FADE IN:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

Six-foot-one AVA MICHELLE walks through the HALLWAY.

THREE DIFFERENT STUDENTS

(actual line)

How's the weather up there?

AVA MICHELLE

God, why can't these people who have probably known me since kindergarten, not to mention my parents, look past my height? There's so much more to me than being tall! Like... I dunno, I didn't completely miss the point of A Confederacy of Dunces. There's that.

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

Girl, as your sassy black friend, I suggest you show off something else about you, like the talent you displayed on--

AVA MICHELLE

WE DO NOT SPEAK OF DANCE MOMS.

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

Right. Anyway, considering this idea's movie of two-dimensional is your sister, who is a) hot and b) riddled with allergies, just be happy with your one dimension.

GRIFFIN GLUCK

I'll be happy with your one dimension! I'll look past your height to see your model-like beauty that could easily set you up to be more famous than our entire graduating class put together! OH PLEASE BEND DOWN SO I CAN SMELL YOUR HAIR!

AVA MICHELLE

Look, Griffin, you're lucky I even let you be my lab partner considering what an annoying stalker you are.

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

Speaking of stalkers--

AVA MICHELLE

I SAID IXNAY ON THE ANCE-DAY OMS-MAY.

Suddenly the HEAVENS part and send her Swedish exchange student LUKE EISNER.

JEREMY CLARKSON

(voiceover)

Some say that he learned to ride a bicycle before he was born and that he thinks in binary. All we know is... this character's name is Stig.

AVA MICHELLE

Oh my God he's perfect! He clears six feet AND he looks like a really pretty lost Hemsworth!

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

Well, you might want to stop dressing like a minimum-security inmate every day, since your competition is--

BITCHY MCBITCHFACE

Hi, new guy. I'm hot and popular and teachers do nothing when I get the entire class to mock Ava. Handjob on the bleachers?

LUKE EISNER

Bork.

They walk off together.

GRIFFIN GLUCK

So this means I have a chance, right?

AVA MICHELLE

I should seriously just crush you with my thumb.

INT. GRIFFIN'S HOUSE

GRIFFIN arrives home to discover that his family is hosting LUKE.

LUKE EISNER

Bork bork!

GRIFFIN GLUCK

Oh God. You can't be here. I know we'll have hotties coming through this door for months, but if I had any hope of scooping up your leftovers, Ava probably would have sucked my dick a long time ago.

LUKE EISNER

Bork?

GRIFFIN GLUCK

What do you mean, bork? As apparently the only good-looking guy at our school, you'll also be the luckiest for miles.

LUKE EISNER

Bork, bork bork bork bork.

GRIFFIN GLUCK

You're the loser back in Sweden? What does the hot guy look like?

LUKE EISNER

(shows him a picture of Fredrik Ljungberg)

GRIFFIN GLUCK

Oh. Uh... yeah. That'd do it.

INT. AVA'S HOUSE

AVA arrives home to find a TALLNESS SUPPORT GROUP MEETING in swing.

AVA MICHELLE

Mom, Dad, who the hell are these people?

STEVE ZAHN

Oh, well, since we can't look past our own daughter's height any better than anyone else...

ANGELA KINSEY

...we decided to surround you with people who are just as tall and even lamer!

AVA MICHELLE

Wow. Even for Steve Zahn and Angela Kinsey, you are both AWFUL.

She goes upstairs to see her sister, SABRINA CARPENTER.

SABRINA CARPENTER

Ava, is this important? I have to become even more shallow and looks-obsessed than I already am before my next pageant.

AVA MICHELLE

Or you could move your talent for glass harpistry past "Canon in D." But if you want an outlet for your looks obsession... I like a boy. Wanna be my Makeover Fairy?

SABRINA CARPENTER

(sprouts rainbow-colored wings)

LET'S GET BUSY!

She flies AVA through a sparkly cloud of LIP GLOSS and PEROXIDE.

AVA MICHELLE

Well, nothing's changed that the audience can see, but I'm starting to feel better. If only I were pretty AND had a date to homecoming, then my growth as a human being would be complete!

RICO PARIS

(calls her cell)

Bork bork bork, bork. Bork bork bork da-bork bork?

AVA MICHELLE

Um... sure, Luke, I'd love to bork your da-bork!

BITCHY MCBITCHFACE

(takes the phone)

Yeah, RIGHT, Ava. You really think six-foot-plus you has a chance of bagging the hot Swede when I have the kind of crippling daddy issues that lead girls like me to pass up all opportunities for intellectual development for boys, get knocked up by a patron at the roadhouse where I'll work, give birth to a daughter named Landree or Berkleigh or something else that's instantly dated and embarrassing, and spend my adult years mired in misery, near-poverty, and the knowledge that my greatest victory in life was bagging a hot Swede that one time? I think NOT.

(hangs up)

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

AVA spends the day literally hiding.

AVA MICHELLE

She's right. I suck because I'm tall.

