FADE IN:

INT. FANCY LONDON RESTAURANT YOU COULD NEVER GET INTO

Producers GRAHAM KING and JIM BEACH meet with director DEXTER FLETCHER.

PRODUCER GRAHAM KING

Anyway, I'm sure you understand why we're better off without Bryan, but we need to get this thing done. What do you say?

DIRECTOR DEXTER FLETCHER

Graham, darling, you know I like you, but you should have hired me from the beginning. I directed that delightful Proclaimers musical that more people outside the UK really should check out.

PRODUCER JIM BEACH

We know. We're sorry. But think of it this way: If you can salvage the Queen story AND turn the Elton story into a critical smash, you'll be the go-to jukebox musical director as long as this trend lasts.

DEXTER savors this THOUGHT and then jumps up on the TABLE.

DIRECTOR DEXTER FLETCHER

(to tune of "The Show Must Go On")

The film must go on!

The film must go on!

If I can save this movie

All Hollywood will woo me...

DIRECTOR BRYAN SINGER

(pushes into the frame)

BUT MY NAME STILL STAYS ON!

DIRECTOR DEXTER FLETCHER

(shoots a dismayed look at GRAHAM and JIM)

GRAHAM/JIM

(shrug)

The film must go on!

INT. MIDDLE-CLASS ENGLISH SUBURBIA

Flamboyant young musical talent RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON is growing up under the stern disappointment of his father, ACE BHATTI/STEVEN MACKINTOSH.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Oh, if only my pompous fuddy-duddy of a father understood me. This is no kind of life for a sensitive young genius with an ego the size of a planet!

ACE BHATTI

Ugh, what are you even doing with your life. I thought I raised you to have, you know, substance. Qualities. Any kind of positive attribute. Sigh.

STEVEN MACKINTOSH

YOU ARE A BLIGHT AND A PESTILENCE UPON MY LIFE. NOT A DAY PASSES THAT I DON’T WISH I’D TORN MY GENITALS FROM MY BODY SOONER THAN CURSE MYSELF WITH A DETESTABLE BURDEN SUCH AS YOU.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Dads, amirite?

(to tune of “Daniel”)

Daddy don’t give half a shit for my dream

All this grouchy disapproval

Is screwing with my self-esteem, oh

I got neurosis from this abuse

Oh yeah, that’s right, Daddy

You are my Freudian excuse!

INT. CRUMMY LONDON CLUB

RAMI/TARON meets his longtime collaborator, GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL.

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

Wow, you're a supernova of vocal talent! But since I'm not as shameless as you, I would like to make myself absolutely essential to your sound in a way that most people will forget about until we beat them over the head with it in this movie.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Sounds good to me! I'm sure our friendship will be perfect, as long as you never question any decision I make.

With the help of SOME OTHER GUYS, RAMI/TARON and GWILYM/JAMIE but mostly RAMI/TARON become local sensations within a MICROSECOND.

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

(to tune of "We Are the Champions")

I write the words

Song after song

He gets the glory

Somehow it feels wrong

But when he's onstage

I can't complain

He'll always be this partnership's face

And I'll be the brains!

SOME OTHER GUYS

While we just play and play and play and play!

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

I am the back-up best friend!

And that's how you'll know me till the end!

SOME OTHER GUYS

We are the back-up!

Please love the back-up!

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

No, I'm not jealous

That I am the back-up... for the star!

INT. DINGY RECORD LABEL OFFICE

RAMI/TARON and GWILYM/JAMIE meet with producer MIKE MYERS/STEPHEN GRAHAM and manager TOM HOLLANDER/CHARLIE ROWE.

MIKE MYERS/STEPHEN GRAHAM

You suck. This is too edgy/boring.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

I'll show you!

(performs his most iconic song)

MIKE MYERS/STEPHEN GRAHAM

Turns out I can make a shitzillion dollars off you after all! Tom/Charlie, do all the work.

TOM HOLLANDER/CHARLIE ROWE

My being dropped like a bad habit is really a matter of when. So, anyway--

AIDAN GILLEN/RICHARD MADDEN

Hello.

LIGHTNING

(flares)

MOON

(turns to blood)

SMALL ANIMALS

(run and hide, adorably)

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Two different Game of Thrones stars playing the same evil record exec? What are the odds of that?

AIDAN GILLEN/RICHARD MADDEN

In a British production? Pretty much guaranteed to happen. Anyway, Mike/Stephen here doesn't understand your potential, and Tom/Charlie is a useless pussy pansy. Let ME run your career and I'll take you from really famous to neo-maxi-zoom-famous.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Well, you do have the nicer suit.... Sorry, Tom/Charlie. It's been real.

