FADE IN:

EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT

Two REALLY HOT PEOPLE stare blankly at each other.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(actual voiceover)

There are moments in life that define us.

(not actual voiceover)

Like the moment I agreed to star in a movie that treats "boring girl meets hot asshole" as a glorious, life-altering romance, despite beginning as a One Direction fanfic. Since I have nothing on the go besides one episode of a Hulu series, there's a good chance this will define my career. So if anyone needs an attractive blonde for a slasher flick or a made-for-TV Christmas movie, I await your call.

INT. COLLEGE

JOSEPHINE arrives at her new dorm with her mother, SELMA BLAIR, and her boyfriend, DYLAN ARNOLD.

SELMA BLAIR

Now, Josephine, I want you to remember that you are NOT here to drink and have sex with boys. This is college.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Mom, you can totally trust me. I shop in the Salvation Army junior section. My and Noah's idea of a hot date is LITERALLY Netflix and chill. Nobody here will make me drink and have sex with boys.

They meet her roommate, KHADIJHA RED THUNDER.

KHADIJHA RED THUNDER

I vape and have sex with girls.

SELMA BLAIR

(runs screaming)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Yeah... sorry about that.

KHADIJHA RED THUNDER

Nah, I get that a lot. Usually because I dress like In Living Color threw up in my closet.

(leaves)

DYLAN ARNOLD

So, this is it. I guess I'll dry-hump you at Thanksgiving?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Oh, you're so doomed that your shirt just turned red. But just in case our viewers haven't figured that out already, I'll throw them off by refusing to drink and have sex with boys. For now.

She spends FROSH WEEK studying and getting a DECENT AMOUNT OF SLEEP. Then one day she enters HER ROOM to find...

What? No.

THAT can't be right.

There is no way that's actually HIS NAME.

I mean, his CHARACTER's name is pornographic enough, but...

No. No PARENT would be that cruel. That's not HIS NAME.

JESS M.

(checks notes)

Okay, that is HIS NAME.

Actually, with the MIDDLE NAMES, it's even worse.

Damn. POOR BASTARD.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Good afternoon, complete stranger whose room I'm in for no apparent reason. Allow me to introduce my sarcasm and literary mansplaining, which you will forgive by tonight because I can do this.

(smolders)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

You think so, huh? Well, I'll have you know that our inevitable semi-torrid romance has absolutely NOTHING to do with your H&M billboard good looks and EVERYTHING to do with my current boyfriend resembling Screech's younger cousin. So THERE.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

I could give up right now, because I have an even hotter girl on deck who's willing to do things that you can't pronounce. But you've got that ONE THING and I need that ONE THING.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

What, vagina?

INT. HOUSE PARTY

KHADIJHA and JOSEPHINE join HERO and his evil spooge bucket, INANNA SARKIS, among other CRETINS.

KHADIJHA RED THUNDER

Hey, guys, this is Josephine. I brought her so we can apply just enough peer pressure to de-lame her a little.

CRETINS

(chanting)

DRINKING AND BOYS! DRINKING AND BOYS! DRINKING AND BOYS!

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

You're making me uncomfortable. I should leave this party I didn't want to attend in the first place and am clearly not enjoying.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Oh, I think not.

(smooolllders)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(stares back with the sexual energy of Formica)

This continues for four or five more UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTERS.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

(actual line)

Hi. I can't stay away from you.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Evidently not. We run into each other so often that this campus must be the size of a K-Mart.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Get into my car. I have a great "mostly come out here to think" spot in the middle of the woods.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

I'd assume you wanted to kill me and eat my body if you didn't smolder so well. Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy till we see the sun.

EXT. A LAKE

Yup, that's a LAKE, all right.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Wow. Magical.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

So why haven't you dumped Screech Jr. yet?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Because he's nice to me, when he's not chewing me out for going to a party as if he were my youth pastor. But he won't be around long now that you've started making my woo-hoo feel funny.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Well, don't read too much into it. I don't actually date girls.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Not even the ones you bring to your super-secret lake, make out with, and then promise not to move too fast with?

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Look. I wear black, I have tats, and I get destructive when I feel things. You should know by now that I'm too much of a bad-boy player for you.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Are you actually saying I should stay away from you because you're too dangerous?

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

No, your mother is saying that. I'M saying you should just stop worrying and let your deep-seated daddy issues take the wheel.

INT. COLLEGE

DYLAN arrives.

DYLAN ARNOLD

I'm still alive!

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Oh, uh... you brought me really fake-looking flowers. How sweet.

