FADE IN:

INT. ROCK CONCERT

BRADLEY COOPER is ROCKET ROCKING OUT while LOADED UP on DRUGS and ALCOHOL!!

BRADLEY COOPER

(to tune of "Black Eyes")

Bradley Cooper's here

My sweat is made of beer

My hair's damp with grease

And check it, I'm singing for real

Chugging booze

Like a space raccoon,

And I think I'm look-ing like Rick Grimes

(coda)

Crazy Rick Grimes

Just like Rick Grimes

Fucking Rick Grimes

BRADLEY finishes the show and darts into a LIMO to celebrate with his ENTOURAGE, made up of die-hard fans JOHNNY WALKER and CAPTAIN MORGAN and JACK DANIELS and GREY GOOSE and WHATEVER THE FUCK LEFTOVER BEER THIS IS.

INT. DARK DINGY HOTEL BASEMENT

LADY GAGA works drudgily away at her dreary horrible SERVICE INDUSTRY JOB along with her GAY BFF ANTHONY RAMOS.

ANTHONY RAMOS

Hey girl! How's it going?

LADY GAGA

Not good! I just broke up with my boyfriend, I have a shitty job, my singing career is going nowhere! I'm not on ANY heterosexual man's radar, what a horrible fate! Oh if only some handsome gentleman would notice me!

(drops glass slipper)

At least I have a show tonight to look forward to...

EVIL ASSHOLE BOSS

NOT SO FAST! As your evil taskmaster boss, I forbid you to leave until... you take out this SINGLE NORMAL-SIZED BAG OF GARBAGE!!

(plays dramatic chord on Hammond organ)

LADY GAGA

(aghast!)

Oh God no, not the NORMAL-SIZED bag!! AAIEEEEEEEEEE

(lightning flash)

(thunder)

EVIL ASSHOLE BOSS

(twirls moustache)

BWAH HA HA HA

Anyway GAGA takes the extra two minutes to throw out the solitary bag of garbage.

EXT. THE STREETS, LATE AT NIGHT

Having consumed every last drop of alcohol-related liquid inside the limo including half the GAS TANK, BRADLEY is being driven around trying to find a BAR.

BRADLEY COOPER

(to driver)

Hey Jon, let's try this place!

GREG GRUNBERG

Why do you keep calling me Jon? Wait, do you think I'm Jon Favreau?

BRADLEY COOPER

You're saying you're not?

BRADLEY goes inside and it's a DRAG BAR, WHAAAA?!? However he's just in time to hear LADY GAGA!

LADY GAGA

(to tune of "La Vie en Rose")

Quand tu as vraiment besoin

D'avoir une certaine femme

Avec "le Streisand no-se"

BRADLEY COOPER

(mischievously)

Oh, I'm gonna get that nose.

BRADLEY drunkenly leers at GAGA and drunkenly flirts with GAGA and drunkenly fucks with her FALSE EYEBROWS and then drunkenly invites her to go do more drinking. And so our GRAND TALE OF LOVE is underway!

INT. COP BAR

BRADLEY takes GAGA to a COP BAR and luckily he didn't go there first or we'd all be watching A SARGE IS BORN instead.

LADY GAGA

Yeah I write songs. But my career's gone nowhere because of my giant hideous freakish nose, which in industry terms means "larger than half a sugar cube".

BRADLEY COOPER

All you need is the endorsement of a famous dude like me. Hitch your wagon to my train and I'll be there to support you forever!

(chugs whiskey)

(slams back bottle of pills)

(stuffs face with deep-fried bacon bits)

(gets office job)

RANDOM DRUNK COP

Hey guys look it's Bradley!! Burble blarb asshole douche!!

LADY GAGA

How dare you be obnoxiously drunk around my mellow horny drunk! Fuck you!

(slugs cop)

BRADLEY COOPER

Noice! I hope you're not mega-famous and rich anytime soon or that cop is surely gonna sue you hard!

RANDOM DRUNK COP

(vanishes into Thanos-dust)

INT. 24-HOUR SUPERMARKET

BRADLEY and GAGA go shopping for frozen peas and tape to deal with GAGA'S swollen punching hand.

LUENELL

That'll be $23.55.

(is second-most memorable female role in entire movie)

Shit, really?!

