FADE IN:

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE, ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- WAIT NOT GREENLAND? OH OKAY

Structural engineer GERARD BUTLER takes a break from work.

GERARD BUTLER

Always nice to pause and look at my lockscreen photo of my estranged wife and special needs child WELL SHIT GUESS A HUGE NATURAL DISASTER IS COMING, WE GOT THE CLASSIC SETUP THAT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DISASTER MOVIE NEEDS, RIGHT THE FUCK HERE

FELLOW WORKER

Hey boss why don't you leave early today, I can handle-

GERARD BUTLER

YEAH GUESS I'D FUCKING BETTER BEFORE THE BEEQUAKE OR GEOSTORM OR MECHA-VOLCANO OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IS COMING HITS US, GODDAMIT TO FUCK WE WERE GONNA LEARN MICE AND MYSTICS TONIGHT

(drives off)

INT. GERARD'S HOUSE

GERARD finds his wife MORENA BACCARIN at home doing her daily PAUL RUDD exercise regimen that allows her to stay THE SAME AGE FOREVER.

MORENA BACCARIN

I see it's time for another awkward custody exchange.

GERARD BUTLER

It is, though I have a feeling an unspecified global catastrophe might soon clear away all this awkwardness.

(grins)

MORENA BACCARIN

Oh is it some kind of space-time tsunami that erases the timeline where you fucked around on me? Or perhaps a dick-ripping-off tornado that focusses all its power solely on ripping off your dick?

ANNOUNCER

(on radio)

Actually it's a comet which is doing the closest flyby of any comet ever, even CLOSER than the one that caused Maximum Overdrive! Gosh we're sure all excited about this comet I tells ya.

NEWS ANCHOR

(on TV)

That's right, radio announcer! The comet's tail is longer than astronomers can see, a line we somehow deliver with a straight face! You heard right viewers, this comet stretches out past the limits of the observable universe.

NEWS CO-ANCHOR

(hand to ear)

And I've just been informed the comet has been upgraded from "near miss" to "gonna plow right the fuck into us" which, ha ha, should make for quite the light show! Now let's throw over to Dave for sports.

GERARD BUTLER

Hm, I better stock up on groceries.

GERARD goes to the grocery store and sees DOZENS OF MILITARY PLANES overhead as well as a CHUNK OF COMET and VARIOUS ANGELS AND DEMONS PREPARING FOR FINAL BATTLE.

GERARD BUTLER

...and maybe some extra toilet paper.

Suddenly his PHONE has an ALERT!

GERARD'S PHONE

ATTENTION THIS IS A PRESIDENTIAL ALERT, AND YES WE CAN ALL TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY AGAIN. ALL RUGGED FORMER A-LISTERS WITH ESTRANGED SPOUSES AND SPECIAL-NEEDS CHILDREN MUST EVACUATE TO YOUR DESIGNATED RECONCILIATION LOCATION, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

GERARD BUTLER

...Wait, that's me! Shit!

GERARD rushes home only to find a dozen or so friends have all piled into their living room to watch the news.

NEWS ANCHOR

Our top story: Florida man hit by 20-mile-wide fragment of comet. Special correspondent Nancy Gao has the details and oops she also got smooshed by comet. Let's check the weather!

GERARD BUTLER

Ah, that explains the massive shockwave as I arrived home. Thought maybe the neighbours were cranking the stereo again.

MORENA BACCARIN

Okay nobody panic. Remember we're all in this togeth-

TELEVISION

(cutting off broadcast for alert)

ATTENTION GERARD BUTLER FAMILY. YOU AND YOU ALONE HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO NOT DIE HORRIBLY IN FLAMES AND AGONY. COULD ONLY THOSE THREE PEOPLE PLEASE COME TO OUR SAFE HAVEN OF CHOCOLATE AND PUPPIES IMMEDIATELY, THE REST OF YOU MAY AS WELL BLOW EACH OTHER AND DO A PINT OF COCAINE, YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKED

(resumes)

MORENA BACCARIN

(pause)

More scones anyone?

GUEST

No thanks, we'd prefer to SHUFFLE OUT AWKWARDLY. I don't think THIS will be the choice of news-watching location ANYMORE, thank you VERY much. Have a nice SURVIVING A POTENTIAL EXTINCTION EVENT, you FUCKING SNOBS.

GERARD and MORENA quickly pack up their shit and their kid and DRIVE OFF!

EXT. MILITARY BASE

Outside the base a HUGE CROWD OF PEOPLE are trying to get inside!

