Ohhh. Now we see why they thought of Lady Gaga for the remake.

A STAR IS BORN (1937)

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FARMHOUSE

LAURA GAINOR is living on a small farm with her grandmother MAY ROBSON and AUNTIE EM.

AUNTIE EM

Hey, my name isn’t Aunti Em! I’m an actress, my name is Clara Blandick and I’ve been in about a billion movies. I haven’t even done The Wizard of Oz yet!

LAURA GAINOR

Oh yeah, we should respect that you’re doing a completely different down-to-earth farmer’s wife whose niece yearns to find a more glamorous life somewhere far away. Seriously, you might as well replace me with Judy Garland.

MAY ROBSON

Laura, I know you want to go to Hollywood. Just be aware that any bold venture comes with its share of heartbreak. Why when I was moving west as a young woman, I had to endure THE TRAGIC DEATH OF MY HUSBAND.

(pause)

Was that too on-the-nose? Anyway, you’ll obviously need to work hard and save up money to follow your dream, so-

LAURA GAINOR

AHEM. I would like to redeem this “Other people just give Laura whatever she wants without her needing to put in any effort” voucher, please?

MAY ROBSON

Oh.

(hands over life savings)

Fine.

LAURA GAINOR

Mwa ha ha, I have a whole book of these things.

INT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO

LAURA arrives in HOLLYWOOD.

LAURA GAINOR

Hello, is this where I go to be a movie star?

(discreetly waves voucher)

STUDIO EMPLOYEE

Those aren’t valid here, I’m afraid. Now please, this is the Actors wing, you want to go through this door to the Generically Attractive Young Women With No Acting Experience or Training or Understanding of the Industry Who Expect to Just Wander Into Hollywood and Instantly Become Famous wing.

She opens the DOOR, causing ONE MILLION WOMEN INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM LAURA to tumble out.

LAURA GAINOR

Damnit, you mean people aren’t going to throw movie roles at my anonymous feet as soon as I start trying? This isn’t what I signed up for! What next, I’m actually going to have to work for food and rent and stuff?!?

LANDLORD

(accepting voucher)

Nope, you are winsome and cute and therefore I don’t have the heart to charge you rent.

NEIGHBOR

(accepting voucher)

And you can just mooch off of me for everything else! Once again, because: winsome, cute.

LAURA GAINOR

That’s more like it! Now to do nothing proactive whatsoever, and just wait for my acting career to spontaneously start itself.

(sits on ass)

(stares at watch)

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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