FADE IN:

INT. SOMEWHERE DOWN UNDAH' - THE '90S

YOUNG REBEL WILSON watches PRETTY WOMAN with her mother, JENNIFER SAUNDERS.

YOUNG REBEL WILSON

Mummy, do you find it odd that the title of our movie is a question with no question mark?

JENNIFER SAUNDERS

(drinking boxed wine from the tap)

Listen 'ere you little cunt, our movie is a romantic comedy, and you shouldn't watch romantic comedies because girls like us don't get happy endings.

YOUNG REBEL WILSON

What a load of bullocks and a horrible thing to say to your child. Are you just mad that you're completely underutilized in this movie?

JENNIFER SAUNDERS

Ah bugger off, ya little fuckstick! If you need me I'll probably be on the ole' booze bus again. Have fun growing up!

EXT. NEW YORK - 2019

REBEL WILSON grows up to be a successful ARCHITECT despite being a DOOR MAT to her coworkers. She meets her friends BETTY GILPEN and ADAM DEVINE.

REBEL WILSON

Welp, I've made it from the small town of Wombatsville, Australia to New York City, and I'm somehow still miserable. Let me shit on Betty for liking romantic comedies HAHA OH MY GOD WHAT LOSER WATCHES THOSE???

BETTY GILPIN

First off, let's ignore the fact that I'm watching a movie while at work. Second, it sounds like you're still carrying trauma from your alcoholic mother. A good six to twelve months of therapy might help.

ADAM DEVINE

Hey Rebel, let me show my obvious feelings of love I have for you!

REBEL WILSON

No, I see what's going on! It LOOKS like you're gazing adorably at me but I KNOW you're looking at the swimsuit model on the billboard outside my window!

ADAM DEVINE

That's a pretty cliche, rom-com way of thinking. Kinda seems like something Betty might believe and not someone who stopped believing in rom-coms a long time ago.

REBEL WILSON

Anyway, time for the high-concept magical whammy that will change my life and teach me a lesson!

REBEL goes on a THREE HOUR RANT to BETTY about all the STUPID TROPES in rom-coms that she claims to HATE.

BETTY GILPIN

Imagine spending this much time insulting your friend for something she likes. Seriously, please go to therapy.

Then, on her way home, REBEL gets ATTACKED in an awkward MUGGING SEQUENCE, then hits her head on a metal beam and passes out. She wakes up to find that she's living a in romantic comedy!

REBEL WILSON

The cute doctor flirted with me? New York smells like flowers instead of garbage? My rich asshole client Liam Hemsworth is romantically interested in me?

(beat)

This is all awful!!!!!!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(extremely high pitched)

Hello beautiFUL? I must have YOU? Here's my number written on flower petALS? Did my accent just get weirDER??

This is UNCLEAR. REBEL goes home to her apartment which is THREE TIMES AS BIG as it was before.

BRANDON SCOTT JONES

And surprise! Your dirtbag neighbor is actually your sassy, gay best friend!

REBEL WILSON

You've got to help me! I've had a magical, life altering moment, like in What Women Want!

BRANDON SCOTT JONES

Okay, but in What Women Want Mel Gibson was a misogynist who gained access to women's thoughts after being electrocuted while wearing women's products. It was dumb as hell but at least it made sense for the character. What does you being mugged and concussed in the subway have to do with anything?

REBEL WILSON

I think it was supposed to be some sort of meet cute gone bad but I'm not sure. OH NO! I have every color shoe and designer purse in my huge closet! I must call the police!

BRANDON SCOTT JONES

Bitch, THESE. ARE. NOT. PROBLEMS! At least Mel Gibson was disturbed by the voices in his head. Who cares why this is all happening, just enjoy it!

REBEL WILSON

No, this is horrible. JUST HORRIBLE!!!!

BRANDON SCOTT JONES

Jesus Christ, I'm going to have to chug 15 cosmos in preparation of being your friend. But mostly because you made me defend What Women Want.

EXT. NEW YORK

REBEL goes to work and sees that BETTY has been BITCH-IFIED.

BITCHY GILPIN

You're a cunt bitch whore fuckface. Also, everyone hated The Hustle.

REBEL WILSON

Dang, that's low. Oh, I get it. In rom-coms, women who work together are in sworn enemies!

BITCHY GILPIN

Ummm... is that a trope? I mean, I guess the evil woman character exists, but they're not necessarily co-workers. And they're usually in movies where the romance is facilitated by children, i.e. The Parent Trap or It Takes Two.