SOLDIER

Please listen! If you've been selected you must show the QR square barcode thing on your phone, we'll scan it and issue you a special wristband. Only those people comfortable with using QR codes can be trusted with humanity's future! At the next checkpoint you'll be quizzed on popular music of the 2010s.

GERARD shows his code and they GET INSIDE YAY!

GERARD BUTLER

Even though they specifically instructed us to bring one bag each, we must now transfer everything into this single bag which I guess has the sponsors' logos on it or whatever. Wait a sec, where's Kid's insulin?!?

KID

Oh back on the highway I needed my blankie, so I unzipped by bag wide open and yanked it out. My life-saving medication must have fallen on the floor, and I didn't check for my life-saving medication when I repacked. Too bad neither of you checked we had my life-saving medication before leaving the car behind forever. On reflection, maybe my oversized cushy blankie was a waste of fucking space in my ONE BAG to begin with.

GERARD BUTLER

Well, oops. But we still have ten, maybe fifteen minutes before we're all supposed to take off, so I'll just fight my way back out through the crowd, back to our car, and back through the ever more panicked crowd, no problem! After all, I've got a WRISTBAND!

(leaves)

MORENA BACCARIN

I don't know about this plan... excuse me, random soldier? My husband had to go get our son's insulin so is it okay if we pause this giant emergency life-saving evacuation juuuust a bit until he gets back?

RANDOM SOLDIER

Insulin?! Our extensive records that carefully selected people with just the right abilities to rebuild society, didn't know anything about your family's medical history! We can't take anyone not 300% healthy so I'm afraid you are disqualified from being allowed to live.

MORENA BACCARIN

Oh, um, you thought I said 'insulin'? Ha ha no, I said 'Instagram'! We forgot our kid's, er, Instagram, in the car. He can't live without it, metaphorically!

This sadly does NOT WORK and MORENA and KID are thrown out of the BASE. Meanwhile GERARD waltzes back in just fine thanks to the power of WRISTBANDS!

GERARD BUTLER

Well that's just fucking great. I go get the INSULIN for my kid, now I have INSULIN but can't find my kid who needs INSULIN!

OTHER EVACUEE

(overhearing)

Huh? Buddy they don't accept anyone with medical issues! And before you ask why that information wasn't included in the wave of text alerts they sent out, I was told they just love dashing people's hopes.

GERARD BUTLER

Well that's some bullshit. I'm gonna get my wife and kid and we're gonna get on this plane and get out of-

ANGRY RIOTING CROWD

(bursting through barricades)

(firing guns everywhere)

ARGH FUCK YOU MILITARY DON'T SAVE THOSE ASSHOLES SAVE US! SHOOT ALL THE MILITARY UNTIL THEY AGREE TO HELP US INSTEAD! KEEP SHOOTING EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY THE PLANES AND FUEL TANKS AND OH SHIT

All the planes start EXPLODING!! GERARD escapes and makes it back to his CAR where he finds a note from MORENA.

MORENA'S NOTE

Gone to Dad's place! See you there if you didn't just get blown to bits.

GERARD BUTLER

(growls)

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

GERARD runs to a BUILDING and runs to the STAIRWELL and runs up to the ROOFTOP and frantically FINDS ENOUGH SIGNAL BARS and frantically CALLS MORENA.

GERARD BUTLER

MORENA CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ANSWER ME MORENA PLEASE ANSWER

MORENA BACCARIN

(on phone)

I'm going to Dad's place I said!

GERARD BUTLER

ARGH FUCK YOU STUPID PHONE

(smashes phone)

FINE, NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO I SHALL TAKE A WILD GUESS AND GO TO HER DAD'S PLACE

(leaps in slo-motion)

EXT. THE OPEN HIGHWAY

Meanwhile MORENA and the KID have managed to hitch a ride with DAVID DENMAN and HOPE DAVIS.

DAVID DENMAN

Sure is lucky we came across you two, I mean, I was just over on the other side of the ship fixing electrical wires! How about you honey?

HOPE DAVIS

I was downloading files in the Security room! We're totally crewmates. I vote to skip, we're all good with that? Vote to skip?

MORENA BACCARIN

(raising eyebrow)

Hmmmmmmm.

DAVID DENMAN

Anyhoo, I couldn't help but notice you both have the magic get-out-of-extinction-event-free wristbands! Y'know Hope, maybe we should-

HOPE DAVIS

-take their wristbands and ditch them?

DAVID DENMAN

Oh, I was thinking take Morena's wristband, and the kid, and bluff our way to safety with two wristbands for three people, while hoping the kid doesn't rat us out.

