The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
FRANCESCA HAYWARD is an ENTITY. She is quickly surrounded by other ENTITIES which look like they’re about to MURDER HER. The various ENTITIES flail about doing what is maybe meant to be a DANCE, in time with crazed spiralling sounds which is maybe meant to be MUSIC.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Oh sweet mercy, what am I? What are WE?! We look like furries who just got a wish granted by a really mean-spirited genie. We’re less than one minute in and it’s already clear that this movie was a horrible horrible mistake.
MONSTERS
(to the tune of “Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats”)
Does your face not quite fit?
Do your shoulders gyrate?
Does your lighting note quite
Match the rest of the scene?
Do your ears move all weird?
Are your textures all off?
Is the edge of your head
Not composited well?
You’re a terrible cat
We’re terrible too!
We’re a whole bunch of terrible cats!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Swell. Look, I can’t quite figure out your body language. Do you guys want to eat me or fuck me?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Unclear! We just pretty much always act like this.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
You mean like a high school drama class got told to be cats for an acting exercise, and they just REALLY went for it?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Pretty much! Now, moving on, let us explain the convoluted Skullduggery Pleasant-type rules by which each cat has three separate names.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Oh really? What are your three names, then?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Oh, no, nobody actually has more than one name in this movie, that’s just a thing we sing at the beginning of the movie for what turns out to be no reason. My one singular name is...
(mumbles)
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
(sighs)
"Mister Mistoffelees". Yes, with the crappy spelling and everything. But in my defence everybody around here has a fucking stupid name like that, they’re all like "Munkustrap" and "Rumpleteazer" and "Bombalurina" and "Rum Tum Tugger" and-
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Wow, okay, you know what? Maybe we can forget about the worldbuilding, it’s clearly not our strong suit. Let’s just get on with the story.
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Ah yes, the story. The... story.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
...This movie does have a story, doesn’t it?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Sort of? Basically we want to see who wins at the Jellicle Ball.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
All right, with you so far. What’s the Jellicle Ball?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
It’s this annual thing where all the jellicle cats get together.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
What’s a jellicle cat?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
We’re jellicle cats.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Sure, but what IS a jellicle cat?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Jellicle cats are jellicle cats. Like the song said, jellicle can and jellicle do.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
(frustrated)
They can and do WHAT?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Jellicle actions, presumably. The point is, tonight there’s a jellicle moon, so the jellicle cats are coming to the Jellicle Ball to find out who will be the jellicle choice.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
I don’t... is this Smurf language? I’m so confused.
LAURIE DAVIDSON
If it helps, think of it as like a creepy nightmare-cat version of The Voice. A bunch of us are gonna sing about what kind of cat we are, then one of us wins a new life.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
A "new life"? How? What does that entail?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
God, I dunno, everything’s so vague and unexplained around here. I don’t even know why everyone’s trying to get this new life thing in the first place, all the contestants seem pretty contented with the lives they’ve already got. Let’s just meet our first contestant, Rebel Wilson.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Ugh, is she still a thing?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Maybe not after this movie.
INT. LIVING ROOM
FRANCESCA and LAURIE and most of the CHORUS go into a HOUSE to behold REBEL WILSON.
REBEL WILSON
Hey there everybody! I’m a gumbie cat!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
(sighs)
What’s a gumbie cat, then? How is it distinct from a jellicle cat?
REBEL WILSON
Oh, I’m a jellicle cat too. I’m jellicle and gumbie at the same time!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
WORDS ARE SUPPOSED TO MEAN THINGS.
REBEL WILSON
(to the tune of "The Old Gumbie Cat")
So if you need proof that they made this on drugs
I will now devour some creepy humanoid bugs!
And worse, the effects guys that made this part went
With some worse-looking roaches than Joe’s Apartment!
(eats sapient insects alive)
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Well this is horrifying on every conceivable level. Show me the next contestant, they can’t be any worse than this.
LAURIE DAVIDSON
The next contestant is Jason Derulo.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Ugh, is HE still a thing?
They LEAVE. Suddenly, IDRIS ELBA shows up.
IDRIS ELBA
Hi there, Rebel! I’m a downright vicious and evil cat, and therefore the most recognizable cat in the movie. I’m here to put you out of commission for the Jellicle Ball!
