"For the last time, I'm not an Oscar! Stop taking me to Meryl!"


"For the last time, I'm not an Oscar! Stop taking me to Meryl!"

MARY POPPINS RETURNS

The Abridged Script

EXT. JOLLY OLD LONDON, POST-KAISER AND PRE-NAZIS

GREAT APOLLO casts a BOLT OF CREATIVE MAGIC from his GILDED BOW, striking a CLAY EMBANKMENT upon the RIVER THAMES which is hewn into the living form of BROADWAY GOD LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA. He begins BICYCLING his way around the TOWN, tending to the LAMPS.

LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA

(singing)

Welcome to ol’ London town,

A wholesome, lovely place!

But with less air pollution

And more cast of every race!

Come join me on my bicycle,

The morning clock strikes past-four,

As I lighten up the streets within

This sequel no one asked for!

Cor, look! The old sea captain!

Remember him, I do!

My nostalgia-blinded inner child

Hopes you’ll clap for him too!

So cynics, leave it at the door,

Don’t be a useless bummer!

This sequel’s less “Jaws: The Revenge”

And more the new Blade Runner!

Can musicals survive against

Those Marvel hero flicks?

Who cares! We own those too you know!

It’s synergy, you dicks!

LIN goes down to CHERRY TREE LANE and sees the BANKS CHILDREN, who have now grown into RESPECTED ADULT ACTORS. But more importantly, LOOK THE HOUSE LOOKS JUST LIKE IT DID WHEN YOU WERE A KID YAAAY NO ONE EVER HAS TO GROW UP!

BEN WISHAW

Honey, I’m ho-ome!

(pause)

Oh, that’s right. My wife’s off on a farm upstate with Mufasa, Tadashi, Bambi’s mother, and Stan Lee. Well, hopefully my three young children can brighten my day!

PIXIE DAVIES

Father! We are ever so glad you’ve arrived home from your soul-crushing adult job at THE BANK.

NATHANEAL SALEH

You’re just in time to see us be all adorably responsible, you are!

JOEL DAWSON

Our mother is dead, but our love for you carries on.

BEN WISHAW

Excellent. So we’re still a loving family and we’ve all mostly processed our loss? Umm. Looks like this movie wrapped up early.

But then the SINK EXPLODES, the LIGHTS FLICKER, and HOUSEKEEPER JULIE WALTERS comes stumbling out clutching a dead WEASLEY TWIN.

JULIE WALTERS

Cor blimey, we’s in a right pickle, we is!

CHILDREN

Precocious Child Powers, Activate!

The children do an ADORABLE JOB cleaning up the HOUSE as aunt EMILY MORTIMER comes through the front door.

EMILY MORTIMER

Hello, Ben. Hate to add to your woes, but sadly, it looks like THE BANK is going to foreclose on us. If we can’t find some papers by week’s end, they’ll take the house.

BEN WISHAW

Goodness, no! Do you have any idea how many Special Features we had to pick through to get this place looking accurate?! I’ll head upstairs to my Room of Sadness to look for the papers.

He searches and searches but finds only CAST-OFFS from his FORGOTTEN CHILDHOOD, such as his KITE, which he tosses out the WINDOW without a thought. But it is buoyed by a wave of SHEER IMAGINATIVE OPTIMISM all the way up into the SKY, where it DECKS FLYING NANNY EMILY BLUNT right in the FACE.

EMILY BLUNT

(descending to earth)

Do please watch where you cast off your symbols of innocence, dear boy.

BEN WISHAW

Good lord! Mary Poppins! You’re back!

EMILY MORTIMER

And somehow even sexier than before! LOVELIER! I meant lovelier!

EMILY BLUNT

Yes, I’ve been languishing in Development Hell for some time now, but I’ve decided this is the perfect moment to see how my old charges have grown. Let’s see. Ben, you’re a failed artist and widower and Emily’s an unemployed social justice protester. How utterly millennial you’ve both become.

EMILY MORTIMER

Is… is that a compliment? I can never tell under that Resting Nanny Face.

EMILY BLUNT

It doesn’t matter. I’m here to raise your children for you while you get your lives back together. Go on, then. Go to.

