISTINE BARANSKI

(drinks a wading pool of wine)

Ooh, are you and I going to have a cougar-off over him? That would actually be pretty entertaining.

CHER

...Yeah, it would. But no. HIT IT!

(to tune of "Mamma Mia!")

I've been gone for a while

And I think you know why

Now Burlesque's in the past

And I'm ready for lines

But this flick?

Will I ever learn?

Why do I pick films we all know are doomed to suck?

Am I really that strapped for bucks?

Well, no point in hiding up on a shelf

Plastic surgery won't pay for itself

Noo-oo!

ENSEMBLE

Sarkisian!

Here she goes again!

My, my, guess somebody missed her!

Sarkisian hasn't packed it in!

Why won't Hollywood blacklist her?

Dowager Lady Gaga

Back for the ABBA saga

When did she give up on dignity?

Sarkisian!

At least now she knows

She'll play grandmas till her marbles go!

The MUSIC fades out, leaving EVERYONE standing around uncertainly.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Oh, uh, I'm preggers. You'll all come back in seven months for the christening, right?

EVERYONE

(unenthusiastic agreement)

INT. HASTILY BUILT STAGE

EVERY NAMED CHARACTER stands around dressed in COSTUMES that EUROVISION deemed "TOO TACKY."

COLIN FIRTH

(exasperated sigh)

Okay, RECAP: The hotel is doing great, Amanda and Dominic are back together, their baby is cute, Stellan and Julie are back together, Cher and Andy are back together, Christine has drunk the Mediterranean dry, Pierce has been duct-taped in the storage room for months and someone should probably check on him, and I'm still uptight comic relief. The story is OVER. WHY ARE WE STILL HERE?

DIRECTOR OL PARKER

To perform one more song. It's fun. FUN, I SAY.

ENSEMBLE

(to tune of "Thank You for the Music")

Well, we say:

Fuck this stupid movie!

What were we thinking?

Shooting's wrapped

So let's all start drinking

We've accomplished nothing for our careers

But at least we came back to Greece

Still, let each cast member present agree

That we'll say

"Fuck this stupid movie"

If they want number 3!

The GHOST OF MERYL STREEP appears, nodding approvingly.

END