REBEL WILSON
Gasp! Are you going to knock me out or tie me up or something?
IDRIS ELBA
Nope, I’m gonna zap you away with my completely unexplained teleportation powers!
REBEL WILSON
Wait what the fuck are you-
(disappears)
INT. MILK BAR
The general MIASMA of CAT CREATURES wanders over to see the next half-baked excuse for a musical number, JASON DERULO.
JASON DERULO
Ja-SON De-RU-lo!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Yes. Yes you are. Do I have to listen to Jason Derulo sing now? I’m just saying, I have carefully set-up preferences on Spotify to avoid this specific situation.
JASON DERULO
Aw, it’s not so bad. This way you get all of my charisma and none of my songwriting incompetence!
(to the tune of "The Rum Tum Tugger")
Jason Derulo is a talentless hack!
About half of my lyrics discussing my dong
All the confidence and strut of an Elvis in his prime
But the samples are the one decent part of all my songs
A high-pitched mewling voice, and I’m yowling all the time
So to cast me as a cat isn’t really that far wrong!
Jason Derulo is a talentless hack!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Mm hm, next, next please. I know I said this last time, but surely the NEXT cat has to be a step up.
LAURIE DAVIDSON
It’s James Corden.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
UGH, is HE still a thing?! Why have none of these people just gone away already?
EXT. ALLEY
They all go to watch JAMES CORDEN do HIS BIT.
JAMES CORDEN
Hi folks! Hey, remember The Cat in the Hat? Well have you ever thought, that movie’s great and all, but it’d be even better if the narrative was less coherent and it had a more smug and irritating lead actor?
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Nobody has ever thought that. Can I give you money to make that not happen?
JAMES CORDEN
Nope!
(to the tune of "Bustopher Jones: The Cat About Town")
Hey checkit, I’m fat
Let’s sing about that
And also I… wander around?
It’s not much, and yet
It’s all that I get
These skits aren’t exactly profound.
IDRIS ELBA
(showing up)
Surprise! I’mma make you disappear too!
(vanishes James)
Huzzah, my chances in the competition get better and better! I don’t know how else I could ever have beaten such impressive acts as "I’m fat" and "I eat live cockroaches".
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Hey, is this all that’s going to happen in this movie? We just introduce a cat, mention like two of their quirks, then introduce the next cat, and so on and so on? That’s not a story! That’s like being trapped on a bus sitting next to an old lady who owns fifteen cats and really wants to explain to you how they all have their own little personalities!
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Actually it’s like being trapped on a bus sitting next to a Nobel Prize-winning poet who owns fifteen cats and wants to write a whole book of poems about how they all have their own little personalities. And then a theatre composer has some kind of serious neurological event and decides to set all those poems to music and have grown men and women prance around in cat makeup singing about being cats. And then, due to what can only have been some kind of pact with the devil, that show becomes the longest-running show in Broadway history and makes billions of dollars, and decades later an Oscar-winning director decides to make a movie out of it, but then somehow manages to forget every single thing he ever knew about filmcraft before it enters production.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Man, even behind the scenes this thing makes absolutely no sense. Anyway, fuck this, I’m taking a break from all the character-introduction bullshit. Is there some kind of random, entirely unrelated thing I can go off and do for a while?
DANNY COLLINS
You can come help us commit a bunch of crimes!
NAOIMH MORGAN
Yeah, we’re a couple of sociopaths, we’re about to go rob and vandalize some houses. Wanna come with?
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Me? The sweet, innocent, good-natured waif? You want me to come join you in wanton theft and destruction of property?
(pause)
Feh, the hell with it, why not. Might as well throw consistent characterization on the bonfire along with everything else.
(to the tune of "In the Summertime")
I’ll commit some crime
Although usually I’m
Nice and well-behaved
Pretty much all the time
I’ll just do some crime
For no reason, for no reason and no rhyme...
She becomes a PSYCHOTIC DELINQUENT for all of one scene, then returns to what passes for a STORY around these parts.
INT. BALLROOM
The various ABOMINATIONS gather for the JELLICLE BALL.