BEN and EMILY begin searching for the DOCUMENTS while OTHER EMILY goes upstairs to WATERBOARD THE CHILDREN to a WHIMSICAL SONG about HOW GREAT BATHS ARE.

INT. THE BANK!

BEN and EMILY go to THE BANK to argue their case with the EXECUTIVE OF RUINED DREAMS, COLIN FIRTH.

COLIN FIRTH

My my, the Banks children. I remember when you were small enough to work my sulfur mines. And I see Ben there has been clerking for us under my nose for some time! You should have said something, Ben, I would have brought you up to the office for a few spoons of blue whale caviar and a snifter of panda tears.

BEN WISHAW

Actually, sir, we’d just like a spot of good old English favoritism right now. You see, our house is being foreclosed upon and I’d very much like an extension until we can find the magic papers.

COLIN FIRTH

Of course! Let me just check literally one page in my huge Tome of Probable Foreclosures here and… oh drat, it looks like we have no record of your father’s shares.

EMILY MORTIMER

That’s impossible! Being fastidious about his finances was literally father’s only character trait!

COLIN FIRTH

(emptying a cabinet marked “Banks Childrens’ Future” into the fireplace)

Yes, it’s quite the pisser, this is. Tell you what. I’ll give you until midnight Friday to secure the lost documents. That should be plenty of time to get your hopes up I MEAN get your affairs in order. Now, are you certain you won’t join me for some jellied orphan? It’s marvelous with Wheat Thins.

EMILY MORTIMER

Are you supposed to be a twist villain? You’re telegraphing it a bit hard.

COLIN FIRTH

(spit-roasting an endangered eagle while buying shares in Facebook)

The Hitlerstache wasn’t clear enough?

INT. CHILDREN’S BEDROOM

The KIDDLYWINKS gather round to see if they can find a way to help their PARENTS out of their FINANCIAL CRISIS.

PIXIE DAVIES

Blimey, we can’t lose the house just after losing our mother!

NATHANEAL SALEH

That’s a bit too much trauma all at once, that is!

JOEL DAWSON

Wait a tic! Mother left a fancy bowl on our mantlepiece! We could sell it, we could!

PIXIE DAVIES

Righto! Lucky for us we didn’t break it ever. Fine china in a children’s play room is a recipe for-

She DROPS the BOWL.

LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA

Hello, kids! I was just staring in your window like a serial killer and I noticed you broke your prized bowl, there! Maybe me and Emily could be of assistance.

EMILY BLUNT

Yes, it’s nice to see the new generation is just as useless as the last. Alright, little ones, we’re going on a field trip!

EMILY summons DARK SPIRITS from beyond the VEIL OF SANITY to welcome them all into the land of TRADITIONAL DISNEY HAND-DRAWN ANIMATION!

PIXIE DAVIES

Oh, look! It’s ever so flat and colorful! Everyone my age grew up on CGI, but I’m certain my parents will find this quite charming!

EMILY BLUNT

Yes, I suppose it’s a bit dated. But certainly you children would love a good sing-a-long!

NATHANEAL SALEH

Um, maybe? The last original Disney musical was Moana and that underperformed, it did. And Frozen shat the bed on Broadway.

EMILY BLUNT

TOO BAD! WE’RE SINGING!

EMILY blows daintily into a PITCH PIPE while the children COWER in their HAND-ANIMATED CARRIAGE.

EMILY BLUNT

Now Disney’s in a bind, you see,

Despite owning the world,

The brand that carried us this far,

Has slowly come unfurled.

Joyful, pleasant fairy tales,

Of love that’s quite romantic,

Can’t stand against these online trolls

Who worship what’s pedantic.

They say it all has subtext now,

Maleficent’s a victim,

Christopher Robin is schizophrenic,

And Belle has Stockholm syndrome.

So what’s our studio to do?

Change formula? Evolve?

Pish-posh! You’ll watch the same old tat!

If Lin-Manuel’s involved!

Live action is the cure for this

Creative losing streak!

Our shit can’t be outdated

With our tongues lodged in our cheeks!

So prepare yourself for songs galore!

Before the plot gets hairy.

There’s nothing moviegoers love

Like meta-commentary!

