FADE IN:

INT. PORTLAND OREGON

An innocent, wide-eyed, three-year-old enters a rink with her mother in hopes to learn figure skating. A sport of grace and poise, elegance and beauty, hard work and determina--

ALLISON JANNEY

Alright alright, enough with the Hallmark crap. Hey you, teach my daughter how to skate. I'll be on the sidelines guzzling whiskey and flicking my cigarette butts at these other kids.

JULIANNE NICHOLSON

Well aren't you just a lovely stereotype of abusive parenting. Anyway, I don't teach kids that young.

ALLISON JANNEY

I don't fuckin' care you fuckin' cunt rag. My daughter is a fuckin' skating prodigy and she's only three fuckin' years old. In fact, she's gonna enter the next local fuckin' competition and beat out fuckin' seven-year-olds.

(pause)

Fuck.

JULIANNE NICHOLSON

Wait, does she actually do that? That's pretty interesting, I'd like to see that.

ALLISON JANNEY

Well I'd like to see an actual definitive story instead of a movie sewn together from the "mostly true, wildly contradictory" interviews from everyone involved in these events, but that just ain't in the cards now, is it? Now get with the skatin.' Chop chop!

JULIANNE agrees to teach the girl, who grows up to be competitive skater and horrendous hair-haver MARGOT ROBBIE.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Gosh, I just love skating. And I love how all the makeup in the world still can't make my gorgeous, Aussie face look like a homely tomboy from Oregon!

SEBASTIAN STAN

You're telling me. At least this movie has the decency to apologize for the creepy molestache I sported back then. Anyway, wanna go out some time? I will prove to be just as abusive as your mother, but I don't throw a steak knife into your arm, so I guess I'm better? Kinda?

They start dating, and soon after, SEBASTIAN beats the crap out of MARGOT. Then MARGOT goes after him with a shotgun. And since both real life parties can't own up to any of this we don't know what to believe so just enjoy the ride, okay folks?

ALLISON JANNEY

I don't approve of this relationship. No daughter of mine will be abused like that! Not by anyone else, anyway.

SEBASTIAN STAN

Fuck off, Allison. All you've managed to do is remind the audience of the time Peter Griffin named his pet giraffe after you.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Shut up, the both of you. Now lets get on with the storytelling. Turn up the 70's rock!

ALLISON JANNEY

Why the fuck are we playing 70s rock if our story takes place in the late 80s/early 90s?

MARGOT ROBBIE

'Cause it makes for a good bio-pic? Seriously, I have no idea.

MARGOT competes in multiple competitions but still receives low scores. She confronts the judges, who's noses are so far up in the air that she has to shout into their NOSTRILS.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Hey, what do I have to do to impress you fuckwads?

JUDGE SNOBBY VON PRETENTIOUSNESS

Unfortunately dear, you're just not the type. In figure skating, we want dainty fairies who can literally float down onto the rink with butterfly wings while farting pixie dust on everyone. And you? You're Swamp Thing in a blonde wig.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Let me get this straight. Instead of judging me on my skating, you're judging me because I have an "athletic" body type and because I can't afford nicer dresses because I'm fucking poor? Is this for real?

JUDGE SNOBBY VON PRETENTIOUSNESS

Don't feel left out, we do something similar to Surya Bonaly in the 90's. Anyway, you still lose. Sayonara, Swamp Thing!

MARGOT ROBBIE

I'll show you! I trained for five months and herniated a disk to prepare for this role. Everything the real Tonya did, I'm doing in this movie!

ALLISON JANNEY

Well, except when it comes to the jumps. Then it's just your head Governor Tarkin-ed onto a stunt double.

INT. MINNEAPOLIS - 1991 NATIONALS

MARGOT gets on the rink. She skates around for a while, and then turns into CGI MARGOT and attempts the TRIPLE AXEL. CGI MARGOT succeeds!

SEBASTIAN STAN

Way to go honey! You did the... triple jump thingy! Which totally looks different from all the other skating jumps! A layman will definitely be able to tell the difference!

MARGOT ROBBIE

How could you even see anything? All I saw was lens flares. What, did JJ Abrams shoot this scene?

INT. ALBERTVILLE, FRANCE - 1992 OLYMPICS

After riding a wave of fame and simultaneously dodging SEBASTIAN'S fists, MARGOT competes in the Olympics and places fourth.

MARGOT ROBBIE

FOURTH? I can't believe this shit! I'm the best figure skater in the universe! You know, I'm starting to think that our tumultuous relationship is having an effect on my skating!

SEBASTIAN STAN

Yeah that, and the fact that you've gotten cocky after your triple axel. Or that you started gaining weight because of your constant boozing.

MARGOT ROBBIE

No! I'm finally wising up and leaving your abusive ass. Goodbye, Bashing Bucky. Good things are headed my way after this!

JUDGE SNOOTY MCHIGHANDMIGHTY

Hey Margot, I just wanted to remind you that you're still ugly and we also shame you for not having a wholesome all-American family.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Fuck.

