"How DARE you show up to the funeral in the same dress as me?!"

IN SECRET

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. RURAL FRANCE

MATT DEVERE brings his daughter, YOUNG ELIZABETH OLSEN, to the home of her aunt, JESSICA LANGE, and her cousin, YOUNG TOM FELTON.

MATT DEVERE

My daughter's African mother died and I have to start giving her--

JESSICA LANGE

Wait, seriously? She's an Olsen. There are nuclear flashes less white than her.

MATT DEVERE

It's in the book. Anyway, I have to give her issues about men that will explain a lot later. She's all yours.

(is deadbeat)

JESSICA LANGE

Elizabeth, I expect you to take care of my precious Tom, the most wonderful son in the history of procreation, who will one day grow up to be your devoted husband, the most wonderful husband in the history of matrimony.

YOUNG TOM FELTON

(wipes snot on curtains)

YOUNG ELIZABETH OLSEN

Should I just hurl myself into the river now?

JESSICA LANGE

Ehh. Might as well.

She stitches "DON'T MAKE A SOUND" and "KEEP QUIET" into a piece of EMBROIDERY, hanging it next to another piece stitched with "GET IT?"

EXT. TEN OR SO YEARS LATER

GROWN ELIZABETH spots a SHIRTLESS HUNK across the RIVER and starts humping the GRASS.

Look, I don't know how else to say it. She humps the GRASS.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Well, that solved nothing. I'm still so turned on that even Tom looks good to me.

TOM FELTON

(gets nauseous from eating Triscuit)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I hate everything.

JESSICA LANGE

Pack your bags, Elizabeth! We're leaving behind the fresh country air so Tom can take a desk job in quite possibly the gloomiest, grimiest version of Paris ever seen on film. Won't it be exciting, Tommy dear?

TOM FELTON

(struggles to lift piece of paper)

They arrive at their new SHOP/APARTMENT, where they meet TOM's old friend and co-worker OSCAR ISAAC.

JESSICA LANGE

Why, Oscar, it's been years! Elizabeth, you sit on the windowsill and do nothing while we invite him in.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Oh God I need some grass.

OSCAR ISAAC

Did I mention I paint nudes?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Seriously, do we have any fresh parsley in the kitchen?

OSCAR ISAAC

And I've probably brought every single one of my models to the very heights of ecstasy just by breathing on them the right way?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I'LL EVEN TAKE A PILE OF YARN, SOMEBODY HELP A GIRL OUT

OSCAR ISAAC

I thought you'd never ask.

They fuck instantly.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Look, I don't want to sound like I'm fishing for compliments or anything, but don't you think we're kind of mismatched? I mean, I'm not BAD, but...

OSCAR ISAAC

You've got the same Village of the Damned thing as your sisters?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Yes, exactly.

OSCAR ISAAC

Well, you're very obviously into me, you can't be getting any decent action from Tom...

INT. FLASHBACK - ELIZABETH AND TOM'S WEDDING NIGHT

TOM FELTON

(points and giggles uncontrollably at first-ever glimpse of boobies)

INT. PRESENT

OSCAR ISAAC

...and, to top it off, I can't afford prostitutes anymore.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

...WHAT?!

OSCAR ISAAC

It's in the book.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Well, THANKS. You've completely ruined the wish fulfillment. See if I ever let you get me up against the windowsill again.

OSCAR ISAAC

But you're so much better than prostitutes! I actually believe you're into it!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Bullshit. You're Oscar Isaac. You're in the top three of every straight woman's celebrity exceptions list.

OSCAR ISAAC

What's it going to take to convince you? Do I have to promise never to leave you?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Yup.

OSCAR ISAAC

Yeah, what I said.

ELIZABETH hides him under her SKIRTS and he goes down on her while JESSICA rubs her SHOULDERS.

This movie is into some WEIRD SHIT, man.

INT. ELIZABETH AND TOM'S BEDROOM

TOM packs up to return to the COUNTRYSIDE.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

But, Tom, I like it here! The headaches I've been getting every day around your and Oscar's lunch hour are just PMS!

TOM FELTON

(coughs up big pile of chimney soot)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Yeah, your health matters, but... the countryside is so boring! There are no pulsating tongues I MEAN theatres for miles around!

TOM FELTON

(gets winded opening closet)

ELIZABETH runs to tell OSCAR.