DYLAN ARNOLD

Are you okay? Because you sound like you're about to put me through the Turkey Dump.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Of course not! Seasons don't change in this movie, anyway. It's been late August for three months. I am, however, going to sneak out at 2 a.m. to make Hero feel all better about his own daddy issues, leaving you alone in my dorm room without the slightest hint of where I've gone and no answer to your seven texts.

(pauses)

Yup. I'm worse than you.

HERO comes up behind her.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Screech Jr., I presume. Look, just so you know the score...

(smolllllldddddders)

DYLAN ARNOLD

(bursts into tears)

I know, I know, I know for sure! Everybody wanna steal my girl! Everybody wanna take her heart away!

He drives off.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Well, that took long enough. Ready to be MY girl yet?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Dude, pump the brakes. I just ended a years-long relationship with the guy who stood by my side through years of post-divorce trauma and picking up the pieces of my mother's shattered psyche.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Wow, you really are worse than him.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(actual line)

He's my best friend. But you're so much more.

(not actual line)

You're SMOLDERY.

They spend the NEXT FEW WEEKS making out on EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE ON CAMPUS, until SELMA walks in on them.

SELMA BLAIR

Oh, there'll be none of that, young lady. No daughter of mine is going to dump the only boy her age who doesn't make me worry about becoming a grandma in my 40s.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Listen, bitch, I'm 18 years old and living on my own. If I want to fuck the 20-something hunk that every member of your book club is going to think about while trying to straddle their washing machines after this movie, I'll do it.

SELMA BLAIR

Will you? And how are you going to accomplish that after I cut you off financially for making out with a boy?

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

She can always crash at the apartment of the professor whose plants I'm watering all year. We don't have permission to do that and we're not planning to get it.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

SO THERE! As for my tuition, I'm sure I can find some Dexedrine to sell or something. Now get out of here, Mom, I was just letting Hero touch my boobs.

SELMA BLAIR

I know nothing about this boy, but I know you'll regret letting him touch your boobs! He wears black! He has tats!

(pauses)

He wears black!

INT. BAR

INANNA accosts JOSEPHINE.

INANNA SARKIS

So, now that you've had your refreshingly realistic deflowering scene, it's time to serve my purpose in this movie and truth-bomb you. Hero is only dating you to fulfill a dare.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

You mean a bet?

INANNA SARKIS

No, a dare. Usually when people in movies start a relationship on false pretenses, it's for some kind of reward, but he's not even bothering with that. He just wanted to make sure we all knew how good he was at manipulating daft girls.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(eyes brimming)

So he's not only a cliché... he's an INCORRECT cliché?

INANNA SARKIS

Yup. And now that you know, you'll get out of the way, and Hero and I can go back to doing unspeakable things with Tide Pods.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(crying)

How could he do this to me? I let him touch my boobs!

INANNA SARKIS

Because you don't know you're pitiful, oh, oh, and that's what makes you pitiful.

JOSEPHINE storms out to confront HERO.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

You asshole! You never told me you meant that thing about being a bad-boy player!

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

How dare you call me an asshole? You told me you'd never change the way you felt about me! Of course, based on your monotone when you said that, you must love me as much as a trip to the DMV!

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Why are we even talking about love? This is a freshman-year romance! Those never go anywhere!

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

No shit! You'll decide I come with too much drama and I'll find some new skank who wants to dance all night on the best schlong ever!

JOSEPHINE takes an ALL-NIGHT BUS TRIP to her HOMETOWN, where she visits SELMA and DYLAN.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Listen, I was an asshole to both of you over a relationship that's going to be a punchline to me by age 25, but I need you to forgive me now so you can help me through the post-break-up ice cream binge later. Cool?

SELMA/DYLAN

Cool.

INT. ENGLISH CLASSROOM

PROF. MEADOW WILLIAMS hands an ENVELOPE to JOSEPHINE.

PROF. MEADOW WILLIAMS

Ms. Langford, I thought you might be interested in reading Hero's final paper, which I think he just assumed I would give to you. It's basically a soppy love letter in which he compares you to one of the most charming heroines in the English literary canon. Obviously he got an F.

JOSEPHINE reads the PAPER.

HERO'S PAPER

"In Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet captivates Mr. Darcy, her sullen jerkoff of a love interest, by actually being witty and likable and finding they have something in common beyond owning old books and hating their fathers. It is apparent that Anna Todd, author of the original After novel, skimmed this book in Grade 12 English and utterly missed the point. Anyway, I'm in love with Josephine and all her little things."

Touched, JOSEPHINE finds HERO at his MAGICAL THINKING LAKE, and their STORY ends just as it began: with two REALLY HOT PEOPLE staring blankly at each other.

END