(yeah Chappelle's wife and daughter aren't really given anything, and you at least set up a decent laugh for Gaga)

Damn.

In the PARKING LOT, BRADLEY and GAGA do episodes of DRUNK HISTORY about themselves to get to know each other better.

LADY GAGA

(sings haphazard fragments of "Shallow")

BRADLEY COOPER

That's awesome! I am so shitfaced that I'm gonna remember all that exactly, magically extrapolate the rest of the song, and do a full arrangement of it, then psychically beam that full arrangement into YOUR head so we can perform it together with no rehearsal whatsoever!!

LADY GAGA

Haha yeah, sure you are, boozeface.

BRADLEY COOPER

(adjusts crotch)

No that's really what happens.

EXT. CHEZ GAGA

As morning dawns, GREG and BRADLEY drive GAGA home and drop her off.

BRADLEY COOPER

(through car window)

Hey Gaga!

LADY GAGA

What?

BRADLEY COOPER

(smiles)

I just wanted to set up the classic tragic framing device. And about ten thousand memes. Later!

GAGA goes inside where her father, ANDREW DICE CLAY FUCK REALLY?!? WAS THE CASTING DEPARTMENT PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE THAT DAY?? WELL LET'S SEE HOW IT GOES, is hanging out with his fellow LIMO DRIVER buddies.

ANDREW DICE CLAY

Hey wow, you were out all night with Bradley Cooper?! He's super famous that's awesome! Does he maybe wanna come inside for a blowjob or something? You gotta keep these superstars happy babe, I'm telling you! At least a handie, c'mon!

LADY GAGA

Slow your fucking roll Dad. He's an ALCOHOLIC, and I'll imply maybe you were too and that's why Mom left us, or maybe Mom was and you left her, or she was and she died, oh fuck it let's not sweat the details.

INT. HOTEL BASEMENT

GAGA reports for work with ANTHONY.

LADY GAGA

Bradley really wants me to go to his next show but I can tell he's on a self-destructive path that will only end in misery. Do I really want to be part of that? Plus, if I ride his coattails to fame will I always wonder if I truly earned it? And--

EVIL ASSHOLE BOSS

(appearing in puff of smoke)

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, GAGA!!! I must point out that you... HAVE ARRIVED TO WORK LATE, QUITE A REASONABLE THING FOR SOMEONE'S BOSS TO MENTION I MUST SAY!!!!!!!!

(holds kitten over open flame)

LADY GAGA

AIEEEEEEEE I CAN BEAR NO MORE, I RENOUNCE THIS LIFE OF ANGUISH

(flees)

BRADLEY I'M COMMIIIIIIIIIING

ANTHONY RAMOS

(also flees)

FUCK THIS I'M OUTTA HEEEERE HEY GAGA YOU DON'T MIND IF I LIVE OFF YOUR FAME RIGHT OKAY COOL

GAGA and ANTHONY dash out and are flown directly to BRADLEY'S SHOW!!

INT. BRADLEY'S SHOW -- BACKSTAGE

GAGA is brought to STAGE LEFT and meets SAM ELLIOTT.

SAM ELLIOTT

Pleased to meet you, I'm Brad's way older step-brother, and tour manager. I also duct-tape his liver together between concerts.

BRADLEY COOPER

Hey giant crowd, I've brought in a total unknown to sing for everyone! Everyone give her a huge hand!!! Oh yeah, get pumped for this!!!

(to Gaga)

So how about it? No pressure!

LADY GAGA

But I don't-

BRADLEY COOPER

(psychically beams song arrangement into her head)

LADY GAGA

Wow you weren't kidding. I even know when you're gonna sing "Sha-ha-ha-ha-llow" and when you're not. Let's do this!

BRADLEY COOPER

(to tune of "Shallow")

Tell me somethin', Jo

Are you happy with your Golden Globe?

Or do you need more?

Is it EGOT that you're searchin' for?

LADY GAGA

(singing)

Tell me something, Brad

You're a Teen Choice and you've won a SAG

Why lay yourself bare?

Ain't you hard to have so much hardware?

