FADE IN:

EXT. FAKE SHADOW PUPPET THEATER

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

Once there was a peacock called Gary Oldman, who was told by a soothsayer that he'd be killed by a black-and-white warrior. So he went and murdered all the pandas, but for some reason didn't bother with the zebras, skunks, badgers, penguins, magpies, border collies-

CGI JACK BLACK

Listen, we've got like five bajillion fight scenes scheduled for the next ninety minutes, so...

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

Right, anyway, a baby panda survived, it was CGI Jack Black, and now you have all the information you need to correctly predict the entire rest of the movie. Try and act surprised.

EXT. SUPER-MYSTICAL GLADE

CGI JACK BLACK

I'm so happy and contented, as befits somebody who already had a complete character arc and resolved all their emotional baggage. So, what are we up to?

CGI DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Today you begin your quest for inner peace.

CGI JACK BLACK

Inner peace? Didn't I already achieve that in the first movie?

CGI DUSTIN HOFFMAN

NO! That time you achieved, I don't know, some other kind of bullshit quasi-Eastern enlightenment. This time you have to get inner peace.

CGI JACK BLACK

So redoing my character development from the first movie, gotcha. At least inner peace should be easy, as by my very nature I'm a simple, uncomplicated-

CGI DANNY MCBRIDE

WHOOOO WANTS PARENTAL ABANDONMENT TRAUMA?

Wolves attack! CGI Jack Black assembles CGI ANGELINA JOLIE, CGI SETH ROGAN, CGI LUCY LIU, CGI DAVID CROSS and CGI JACKIE FUCKING CHAN to fight them.

CGI JACKIE CHAN

Sweet Jesus, I forgot how good this cast was! ...Er, do we actually have any lines this time?

CGI JACK BLACK

Angelina does.

CGI JACKIE CHAN

(nothing)

They FIGHT. CGI Jack Black is alternately BADASS and HILARIOUSLY KLUTZY.

SCREENWRITERS

We can totally have our cake and eat it too!

Suddenly Jack sees a symbol on CGI DANNY MCBRIDE'S clothes, causing a FLASHBACK briefly recapping the opening narration we heard like a minute ago.

CGI JACK BLACK

GAH! A vision of the last time I saw my real parents! They're running...from wolves...while their village burns...WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?!

In the confusion, the wolves escape.

Furious Five Scorecard: 0/1

EXT. FURIOUS FIVE HEADQUARTERS

CGI DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Bad news, guys! A peacock called Gary Oldman just took over-

CGI ANGELINA JOLIE

I'm sorry, did you say a peacock?

CGI DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Yes. He invaded Gongmen City and took it over with his wolves and his newfangled GUNS! Firearms are evil, in a way that pummeling people to a bloody pulp with your fists clearly is not.

CGI ANGELINA JOLIE

A fucking PEACOCK?! That's the villain of this movie. A chicken-like bird known for its fancy tailfeathers.

CGI DUSTIN HOFFMAN

That's correct. Anyway, as this is a threat to the broad concept of kung-fu itself somehow, obviously I will be joining you on your journey-

Dustin Hoffman receives his PAYCHECK.

CGI DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Oh thank Christ. Seeya, suckers!

(leaves film)

CGI ANGELINA JOLIE

Last time we got to fight a SNOW LEOPARD. Played by Ian McShane. I mean, come on.

INT. THRONE ROOM

CGI GARY OLDMAN is demanding a fresh DEATH PREDICTION from CGI MICHELLE YEOH.

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

What's black and white and red all over?

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Um, a newspaper? A sunburnt nun?

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

A panda covered in your blood after killing you. OH SNAP!

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Grrr, you think you're so smart, well, you know what? You're just a stale retread of the "wise, mystical elder with the mischievous sense of humor" from the first movie!

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

Eh. That'll happen. This movie is pretty much the first one recycled.

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Not me! The first movie's villain was a big, angry brawler. I'm a skinny, cunning schemer.

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

Uh huh. What's your backstory, again?

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Why, I'm still bitter about a betrayal in my youth! Now I'm BACK, to claim what is rightfully mine by...force...

(pause)

Well, shit.

EXT. GONGMEN CITY

The GREATEST MARTIAL ARTS TEAM IN THE WORLD arrives in the city!

CGI JACK BLACK

So what's the plan?

CGI ANGELINA JOLIE

One: sneak over to the palace. Two: go into the palace. Three: win.

CGI JACK BLACK

See, that's the kind of strategic thinking you get from six people whose sole qualifications are "can punch dudes real good".

They fail at sneaking, so they have to fight. Then they fail at fighting, so they have to get captured.

Furious Five Scorecard: 0/2

INT. THRONE ROOM

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Ha! So this is the panda destined to kill me! How fat and pathetic! Mockity mock mock mock!

