The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. FOOSBALL STADIUM - DAY
ADAM SANDLER
Would anyone like some.. H2O?
MEAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS
NO!!! YOU PIGFUCKING MORON!
The MEAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS shove a table up ADAM SANDLER'S ASS.
MEAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! LOSER!!! MORON!!!!! FUCKWIT!!!
MEAN COACH
Adam, you're fired!
ADAM SANDLER
Fire? Perhaps I shall put out the fire with some high quality H2O..
The MEAN COACH bashes ADAM SANDLER'S SKULL into the ground.
INT. SOME OTHER COLLEGE - DAY
HENRY WINKLER
I'm a failure! I suck! I just can't win!
ADAM SANDLER
You sound like a football coach. Perhaps you need an experienced waterboy.
HENRY WINKLER
Actually, I was talking about my career after Happy Days, but sure, you're on.
INT. NEW FOOSBALL STADIUM - DAY
WINKLER'S team of RAGTAG FOOTBALL PLAYERS show they really suck. They stumble and fall and trip and shove a table up ADAM SANDLER'S ASS.
INT. SANDLER'S HOME - DAY
KATHY BATES gives ADAM and his megaslut friend, FAIRUZA BALK, a plate of fried NEWT TESTICLES.
AUDIENCE
Ha ha! Look how disgusting their food is!
INT. FOOSBALL STADIUM - PRACTICE - DAY
The RAGTAG FOOTBALL TEAM shoves HENRY WINKLER up ADAM SANDLER'S ASS.
ADAM SANDLER
(fuming)
Stop..shoving..things..up..my ass..
He runs to one of the FOOTBALL PLAYERS and SLAMS into him, HARD.
AUDIENCE
HA HA HA!! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!
HENRY WINKLER
I want you to play for my shitty team, Adam.
ADAM SANDLER
Me likey water.
INT. FOOSBALL STADIUM - A REAL GAME - DAY
HENRY WINKLER
Tackle them, Adam! We need to win!
The face of someone bad in ADAM's life is pasted onto the body of a FOOTBALL PLAYER. He runs to the FOOTBALL PLAYER and SLAMS into him, HARD.
AUDIENCE
(wetting selves)
THEY DID IT AGAIN!! He slammed RIGHT into the guy! Threw him down! Ha ha! Ahh shit, that's good stuff.
The above scene repeats 1,157,612,938 times. ADAM takes his team to the rose bowl. They win!
HENRY WINKLER
We won!
ADAM SANDLER
I am a champion!
FAIRUZA BALK
I love you, Adam!
ADAM SANDLER
I want to have sex with you, Fairuza!
KATHY BATES
Anyone want a bowl of hot cat penis?
HENRY WINKLER
I do!
Everyone is happy!
AUDIENCE
HOORAY!
ADAM SANDLER runs to the AUDIENCE and SLAMS into them, HARD.
ADAM SANDLER
Suckers.
END