HOPE DAVIS

Now that's a WAY better plan! Okay Morena, out you go!

MORENA BACCARIN

NOOOO YOU CAN'T DO THIS

(David pulls over, stops car)

NOOOOOOOOO YOU MONSTER

(David gets out, slowly walks around car to Morena's unlocked door)

NOOOOO AIIIEEEE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(David stops to tie shoe)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT HAVE WE BECOOOOMMEEEE

(David pauses to have loooong sip of coffee)

AIIIEEEEE THERE IS NOOO ESCAAAAAPE FROM THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION

KID

(sits totally fucking motionless beside other unlocked passenger door with nobody guarding it, like holy shit kid you do realize your parents lead alien invasions and yell THIS IS SPARTA right?!?!???)

MORENA BACCARIN

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(David gradually removes her from car, takes her wristband, makes oil painting of the tableau)

OH GERARD I'M SORRYYYY WOOEEE ARE WEEEEEEEEE

(car drives away)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO thank GOD finally I'm done with that fucking useless kid. So then I fling myself off a cliff in despair right? I can go home?

DIRECTOR RIC ROMAN WAUGH

I'm sorry no, your contract stipulates you must keep giving a shit until the end of the movie.

MORENA BACCARIN

Dammit.

EXT. ON A DIFFERENT DESOLATE STRETCH OF HIGHWAY

Elsewhere GERARD has gotten in back of a TRUCK with a bunch of random folk.

ANDREW BACHELOR

Pleased to meet you! I'm playing 'Colin' and my interests include being driven in this truck to Osgoode, Canada, just south of Ottawa, to meet some pilots who'll take us to the evacuation bunker in Greenland! And you are?

GERARD BUTLER

Och laddie honestly I forget, I'm probably called Gruff Manpunch or something.

EXTREMELY ORNERY ASSHOLE

That's quite the accent you have, bud. Goes well with your... wristband.

GERARD BUTLER

Yes, thanks for noticing that every character I do now is explicitly born in Scotland so that I can tell the Accent Police to go fuck themselves. But this band won't do you any good unless you can convincingly pretend to be a structural engineer, so...

EXTREMELY ORNERY ASSHOLE

Well how 'bout MY FIST GONNA DO SOME COMPRESSIVE MEMBRANE ACTION ON YOUR STUPID FUCK FACE

(attacks)

GERARD BUTLER

Not bad!

(fights)

Everyone starts FIGHTING which throws the TRUCK off the road into a DITCH, where they CONTINUE FIGHTING and GERARD performs a HENDERSON-HASSELBALCH EQUATION to calculate the PH value of PLUNGING A HAMMER INTO THE ASSHOLE'S SKULL. In case you're wondering the answer is DEAD.

GERARD BUTLER

And the crash killed Andrew too! Don't worry buddy, I'll make sure your exposition dump lives on.

GERARD finds a random house, eats all the FOOD and takes the CAR, but leaves a note promising to bring it RIGHT BACK after THE GLOBAL APOCALYPSE so it's all good.

EXT. ANOTHER MILITARY STAGING AREA

Meanwhile MORENA has managed to hitch another lift but this time with NON-FUCKSTICKS, and reaches the STAGING AREA.

MORENA BACCARIN

Can anyone help me, I'm looking for my useless snot-nosed idiot child!

ARMY MEDIC

Allow me! A couple hours ago we voted out some asswipes trying to get through with not enough wristbands and an obviously terrified kid. The asswipes have of course been airlocked, but your child is... RIGHT HERE!

(dramatically opens medical tent)

Oh wait, wrong tent. Your child is... WITHIN!

(opens another tent)

No that's not it either. Why don't you look around and let me know.

MORENA BACCARIN

(searches four dozen tents)

Oh there he is! At last-

ARMY MEDIC

(blocks way)

Sorry ma'am, we have to follow official protocol.

(dramatically sweeps open curtain)

Your child... IS HERE!

MORENA BACCARIN & KID

YAAAAAY

ARMY MEDIC

We've given him fluids, and here's a fresh supply of insulin. I'll be back to check on you in a bit.

MORENA BACCARIN

My gosh, all this medical care, free of charge?!? Such a drastic breakdown of civilization, this truly must be the end times!!

CANADA

(sighs heavily)

EXT. LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY

GERARD finally arrives at MORENA'S DAD'S HOUSE, played by none other than SCOTT GLENN (the Dad, not the house).