EMILY and LIN take the kids to an ANIMATED MUSIC HALL where EMILY shoots a look at the CAMERA that honestly makes you wonder if she’s about to start STRIPPING. Instead, they perform a song about STRANGER DANGER for some reason! Meanwhile, JOEL spies some NEFARIOUS CHARACTERS sneaking around outside.

ANIMATED WOLF COLIN FIRTH

Helloooo, my boy. Care to step help me move this couch into my carriage?

JOEL DAWSON

I don’t think so, Mr. Wolf. I just heard half a song about not trusting strangers, I did!

ANIMATED WOLF COLIN FIRTH

But I’m a wolf, boy. By your logic, you can’t just assume I’m going to eat you!

JOEL DAWSON

That’s a good point, that is. I’ll just go ahead and sit in your cage, then.

WOLF COLIN kidnaps him!

JOEL DAWSON

Blimey! I should’ve judged him a bit more, I should!

But then EMILY and the GANG come riding after him! The chase sequence is SUPER CUTE even though its COMPLETELY UNCLEAR what the STAKES ARE because ISN’T THIS IMAGINARY? DID THE KIDS JUST HAVE TOO MUCH LAUDENUM BEFORE BED?

Anyway, the CHASE ENDS when their CARRIAGE goes FLYING OFF INTO SPACE!

EMILY BLUNT

Children! Children! Wake up! You’re terror-peeing absolutely EVERYWHERE!

PIXIE DAVIES

But it was real, Emily! We saw Lin-Manuel do a little children’s rap about story books!

NATHANEAL SALEH

It were amazing, like everything he does!

EMILY BLUNT

Silly children. You’re just using creative visual metaphors to make sense of your recent traumas.

PIXIE DAVIES

But we ain’t never met Colin Firth! Why’s he represented in our collective wolf dream?

EMILY BLUNT

Because shut up or I’m taking away the laudanum.

The children settle into a STRUNG OUT STUPOR while EMILY serenades them like the ANGEL SHE IS.

EXT. LONDON STREETS

Having decided to SOLVE all of the CHILDREN’S PROBLEMS FOR THEM, EMILY takes them to visit her COUSIN who can fix their BOWL.

NATHANEAL SALEH

Blimey, Emily! You have a cousin?!

JOEL DAWSON

Is this setting up a cinematic universe?

EMILY BLUNT

Not until the checks clear. Now behave yourselves for my cousin, she’s only in this one scene and we need to make the most of it.

They enter the MYSTERIOUS WORKSHOP, which is TURNED UPSIDE DOWN and ABSOLUTELY LITTERED with FILM AWARDS. The children wade into a mire of OSCARS and GOLDEN GLOBES to discover EASTERN EUROPEAN MERYL STREEP lying among the piles.

MERYL STREEP

Hello, children. I am New Poppins Lady. Enjoy my accent, it is on loan from Sophie’s Choice.

EMILY BLUNT

Greetings, Meryl. The children seem to have broken a bowl. Rather than finding some glue, I decided to walk them down here to skid row so you can do it.

MERYL STREEP

Ah, but Emily, I cannot fix this thing. For you see… it is my time of the month!

(pause)

Where magical bullshit flips my house upside down, oy vey, what did you think I meant?

JOEL DAWSON

But how do that stop you from fixing a bowl-

MERYL STREEP

MY HOUSE IS FLIPPED, SING ME BACK TO SANITY!

The CHILDREN get out their SONGBOOKS while MERYL blows into a SAG AWARD she has remodeled into a PITCH PIPE.

MERYL STREEP

(singing in bad Russian accent)

It’s hard to be so wonderful,

At everything I try.

I cannot take vacations

When award season rolls by.

I need a good distraction,

A silly little part,

And Disney knows I win awards

With each and every fart.

So enjoy my goofy faces and

My Bonham Carter hair,

While I burn some precious screentime

Before your bowl’s repair.

Get ready for more cameos

To bounce right off the walls!

Julie Andrews was the only one

To not return our calls!

PIXIE DAVIES

Cor, Meryl, I’ve an idea, I have! Why don’t you just get over it?

NATHANEAL SALEH

Yeah, having an topsy-turvy house don’t really affect your ability to fix things, do it?

JOEL DAWSON

None of this mattered, no sir!