CGI JACK BLACK

Oh, here we go. Here's the part where you figure I'm so comically harmless that there's no need to kill me after all, only later-

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Now hold still while I blow you to smithereens with a cannonball to the face.

CGI JACK BLACK

...Okay, you win some points there. But what you don't realise is that CGI Seth Rogen got out of his cage!

CGI Seth Rogen helps the others escape and they all fight.

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Got out of his cage HOW?!

CGI JACK BLACK

See, there's a decoy him in the cage now.

CGI GARY OLDMAN

THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER!

Suddenly, however, Jack notices the pattern on Gary's feathers, intitiating another FLASHBACK CRISIS.

CGI JACK BLACK

You! You're involved with those wolves from my flashback? The ones who are your private army, a fact we've known all along? I did not see this coming!

Gary flies away to a nearby BUILDING FULL OF CANNONS.

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Good thing I already had all these loaded cannons pointed at my own palace for some reason. FIRE!

CGI JACK BLACK

RUN AWAY!

They flee.

Furious Five Scorecard: 0/3

CGI ANGELINA JOLIE

Okay, new plan: bomb the building full of cannons. Because while shooting people is unnatural and evil, blowing up buildings is obviously fine. Jack, you sit this one out.

CGI JACK BLACK

Aw. Because my brief moments of distraction keep making us lose?

CGI ANGELINA JOLIE

That, sure, but mostly the first movie's script says that now we're meant to have no confidence in you, fight the bad guy on our own, and get captured.

They go to BLOW UP GARY, but Jack shows up and ruins everything.

CGI JACK BLACK

Sorry folks, but Gary is the only one I can ask about my parents!

CGI GARY OLDMAN

You mean except for CGI Michelle Yeoh. Who made it clear that she knew as much as me.

CGI JACK BLACK

But then I wouldn't have an emotional low point!

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Fine. Your parents saw Gulliver's Travels and abandoned your ass.

CGI JACK BLACK

Abandoned? I totally believe that could be true, even though it doesn't correspond with my flashbacks at all and I have absolutely no reason to trust you!

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Even less now that I'm going to KUNG-FU YOU TO DEATH!

CGI JACK BLACK

Seriously? What're you going to do, slash at me with your deadly feathers?

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Oh sure, it sounds stupid if you say it like THAT.

There is YET ANOTHER FIGHT. CGI Jack Black is the only one who escapes uncaptured.

Furious Five Scorecard: 0/4

EXT. RIVER OF INTROSPECTION

Jack randomly runs into CGI Michelle Yeoh.

CGI JACK BLACK

Well this is convenient. I guess now you could tell me about my parents.

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

I could. But instead I'm going to tell you to try and remember stuff from when you were like eight months old.

CGI JACK BLACK

Fine, we can pretend that's possible.

(meditates for five seconds)

Oh, now I remember! My parents were murdered in cold blood. Now I've got inner peace!

CGI MICHELLE YEOH

...That's your reaction? Peace? Not, say, righteous anger? Over your parents' murder?

CGI JACK BLACK

Nah, I'm cool.

EXT. SOMEWHAT LESS INTROSPECTIVE RIVER FULL OF GUNSHIPS

Jack attacks Gary's fleet, freeing the Furious Five who have been allowed to live for NO APPARENT REASON.

CGI ANGELINA JOLIE

Okay, all we have to do is stop the boats from reaching open water!

The boats REACH OPEN WATER.

Furious Five Scorecard: 0/5

(These Guys Kind of Suck)

CGI JACK BLACK

Only one thing left to do. Prepare to set the movie to MAXIMUM RIDICULOUSNESS.

He goes and stands on a rock.

CGI GARY OLDMAN

Hm. We could go around him, and win. On the other hand, SHOOT HIM!

The boats start firing on Jack, who uses his INNER PEACE MUMBO-JUMBO to fling the cannonballs back. Some hit the boats in random places, others just splash down in the water.

CGI JACK BLACK

I CLEARLY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE TRAJECTORY OF THESE THINGS! INNOCENT BYSTANDERS, PLEASE BEWARE MY WILDLY-FLYING BALLS OF DEATH!

Eventually he sinks Gary's boat.

CGI JACK BLACK

Okay, in the first movie I offered the bad guy a chance at redemption, and he refused, so...want redemption?

CGI GARY OLDMAN

I REFUSE!

Gary DIES. Everyone has a big GROUP HUG.

CGI JACK BLACK

Everything's back the way it was at the start! Boy, what a superfluous movie. I just hope that Dreamworks has the restraint not to-

CGI FRED TATASCIORE

Hey look everyone, I'm Jack's dad and I'm still alive! SEQUEL HOOK!

CGI JACK BLACK

Oh for crying out loud.

(UNFORTUNATELY NOT REALLY THE) END