TOM HOLLANDER/CHARLIE ROWE

Just like that? I launched you in the U.S.! I recognized your greatness from the beginning! I'm actually a decent person! Do you really think this guy is--

AIDAN/RICHARD pimp-slaps TOM/CHARLIE out of the MOVIE.

AIDAN GILLEN/RICHARD MADDEN

(to tune of "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting")

Don't give him none of your limitations!

You don't deserve to represent!

Rami/Taron's all mine for signing!

Gonna get my ten percent!

I'll make him the god he was born to be

His image I will redefine

Cuz Rami/Taron's all mine to sign!

Rami/Taron's all mine!

All mine, all mine!

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

INT. HOLLYWOOD

RAMI/TARON and GWILYM/JAMIE but mostly RAMI/TARON become, just, like, MASSIVELY FUCKING RICH AND FAMOUS, more famous than if GRUMPY CAT were a KARDASHIAN who also invented FACEBOOK.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

My life is going so great now! And having never seen a musical biopic before, I can only assume it will continue to do so forever. Nothing can stop me now!

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

Not even old-timey 1970s attitudes towards homosexuality?

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Er, ha ha, what a weird thing to bring up. I don't see how that would bother such a super-straight bastion of heterosexuality such as myself! Sure, I've touched all kinds of vaginas. In fact, I feel in the mood to grab me a whatchamacallit. You know, one of those wife dealies.

(to tune of "Somebody to Love")

Right now being straight is just mandatory

We're only just past the time

When two dudes getting freaky

Was an actual literal crime

So I'm reinforcing my closet now

I sure could do with a beard

Oh! Some lady

Ooh, some lady

Can anybody find me

Some lady to wed?

He goes and marries an unsuspecting LUCY BOYNTON/CELINDE SCHOENMAKER.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

See, everybody? See?! Would a gay man do this? Tell the public just how straight I am, honey!

LUCY BOYNTON/CELINDE SCHOENMAKER

(having been married to RAMI/TARON for any amount of time)

Yeah, it's pretty obvious that you're one million percent gay and this marriage is a sham that should end as soon as possible. I hope you meet a guy who loves you as much as you love him.

THAT

(happens years later and off-screen)

Saddened, RAMI/TARON turns to the one thing that hasn't left or mistreated him: his MONEY.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(to tune of "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart")

Let's go breakin' the bank!

I couldn't if I tried!

I'm worth more than some small countries

And I'll never run dry!

Ooh-ooh, didn't just blow it

Gave lots away

For children and AIDS

Ooh-ooh, not that you'd know it

Here I just shop

Don't know how to drop

Ohhhh, don't know how to drop!

INT. BACKSTAGE AT GIANT PERFORMANCE VENUE

GWILYM/JAMIE finds RAMI/TARON sitting in the LOTUS POSITION atop a big heap of COCAINE, dressed in a SPARKLY PURPLE HAZMAT SUIT.

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

Hey, Rami/Taron, I know I promised never to question you, but...

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(now dressed as a sparkly magenta jar of peanut butter)

But what, luv?

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

Well, I'm concerned that you're going too far with the costumes.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(now dressed as a sparkly cerulean Pacific tree frog)

Too far? Oh, I think I can go farther.

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

But you don't have to. You're a brilliant singer and musician and your talent can speak for itself.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(now dressed as a sparkly chartreuse pipe wrench)

Yes, but the costumes make me feel FREE, Gwilym/Jamie. I'm finally working out my childhood trauma in a healthy way.

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

No, you're not. You're letting our manager control every aspect of your life when he clearly doesn't have your feelings or best interests in mind. Plus that coke pile has grown by like six feet while we've been talking.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(pressed up against the ceiling, now dressed as a sparkly puce Neville Chamberlain)

Well, I think everything is going just fine. I hope you don't do anything stupid, like take a break from this situation until I hit rock bottom and give you a groveling apology.

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

Yes, actually.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(now dressed as a sparkly 64-color Bristol Blenheim Mk IV)

Suit yourself. Arsehole.

He goes onstage and is AMAZING.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(to tune of "Don't Stop Me Now")

Even when I get really fucking high

My performance always somehow goes flawlessly

There is nothing like when I'm singing live

It's worth every cent

There's not a show, show, show where you'd rather be!

Oh, there would be no film

If I didn't set the world on fire every time I play

You have to be as big as life

You'll never see a biopic of Michael Bublé!