OSCAR ISAAC

Damn, that sucks. Wanna kill Tom?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

YES! OH GOD YES!

First they take TOM to the park, where he falls asleep in ELIZABETH's lap and OSCAR tries to finger her at the same time.

This isn't how HORNY PEOPLE act, you guys. Get a GRIP.

Then they take TOM on a ROWBOAT, drown him, stage an extremely convincing FREAKOUT, and go home to tell JESSICA the bad news.

JESSICA LANGE

How could you let it happen?! How is it even possible that you two perfectly healthy young adults survived a dunk in the river and not my precious son, who I knew perfectly well couldn't even comb his hair without breaking a finger? I don't understand!

(smashes stuff)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Well, she'll be in hysterics for a few weeks at least.

OSCAR ISAAC

Most likely.

A beat.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

So...

OSCAR ISAAC

Yeah, that'd be too much, even for us. Later.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Later.

INT. MORGUE

OSCAR goes to identify TOM's body.

OSCAR ISAAC

OH GOD HE LOOKS LIKE A SIX-MONTH-OLD HOT DOG LEFT UNDER THE FRIDGE I AM DONE WITH MY PENIS JUST DONE

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Are you kidding? This was your stupid idea, and all so we could fuck ever after. Let's go.

She removes his PANTS.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

GOOD LORD I WILL NEVER LOOK AT IT THE SAME WAY AGAIN

OSCAR ISAAC

Ugh, no. It's too late. We just need to marry each other and we'll feel a lot less crippling guilt and self-loathing.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

But the shop is in Jessica's name, and she's finally doting on me for once. She'll never let me marry someone else. Unless...

OSCAR ISAAC

Unless we wait for our marriage to become someone else's idea!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

...Yeah, I thought this conversation was going in a different direction.

Later, JESSICA's friends JOHN KAVANAGH, MATT LUCAS, SHIRLEY HENDERSON, and MACKENZIE CROOK arrive to play DOMINOES.

JOHN KAVANAGH

Jesus, is Elizabeth okay? She looks even deader than--

JESSICA LANGE

WAAAAAAHHH!!!

JOHN KAVANAGH

Um, what I mean is, she's too young and cute to be a widow all her life, and Oscar is even cuter. You've known him for years, so it's not like he'll turn out to be a psycho murd--

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Yup.

OSCAR ISAAC

Sure.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Couldn't agree more.

OSCAR ISAAC

Let's do it.

They get married and begin to loathe the VERY SIGHT of each other.

OSCAR ISAAC

Okay, maybe lust and a dingy Parisian shop were bad reasons FOR US TO KILL TOM.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Yes, we probably should have gotten to know each other on a deeper level before WE KILLED TOM.

OSCAR ISAAC

But at least we'll always have the incredible sex that PROVOKED US TO KILL TOM.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

If only we could get down to that instead of talking at full volume about HOW WE KILLED TOM.

OSCAR ISAAC

...Shit, you don't think Jessica heard any of that, do you?

JESSICA LANGE

(from the next room)

Elizabeth? Are you two burning toast in there?

She collapses and is rendered MUTE and IMMOBILE.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Whew. Now we can speak freely about how WE TOTALLY KILLED TOM.

JESSICA LANGE

(mute and immobile, not deaf or dumb)

With EXTREME EFFORT, she finger-writes a MESSAGE to her friends.

SHIRLEY HENDERSON

What's she saying? "Elizabeth..."

MACKENZIE CROOK

"...and..."

JOHN KAVANAGH

"...Oscar..."

MATT LUCAS

"...killed..."

ELIZABETH and OSCAR freeze. JESSICA's strength gives out.

MACKENZIE CROOK

I've got it! "Elizabeth and Oscar killed it at dominoes!"

JESSICA LANGE

(would facepalm if she could)

EXT. THE RIVER

ELIZABETH and OSCAR take JESSICA on THE WORST PICNIC EVER.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I want to hold something long and hard as steel.

OSCAR ISAAC

I want to put something deadly in your mouth.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I want some nice deep thrusts.

OSCAR ISAAC

I want to make you gag on this.

They're holding a KNIFE and some POISON, respectively.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(turns to camera)

Now I know none of you thought we were going to go THERE.

They kill EACH OTHER. JESSICA uses the very last of her STRENGTH to flip them off and put on a pair of SUNGLASSES.

END

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