FADE IN:

INT. BIG SHINY OFFICE

JUDD APATOW

Good morning, Studio Executives. I've got this awesome new script by Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo that I want to produce. It's fresh, witty, and original while touching on universal truths from a rarely-heard perspective.

STUDIO EXECS

Sounds great. Let's give it the most generic title imaginable, and release it the week after a slew of absolutely godawful wedding-centric romcoms will have soured the entire continent on the very idea of movies about weddings.

JUDD APATOW

Ooh, and maybe make sure that none of the trailer jokes are in the actual movie. And be sure to really play up the gross-out angle, even though that will be entirely contained in a single gratuitous scene I'll shoehorn in, that will make up maybe 5% of the total running time.

STUDIO EXECS

Nice touch. Have you ever thought about becoming a studio executive?

CUT TO:

INT. JON HAMM'S HOUSE

JON HAMM is having sex with KRISTEN WIIG, who has kept her BRA ON.

AUDIENCE

Hmm, the whole "sex with bra still on" gimmick seems somewhat at odds with the no-holds-barred raunchy comedy that we have been promised by the trailers, which have never lied to us before, ever.

JON HAMM

(finishing up)

Ahhh. Thanks, Kristen. I'll be kicking you out, now, because I can't help but lapse into my "arrogant douchebag" character whenever someone so much as points a camera in my direction. Seriously, even in my holiday photos, I'm an insufferable jerkoff.

KRISTEN WIIG

(sighs)

Fine. I'll just go deal with my realistic life, inhabited by realistic characters, that gives rise to authentic comedic situations.

PARODY AUTHOR ALEX WIEBE

Whuh?!? What am I supposed to snark about if you go do that? C'mon!

KRISTEN WIIG

Oh, whoops. Well, perhaps Maya Rudolph and I will succumb to the fearsome mar-"Rage" Virus that infects most female characters in wedding comedies.

CUT TO:

INT. MAYA RUDOLPH'S APARTMENT

KRISTEN WIIG

Grrrr, Maya, you whore, I will now systematically destroy your entire life and drown your puppy because of my insane estrojealousy! Whaddya say?

MAYA RUDOLPH

No... even though we will have conflict, it won't magically make us forget that we have been best friends our entire lives, and we will work it out like sane-thinking people.

PARODY AUTHOR ALEX WIEBE

Well that's no help.

KRISTEN WIIG

Hmm. What if my nemesis in this movie, Rose Byrne, and I spur each other into ever-escalating psychopathic hijinks that transform us into cartoonish stereotypes? She could start by switching my eyeliner with hydrochloric acid, with hilarious results.

ROSE BYRNE does some nasty things that nevertheless function within the limits of reality.

ENTIRE FEMALE AUDIENCE

OH MY GOD I KNEW SOMEONE EXACTLY LIKE THAT SHE WAS SUCH A BITCH.

KRISTEN WIIG

Sounds like we're still grounded in true-to-life experiences, then. Hey, Melissa McCarthy is of above average size. We could make cheap jokes at her expense, thus demeaning this entire project...

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Actually I am easily the most awesome cool character in this whole movie, and it's me who finally drags you out of your self-pitying assholeness into being a proper human, thus making me the hero.

KRISTEN WIIG

Oh.

ROSE BYRNE

And I turn out to be kinda sympathetic, and we reach a bond of mutual understanding by the end.

PARODY AUTHOR ALEX WIEBE

For fuck's sake! Help me out here, Kristen!

KRISTEN WIIG

Geez, what's left? There's my love interest, Chris O'Dowd... we could have a Big Misunderstanding that can be instantly cleared up by saying one line, which we put off until the very end for no reason, perhaps. I could be talking on the phone with Maya about pie, and I could say "God, but I hate that crusty old flake" and Chris could overhear and misunderstand...

CHRIS O'DOWD

According to my script, we have a Genuine Conflict arising from our characterizations that we react to like real people and which is resolved convincingly.

PARODY AUTHOR ALEX WIEBE

Well that's just great, now I have barely anything to work with.

JUDD APATOW

(rushing in)

Is the movie over yet? I wanted to utterly ruin the carefully constructed tone of the ending by throwing in some cheap food-sex jokes over the credits.

PARODY AUTHOR ALEX WIEBE

Hooray! ...I mean, dammit! ...now I'm all confused.

KRISTEN WIIG

Sorry for making a movie that's actually good and all. But on the bright side, someone has stepped up to fill the need for a smart, crowd-pleasing female comedy! Now to bask in the huge commercial success this will inevitably bring.

Just then PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4 and HANGOVER PART 2 show up and VOMIT ALL OVER EVERY THEATRE ON EARTH.

AUDIENCES

(throwing vast sums of money)

YAAAY! YUMMY YUMMY MOVIE VOMIT!! MORE PLEASE!!

KRISTEN WIIG

Ah, crap. Guess we should have had more vomit.

JUDD APATOW

(shrugging)

Told you so.

END