The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. MAGIC KINGDOM
Welcome back to ARENDELLE, ruled by IDINA MENZEL! If you're sick of her singing, sadly this will be HELL.
IDINA MENZEL
Dear viewers, you've paid
To see "Cinderella"
But first you must watch
This pointless "Frozen" extra!
Look, there's Olaf! And Kristoff!
And Kristoff's reindeer, Sven
I bet none of you are pissed off
You have to see us again!
The Queen preps a PARTY for her sister, KRISTEN BELL. She's determined to stay HEARTY, despite not feeling well.
IDINA MENZEL
First off, I will conjure
New dresses, how nice!
Wait, how does that power
Relate to snow and ice?
KRISTEN BELL
A birthday party for me?
Is "Being Queen" now on hold?
Queens NEVER have issues
Except small stuff, like a cold.
IDINA MENZEL
A cold? I'm not sick!
(Achoo!) But (sneeze) hey,
I won't let my cold
Mess up your special day
'Cause A COLD NEVER BOTHERED
ME ANYWAAAAAY!!!
KRISTEN BELL
(groans)
AUDIENCE
(moans)
DISNEY
(mistakes the groans for harmonious tones)
Each time IDINA sneezes, tiny SNOWMEN pop to life! But IDINA doesn't notice, and they cause all kinds of strife!
JOSH GAD
Oh jeez, these tiny snowmen
Are shitty, low-size brats!
You know, they sorta look like
Anthropomorphized scat!
SNOW-SHITS
You can never defeat us!
Not if we attack combined!
We all seem to be under
The same creepy hive mind!
We'll destroy Kristen's whole party
But act all cute and gushy
Though we behave like douchekits
We'll still sell great as plushies!
The snow-shits fight JONATHAN GROFF, and JOSH GAD. But the fun is KILLED OFF, and no party's to be had.
JONATHAN GROFF
But before they showed up
Were we just standing around?
Besides us, does Kristen have
Any friends in this town?
JOSH GAD
Look, there's that sauna guy
Seems we didn't invite him
Is there anyone from the movie
We didn't shove in?
Hey, there's that asshole ex-prince guy, SANTINO! And, holy fuck, even the MONSTER MARSHMALLOW?
THOSE TROLL GUYS don't show up, but who gives a rat's ass. Suddenly, the SNOW-SHITS make the party a BLAST!
KRISTEN BELL
Wow, how adorable!
Guess this "story" is done!
If you break rules and make havoc
You're just making good fun!
Somehow still unmelted, the SNOW-SHITS are left loose. They grow up and discover they must REPRODUCE. They rub IDINA'S GERMS on her own sleeping lips, so she'll keep on sneezing and she'll always stay sick. The snow-shit population then spreads over the nation like a SNOW-SHIT INFESTATION GERM CONTAMINATION. They wipe out the whole queendom, laughing like it's funny, causing chaos and death but-
DISNEY
What's that? Is it.. money?
CINDERELLA!
END