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Okay, now that that total non sequitir is over, I guess it’s about time we introduced the cat who’s going to be deciding who will win the competition!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Geez, given the cast so far, I hate to imagine what annoying no-talent piece of shit we’ve got in charge of this whole debacle. Who is it, Justin Bieber? Kevin James?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
It’s beloved Shakespearean actress and immortal icon of stage and screen, Dame Judi Dench!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
(pause)
(brain breaks)
JUDI DENCH
(to the tune of "Old Deuteronomy")
Holy shit, guys, this is confusing
Why in the fuck am I here?
My star may be dwindling, but even so
I just have to ask, what have they got on me?
Are there pics of me doing treason?
Maybe they kidnapped my kids?
There’s no other logical way I’d do this
I’m not kidding, guys, what have they got on me?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
But wait, you’re not the only respected British thespian who’s slumming it in this turd! Behold our next contestant, Sir Ian McKellen!
JUDI DENCH
Oh, Ian, no. Are they presumably blackmailing you too?
IAN MCKELLEN
(smiling)
Nope! I’m here on purpose! Meow meow meow, look at me, I’m a kitty cat, rawr!
(makes paw hands, strokes whiskers)
JUDI DENCH
...Holy fuck. You’re enjoying this.
IAN MCKELLEN
That’s right! It’s abundantly clear that I know I’m in a humongous piece of garbage and I’m having the time of my life!
JUDI DENCH
Well, I guess at least one person got some kind of enjoyment out of this movie.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yup! Now come on, let’s do my song, "Gus: The Theatre Cat", about...
(reads lyrics)
(smile fades)
...how I used to be a notable actor and important presence in the theatre, but nowadays I’m old and creaky and well past my prime? Oof, THAT hits a bit too close to home. Forget it, I’m out, just have Idris vanish me already.
IDRIS ELBA
Don’t mind if I do!
(vanishes Ian)
LAURIE DAVIDSON
All right then, let’s just skip ahead to our next contestant, Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
The FUCK did you just say?
LAURIE DAVIDSON
(to the tune of "Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat")
We-
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
NO. SHUT UP. FUCK OFF. I’ve put up with a LOT of idiotic fucking names and lame characters and precious cutesy lyrics in this movie, but I draw the line at watching you guys sing about something called SKIMBLESHANKS THE FUCKING RAILWAY CAT. I mean, WHAT. The FUCK. Is a RAILWAY CAT.
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Okay, geez, Idris can just zap him gone too I guess.
IDRIS ELBA
(vanishes Skimbleshanks)
This is sure saving us some time!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Sure is! In fact, maybe we can just keep skipping ALL the songs at this rate! Idris can just keep teleporting away all the contestants and we can be out of here in five minutes. What do you say, Idris?
IDRIS ELBA
The next contestant is me.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Damnit! Oh well, at least this song isn’t going to be performed by another annoying overexposed celebrity.
IDRIS ELBA
And to sing my song for me, here’s Taylor Swift!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
FUUUUCK
TAYLOR SWIFT
(to the tune of "Macavity")
Well Idris Elba’s meant to be
The Oscar-worthy type
Prestigious and respectable
According to the hype
They act like his integrity
Is high beyond compare
But if you check IMDb
The meaty roles aren’t there!
Pacific Rim, Prometheus
Dark Tower, Ghost Rider 2
These are the kind of projects
That he seems to like to do
All sci-fi villains, Disney voices
Superhero fare
Except a couple TV shows
The quality’s not there!
IDRIS ELBA
Ta-da! And here I am to accept the prize by default!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
(shielding eyes)
Oh GOD! What happened to the hat and coat you’ve been wearing all movie? You’re NAKED!
IDRIS ELBA
Well of course I’m naked. I’m a cat. We’re all naked.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
(looks down at self)
...I... I’m suddenly very aware of that fact...
(looks around at entire cast)
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
IDRIS ELBA
Yes well anyway, I just blatantly cheated at this competition and then had somebody else sing about what an asshole I am. That means I win, yes?
JUDI DENCH
God no! It’s very unclear by what arbitrary criteria I declare a winner of this thing, but that sure as shit ain’t it.
IDRIS ELBA
FINE! In that case I’ll teleport YOU away and then KILL YOU if you don’t give me the prize! Probably would have been a lot quicker to just do that in the first place.
