FADE IN:

EXT. NEVADA - MILITARY BASE OUTSIDE AREA 51 OH HEY DID YOU SPOT THE ALIEN SHIPS HAHA ANYWAY MOVING ON

A MILITARY CONVOY, driving HEAVILY ARMOURED VEHICLES designed to enter ACTIVE WAR ZONES, gets TOTALLY FUCKING WRECKED by a BLOWJOB.

SOLDIER

Oh fuck, the payload is compromised! Base, come in, what do we do?

BASE

(on radio)

Your only chance is if you've already got a half-dozen guys with automatic rifles surrounding the container, ready to headshot whatever comes out.

SOLDIER

Oh, well we have that.

BASE

Shit really? Well that sinks the movie pretty fucking quick. Um, okay then, run away! Tell everyone to run! RUUUUNNNNN

They try to RUN but the SUPER BOSS ZOMBIE bursts out and CHOMPS EVERYONE! The BOSS ZOMBIE and his new underlings (who turn almost immediately, ahem EPILOGUE) then gaze down upon--

INT. LAS VEGAS

To mark his triumphant return to the genre, ZACK SNYDER creates an EVOCATIVE, BRUTAL, and SURPRISINGLY EMOTIONAL ZOMBIE MOVIE starring DAVE BAUTISTA. Unfortunately we RACE RIGHT THE FUCK THROUGH THAT MOVIE during the OPENING CREDITS so that we can instead watch the SHITTY INCOHERENT DRAWN-OUT RAMBLING SEQUEL MOVIE for the next TWO AND A QUARTER FUCKING HOURS.

INT. GREASY SPOON

BAUTISTA is flipping greasy burgers when HIROYUKI SANADA arrives in his pointedly non-greasy car.

HIROYUKI SANADA

As you know Dave, Las Vegas has become Escape from New York meets Dawn of the Dead 2004. So I need you to do Aliens meets Train to Busan Presents: Peninsula.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Okay. I know just the team. I'll need Ana de la Reguera, Omari Hardwick, Matthias Schweighofer, and of course Chris D'Elia--

(handed press release)

--WOAH OKAY FUCK THAT GUY. Not to worry, we can digitally replace him at the last minute. We just need to find someone who won't need to bother getting in character to be cool and badass.

DAVE wanders over to the NETFLIX STAND-UP SPECIALS department and grabs the first person he finds who is TIG NOTARO! Everyone gathers at HIROYUKI'S place for the BRIEFING.

INT. HIROYUKI'S PLACE

DAVE and the TEAM prepare while not looking directly at TIG NOTARO.

DAVE BAUTISTA

This is my hand-picked squad of battle-tested badasses, which includes a few random assholes who shoot slow zombies on YouTube. Also one of them just bailed, please don't hold that against my hand-picking-badasses skill.

OMARI HARDWICK

This better be good, I dug out my special zombie-killing circular saw from where I buried it in the middle of the desert. I am very protective and sentimental about my special circular saw.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Don't worry, you never use it. Anyway here's the deal. Hiroyuki is hiring us to steal his own money that he collected insurance on, which is in his own vault inside Las Vegas.

ANA DE LA REGUERA

So we fly in, get the money, and bring it back? Seems simple enough.

HIROYUKI SANADA

Yes. Except Las Vegas is now a special restricted airspace that lets you fly out but not fly in. So it's totally up to you to figure out how to get into Las Vegas. But don't worry, there's a wrecked abandoned helicopter on a rooftop you can use to leave.

TIG NOTARO

(off in corner)

Um-

HIROYUKI SANADA

Also even though it's my vault, I don't have the combination and I can't tell you how to disarm any of the lethal security measures.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Er-

HIROYUKI SANADA

Also the helicopter--which for all we know is fucked beyond any hope of repair--isn't nearly large enough to carry all of you, plus all the money you're supposed to bring back. Like, NOWHERE NEAR large enough. It's comically inadequate.

MATTHIAS SCHWEIGHOFER

Hm.