MERYL STREEP

You are right, children. Thank you for your non-solution to my non-problem. I will fix bowl now.

The CHILDREN leave their PRECIOUS FAMILY HEIRLOOM with an INSANE STRANGER.

INT. THE BANK!

The CHILDREN and EMILY go to THE BANK to give BEN his BRIEFCASE back, because he FORGOT IT because he is an IDIOT.

EMILY BLUNT

Alright children, I’m going to stand in line and let you all wander around this huge building full of strangers like the good caretaker I am. Absolutely no sneaking around and discovering life lessons while my back is turned.

CHILDREN

Activate stealth mode!

The CHILDREN immediately decide to sneak into COLIN’s OFFICE to BEG for their HOUSE BACK. Upon peering in the DOOR, they see-

JOEL DAWSON

Cor! It’s the wolf-man from my kidnapping earlier! I’m having a PTSD flashback, I am!

PIXIE DAWSON

Stiff upper lip, Joel. Looks like we can hear him muttering to his cohorts about wanting to take our house regardless, we can!

NATHANEAL SALEH

He’s a right cockgobbler, he is!

COLIN FIRTH

Who’s that, there? Why it’s the Banks children’s children! Come on in, have some pangolin mash with baby seal gravy. I say, have any of you considered a career in sulfur mining?

The CHILDREN FLEE because COLIN’s going to MURDER THEM or SOMETHING? EMILY meets them outdoors.

PIXIE DAVIES

We’s gots to get home and warn papa about Colin’s machinations, we do!

NATHANEAL SALEH

Only it looks like we’ve become lost in a terrible fog, we have!

JOEL DAWSON

Not unlike this screenplay, it is!

PIXIE DAVIES

Emily, you think you could take us home?

EMILY BLUNT

Of course I could, I’m god-tier Smash OP. But I think it would be better for your development if we let Hamilton sing you on your way.

LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA

(descending from the rafters)

Oy, kids! How’sabout a ditty what tells you how to get home at night?

PIXIE DAVIES

Cor, Mr. Miranda, I think we had enough songs about banal children’s safety tips, we have.

LIN shoots AARON BURR. The CHILDREN settle in for more SINGING, having GROWN NUMB TO TERROR.

LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA

(singing)

If you ever find yourself,

Lost within a story,

The greatest way to save the day’s

With sing-song allegory!

Nothing buffs a running time

Like clever dance and song!

Who cares if it’s not necessary?

Clap and hum along!

We’ve got some beats we’ve got to hit,

From Mary Poppins One!

So get hype! Brace yourselves, because

The chimneysweeps have come!

Whoops! Did I say “chimneysweeps?” Oh crap.

They’re lamplighters, I meant!

They’re different from the chimneysweeps

With the same shit accents!

So join our jolly flash mob!

We’ll dance our way back home!

Ignore the BMX bikes,

The studio said we needed to be “more hip”, so yeah, we ride fucking BMX bikes everywhere, it’s bullshit.

The GANG arrives back home, where BEN’S ADULT RAGE causes all the whimsy to DISAPPEAR!

BEN WISHAW

I can’t believe you, Emily! Your antics have endangered my job at THE BANK! And now that we’ve made it explicit that all your magical nonsense is imaginary, where the hell did you take my kids?! Is Meryl actually a crack dealer that you traded my wife’s bowl to for some weed or something?!

(crying)

I can’t keep this up. My wife is dead, I’m losing my home, Bond 25 is going to be a shitshow. What’s the point of trying?

PIXIE DAVIES

Cor, papa’s in an awful state!

NATHANEAL SALEH

Looks like we finally got ourselves an interpersonal problem in this film that can’t be waved away with-

BEN WISHAW

Oh, it’s alright, kids. I love you. Come here.

BEN tousles their HAIR and EVERYTHING IS FINE AGAIN.

INT. HOUSE, NOW EMPTY

The BANKS FAMILY loads the truck with their BELONGINGS, preparing to say goodbye to their old HOME.

BEN WISHAW

Farewell, old abode. We had some good musical numbers, but it’s time to let old things go. And anyway, there’s no way we can find the missing paperwork before the clock strikes midnight in like ten sec-

EMILY MORTIMER

BEN! THE KITE! YOUR IDIOT SON USED THE PAPERWORK TO FIX THE HOLES IN THE FUCKING KITE!