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

Ava, you don't suck because you're tall. You suck because you're 16 or 17 years old and you haven't figured out that nothing you do in high school will matter in the future. GET CONFIDENT, STUPID.

AVA MICHELLE

NO!

She ducks into the MUSIC ROOM, where LUKE is playing the PIANO poorly.

AVA MICHELLE

Huh. You're not perfect.

LUKE EISNER

Bork bork bork?

AVA MICHELLE

Yes, it turns out I do have a second dimension: being good at piano and passable at singing.

LUKE EISNER

Bork! Bork bork bork, bork?

AVA MICHELLE

Sure, I'd love to come over and listen to show tunes with you! Maybe it turns out you'll have more in common with me than the girl who makes you buy her soda. By the way, her vag is going to be MAJORLY overstretched in like three years.

LUKE EISNER

Bork bork bork. Bork, BORK bork bork.

AVA MICHELLE

Really? Already?

INT. GRIFFIN'S HOUSE

AVA arrives.

AVA MICHELLE

Hey, Griff. I'm trying to get my over-the-pants on tonight, so try not to interrupt, okay?

GRIFFIN GLUCK

Oh, sure, Ava. No problem.

(operates table saw)

(plays vuvuzela)

(adopts three Pomeranians)

AVA MICHELLE

Look, the viewers were promised a love triangle. You are writing yourself out of that triangle by being, just, THE WORST. Even if I don't date Luke, I would be a MORON to date you.

She and LUKE leave.

LUKE EISNER

Bork bork, bork bork bork bork, bork.

AVA MICHELLE

You'd do that? You'd make out with me behind Bitchy's back, thereby making it clear that dating you would also be kind of moronic?

LUKE EISNER

Bork bork.

AVA MICHELLE

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

They make out. LUKE returns to the house.

LUKE EISNER

Bork, bork, bork bork bork bork.

GRIFFIN GLUCK

Oh, dude, you CAN'T dump Bitchy for Ava. You have to ride this "hot popular guy" thing as long as you can, and that means completely ignoring the girl you obviously like better.

LUKE EISNER

Bork bork bork?

GRIFFIN GLUCK

Yes, that IS an awful thing to do, and it's even more awful of me to suggest it.

(pauses)

She really would be a moron to date either of us.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

AVA shows up with her HAIR down and some LIP GLOSS on.

LUKE EISNER

(ignores her)

Bork! Bork bork bork!

GRIFFIN GLUCK

(joins his table)

Hey there, hottie popular people who have never talked to me! Mind if I eat lunch with you so I don't have to admit to Ava what a terrible person I am?

PARIS BERELC

Sure. I don't think you're terrible.

GRIFFIN GLUCK

Well, you're wrong, but let's go with it.

He and LUKE leave AVA in the DUST.

AVA MICHELLE

I don't get it. I thought an entry-level makeover would turn me into competition for Bitchy, especially since she glosses her lips with roadkill blood.

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

Okay, Ava? These people do not matter. They will never matter. If you're going to see anyone here ever again after graduation, it'll probably be me. Please try to appreciate the fact that you have a best friend who has no character other than being your best friend.

AVA MICHELLE

Yeah, you're probably--

BITCHY MCBITCHFACE

Rico wants to invite you to a party, even though he, like me, has tormented you since we were 5.

AVA MICHELLE

Cool. I'm in.

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

(screams into locker)

INT. THAT KIND OF PARTY WHERE EVERYONE MAKES OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE AND SOMEHOW THAT'S NOT AWKWARD OR GROSS TO ANY OF THEM

AVA, LUKE, and GRIFFIN keep staring at each other while making out with OTHER PEOPLE.

AVA MICHELLE

Okay, do people ever really do this? Can't we just smoke weed?

INT. AVA'S HOUSE

AVA sulks on her bed.

AVA MICHELLE

I should be happy that three guys are lining up to make out with me. But one is too weak-minded, one is too creepy, and one is too pointless. There's really only one right answer to this conundrum.

She dresses like PRINCE and goes solo to the BIG DANCE.

AVA MICHELLE

(taps microphone)

Excuse me? Hi, everyone, I'm here to hijack the entire night to make a speech about myself. Your insults about my height are overtired and inoffensive and I could decapitate three of you with a single swing of my forearm if I felt like it. And it turns out pursuing a boyfriend in high school isn't worth it, because no matter who ends up with who, you're just going to hook up with other people at your first rush parties and break up at Thanksgiving. So kiss my ass if you can reach that high. And by the way, Bitchy, labiaplasty is the new hotness; look into it.

ENTIRE SCHOOL

(riotous applause)

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

That was awesome! Finally you've learned that confidence doesn't hinge on getting a boyfriend!

AVA MICHELLE

What? No, I said PURSUING a boyfriend. Griffin was available the whole time. Later.

ANJELIKA WASHINGTON

(screams into dress)

END