HIROYUKI SANADA

Oh and the whole city's getting nuked the day after the job. I really should have thought of a way to get you inside, time being of the essence and all.

ANA DE LA REGUERA

Uh...

HIROYUKI SANADA

AND, this whole bullshit plan is just a cover for my REAL plan, which would probably go super smooth if I just straight-up hired you to do my real plan.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Speaking of the secret real plan, I'll be tagging along to do that. Also because you need a Paul Reiser.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Well, sounds good to me! C'mon gang, I just happen to have an estranged daughter who knows someone who knows someone who specializes in sneaking people into the city.

HIROYUKI SANADA

You DO?! Thank fuck! Wow, my whole plan almost came to a crashing halt right out of the gate. Phew!

INT. CAMP JUST OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS, LIKE, RIGHT OUTSIDE, THINK THEY COULD HAVE BUILT THIS A LIIIITTLE FURTHER AWAY WHAT WITH THE ZOMBIES AND THE IMMINENT NUKES AND ALL THAT

DAVE and the gang find his daughter ELLA PURNELL who is doing VOLUNTEER WORK.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Hey Ella. I know we haven't talked since I killed your Mom, but in my defence she was a zombie who was going to eat both of us.

ELLA PURNELL

Yeah, I got that. It was pretty obvious.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Oh well I've assumed you didn't so we could be all estranged and shit, hence drama. Anyway, get us inside Las Vegas and I'll pay you a giant pile of money.

ELLA PURNELL

Okay, let me introduce you to Nora Arnezeder, aka the Coyote, who can ACTUALLY get you inside. I know her because she got my friend inside who hasn't returned, oh and plot twist, I'm coming with you to find my friend! Don't try to stop me, I'd just follow you anyway!

DAVE BAUTISTA

What if I lock you up somewhere until we get back?

ELLA PURNELL

Nuh-uh! I'm coming along and you're not giving me ANY special protective gear and THAT'S THAT!

NORA ARNEZEDER

We also need to bring Random Asshole Theo Rossi with us, for reasons that will become clear. Now witness my super coyote powers as I sneak all five dozen of us into the city, all sneaky-style, by opening this shipping container and having us parade inside in broad daylight.

The HUGE-ASS TEAM COVERED IN RANDOM GEAR CLOMP THEIR WAY into the SHIPPING CONTAINER and prepare to enter the HEART OF DARKNESS OH HEY LET'S PLAY A COVER OF "THIS IS THE END" AW YEAH THAT'S THE SHIT

EXT. VIVISECTED LAS VEGAS

The gang hang out in broad daylight some more.

ANA DE LA REGUERA

Wow this place is devastated, and everything's blurry as fuck too! Anything more than five feet away is just a smudge!

(squints)

ZACK SNYDER

Oh that part's me, I'm trying out some shit for the Snyder Cut. Also look I made a zombie tiger! Pretty cool right? Huh? Huh?

NORA ARNEZEDER

Um yeah it's great Zack. Anyhoo on with the plan.

(shoots Theo in the leg!)

Before anyone panics, let me explain. I've made a detailed study on this zombie society since in addition to being a coyote I'm also an undeadthropologist; these guys are my Gore-killers in the Mist, if you will.

(opens Powerpoint)

We must make a sacrifice to the Queen Zombie to gain limited passage. Anyone King (previously Boss) Zombie bites, like the Queen, become fast smart Alpha zombies. People bitten by Alphas become Romero zombies. The King is collecting human women to rape and bite in his efforts to create a zombaby but y'know what let's not focus on that.

DAVE BAUTISTA

(winces)

Ugh. Any chance we could cut that subplot altogether?

NORA ARNEZEDER

I tried Dave, believe me. We ALL tried.

Sure enough QUEEN ZOMBIE arrives, does some INTERPRETIVE DANCE and crouches over THOROUGHLY IRREDEEMABLE ASSHOLE THEO ROSSI!

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Wow, if you were all in on the REAL plan, we could achieve it right now and leave, with lots of time to spare! I can still see the exit!