BEN WISHAW

GODDAM JESUS CHRIST KIDS YOU DIDN’T HAVE A GODDAM SONG FOR THAT DID YOU?!

LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA

Blimey, Ben! You want me to use me lamplighter friends to clear the way so you can-

BEN WISHAW

YES YES FUCKING YES! SAVE THE OLD THINGS! SAVE THE OLD THINGS FOREVEEEERRRR!

LIN and LAMPLIGHTERS start BMX-ing their way to BIG BEN while the BANKS ADULTS go to THE BANK!

LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA

We gots to buy the fellows some more time, lads! Quickly! Let’s stack our ladders on top of each other so we can climb the exterior of Big Ben and set it back five minutes!

They DO THAT. But then EMILY just FLIES there and FIXES EVERYTHING ANYWAY because THIS MOVIE HAS ZERO STAKES EVER.

COLIN FIRTH

(glancing out his window)

Hmm. Looks like Big Ben is five minutes off. Luckily, I have all of these other watches and clocks set to the correct time throughout my office. Real pisser for the Banks folks that Big Ben isn’t the sole indicator of London time.

He begins signing the EVICTION NOTICE with a QUILL dipped in PUPPY BLOOD upon a PARCHMENT made of DOLPHIN SKIN, when BEN and EMILY’s KITE bursts in through the window and KNOCKS EVERYTHING OVER!

BEN WISHAW

Sorry we just assaulted you, boss. But I have the papers here!

EMILY MORTIMER

They’re horribly mangled, mostly unreadable, and ten minutes past deadline, but surely you can forgive all that!

COLIN FIRTH

Sadly, no. I’ve decided I need to screw your family over for literally no reason. So brace yourselves, as I-

But then DICK MOTHERFUCKING VAN MOTHERFUCKING DYKE bursts into the room!

DICK VAN DYKE

Did I smell a conflict out here? None of that in my bank! Get out, Colin! I may have finally aged into the 95-year old kook I played in the first film, but that doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass!

COLIN flees while DICK does a GENUINELY HEARTWARMING DANCE NUMBER that you should JUST TRY NOT TO CLAP TO seriously YOU CAN’T, HE’S FUCKING AMAZING.

EMILY MORTIMER

Thank you ever so much, Mr. Van Dyke. But I don’t suppose there’s any way you can legally forgive our debts. Colin’s right. We’ll simply have to bid goodbye to-

DICK VAN DYKE

Not so fast, Emily! For you see, wayyyy back in the first film, your father cruelly forbade you to spend tuppence to feed the birds and instead insisted you put it into the bank. Well guess what! It turns out, wise investing is actually a lot smarter than buying millet for some sky rats! You’re flush with cash and may keep your house!

BEN WISHAW

Blimey! It’s strange no one ever mentioned this! Thank you, Dick!

DICK VAN DYKE

Don’t thank me. Thank the combination of genetics and black magic that lets me do a grapevine shuffle at a century old.

EXT. PARK

Having succeeded in their quest to remain in UPPER-MIDDLE CLASS ENGLISH DECADENCE, the family decides to CELEBRATE with a stroll in the PARK.

PIXIE DAVIES

We sure learned a lot of valuable lessons, we did!

NATHANEAL SALEH

That’s basically ALL we did! This were like unto an episode of Sesame Street, it was!

JOEL DAWSON

We forgot about our bowl!

EMILY BLUNT

(rising into the air)

Yes, children. It looks like you have much more growing up to do. But I must be away. If you ever need me again, just look to the sky… and buy the merch, please, dear god please.

EMILY strolls past our final CAMEO, an EXTRAORDINARILY ELDERLY BALLOON SELLER played by ANGELA LANSBURY, as everyone seizes a balloon and begins FLOATING around!

ANGELA LANSBURY

(singing)

Come take a balloon, kids,

Full of childish glee!

We’re almost wrapped up here,

‘Til we crap out Part Three!

Our sequel is done now,

My-my! What a rave!

Who cares if PL Travers

Rotates in her grave?

Will it be five more decades,

‘Til Mary comes again?

Let’s ask the Box Office…

(googles it)

Yeah, check with me then…

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