After multiple police calls, restraining orders, and a gunshot to the head, she goes back to SEBASTIAN. Because this is the WORST AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL EVER.

INT. PORTLAND, OREGON - NW REGIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1993

MARGOT gets back into shape in order to square up against her friend and competitor, CAITLIN CARVER. (ohboyohboyohboy here it is!)

It is then that she receives a death threat.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I'm so freaked out that it's affecting my ability to skate, and I can't lose to Caitlin again! If only there was a way to even the playing field!

SEBASTIAN STAN

Hmmm, it seems we have a choice to make. We could either increase security, so you can press on and beat Caitlin fair and square, OR we could come up with the dumbest and most easily figured out plan in the history of anything.

PAUL WALTER HAUSER

Alright so here's the plan. I'll hire two guys to fake some death threats towards Caitlin in order to scare her too. Psychological warfare, baby!

MARGOT ROBBIE

Okay, so the movie is admitting that I knew about this part...

But PAUL changes the plan. He sends his goon, RICKY RUSSERT, to follow CAITLIN to DETROIT. He takes out a baton and whacks CAITLIN right in the knee! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!

Everyone panics! Security searches everywhere! And RICKY uses his head to burst through the locked glass door to escape!

CAITLIN CARVER

(crying)

WHHYYYYY? WHYYYYYYY? WHHYYYYYYY did he use his head? He had a fucking baton in his hands! What a moron!

MARGOT learns about this on the NEWS because SEE? SHE DEFINITELY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT PART OKAY?

SEBASTIAN STAN

Dude! We agreed on psychological warfare! What, did you change the plans just so you can have something to tell your drinking buddies?

PAUL WALTER HAUSER

Well, yeah actually. Look at me, man. I'm a giant loser who lives in his mother's basement. I crave other people's approval. Which reminds me, I'm the one who called in the death threat to Margot, and I also told the FBI that you help plan the attack too.

SEBASTIAN STAN

You fucking asshole!

PAUL WALTER HAUSER

You are the company you keep.

INT. MARGOT'S HOUSE

ALLISON visits MARGOT.

ALLISON JANNEY

Okay, so the FBI caught Paul because he blabbed the whole thing to anyone he could. Ricky and the other goon who followed Caitlin around got caught because they used their own credit cards for airfare and hotel rooms. And to top it all off, Caitlin only suffered a bone bruise and will be able to compete in the Olympics after all, so they couldn't even do that right. Seriously, are there even two brain cells among the five of you?

MARGOT ROBBIE

I didn't know about the attack, okay? It was just supposed to be mailing letters! Yup. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

ALLISON JANNEY

Even if that is true, do you honestly think people will believe you when you say that after you saw the attack on the news, you didn't think there was even the SLIGHTEST POSSIBILITY that it could be related to the plan you were a part of?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

ALLISON JANNEY

And what about the fact that the real Tonya Harding denies that it was her handwriting on that piece of paper indicating where Nancy was practicing, even though this movie and the FBI both admit that it was hers?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Ummmmm....

ALLISON JANNEY

This is why no one believes you.

INT. BLADES OF GLORY

MARGOT and CAITLIN compete in the 1994 Olympics in Lillehammer, Norway, amidst loads of press coverage and a heated rivalry.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I see you got fat!

CAITLIN CARVER

I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!

MARGOT is called up to the rink but arrives late. She begins skating, but stops and skates up to the judges.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I can't skate because my lace is broken! The chaos surrounding my life is truly taking its toll! Woe is me!

OLYMPIC JUDGE

We sympathize dear, but you're competing in the Olympics. You didn't think to bring an extra pair of laces?

The judges award her a giant WOMP WOOOMMMMPPPP with an accompanying TUBA SOLO in the form of giving her EIGHTH PLACE.

MARGOT ROBBIE

And you know what I don't get? Caitlin won second place and she looked like she stepped in poo.

CAITLIN CARVER

You don't "get it?" You don't get that thanks to your moron friends, I almost lost my chance at every athlete's lifelong dream? You don't get why I'd work my ass off to overcome this horrible display of unsportsmanlike conduct to not only compete at the fucking Olympics, but win? AND the fact that I lost to that goddamned Ukrainian teenager by one sixth of a point?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Hey hey hey, I'm the victim here, not you!

INT. PRESENT DAY INTERVIEWS

OLDER MARGOT ROBBIE

So yeah, at my trial I plead guilty to hindering prosecution, was stripped of my titles, and was banned from skating for life. And that's the story of how I became a walking punchline.

OLDER ALLISON JANNEY

And we don't even know if it's accurate! Half of my part is made up because we couldn't find Tonya's real mother to interview. But we must not have looked very hard because Inside Edition found her pretty easily.

OLDER MARGOT ROBBIE

Eh whatever. At least you and I are up for Academy Awards. Wish us luck everyone!

OLDER SEBASTIAN STAN

Break a leg!

(pause)

I mean... Shit.