Instead they watch QUEEN ZOMBIE leave and head INSIDE.

INT. DIMLY LIT LAS VEGAS BUILDING

The TEAM are sneaking through crowds of DORMANT ZOMBIES while leaving a path with DROP LIGHTS, when VAZQUEZ SAMANTHA WIN decides to confront GARRET at the rear of the pack.

SAMANTHA WIN

I'm on to you Garret. Once we stop travelling in a long strung-out line and bunch up again, I'm gonna out you to the others. Now get back to being my only link to the rest of the group, you scumbag. Just gonna tie my shoe before I catch up...

Shockingly GARRET moves one of the DROP LIGHTS sending SAMANTHA alone into a room of CLUMSY ZOMBIES! They loudly knock over a bunch of PLATES, ACTIVATING the UNDEAD!

SAMANTHA WIN

(sighs)

LET'S ROOOOOOCK

(opens fire)

SAMANTHA kills her way through TONS OF ZOMS but GARRET blocks a door on her just to go FULL REISER! However SAMANTHA finds a WINDOW to leap through, and for just a moment before being overwhelmed, she has a chance to say one final thing to the team!

SAMANTHA WIN

Garret is evil! You always were an asshole, Gorman.

(explodes!!!)

NORA ARNEZEDER

Damn. Well, our deal with the Queen was to stay indoors but since we just did a big action scene indoors we can go outdoors now.

They saunter over to HIROYUKI'S CASINO.

INT. CASINO

Everyone HUDDLES UP to review the plan.

DAVE BAUTISTA

You know your assignments. Ella and I will head to the roof to restart the generator and our relationship. Tig,

(gestures vaguely towards background)

find the copter and make wisecracks while it malfunctions and explodes around you, then magically fix it at the last second. Garret and Nora will head outside to reveal our position to any hostile parties. Everyone else go watch Matthias try to open the vault.

OMARI HARDWICK

Don't forget the lethal countermeasures guarding the vault, that can be thwarted in 10 seconds by throwing solid objects ahead of you. Of course we'll use zombie slapstick instead because that will both take longer, and FEEL like MUUUUCH longer.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Here's my passcard to the vault which is officially my only reason for even being here, how unsuspicious. Go team!

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASINO

GARRET and NORA check the perimeter or whatever. GARRET shoots his gun in the air and the QUEEN ZOMBIE arrives!

QUEEN ZOMBIE

(unholy shrieking)

(solo floor routine)

GARRET traps the QUEEN in a NET and then slices her HEAD clean off!

NORA ARNEZEDER

What the hell? You told me you only needed a blood sample, though I'm not sure how differently this really would have played out!

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Mwah ha, this was my real mission! People will pay so much for this Alpha head, like, SO MUCH. Now I just gotta get out alive before King Zombie sends every undead in the city to annihilate us. Hope that vault is coming along.

NORA ARNEZEDER

It's not too late to offer everyone heaps of money to ignore the vault and leave right the fuck now, y'know.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

But I still gotta betray everyone or it doesn't count!

(pouts)

INT. CASINO BASEMENT - VAULT CORRIDOR

MATTHIAS prepares to crack the vault, watched by ANA and OMARI and RAUL CASTILLO, oh yeah he's the YOUTUBE guy and now you know everything about him.

MATTHIAS SCHWEIGHOFER

I'll need total concentration, complete silence, and maybe fire up some German classical music on the soundtrack to add a little Die Hard flavour. Wagner's close enough to Beethoven, go with that.

OMARI HARDWICK

Hey look, there's corpses of another team wearing the exact same clothes as our team! Maybe it's a time-loop movie, those are really in vogue these days. Anyone else see Palm Springs?

RAUL CASTILLO

I preferred the Map of Tiny Perfect Things myself but they're both good. If anyone reading this hasn't checked out those movies, it'd be worth your while-

MATTHIAS SCHWEIGHOFER

SILENCE! WE MUST REMAIN STUCK IN THIS MOVIE OKAY NOW SHUT UP

DAVE BAUTISTA

(arriving)

Hey guys, the President realized the "ticking clock" device was way too long so the nuke got moved up 24 hours, now we only have 1 hour and 20 minutes.