SCOTT GLENN

Well well, look what the shit dragged in.

GERARD BUTLER

I know you hate me for hurting your daughter, and showing up without her or our kid isn't helping. But I promise I won't rest, I won't ever give up until I find them, no matter how long-

MORENA BACCARIN

(arriving)

Hi we're here too!

GERARD BUTLER

Oh thank fuck.

(cracks open beer)

NEWS ANCHOR

(on TV)

We're back with our Celebrity Countdown, and today's celebrity is the main chunk of the deadly comet that's gonna kill us all! Remember, it's gonna impact right before the end of the movie!

CO-ANCHOR

Also we've just obtained secret leaked footage of the survival bunker in Greenland, not like anyone could get THERE in time. What happened to all the USA-based survival bunkers from other global-catastrophe movies anyway?

GERARD BUTLER

(grimly)

We gotta try to get there. Luckily I found a plot coupon during my travels who told me there are pilots in Ottawa leaving for Greenland. Easy peasy!

MORENA BACCARIN

Uh huh. Well let's check Google Maps, Lexington to Ottawa via Rochester in ideal conditions and zero traffic takes... 13 hours. So when we factor for blockages and crashes and chaos and panic and the world having generally gone to shit, I guess it's more of a "days or weeks?" question-

GERARD BUTLER

Hm? No no we're going with that ludicrously optimistic 13-hour estimate like it's a mathematical constant. C'mon Scott!

SCOTT GLENN

Sorry but I'm gonna stick around here. Call me a Stick-in-the-mud if you must. Just remember to Stick to your guns, and don't Stick your neck out-

(squeal of tires as everyone else leaves)

That's fair.

(clobbers ninjas)

GERARD and MONICA and KID make the drive up to OSGOODE, CANADA, stopping only for ROADBLOCKS and BRIDGES BEING OUT and STORMS OF FLAMING DEBRIS and DROPPING EVERYTHING TO RESCUE SOME RANDOM DUDE FROM A BURNING CAR and wouldn't you know they make it in RECORD TIME!

EXT. AIRFIELD - CANADA

Our protagonists (wait, holy shit, did they create TENET?!?) reach the airfield just as a plane is about to TAKE OFF, EH!

GERARD BUTLER

NO WAIT! I'll drive directly in their path, if we don't get to live then fuck those other people, they can just fucking die with us!

But the plane STOPS in time, and it turns out the pilot is veteran character actor HOLT MCCALLANY.

MORENA BACCARIN

(sigh of relief)

McCallany, McCallany.

No pilot's like McCallany!

He breaks the barrier of sound,

He breaks the law of gravity!

His powers of sick-mind hunting

Made David Fincher stare,

And now that we've reached Ottawa,

McCallany's right there!

(beams)

HOLT MCCALLANY

You can come along if you promise to never do that again.

Shortly they are AWAY!

EXT. AT LONG FUCKING LAST, FUCKING GREENLAND

Just as they reach land, the plane is HIT by a MASSIVE SHOCKWAVE from a secondary impact! Fortunately the plane is a TWO-PROPELLER FLIMSY-ASS PIECE OF SHIT and so they just PLOW INTO A MOUNTAIN and everyone is FINE!

HOLT MCCALLANY

I am a leaf on the wind. See how I-

(impaled)

(dead)

MORENA BACCARIN

Oh come on. Seriously?

Okay well, ALMOST everyone. The passengers trudge over to the BUNKER just in time to see THE REALLY BIG COMET break atmo! Everyone gets ushered inside and told to BRACE FOR IMPACT!

GERARD BUTLER

Listen fam, we gotta cushion ourselves with the puffiest, squishiest home-movie flashbacks you can imagine. Got it? Everyone remember fluffy soft-focus happy memories, now!

They successfully insulate themselves with RATHER A LONG SEQUENCE OF FLUFFY-WUFFY SAPPY AS FUCK GENERIC MONTAGE FILLER and survive without a scratch on them.

EXT. THE DEVASTATED EARTH - NINE MONTHS LATER

The BUNKER successfully makes radio contact with ALL THE OTHER BUNKERS THAT WERE BUILT EVERY DAMN PLACE ON EARTH EXCEPT THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT. As a reward they OPEN the main door and everyone gathers round to view the DESOLATE HELLSCAPE which is all that remains of their OBLITERATED CIVILIZATION. A few BIRDS are the only sign of life in the CHARRED WASTELAND that stretches well past the horizon.

GERARD BUTLER

Maybe I don't need to bother returning that car.

END