FADE IN:

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA pretends to be BAZ LUHRMANN for TWO HOURS.

END

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA

Oh c'mon, it took me like four decades to get this goddamn thing made, you could put in a BIT of effort at least.

FINE, FADE IN AGAIN:

EXT. THE CITY OF "NEW ROME" SOMETIME IN THE EARLY THIRD MILLENNIUM BUT ALSO WITH LIKE FEDORAS AND ART DECO BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY

MOST OF AUDIENCE

The hell? I came here to see futuristic sci-fi bullshit, not some Roman-Empire avant-garde theatre bullshit!

(storm out)

EXTREMELY SMALL PERCENTAGE OF AUDIENCE

And I came here to see Jason Statham fight an ancient underwater civilization of giant sharks! Fuck this!

(storm out)

From the top of the CHRYSLER BUILDING, ADAM DRIVER stands on a teeny tiny ledge, and begins to STEP OFF. He TEETERS FORWARD--

ADAM DRIVER

(actual line)

TIME... STOP!!

(everything but Adam freezes in place)

And luckily stopping time also zeroes inertia, and restores my balance so I don't fall. What a handy skill! Hope it's not just metaphorical.

INT. GIANT ORNATE MARBLE BUILDING SOMEWHERE IN NEW ROME, WHICH SOMETIMES WE CALL NEW YORK, BUT IT'S REALLY NEW ROME WHICH IS A METAPHOR FOR NEW YORK YOU SEE, YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE IT'S JUST NEW YORK

While LAURENCE FISHBURNE delivers a portentous voice-over, various CITY BIGWIGS gather to witness a showdown between HEAD VISIONARY ARCHITECT ADAM DRIVER and HORRIBLE CORRUPT MAYOR GIANCARLO ESPOSITO. A CROWD also gathers, indulging in much POSING and GYRATING which are the hottest trends in NEW ROME.

AUBREY PLAZA

(doing live report)

Welcome viewers! It's me, playing a character named "Wow Platinum" in case you forgot this script sat on a shelf for 40 years. We're here live to see Adam and Giancarlo debate zoning laws and municipal planning, but while using Roman Empire names which make it SO much more thrilling!

CHLOE FINEMAN

Oh that's because this is all based on the Catalinarian conspiracy of 63 BC and whoops someone might associate me with this crapheap if I say too much never mind

(gyrates)

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

HELLO CITIZENS! Let me introduce my entourage: firstly my daughter Nathalie Emmanuel, and her sisters whose entire job it is to pose sexily and do occasional gyration. You all know Jason Schwartzman who presumably fills some purpose, and I think James Remar is over in a corner somewhere. And here's Dustin Hoffman in a purple hat!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

(waves to camera)

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Anyhoo my plan for our city is to build... a BIG USELESS SHINY BAUBLE!! Huh? Huh?!? So sparkly! Gaze upon its pacifying twinkle!

CROWD

(boos)

ADAM DRIVER

NOW IT IS MY TURN TO ELOCUTE. Let me begin with Hamlet's entire "To be or not to be" speech because I've always wanted to do that.

(does so)

Y'all still here? Wow you guys are patient. Not you, Wow. ANYhoo, let me remind everyone that I won the Nobel Prize for inventing the amazing new building material Coppolum which lets me build anything I want, even if it takes half my life and nobody wants to distribute it. So as I explained in my interview with Time, sorry "Tempus" magazine-

(jerkoff motion)

-I will use Coppolum to build the mighty city of MEGALOPOLIS!! It will be so visionary and mighty you'll shit orgasms!

CROWD

(cheers)

GIANCLUNKO EXPOSITIO

Bold words, Adam. Almost as bold as your... DEAD WIFE!!! Who you maybe killed and I prosecuted you for because I was a lawyer before I was Mayor but you were found not guilty and which backstory adds even more tragic fuel to our bitter rivalry, COME LET US AWAY.

The crowd DISPERSES but NATHALIE follows ADAM back to his FORTRESS OF ARCHITECTUDE.

INT. THE WHOEVER-THE-ROMAN-EMPIRE-EQUIVALENT-OF-CHRYSLER-WAS BUILDING

ADAM is working on the plans for MEGALOPOLIS with his crazy rich uncle JON VOIGHT who is apparently STILL ALIVE.

ADAM DRIVER

(actual line)

What if what connects power, also stores it?

JON VOIGHT

What a fucking genius idea on which there's absolutely no need to elaborate any further!

