FADE IN:

INT. TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK

YOUNG EMILIO ESTEVEZ, star of the KAI COBRAS pee-wee hockey team, prepares to take a CHAMPIONSHIP-WINNING PENALTY SHOT.

COACH LANE SMITH

Listen up, Estevez: Miss this shot and you'll grow up to be the human equivalent of a BMW 3 Series. Make this shot and I MIGHT let you have your recently deceased father's ashes back. Got it?

YOUNG EMILIO misses.

COACH LANE SMITH

Well, damn, who could have seen that coming?

(tosses EMILIO's father's ashes into a fan)

INT. 19 YEARS LATER

Present-day EMILIO is a sleazy defense lawyer with a drinking problem, a.k.a. THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A BMW 3 SERIES.

JOSEF SOMMER

Good job winning that case, Emilio! But perhaps you should stop winning cases for a while.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Why would you want me to do that? I'm racking up tons of billable hours and enhancing your firm's reputation with my success rate. What universe do you live in where that's a bad thing?

JOSEF SOMMER

The 90s family movie universe. You need someone to encourage you to reconnect with the thing you loved once, and the kindly father figure who makes sense won't be here until Act 2. There's also the small matter of your multiple drunk driving arrests, which do NOT enhance my firm's reputation.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

So, picking up garbage with one of those pokey sticks?

JOSEF SOMMER

Worse. Spending time with kids.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

NO!

JOSEF SOMMER

And without beer.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

NOOOO!!!

INT. RINK

EMILIO meets the PEE-WEE TEAM he's coaching, the RAGTAG MISFITS.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Okay, sports movie roll call! Leader with a heart of gold?

JOSHUA JACKSON

(saving a kitten)

Here.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Annoying dork?

MATT DOHERTY

(blowing his nose)

Here.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Token?

BRANDON ADAMS/JUSSIE SMOLLETT

(beatboxing)

Here.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Punchable little twerp?

J.D. DANIELS

(setting fire to the kitten)

Here.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Fat clod?

SHAUN WEISS/AARON SCHWARTZ

(shoving Pizza Pockets through their helmets)

Here.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Girl?

MARGUERITE MOREAU

(menstruating)

Here.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

And you... uh... what's your thing, exactly?

GARETTE RATLIFF HENSON

(standing there)

Standing here.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

And I'm the coach who would rather sponge-bathe Don Cherry than be here. Now I have 500 hours to kill over the next few months, so you can just--

COACH LANE SMITH

Estevez? You're still alive? I thought you went home and hung yourself after that missed goal.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Oh... hi, Coach Smith! Wow, you haven't aged. At all. Not one bit.

COACH LANE SMITH

Yes, a daily bath in the tears of children is remarkably good for the skin. Anyway, good luck pitting your hapless dweebs against my highly trained, equipped, and disciplined team that is committed to winning and absolutely nothing else.

(is subject of many tell-all tweetstorms, probably)

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

All right, team: Win.

BRANDON ADAMS

How?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

By not losing! What do you want?!

The RAGTAG MISFITS lose. Like, a LOT. As in, the WASHINGTON GENERALS are embarrassed for them.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Okay, winning didn't work, so let's try diving.

JOSHUA JACKSON

Seriously? What is this, soccer?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

It is now, and all of you are going to be Cristiano Ronaldo. Go.

THIS works about as well as the LAST THING. BRANDON and JUSSIE's father, JOHN BEASLEY, and JOSHUA's mother, HEIDI KLING, storm over.

JOHN BEASLEY

How dare you make any son of mine pretend he's been injured?!

(looks at JUSSIE)

I'm going to go now.

(leaves)

HEIDI KLING

Well, I'm not! I expect a positive learning environment for my son, you stupid piece of shit, and you're going to give it to him or face the full heat of my hockey-mom wrath!

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Lady, I've had to give up beer for this. You don't scare me.

HEIDI KLING

No? How about hockey-mom wrath with a side of confusing boner?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

EXT. THE TURN

EMILIO goes to visit his old mentor, JOSS ACKLAND.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

I don't get it, Joss. Lane negatively reinforced me for years and I kept winning, until I didn't. Why isn't that working on these kids?

JOSS ACKLAND

Because that's an unhealthy and self-destructive approach to youth sports that thousands of parents will end up regretting. As long as they learn about teamwork and skill and the benefits of regular physical exercise, you'll have done your job.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

But... they're still going to win in the end, right?

JOSS ACKLAND

Well, duh. It wouldn't be satisfying if they didn't. In the meantime, you need two things: a fatherly bond with your worthiest player of the kind I had with you, and a big pile of money so they no longer look like they Dumpster-dived for their uniforms.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Yeah, that's not just a look...

He goes to see JOSEF.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

The Ragtag Misfits need a big pile of your money.

JOSEF SOMMER

No.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

It'll enhance this firm's reputation.

JOSEF SOMMER

I suddenly care about that again. Take $30,000 out of petty cash.

EMILIO takes the RAGTAG MISFITS, now known as the BAD GIMMICK BEARS, to JOSS's shop, where J.D. finds an article about YOUNG EMILIO during his KAI COBRA years. EMILIO recruits three new players, including ELDEN HENSON.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

We need a disproportionately tall tough guy to round out our cliché collection. How about it?

ELDEN HENSON

RRNNGH.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

You can't? Well, I taught the others how to pass with eggs, and I taught Shaun to block goals by tying him up. I can easily teach you how to skate through public humiliation. Not on ice, mind you, but you'll know how to skate.

