FADE IN:

INT. KENNEDY CENTER

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS and ELIZABETH BANKS are back as ANNOUNCERS who comment over LIVE VOCAL PERFORMANCES so all their LISTENERS can't hear the SHOW!

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Hello, a-ca freaks! Welcome to the remake of that Anna Kendrick movie with the Cup song!

ELIZABETH BANKS

Actually it's a sequel, John.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Pfft, we'll see about that. Anyway, I'm a sexist asshole who's shittiness is so stupid it's hilarious! My my, Elizabeth, I'd love to take you back into whatever kitchen you escaped from and give you 75% of what a man makes, if you need know what I mean.

ELIZABETH BANKS

I directed this movie. I could have your balls as earrings.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Oh look! The Bellas are back! There's Anna Kendrick, that girl who no one can decide if she's hot or "not hot but I'd still totally do her!" Man, listen to that tinny voice sing!

ELIZABETH BANKS

And there's Rebel Wilson, being all fat again. Fat people are hilarious! So hilarious we're going to make a joke about her weight every single time she appears on screen! Women made this movie so that makes it okay!

The BELLAS do some shitty VOCAL MASHUPS because WRITING ORIGINAL SONGS IS HARD.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

So why are we here again, Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH BANKS

Well, the Bellas have been tearing up every a-ca championship in the United States since the last movie, so now they're playing at the Kennedy Center for President Obama on his birthday!

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

How utterly believable that the most powerful man in the world would spend his special day watching a bunch of bitchy white girls shriek out some Miley Cyrus.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Whoops, it seems like Rebel Wilson has accidentally exposed her vagina!

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

The spandex just couldn't endure her! Women can't do anything right!

The Bellas retreat in SHAME, having EMBARRASSED THEMSELVES during an IMPORTANT PERFORMANCE, just like at the start of the FIRST MOVIE.

INT. SORORITY HOUSE

The BELLAS meet up to PLAN their REDEMPTION ARC.

BRITTANY SNOW

(the ginger one)

Alright, you a-ca fucktards, thanks to Rebel's fat incompetence, we've officially ruined our lives. Who's down for a suicide pact?

ALEXIS KNAPP

(the slutty one)

Yeah, why the hell do we keep Rebel around? She's an okay singer, she barely dances, she's stupid, and she's kind of a bitch.

REBEL WILSON

Taking responsibility for your fuckups is for skinny folk. I am hilarious and therefore blameless.

BRITTANY SNOW

Can it, Rebel. We're doomed because of you.

ESTER DEAN

(the black lesbian one)

Are we? We've spent the past three years dominating the American music industry. We just played for the fucking President. I'm pretty sure we can get a record deal, or at least a spot on The Voice.

HANA MAE LEE

(the quiet asian one)

I eat puppy souls.

BRITTANY SNOW

Hana's right, you guys. Sure, we've spent our college years kicking America's a-ca ass but now it's time we took over the WORLD! That's right! We're going to the INTERNATIONAL A-CAPELLA CHAMPIONSHIPS WHICH ARE TOTALLY A THING! USA! USA!

CHRISSIE FIT

(the Guatemalan one)

Hey, where's Anna?

Everyone stares at CHRISSIE, tapping their feet.

CHRISSIE FIT

I mean, Aye Dios Mio! Where is that skinny gringo? Tacos!

INT. RECORDING STUDIO

While the BELLAS are working on their DUMB COLLEGE CLUB, ANNA is out GETTING A JOB like a RESPONSIBLE YOUNG ADULT.

SKYLAR ASTIN

Alright Anna, have fun at your first day at work!

ANNA KENDRICK

Ugh, but Skylar, I just don't know if I'm going to fit in and-

SKYLAR ASTIN

Wait, didn't this exact scene happen pretty much verbatim in the last movie on your first day of school?

ANNA KENDRICK

Yeah, except you would be my father.

SKYLAR ASTIN

Ew. Well, I love you honey bun! Have fun!

ANNA KENDRICK

I sure am lucky to have such a wonderful boyfriend who's relationship with me will be challenged in absolutely no way for this entire film. Obstacles are hard to write.

ANNA sits on her first meeting with the rest of the HIPSTERS and their BOSS, KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Alright you skinny jeans-wearing, frappacino-chugging, music-pirating Millenial sacks of Adderall and Tweets. The God of Music a.k.a. Snoop Dogg or Snoop Lion or Snoop Tapeworm or whatever he's calling himself these days is coming to our studio to record a Christmas album and I need you all to 1) worship the ground he walks on, and 2) figure out how to make a Christmas album remotely listenable. Start vomiting ideas so that I may mock you.

SOME JACKASS

We could write original Christmas songs.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Please go murder your entire family so that the genes that spawned you cannot be passed on. Anyone else?

ANNA KENDRICK

What if we wrote some mashups?

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

Christmas...mashups? By god! It's brilliant! One Christmas song in isolation is pure torture but TWO played simultaneously?! Anna, I shall reward you by giving you exactly one chance to impress me with your music.