BRADLEY & GAGA

(singing)

I'm looking

At all the statues upon my shelf

Hoping it's real

But in the bad times I doubt myself

BRADLEY COOPER

(singing)

I'm good at acting, and now I'll direct

I won't be pigeon-holed

LADY GAGA

(singing)

Grab all the Oscars, we're trophy monsters

They can't call us shallow now

BRADLEY & GAGA

(singing)

We're not sha-ha, sha-ha-llow

Never sha-ha, sha-la-la-la-llow,

Won't be sha-ha, sha-ha-llow,

They can't call us shallow now

The song is a HIT! BRADLEY invites GAGA to continue performing with him across LOTS OF EXCITING VENUES including ARENAS and STADIUMS and HIS OWN BED. She ACCEPTS and so yes indeed, A STAR IS BORN... and given how fast that all happened, probably rushed to the STARDOM POST-NATAL ICU.

EXT. ARIZONA

BRADLEY'S TOUR has a stop in his home state of ARIZONA!

BRADLEY COOPER

I can't wait to show you my family ranch where my Dad's grave is.

LADY GAGA

I'd love to see it! Do you have a recent picture, or maybe show it to me on Google Earth?

BRADLEY COOPER

Naw, it's more dramatic to wait until we drive aaaallll the way out there and A FUCKING WIND FARM?!? WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK

(speeds to concert venue)

SAM YOU FUCKER YOU SOLD THE FARM

(punches Sam)

SAM ELLIOTT

FUCKING RIGHT I DID A STORM DESTROYED EVERYTHING DAD'S GONE

LADY GAGA

(furiously taking notes)

HOLY SHIT guys slow down, what was that last bit?

BRADLEY COOPER

WELL I WOULD HAVE NOTICED IF I WEREN'T A HUGE DRUNK SO FUCK ME I GUESS

SAM ELLIOTT

FUCK YOU IS RIGHT, YOU STOLE MY VOICE

BRADLEY COOPER

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK DUDE I mean, yes I studied your voice so we'd be more plausible as brothers, but it's not a contest or anything--

SAM ELLIOTT

Oh bullshit, you've been trying to out-rasp my subwoofery growl this WHOLE FUCKING TIME. WELL FUCK ALL THIS I QUIT

(stomps off)

LADY GAGA

(reviewing notes)

Okay... so Sam just quit because your Dad's voice was stolen by a windstorm, did I get that right?

BRADLEY COOPER

Close enough.

(drinks bottle of turpentine)

EXT. AFTER THE SHOW

After another SUCCESSFUL SHOW, GAGA is approached by RAFI GAVRON!

RAFI GAVRON

Hi, I'd like to be your manager. I'm hoping you'll accept the first random request that comes your way.

LADY GAGA

I dunno, what if you try to compromise my artistic vision? Destroy what makes me unique as a singer-songwriter?!?

RAFI GAVRON

Yes we'll likely have many intense and dramatic struggles. For example, I think you should have... DANCERS!

LADY GAGA

Well I think I should have... NO DANCERS!!

RAFI GAVRON

But what if you had... SOME DANCERS?!!?

LADY GAGA

Then that is COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE!!!!

RAFI GAVRON

I'm glad you THINK SO!!!!!

LADY GAGA

Guess we'll be on THE SAME PAGE FOREVER NOW!!!!!!

RAFI GAVRON

I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR HARMONIOUS UNCOMPLICATED BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

GAGA records a solo album with her awesome songs on it, and gets her OWN tour!

LADY GAGA

(tune of "Always Remember Us This Way")

Looter out for cash

Panda in the trash

You look at me and Brad it's like you're CGI

'Cause all I really know

It's everywhere you go

Your quintessential role, no it won't ever die...

So when you're all done up and up there on the screen

Every thing you say to me, Bradley it's him

When I close my eyes

Anything you say

I only hear Rocket anyway

After one of GAGA'S shows BRADLEY is missing but she manages to follow the trail of empty BOOZE and PILL bottles back to DAVE CHAPELLE'S house.

INT. CHEZ CHAPPELLE

The next morning BRADLEY and GAGA sit down for breakfast with the CHAPPELLES.

DAVE CHAPPELLE

Bradley's an old friend of mine and we've been through lots together. So I swore I would always be there for him, always lend my support, as long as he could drag himself to within twenty feet of my own house. Any further and he's on his fucking own.