OMARI HARDWICK

Well Matthias only needs 30 minutes to crack the safe.

DAVE BAUTISTA

(actual math from movie)

So that leaves us an hour to get away, all right.

ANA DE LA REGUERA

NO DAVE IT LEAVES US FIFTY MINUTES, I THINK BEING TEN MINUTES OFF MIGHT BE A BIG DEAL WHEN CALCULATING WHEN A FUCKING NUKE IS GOING TO DESTROY US

DAVE BAUTISTA

Well half an hour of time is going to mysteriously vanish a few scenes from now, and then we're going to cram way too much activity into 9 minutes, so basically the whole countdown is bullshit and never mind. Time for my tofu truck monologue!

(leans against wall)

I'm gonna get me a tofu truck and sell lots of tofu. Yummy yummy tofu. Tofu tofu tofu tofu tofu

EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP(S OF FLESH HANGING OFF EVERY STRUCTURE)

Outside, the ZOMBIE KING finds the HEADLESS QUEEN, goes on a BIG HUGE HORSEBACK GRIEF TOUR so we can appreciate all the work that went into designing WRECKED LAS VEGAS, then goes to round up the HORDE to exact BLOODY REVENGE!

ZOMBIE KING

RAAAARAAAAAAGGHHAARRRAGHHHH

(translation: To me, my minions! Vengeance shall be ours, we shall make the interlopers pay for their dishonour! Right after we swing by Montreal and devour their insolent hockey team, like holy fuck why does the league insist on tolerating obstruction bullshit and dangerous hits during the playoffs, it only prevents skilled exciting hockey from happening for fuck's sake, no I didn't bet big on the Leafs, fuck you!!!)

INT. BACK AT THE VAULT

MATTHIAS successfully opens the VAULT revealing A HUGE ROOM FULL OF GIANT MOUNDS OF CASH!

RAUL CASTILLO

Seriously how the FUCK is all this supposed to fit in the one busted-ass helicopter we have. Also, I assume weight exists in this universe? Because-

DAVE BAUTISTA

Oh shit that half-hour jump just happened, we only got 20 minutes! Everyone start packing up money! That goes for you too, Ella... hey where'd she go? Did she sneak off while I was busy not doing anything?

ANA DE LA REGUERA

Yes, shockingly, she went to try and rescue her friend from Zombie HQ, which is full of Alpha zombies, single-handed. But I have... feelings for you Dave, and I'll help you rescue her.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Aw yay! Things are looking up.

But just then the ELEVATOR opens revealing ALPHA ZOMBIES!

ANA DE LA REGUERA

(strapped with multiple weapons)

Goodness, I wasn't expecting that! Gasp! I say, sir, please don't advance towards me, and I must object to your laying hands on my head. If you don't desist I shall have no option but to-

The ALPHA ZOMBIE twists ANA'S HEAD 180 DEGREES, SNAPPING HER NECK and causing a SINGLE BONE to POP OUT, WACKILY!

ANA DE LA REGUERA

No shit, comic timing and cutesy sound effect and everything? What the fuck.

(dead)

BATTLE IS JOINED! OMARI and MATTHIAS try to grab more vault money but are CUT OFF, and must face ZOMBIE KING alone!

MATTHIAS SCHWEIGHOFER

Oh shit, Zombie King has a bulletproof helmet! And a cape, I think he's trying to make some kind of statement about how the Snyder Cut refuses to die or something?

OMARI HARDWICK

I'll fistfight him then! See how he likes having my chompable flesh flung in the general direction of his mouth! Take that!

ZOMBIE KING

RAAAAARRRHAHAAHGHH

(translation: Dude. Seriously. Would you fight an electricity monster by tackling it into a pool?)

ZOMBIE KING wipes the floor with OMARI but at the last moment MATTHIAS throws OMARI into the vault and closes the door from the outside, self-sacrificingly!