REBEL WILSON

Well, regardless, maybe we could try to out-bitch each other like in Monster in Law!

BITCHY GILPIN

HAHA, like there's an actual story between us? You and I virtually have no dialogue beyond this. Why we even brought in this alt character is beyond me.

REBEL complains some more but eventually gives up and tries to sleep with LIAM like she SHOULD HAVE BEFORE.

REBEL WILSON

Well I keep TRYING but it just cuts to us waking up the next morning every time!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Yeah, this is pretty much the only funny or creative thing we've come up with in this entire movie.

REBEL WILSON

Oh well, guess I'll continue to walk down the street with choreographed dancers and fountains bursting behind me! Because that's what happens in rom-coms!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Sounds like a rip off of 500 Days of Summer but whatevs, go ahead.

EXT. SOME MANSION

REBEL finds herself at a huge party thrown by PRIYANKA CHOPRA.

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

That's right, I'm the swimsuit model from the billboard outside your window, and I'm dating Adam!

ADAM DEVINE

Yeah, but I still love Rebel. And why wouldn't I? I'm the only person who the magical bullshit hasn't changed for some reason.

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

And surprise, we're engaged!

REBEL WILSON

Adam is engaged? Oh no, it's at this moment in time...I suddenly realize...

(dramatic pause)

I'm in love with Adam!

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

Ah okay, I see we are poking fun at tropes and then continuing to play them straight. Love it.

EXT. THE NEXT DAY - COMA/DREAM WORLD - AND NOT EVEN A FUN ONE LIKE IN GREASE OR ROMY AND MICHELLE'S

REBEL talks to BRANDON.

REBEL WILSON

What am I going to do? Liam turned out to be a douchebag who's stealing my architectural ideas. And now I have to win Adam back!

BRANDON SCOTT JONES

God, I am so bored. Couldn't we do something creative with this movie? Like make it a horror movie with rom com cliches? Or a rom com with horror movie cliches? You could still even call it "Isn't It Romantic." Wouldn't that be fun?

REBEL WILSON

How has Adam not fallen in love with me yet? We just had an extravagant kareoke scene!

BRANDON SCOTT JONES

Omg, you loved working on Pitch Perfect, we get it.

REBEL WILSON

C'mon Brandon, I need some wisdom from my gay friend support system. Tell me something like, "everyone is chasing someone but no one is chasing you." I'll even take "and none for Gretchin Weiners, bye."

(pause)

I know! I'll stop the wedding while running in slow motion! Can you think of a more cliche rom-com trope than that?

BRANDON SCOTT JONES

Um, yes actually. Confessing your love in the pouring rain. IS THAT NOT THE MOST OBVIOUS THING?

REBEL interrupts ADAM and PRIYANKA'S wedding.

ADAM DEVINE

Oh wow, you running in slow motion to stop my wedding must mean you've got something important to say.

REBEL WILSON

Yes, I'm here to tell you that I've come to a realization.

(dramatic pause)

I've realized... that I love...

(yet another dramatic pause)

...myself!

ADAM DEVINE

Wow, groundbreaking.

PRIYANKA CHOPRA

I feel like this movie ate paint chips as a kid.

With her new found CONFIDENCE she steals a car then CRASHES IT, undoing the MAGICAL BULLSHIT somehow.

INT. OFFICE

Back in the real world, she makes her BIG PRESENTATION where she designs a PARKING GARAGE that has nothing to do with the plot at all.

ASSHOLE LIAM HEMSWORTH

But there really wasn't much of a story anyway, so I guess it fits? Like seriously, ever hear of a B plot?

REBEL WILSON

Adam, you need to stop looking at the swimsuit model behind me. You're living in a fantasy.

ADAM DEVINE

NO I'M NOT. I've always been staring at you. YOU are the one living in a fantasy even when you were in the real world. Also, I guess I've suddenly gotten the confidence to tell you my feelings? Whatever, Bumper and Amy are together again.

DIRTBAG BRANDON SCOTT JONES

And here I thought that Rebel would be the one to ask Adam out, what with her new found confidence and all.

BETTY GILPIN

Eh, who knows? But hey, the girl gets the guy, which means the story can end because that's always the main goal. See, Rebel? Your life is a romantic comedy after all!

REBEL WILSON

Yikes, guess we learned nothing. Let's brush past all that for another pointless, impeccably choreographed musical number!

They all sing EXPRESS YOURSELF and everyone goes back to their coma/dream characters even though she's not in the coma/dream world anymore.

END