(rushes to build impossible device)

Shit, what if my garage was a car?! What if the whole plane were the black box?! CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(while also delivering portentous voice-over)

Hey Adam, someone here to see you, it's... NATHALIE DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!

ADAM DRIVER

Well well, the daughter of my enemy. This would be a huge surprise to anyone with a non-Emersonian mind.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

I thought since I've done one year of med school and lots of drugs, I should stop by and engage in some Ptolemical discourse.

ADAM DRIVER

Excellent.

(rummages through Nathalie's stuff)

Tell me, are you enjoying SIDDHARTHA BY HERMANN HESSE?!?

(flourishes book to audience)

I have of course already read it using my Hegelian brain!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

That's a hefty read, perhaps you STOPPED TIME to do so? Yes, I'm aware of your time-bending powers which I'd also like to academically discuss, that being the tone of every conversation in this movie.

ADAM DRIVER

Hm, this shall require my MOST pretentious jacket. Laurence!

(Laurence brings jacket while voice-overing, portentously)

Now come, I must show you the inner workings of my brilliant design!

ADAM takes NATHALIE to the PILE-OF-SHIT ROOM which is covered in RANDOM GARBAGE.

ADAM DRIVER

Yes to the neophyte eye it may resemble a heap of trash but it is in fact THE KEY TO THE FUTURE! If you walk through with your eyes closed it will reveal the intricate elegance of my grand vision.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

(shuts eyes, walks)

(BONK)

OW WHOOPS

(CRASH)

FUCKING HELL

(SPLAT)

it's genius

ADAM DRIVER

(wistfully)

Indeed--a perfect city, with everything you could need no more than 15 minutes away, there has never been a more mind-bending futuristic fantastical concept. How lucky that I invented an impossible sci-fi building material to make it a reality!

EXT. NEW NOT NEW YORK - THAT NIGHT

Despite being quite impressed with ADAM'S JUNK, NATHALIE decides she needs more info and decides to follow ADAM around.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

I'm worried about the whole dead wife thing. But I'm not sure what I'll learn on one random stalking mission, could take quite a while to delve into-

ADAM DRIVER

Laurence! Drive me to the Giant Statue Practical Effect district, I need to visit the Magically Glowing Florist to buy a bouquet for my Dead Wife and then morosely caress the empty space where her body isn't, for a few hours.

(does so)

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Eh, I guess he's okay.

And so, NATHALIE and ADAM commence their WORKING RELATIONSHIP, which they consummate with a big intellectual discussion on a giant clock-dial platform thingie that is a metaphor for TEMPUS, sorry, TIME.

INT. MADISON SQUARE PERISTYLIUM AKA THE COLOSSEUM

All the characters gather to watch some NEW ROMAN AMERICAN GLADIATORS and a big fundraiser concert by pop superstar GRACE VANDERWAAL!

ADAM DRIVER

(drunkenly)

What fun! We should do some games of our own, like fucking with time, or invisible tug-of-war!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

That's a bit drama-school-exercise but okay, if it helps me avoid your horrible cousin Shia LaBeouf, dammit I thought we were done with that guy.

ADAM DRIVER

Now witness my one-man-show interpretation of Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, as I repeat a single line of dialogue 48 times!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

On the other hand, where's LaBeouf?

SHIA LABEOUF

I'd love to chat but I'm busy sabotaging everyone's plans and generally being an insufferable asshole. In the movie, too. Byyee!

Indeed SHIA gains access to the audio-video booth and swaps in a SECRET USB DRIVE! Meanwhile the BIG SHOW is about to commence.

GRACE VANDERWAAL

Hello adoring fans of me and my virginity, but mostly the second thing! Please note I'm wearing a special dress made of Coppolum which gives me the same powers as James Bond's invisible car. Now for my first number-

But SHIA'S TAPE plays on the monitors which shows GRACE fucking ADAM!!

CROWD

WHAT THE HELL I WAS DONATING FUNDS TOWARDS SOMEONE'S VIRGINITY FOR SOME TOTALLY NORMAL REASON

(riots)

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

WAIT WAIT! I have evidence that video is FAKE, they DIDN'T fuck!

CROWD

Oh.

(pauses)

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

But that evidence ALSO shows that Grace is in fact... OLDER THAN SHE SAID!