MATTHIAS SCHWEIGHOFER

And now, Zombie King, I challenge you to a "leave the smallest hickey" contest! Though on second thought

(dead)

Elsewhere in the basement, the others try to escape but GARRET locks a grate behind him, trapping them!

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Ha ha! I know I did the Reiser move before but we forgot to follow through with the "getting immediately facemurdered" part, so maybe THIS time...

ZOMBIE TIGER

HI HELLO I'M HERE TO PROVIDE YOUR LETHAL COMEUPPANCE

GARRET DILLAHUNT

AAIEEEE! Now for my swift and brutal-

ZOMBIE TIGER

NAH THOUGHT I'D DRAG YOU AROUND A BIT FIRST

GARRET DILLAHUNT

But now the final death blow-

ZOMBIE TIGER

MAYBE WE COULD CATCH A MOVIE

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Um-

ZOMBIE TIGER

OR REALLY SETTLE IN FOR THE NIGHT, BINGE A SHOW, I HEAR THE EXPANSE IS GREAT, ALSO I HAVE SOME NEW CRAFT BEERS TO TRY IF YOU'RE INTERESTED

GARRET DILLAHUNT

(sighs)

ZOMBIE TIGER

I HAVE THE KICKSTARTER REPRINT OF "DIE MACHER" THAT I'VE BEEN MEANING TO OPEN AND TRY OUT IF THAT'S MORE YOUR THING

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Will you just eat my face please.

ZOMBIE TIGER

FINE

(chomps front half of Garret's head)

I MEAN I HAVE LIGHTER STUFF LIKE CUBITOS TOO BUT YOUR LOSS DOUCHEBAG

INT. CASINO MAIN FLOOR

DAVE and NORA and RAUL manage to reach the main floor and are faced with LOTS AND LOTS O'ZOMBIES!!! They RUN and SHOOT and LEAP and SHOOT OH HEY SOME ZOMBIES ARE ALSO ROBOTS WHY WHO KNOWS FUCK YOU HAHAHA also RAUL GETS CHOMPED!

RAUL CASTILLO

(pops grenade)

Shit, Samantha already did the Gorman line.

(explodes!)

EXT. ROOFTOP

DAVE and NORA get to the ROOF and find the HELICOPTER while not looking directly at TIG NOTARO! ZOMBIE KING shows up too!

NORA ARNEZEDER

Not so fast! I did a switcheroo and now I have Zombie Queen's head! Let us go or I'll smoosh it!

ZOMBIE KING

RAAAAAARHGHH

(translation: Sure I guess. Just set it down and slowly back towards the copter with your guns trained on it, that should work.)

DAVE BAUTISTA

Oh I was thinking more Tig and I fly away while you do the standoff thing okay good plan byyyeeeeeee

(takes off)

NORA ARNEZEDER

Shit. Well remember if you don't finish the mission with me, Pfizer or Moderna work just as well.

(chomped)

DAVE BAUTISTA

Tig! Assuming you're in this copter somewhere, we gotta go save Ella! We still have...

(checks script)

...nine minutes to fly to another 30-plus-story building, search all 30-plus-stories for Ella, fight through whatever zombies are in Zombie HQ, then still fly out of nuclear blast range yeah this is fucking impossible. Whatever.

TIG NOTARO

Fine, I'll fly you to your last-minute desperate mission to save your daughter from the horde of deadly parasitic creatures before the nuke goes off. Just know that I'm obliged to apparently not be here when you get back, only to dramatically swoop upward into view! Though unlike Aliens I won't even have a tossed-off justification for it. I will ONLY do it because Aliens says I have to.

INT. ZOMBIE HQ BUILDING

Inside the HQ, ELLA has indeed managed to find her FRIEND, along with TWO OTHER SURVIVORS! Sadly COLOSSAL FUCKING ZOMBIE ASSHOLE THEO ROSSI killchomps the OTHER SURVIVORS before ELLA'S FRIEND is able to murder GALACTIC-SIZED UNDEAD SACK OF SHIT THEO ROSSI.