BRADLEY COOPER

Gaga, I know I screwed up by getting horribly shitfaced and my trajectory is both downward and spiral-shaped. BUT... what if I suddenly proposed using this loop of guitar string?!?

LADY GAGA

Obviously I'd accept, DUH!

DAVE CHAPPELLE

Well fuck, let's get you guys married IMMEDIATELY!!! This will erase any and all overhanging issues and make everything happy forever!!

BRADLEY COOPER

That's an AWESOME idea!!

(singing)

GOOO-in' to the Chappelle and I'm... GONNN-na get ma-aa-aa-rried...

LADY GAGA

Do I get to invite my Dad, or Anthony, or anybody at all-

BRADLEY COOPER

NOPE!! ONLY ME AND MY FRIENDS MATTER, YAY WEDDED BLISS!!!!!

DAVE CHAPPELLE

I am the best sponsor ever.

INT. SNL STUDIOS

LADY GAGA has been booked on SNL! We get a peek at the incredibly elaborate control room, that's right fuckers, maybe you thought it was EASY slapping together a series of mostly static single-set sketches but IT'S REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED OKAY?!?? LOOK AT ALL THOSE MONITORS!!! LOOK AT THEM!!!!

RAFI GAVRON

How pumped are you to be on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE hosted by ALEC BALDWIN, the world's greatest living actor?!?!

LADY GAGA

So pumped!! I can't wait to visibly flub my lines and break character laughing at jokes, just like a real cast member!! Oooh ooh maybe there'll be a sketch where we're a focus group doing a taste test of a sponsored product!!

ALEC BALDWIN introduces GAGA and thanks to how ITUNES works creates possibly the most expensive track ever when calculated per syllable.

LADY GAGA

(to tune of "Why Did You Do That?")

Why are you still around here, Kenan?

Why'd you stick around here in the cast like that?

All your impressions are the same

This is not worth the fame

Why not move on and do something new? (Damn)

Get other things to use your craft on, yeah

Find other ways to make the news

Find some new Gucci shoes

(chorus)

What is up with that, with that, with that, with that,

With that, Kenan?

What is up with that, with that, with that, with that,

With that, Kenan?

(Jason Sudeikis leaps onstage to do the Running Man)

What is up with that, with that, with that, with that,

With that, Kenan?

What is up with that?

What is up with that?

Backstage, SAM shows up to reconcile with BRADLEY.

SAM ELLIOTT

I want you to remember something brother. I may not work for you anymore, but you can always call me. About anything. I'll be there to help, no matter what. Even if it's late in the third act, for instance.

BRADLEY COOPER

(stealing Anulax batteries)

Sorry bro were you saying something important?

SAM ELLIOTT

(facepalms)

INT. BRAGA'S HOUSE

GAGA is taking a bath when BRADLEY stumbles in super drunk.

BRADLEY COOPER

I heard you're up for three Grammys for your new piece of shit song. Congratulations, big nose!

LADY GAGA

You're such an asshole! Oh if only I had someone else to express my feelings to, except Anthony's disappeared and there's just an empty sucking void where a Supporting Actress role would be. Oh well, I'm sure I will have many more scenes to flex my dramatic chops...

(is 100% naked for half a second)

Yeah that's just as good, thanks a heap.

INT. THE GRAMMYS

BRADLEY gets downgraded from lead vocals to backup guitar so that somebody who actually sings like ROY ORBISON can do a ROY ORBISON song. As a result he goes from SUPER-DRUNK MODE to TAR-KRYPTONITE-SUPER-DRUNK MODE.

ANNOUNCER

And the award for Best New Artist, always a harbinger of future megastardom, goes to... LADY GAGA!

GAGA goes to accept the award and BRADLEY ultra-drunkenly follows her!

BRADLEY COOPER

Okay I know this scene is traditional but holy fuck, this would NOT happen with today's security. I'd have been tackled by five dudes soon as I stumbled into the theatre.

Instead BRADLEY wanders on stage, PISSES HIS PANTS and generally HUMILIATES himself, but since the PHILADELPHIA FLYERS already have a NEW MASCOT he gets sent directly to REHAB. [NOTE: This joke was written before GRITTY turned out to be AWESOME, so way to ruin my joke GRITTY, you FUCKING ASSHOLE.]