He DISAPPEARS along with JUDI.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Oh no! Hey Laurie, can you bring her back? You do magic, right? That’s your little gimmick?
LAURIE HAYWARD
Erm, I’m a stage magician. You know, sawing women in half? Pulling rabbits out of hats? It’s a different thing from a wizard. Did you not know that?
(brightens)
Ooh, but this is a lame movie. Sometimes in lame movies you can grow magic powers if you just Believe In Yourself. Quick Francesca, everybody, sing my annoying thirty-second jingle at me so I can get confident!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
What if that doesn’t work, though?
LAURIE HAYWARD
Then just do it again! And again, and again! Each time acting like it’s a whole inspired new idea somehow, even though you’re just chanting the one cheesy song over and over and over for like five minutes of screentime, until it’s stuck in the audience’s head forever and they want to take a power drill to their skulls to dig it out!
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
(sighs)
Worth a shot, I suppose.
(to the tune of “Mister Mistoffelees”)
This song gets grating, irritating
We’re just waiting for this scene to end
Can you stop it, please?
This song gets grating, irritating
We’re just waiting for this scene to end
Can you stop it, please?
This song gets grating, irritating
We’re just waiting for this scene to end
Can you stop it, please?
(repeat 1000x)
This FAILS, then FAILS, then FAILS, then FAILS, and just when it seems to have FAILED for the ONE BILLIONTH TIME...
JUDI DENCH
Yoohoo! Here I am behind you, I reappeared where you couldn’t see me! I choose to believe that this thing worked on the first try and I’ve just been sitting back here laughing at you.
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Hooray! And hey, by miraculously pulling magical powers out of my ass and saving your life, maybe I’ve proven that I should be the jellicle choice!
JUDI DENCH
No, for some reason that thought never seems to even occur to me. I guess I’ll have to pick one of the other contestants... should I pick the fat one? The lazy one? The criminal one who tried to murder me? Sheesh, I might have to give it to that railway guy for lack of better options.
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
No, hang on! Lemme just grab some homeless cat off the street outside and you can choose them instead.
(leaves, returns with Jennifer Hudson)
See, remember her? She had like a scene and a half of screentime already, which makes her just about the most developed character in the whole damn movie! Come on, Jennifer, sing something. And please please PLEASE let it be "Memory", we all know that while that song hasn’t played yet the movie still has to keep going...
JENNIFER HUDSON
Don’t worry, I’ll put us all out of our misery.
(to the tune of "Memory")
End, please!
I’m so done with this bullshite!
Let’s all leave and then never
Watch this garbage again!
It’s been baffling, an ugly, weird, unwatchable mess
Let the movie fucking end!
JUDI DENCH
Hmmm, well that was a generic ballad which could have come from pretty much any musical, and you lose a lot of points for all the gross snotty crying. But it still was basically the highlight of the movie, so screw it, you win the prize!
JENNIFER HUDSON
YAAYYYY!!
JUDI DENCH
Which apparently consists of being shoved into a hot air balloon and floated off in a random direction! Congrats!
JENNIFER HUDSON
BOOOOOO
(spaced)
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
That’s it! It’s over! Where’s the nearest exit, I gotta get the fuck out of here-
LAURIE DAVIDSON
Not yet, first there’s this new song we’ve added in that Taylor wrote with Andrew Lloyd Webber about-
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
PLEEEAAASE NOOOO. JUST LET ME OUT OF HERE. It’s, I, I just, this movie has been so confusing, and vague, and weird, and creepy, and empty of anything resembling recognizable logic or behaviour, it’s been an assault on my very grasp on reality! I-I-I’m holding onto my sanity by the slenderest thread man, just let me go let me go LET ME GO!!!
JUDI DENCH
But before the movie ends I need to sit down and directly talk to the audience for several minutes about such sensible concepts as "cats are not dogs" and-
FRANCESCA HAYWARD
(snaps)
Heh heh heh ha ha ha ha HEE HEE HO HO HOOOO HA HAAAAAA
(tears out own fur in clumps)
jellicle jellicle jellicle
(sprints wildly towards the horizon, baying at the moon)
JUDI DENCH
(smiles)
She truly is a jellicle cat.
(pause)
Oh by the way, "jellicle" means "incoherent", if that clears anything up.
END.