ANNA KENDRICK

I won't let you down, Mr. Peele!

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

(sighs)

INT. SORORITY HOUSE

The BELLAS are DICKING AROUND NOT DOING ANYTHING when HAILEE STEINFELD suddenly shows up at their door.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Hey everybody. I'm the girl from True Grit. Remember me? Anyway, I'd love to become a Bella. My mom was a Bella and my entire life she's been telling me over and over again how important it is that I become one. This is heartwarming and not at all creepy that my fifty year old mother's life peaked in college and she wants to now live vicariously through me.

BRITTANY SNOW

Sorry, we can't take any new pledges since Rebel flashed the president. God, that plot instigator sounds stupider every time someone says it out loud.

REBEL WILSON

Hang on there, Brittany. There's a loophole. The university said we can't audition new Bellas, but on the other hand, Hailee is a legacy, which exempts her from that rule for some reason!

ALEXIS KNAPP

She's also a pretty decent singer.

ESTER DEAN

And she's eighteen so it's okay if I ogle her.

CHRISSIE FIT

But the little chiquita was in Ender's Game which was worse than a burrito full of tequila and kidnapped drug mules.

HANA MAE LEE

The moon is made of whale meat.

BRITTANY SNOW

Hana's right, we need another Oscar nominee on the team now that Anna's never around. Alright Hailee, you're in.

HAILEE STEINFELD

I won't disappoint you! You know, like Rebel constantly does.

REBEL WILSON

(accidentally burns down an orphanage)

(suffers zero consequences)

INT. MANSION

The team suddenly get invited to a secret underground A-CAPELLA CONTEST. Just like in the LAST MOVIE! They go to the MANSION and INSTEAD OF GETTING MURDERED they find-

GAY DAVID CROSS

Hello you gorgeous a-ca muffins! I'm an inexplicably wealthy flamboyant homosexual who loves a-capella so much I invite teams from all over the world to compete for me in my a-ca Thunderdome! Now get ready to sing your little a-ca titties off!

BIRGITTE HJORT SØRENSEN

You feisty Americans shall not defeat the mighty German a-ca Master Race! My international vocal group and I shall crush this small-potatoes unofficial contest that we are inexplicably determined to win! ZEIG HEIL-APELLA!

REBEL WILSON

Yeah, well, your name is the fake name I would come up with on the fly if someone told me to pull the most stereotypical possible Scandinavian name out of my ass. Right, Anna?

ANNA KENDRICK

(drooling at Birgitte)

My clitoris has an a-ca-rection.

The contest begins! It features a LEGITIMATELY HILARIOUS CAMEO from the GREEN BAY PACKERS which is FUNNY ENOUGH to justify the ENTIRE MOVIE.

BRITTANY SNOW

Alright guys, we just have to sing one more song without fucking up and we win! Let's go with something simple like-

HAILEE STEINFELD

(sings an original song)

GAY DAVID CROSS

Hissssss! Original music! Hissssss!

The BELLAS LOSE!

REBEL WILSON

Oh well. At least it wasn't my fault for once.

(crashes the stock market)

(suffers no consequences)

INT. RECORD STUDIO

ANNA is still NOT ENJOYING her new job that got her a WRITER'S CREDIT for a SNOOP DOGG ALBUM.

ANNA KENDRICK

Excuse me, Mr. Chappelle?

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

(sighs)

Yes?

ANNA KENDRICK

I was just wondering if you listened to my demo tape.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

I did.

ANNA KENDRICK

And?

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

It was mashups. It was all mashups. I gave you an opportunity to show us your stuff and you vomited mashups onto a disc and called it art. I'm expressing this in the dickiest way possible but it's a totally valid point. if you were a film student and I asked to see your work, would you send me a copy of Schindler's List with Adam Sandler photoshopped into the shower scene? You create nothing I can't find with a quick Youtube search. I am now going to put your demo disc into this blender and mash it up with some dogshit. I think that would probably improve the sound.

ANNA goes back to the sorority house and talks to REBEL.

ANNA KENDRICK

Rebel, I really need some advice.

REBEL WILSON

As the least functional person in this Island of Misfit Toys we call a vocal group, I think I am the most qualified to give you life advice.

(destabilizes third world nation)

(suffers no consequences)

ANNA KENDRICK

Alright, here goes. I have been sneaking off lately to go work at a recording studio.

REBEL WILSON

JUDAS!

ANNA KENDRICK

Yeah, I know, it's horrible that I'm not 100% dedicated to my after school activities and am actually building a career.

REBEL WILSON

It's also kind of weird that playing for the fucking president didn't get you some better job opportunities than unpaid intern. Maybe I'm not the only complete idiot on this team.

ANNA KENDRICK

Stay focused, Rebel. Pretty girls such as me require routine pep talks from our Plain Jane companions in order to function.

REBEL WILSON

(nodding)

It is the natural order. Here. Take some of my delusional and inflated sense of self-importance confidence. You need it more than I do, I practically sweat the stuff.