INT. REHAB

BRADLEY gradually detoxes and opens up to the staff.

BRADLEY COOPER

So yeah I tried committing suicide once lolz

RON RIFKIN

Really? That's a huge red flag. We'd better keep you under observation and make sure you're not left alone in the weeks immediately following your treatment. Let me just write that into your file SQUIRREL!

(dashes off)

LADY GAGA comes to visit!

LADY GAGA

I had to come see you. Partly because I noticed that most of my big acting moments are also singing moments and all the spoken drama stuff tends to revolve around you.

BRADLEY COOPER

That's fair. Gruffity grumble growl.

(plants sentient twig)

LADY GAGA

Aw see you're sounding like your old self. I'm gonna ask Rafi if you can come tour with us, because I'm thinking the best idea is to throw you immediately back into your old lifestyle! Sound good?

INT. BRAGA'S HOUSE

Post-rehab BRADLEY caaaaarefully pours himself some water just as RAFI arrives to see him.

RAFI GAVRON

Hey Bradley. I know you're fresh out of rehab and this is a very delicate time.

(pause)

So I just wanted to remind you that you're a horrible fuckup that fucks everything up, you will inevitably destroy Lady Gaga's entire life and career, and we'd all be better off if you were dead.

(puts straight razor by bathtub)

(reinforces ceiling fans)

(installs gas oven)

Anyway, toodles!

Later that day GAGA comes home for snuggletimes.

LADY GAGA

Babe this is a super critical stage of your recovery. So I've cancelled my next tour, not really a big deal since stars cancel tours all the time. Fuck, Adele took a year off and it's cool. I'll get to spend lots of time with you during this volatile phase, AND I'm going to work on a new studio album so that I don't even have to pause my career at all!

BRADLEY COOPER

(aside)

OH GOD IT'S TRUE I'VE DESTROYED EVERYTHING JUST AS RAFI FORETOLD

(to Gaga)

Cool babe. I appreciate it.

LADY GAGA

Nice! Anyway I've got a show tonight, but you'll be okay? We've arranged for someone to be around all the time, like your brother or Anthony or my Dad or hey, maybe your faithful driver, whatever happened to him?

BRADLEY COOPER

I dunno I think Tony Stark called. Anyway have a good show!

(Gaga starts to leave)

Hey Gaga?

LADY GAGA

What?

BRADLEY COOPER

(smiles)

I just wanted to finish the classic tragic framing device. Oh and remind everyone that VENOM SUCKS ASS. Later!

GAGA heads off to her show and BRADLEY prepares to commit suicide. This includes preparing an ENTIRE STEAK for his DOG who waits obediently to be allowed to eat and doesn't IMMEDIATELY LUNGE ON IT LIKE A CERTAIN OTHER DOG WOULD DO, THIS IS WHY YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD MISTER MACSTUFFINS, YOU UNEMPLOYABLE FREELOADING FUCK um where were we, oh yeah BRADLEY is dead and everyone is sad now.

ANTHONY RAMOS

Hey I still exist! Wonder what I've been doing all this time. Anyway I'm sorry you're sad Gaga.

ANDREW DICE CLAY

Yeah me too.

SAM ELLIOTT

(sub-sonic rumbling)

GREG GRUNBERG

(angrily blocks call from Spider-Man)

INT. CONCERT HALL

GAGA performs at a benefit concert in memory of BRADLEY.

LADY GAGA

(to tune of "I'll Never Love Again")

Wish we could

We could just say goodbye

I think we've said what we needed to

Made our viewers go "boo-hoo"...

If we knew this would be the last time

It could have broke our hearts in two

But there's more remakes to do...

We sat through Gaynor's Hollywood

We sat through Garland's song and dance

We sat through Streisand's fling with Kris

Now my own name's added to the list...

Don't want to hitch another girl

To another trainwreck

Don't want another tragic tale

See yet another rehab fail...

No I don't want this again

Let's not do this again

Oh, oh, oh...

As the CAMERA lingers on GAGA'S mourning face, STUDIO EXECUTIVES immediately rush to greenlight A STAR IS BORN 2035 starring HARRY STYLES and a HEAVILY CONCENTRATED CLOUD OF INTERSTELLAR GAS AND DUST because people in the FUTURE care about SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY OKAY.

END