AUDIENCE

Don't talk him down!

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

I give the crowd the best time

I give them a ball

AUDIENCE

Don't talk him down!

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

I'll make 40 costume changes

To keep them enthralled

AUDIENCE

Don't talk him--

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

See? They're having the best time!

AUDIENCE

Don't talk him--

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

When they're having the best time

I don't need advice at all!

INT. RAMI/TARON'S MANSION

RAMI/TARON pouts while a FUCKSTORM OF BACCHANALIAN DEBAUCHERY takes place in the NEXT ROOM.

ALLEN LEECH/RICHARD MADDEN

Ah, forget Gwilym/Jamie. You don't need him. You don't need anybody! Except me. You cannot function without me and don't forget it.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Wait, I thought your name was Aidan Gillen/Richard Madden?

ALLEN LEECH/RICHARD MADDEN

That was when we were doing the Evil Exploitative Manager bit. Now we've very much moved into Evil Abusive and Still Exploitative Boyfriend territory. It's my job to deliberately drive a wedge between you and all your family and friends, undermining you until you're entirely dependent on me. And drugs and booze, of course. A loooot of drugs and booze.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Why would I become dependent on you? I'm the one making all the money here. Any other major label would give their left eyes to sign me. Plus you're a humongous prick who screws everything in well-fitting cords. I can do better.

ALLEN LEECH/RICHARD MADDEN

(suddenly speaking in ACE/STEVEN's voice)

NO YOU CAN'T.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(hypnotized)

No I can't.

ALLEN LEECH/RICHARD MADDEN

(back to normal voice)

That's more like it. Now don't cross me or I'll fuck your shit right up, okay, sweetheart?

Depressed, RAMI/TARON wanders into the FUCKSTORM.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(to tune of "Rocket Man")

Guess I'll drink and then I'll snort a long, long line

And toss some pills into this maw of mine

I don't love fun the way I do onstage

Oh, no, no, no

I'm, like, "Fuck it, man"

REVELERS

FUCK IT MAAAAAAAN

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Burnin' out my insides till I die!

He continues to DRINK and SNORT and FUCK himself into a deep well of oblivion.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(longing for death)

Well this is it. Rock bottom. My emotional low point. I guess the only thing left for me to do is--

VAL KILMER

Die of substance abuse?

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

What? No, I was gonna--

GARY OLDMAN

Die of substance abuse.

FOREST WHITAKER

It’s a musical biopic. Dying of substance abuse is what we do.

DIANA ROSS

So hurry up and die of substance abuse already!

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Geez, get with the times, you guys! Dying of substance abuse is old hat. These days we realize that the Academy much prefers its musical biopics to end on a positive note. So I’m going to have an emotional epiphany, clean myself up, salvage my tattered relationships, and still be breathing come the credits!

He goes and does ALL THESE THINGS.

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

(to tune of “You’re My Best Friend”)

Ooh, they let me live!

We’ve reached the end of the narrative

And I, I am not dead!

Ooh, they let me live (for right now)!

Ooh, they let me live!

Oh, it’s the best end

That I could’ve had

I made up with everyone who

I was crap to

And I gave up the blow

And I dumped Allen/Rick

Good riddance, you dick!

Oh, it’s the best end!

INT. ENGLAND

RAMI/TARON reunites with GWILYM/JAMIE.

GWILYM LEE/JAMIE BELL

Welcome back to the world of the basically functional, Rami/Taron! Boy, that sure was a musical biopic. Does every super-famous musician really lead the exact same life?

RAMI MALEK/TARON EGERTON

Only the ones who are fucked up. So don’t hold your breath for a Springsteen biopic anytime soon. But hey, as long as we rake it in at the box office and get to release a new soundtrack of old songs, why not just keep doing the same movie again and again?

DIRECTOR DEXTER FLETCHER

Because that's what it takes to become the go-to director, duh!

(to tune of "I'm Still Standing")

This is just like Ray and Walk the Line

The Doors, Straight Outta Compton, even Shine

And soon when Baz Luhrmann's Elvis biopic

Comes out, I'll bet ya anything

It's the exact same schtick

This is a mini-genre that repeats

The same old tired themes and hackneyed story beats

A lot of people say it's become a joke

But we don't feel the need to go and fix

What we don't think is broke

Don't you know we're still pandering

To the music bio crowd?

Sticking to the formula

Innovation's not allowed

We're still scrambling

After Oscar gold!

Telling you a single worn-out story

And it's getting old!

We're still pandering!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!...

END