ELLA PURNELL

Shit, Zombie King and his horde are here now! Well luckily the King hasn't bothered to find a second helmet for anyone else, so-

(headshots horde)

Hm, now what.

DAVE BAUTISTA

(bursts through door)

I'm here Ella! I just ran down 20 flights of stairs to where I knew you'd be! I'd have gotten here even sooner but there was an extremely heavy mattress in the way, never mind how I was throwing around blackjack tables like matchsticks a few scenes ago.

DAVE fires an EXPLOSIVE at ZOMBIE KING and it BLOWS UP, presumably blowing up ZOMBIE KING also! Our heroes escape!

EXT. ROOFTOP ALIENS FAKEOUT YADDA YADDA ZOMBIE KING HITCHES A RIDE LIKE IN ETC ETC

BAUTISTA and ELLA and the ZOMBIE KING FIGHT intercut with shots of TIG flying the copter!! DAVE gets BIT BAD but, just as the NUKE is moments from impact, finally gets a clear shot at ZOMBIE KING'S HEAD!

DAVE BAUTISTA

This may be a boring regular gun, with a fraction the force of that explosive I hit you with before, but I'm gonna shoot you in SUPER SLOW MOTION ASSHOLE SO THERE

The REGULAR BULLET totally SPLITS ZOMBIE KING'S HEAD IN FUCKING HALF and he is finally DEFEATED!

NUCLEAR EXPLOSION

CONGRATULATIONS ASSHOLES

(slaps copter into ground)

EXT. POST-NUCLEAR-STRIKE HELLSCAPE

ELLA pulls herself out of the wreckage.

ELLA PURNELL

Oh no, Tig is dead! And my friend... is in a shot with fucking D'Elia so we can't show it and that's the ONE SHOT too complicated to paste Tig into so WELP GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO SPECULATE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHARACTER MY WHOLE FUCKING QUEST WAS ABOUT YAY FUCK ME oh I should check on Dave too.

DAVE BAUTISTA

I'm here Ella, but gonna turn soon. I was thinking of new names... UnDave Bautista? Dave Bite-ista? Dave Mouth-eats-ya?

(coughs)

Anyhoo, I saved a stack of money for you to give to your friend to give to her kids to get them out of the camp that just got nuked, hope we're not too late.

(dies)

ELLA shoots DEAD BAUTISTA and waits for RESCUE while getting soaked with DEADLY RADIATION SO WHO CARES ABOUT RESCUE or at least that's how nukes USED to work.

EXT. EPILOGUE

MUSIC CUE: GUESS WHAT -- NO REALLY GUESS -- YEP IT'S "ZOMBIE" BECAUSE COME ON, SOMEBODY HAD TO EVENTUALLY --- SOMEONE HAD TO, RIGHT? DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK HAYDEN CHRISTIENSEN

Amongst the rubble, the VAULT DOOR opens, revealing that OMARI is STILL ALIVE! OMARI surveys the devastation, then slowly walks all the way out of Las Vegas with a big bag full of cash, finds an abandoned car, fixes it, drives miles of highway to a private airfield, rents a private jet, it gets crewed and he boards and they take off... this takes TIME is what I'm getting at.

OMARI HARDWICK

(carousing)

This is awesome! Everyone drink with me! Oh and allow me to throw out a quote that links back to the two seconds of characterization I got waaaaay back in the opening credits.

(staggers)

Oh haha I'm a little woozy! Please excuse me a moment.

He goes to the BATHROOM and discovers he has... A ZOMBIE BITE LOL!

OMARI HARDWICK

(pause)

Wait, is this supposed to be the "it's not really over" cliffhanger? Obviously I'm going to just shoot myself in the head, or jump out of the plane, or anything but simply wait to turn and doom everyone... this ending only works if I go full zombie BEFORE I realize what's happening! I've been delaying checking myself for wounds for FUCKING HOURS trying to help the It's Not Over Ending! Seriously, what are we going for here?

(looks around)

(gestures)

(waits)

END