ELDEN HENSON

RRNNGH.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Yes, I do think I can get Josef to agree to a weekly supply of buffalo meat.

ELDEN and the BAD GIMMICK BEARS start NOT LOSING!

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Well, Joss, this seems to be working, but not fast enough. I've only been given 90 minutes to turn this travesty of a joke of a team into a championship contender.

JOSS ACKLAND

A bureaucratic snafu granting you the right to poach Lane's best player mid-season wouldn't hurt.

EMILIO poaches VINCENT LARUSSO from the KAI COBRAS.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Don't worry, Vincent. I'm sure your spoiled rich friends who are committed to winning and absolutely nothing else will be totally reasonable about you playing for another team.

VINCENT LARUSSO

Whatever. I'm the only player with actual athletic skill here. As long as I get the chance to show it off, I'll play for any team.

(frowns)

Okay, ALMOST any team. I'm not playing for the fucking Oilers.

COACH LANE SMITH

What the hell is this, Estevez? Can't you win by abusing talent into children like the rest of us?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Loophole abuse just felt more natural. It's a happy coincidence that Vincent makes...

J.D. and BRANDON arrive in time to hear him say:

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

...my players look like total fuck-ups.

COACH LANE SMITH

Total fuck-ups like you, who missed that goal at age nine?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

No, total fuck-ups like you, who's coached one pee-wee team his entire life while I've probably made enough money to buy it.

COACH LANE SMITH

I hate you so very, very much.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

I don't know why I think about you at all.

He goes to his LOCKER ROOM.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Vincent's joining the team.

MARGUERITE MOREAU

Why? He's not any better than us!

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Objectively, he is. He plays like he knows something about real-life hockey, instead of this movie's half-illegal version of hockey.

J.D. DANIELS

Yeah! Maybe a Kai Cobra LIKE YOU will be a big help! Maybe with him on the team, we won't LOOK LIKE TOTAL FUCK-UPS, right, Coach?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

J.D., you're taking that line out of context. Do you know what "context" means?

J.D. DANIELS

SUCKS TO YOUR CON-TECKS!

BRANDON ADAMS

(actual line)

If you wanna play, play with yourself!

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Look, guys, we may have a shot at the playoffs if we stick together, because season records don't mean anything in this league. You really want to give that up?

BAD GIMMICK BEARS

No.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Good. But, as a sweetener, I'll stand there and do nothing while you verbally abuse Vincent. Deal?

BAD GIMMICK BEARS

Deal.

INT. JOSHUA'S APARTMENT

EMILIO spends WAY TOO MUCH TIME here.

JOSHUA JACKSON

Hey, Coach, if you ever want to date my mom, it's cool.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Isn't that the sort of thing that will make your teammates mock you for the rest of your life?

JOSHUA JACKSON

Yeah, but I'm the heart of the team because of my principles and dedication and all, so I'll allow it. Besides, you saw her in Act 1. She is DESPERATE for the D, and I'm not talking about hockey.

EMILIO takes HEIDI out.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

So this is...

HEIDI KLING

Um...

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Yeah...

HEIDI KLING

Reverse cowgirl in the back of my car and then forget we ever touched each other?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Perfect.

INT. THE CHAMPIONSHIP

Hockey people, help me out: Would a pee-wee game have a play-by-play announcer? Also, why is MATT allowed to play with his glasses on? Shouldn't he be required to wear goggles of some kind? And are there ever mixed-gender teams in pee-wee, as a rule? And shouldn't the BAD GIMMICK BEARS be wearing away jerseys for this game? Do they even have away jerseys in pee-wee? Sorry to interrupt, maybe this is all just creative license, but these things have always bugged me. Anyway, the BAD GIMMICK BEARS go up against the KAI COBRAS.

KAI COBRAS

(actual line)

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

BAD GIMMICK BEARS

FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!

KAI COBRAS

ASSAULT! ASSAULT! ASSAULT! ASSAULT!

BAD GIMMICK BEARS

TEAMWORK! TEAMWORK! TEAMWORK! TEAMWORK!

KAI COBRAS

CASUAL RACISM! CASUAL RACISM!

BAD GIMMICK BEARS

SELF-RESPECT! Self-respect!... Self... yeah, this sounds dumb.

The GAME goes pretty much exactly like this, until it's time for JOSHUA to take the CHAMPIONSHIP-WINNING PENALTY SHOT.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Joshua, I don't want to negatively reinforce you, because we all know how that turns out. So, if this helps, I railed your mom REAL good and I think she's going to be in a much better mood for a while.

JOSHUA makes the SHOT and the BAD GIMMICK BEARS win!

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Well, Lane, it appears I'm responsible for BOTH of the worst moments of your entire life. What are you gonna do about that?

COACH LANE SMITH

You still have any of that beer?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Yeah, tons.

COACH LANE SMITH

Would you be at all interested in waterboarding me to death in it?

EXT. BUS STATION

EMILIO prepares to go to a MINOR-LEAGUE TRYOUT.

JOSHUA JACKSON

Coach, I'm not so sure about this. Wouldn't you be better off coaching full-time, or even returning to law, instead of competing for spots against dead-eyed Canadian teens who look like their lips move when they read?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Considering how the next movie starts, yes, I probably would. Well, bye.

His bus leaves, running over the FIVE PLAYERS WHO DIDN'T RETURN FOR THE SEQUEL.

END