The TEAM goes on to PERFORM their big REDEMPTION GIG except wait we still have another HOUR OF SCREEN TIME TO PAD OUT so it all goes HORRIBLY.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Goodness me! It looks like the Bellas are trying to distract from their obviously autotuned vocals with some visual flair! Such as streamers! And confetti! And some high-wire acrobatics lifted from Cirque Du Soleil!

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Remind me again how a struggling a-capella group can afford to put on a live show that KISS would call overproduced.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Whoops! Looks like one of them's on fire all of a sudden! I guess there wasn't any cash left over for safety precautions after all those spark jets were paid for.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Oh the a-ca humanity!

EXT. TEAM BUILDING CAMP

Using their LIMITLESS AMOUNTS OF MONEY, the BELLAS book a retreat at a GORGEOUS NATURE RESORT to participate in some TEAM BUILDING EXERCISES. Upon arrival they meet-

ANNA CAMP

Hey there, a-ca bitches! Remember me? That shrill blond girl who ruled the Bellas with an iron fist for the last movie until I literally vomited out all of my insecurities? Well guess what? PREPARE FOR ANOTHER IRON FISTING. MOVE OUT, MAGGOTS!

ANNA leads the team in some TRIALS like ROPE SWINGS, HIKES, and GETTING CAUGHT IN HORRIBLY UNSAFE NETS that trap you if you try to ESCAPE.

ANNA KENDRICK

Jesus Christ! What kind of psychopath thinks torturing musicians produces better results?

JK SIMMONS

(coughs)

ANNA KENDRICK

Well now that we've got our montage out of the way, I think it's time I told you all that I've been sneaking away from my extra curricular activities to go build a career.

BRITTANY SNOW

HOW COULD YOU!? I WILL STAB YOUR BABIES!

CHRISSIE FIT

YOU ARE WORSE THAN FIDEL CASTRO AND THE LAWMEN THAT PURSUE THE FRITO BANDITO COMBINED!

HANA MAE LEE

WE SIT UPON COUCHES YET DO NOT THANK THEM!

There is a PAUSE.

BRITTANY SNOW

Okay, I'm good now. Let's sing the Cups song.

They DO. It's kinda cute.

ANNA KENDRICK

Well now that we're all best friends again, let's go to Copenhagen for the climax.

REBEL WILSON

Wait. I've just realized I'm in love with Adam DeVine. Remember him? That douchebag who ran the Treblemakers from the first movie?

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh yeah. I seem to recall almost getting kicked out of the Bellas because I dated someone in his group. Is the no-dating rule not a thing anymore?

REBEL WILSON

Even if it is, I don't care. Boundaries are for the small. I must away!

Pause.

HAILEE STEINFELD

I'm also in love with Ben Platt, I guess.

BEN PLATT

Yay! I'm in this too!

INT. CAMEOHAGEN

After a quick MONTAGE of REAL LIFE A-CAPELLA GROUPS that will probably make their MOMS very excited, the BELLAS are scheduled to perform. But first must come a little more SMACK TALK from BIRGITTE and her band of A-CA NAZIS.

BIRGITTE HJORT SØRENSEN

Blah blah blah, must defeat you, blah blah, primary color ethnic stereotypes. Something about strudel or German cars or whatever aaaaand I'm out! Fun movie guys, see you never!

ANNA KENDRICK

I would hit that harder than the economic depression that allowed Hitler to rise to power.

BRITTANY SNOW

Focus, Anna. Save your lesbian experimentation for the fan fiction. We need to work out a special plan!

REBEL WILSON

And what will that be?

BRITTANY SNOW

Uh, just sing, like, really well, I guess?

The BELLAS go out and PERFORM!

ELIZABETH BANKS

Well look at that there, John. It appears as if the Bellas are doing the same generic pop mashups they always perform.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Not quite, Elizabeth. They've got an original song in there! Somewhere! Apparently! I think you can hear it if you strain.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Was this the song that Hailee wrote that fucked up their chances at David Cross's contest?

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

It sure seems like it. Well, I'm glad the a-capella community loves original compositions all of a sudden.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Oh look. It appears as if the Bellas are welcoming former Bellas onto the stage with them! Including Hailee's mom! Is it not against the rules to bring on fresh talent mid-performance?

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

It may well be, Elizabeth. Though personally I'm more confused about how they could afford to fly forty extra people to Denmark to be in this show.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Well, it looks like altering their formula has paid off for the Bellas once again! The Bellas win! Just like in the last movie!

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

(waving magic wand)

I now hereby declare the Bellas absolved of any fuckups they may have committed. And also things work out great at Anna's new job somehow.

ELIZABETH BANKS

What a refreshing upbeat sequel!

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Sequel my ass. This is a female-centric Hangover Pt. 2.

ELIZABETH BANKS

Funny you should mention disappointing trilogies, John.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS

Oh no. Fuck no. What the hell is part three going to be about? Are they going to perform in some intergalactic a-capella championship against groups from other solar systems or something?

He dives behind his desk and cowers as PITCH PERFECT 3 looms on the horizon.

END