CROWD

NOT SURE HOW THAT AFFECTS ANYTHING REALLY BUT FUCK IT WE LOVE BREAKING SHIT

(pointedly don red baseball caps)

(double-riot)

GRACE VANDERWAAL

(makes Pat Benatar video)

EXT. ADAM'S SKY OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY

NATHALIE finds ADAM in his very open-concept office, the one literally up in the sky made of girders suspended by ropes fastened to the upper atmosphere, IT'S A FABLE OKAY SHEESH

ADAM DRIVER

That was a rough night, I got shitfaced and beat up and I've lost my time-freeze power. Goddamn it, an amazing timestop power hasn't been this badly wasted since "Heroes".

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

But wait! Perhaps what this great man needs to reignite his creativity is the love of a hot babe, gosh we're just FULL of new ideas.

Inspired by NATHALIE, ADAM manages to stop time again, YAY! They SMOOCH and thus commence their WORKING RELATIONSHIP WITH BENEFITS!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

(at home, bolting upright in bed)

Ohmigod I just had a vivid dream of a ghostly hand grabbing the Moon. Which can only mean one thing... NAT is getting LUCKY TO-NITE, oh yeah! You GET it girl! I just hope it's not my mortal enemy or anything. Of course she and Adam HAVE been spending a lot of time together lately, and he IS the star of the movie AW FUCKITY CRAP

INT. ADAM'S LAMEOID INTERIOR OFFICES WITH CEILINGS AND WALLS AND SHIT

ADAM and NATHALIE are busy generating all kinds of marvellous new applications of Coppolum!

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Look I fused Coppolum to an injured dog, now its leg healed AND it has Talia Shire in a small role!

ADAM DRIVER

And I'M getting our staff to make weird human pyramids! Which is just as important as your huge medical breakthrough, yep.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

(rushing in)

Fuck's sake I need to fucking do something!! Um, okay listen up, there's a Soviet satellite about to crashland, we all thought it would hit Canada so it was like "fuck them who cares" but now it's gonna hit US instead OH NO!!! There, I mattered!

(waves to camera)

CCCP SATELLITE

IN SOVIET MEGALOPOLIS, SATELLITE SIGNAL BOUNCES OFF YOU

(KABOOMSKI!!)

INT. ADAM'S TRIPPY HEADSPACE

ADAM DRIVER

Now that we've ramped things up with a giant explosion taking out a huge chunk of the city, time for some PRETTY PRETTY IMAX PICTURES with plants and fractals and bears, oh my! Observe my formidable LIGHTSQUARE!! It's a T-square but also a lightsaber you see.

(clears throat)

Moving on, here is some breathtaking concept art of my amazing future city, witness its glory! And if this whole Megalopolis thing doesn't work out they'll at least make fairly decent Zoom backgrounds.

INT. ADAM AND NATHALIE'S PLACE AKA MINILOPOLIS

NATHALIE reveals she is PREGGERS, and so the happy couple invite MR AND MRS GIANCARLO over for dinner to try and mend fences.

ADAM DRIVER

Thank you for coming over. I thought a nice light game of cards would help break the ice, perhaps Happy City (Toshiki Sato & Airu Sato, 2021) would be thematically appropriate?

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Hm, well I still have doubts whether the city you're designing will, indeed, be a Happy one. In point of fact, to quote Rousseau, your city SUCKS DONKEY BALLS.

ADAM DRIVER

Well in the words of the immortal Petrarch, why don't you EAT SHIT.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

Oh boys, try to behave! As Marcus Aurelius wisely said, SIDDOWN AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING TURN ALREADY.

NATHALIE'S MOM

This is why I suggested Castle Combo (Gregory Grard & Mathieu Roussel, 2024) instead.

And so the party ends POORLY with the various fences remaining UNMENDED.

EXT. TEMPUS SQUARE, NEW NOT NEW YORK

Meanwhile SHIA has been rallying crowds to his side with a combination of EMPTY POPULIST SLOGANS and NAZI SYMBOLS and NEW CURRENCY BASED ON AWFUL PUNS none of which would ever work in our reality, nope, no way.

SHIA LABEOUF

Oh yeah and also we casually killed off Dustin Hoffman in a half-second flashback, that character sure warranted a big-name actor huh. But my cousin Adam Driver still vexes me! Ahem, will no-one rid me of this troublesome fucking cousin? Ooooo, historical shoutout.

(winks)

INT. ADAM'S BROODING QUARTERS

ADAM'S brooding session is interrupted by GIANCARLO.

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Adam, if you leave my daughter I'll give you this signed confession that my prosecution of you was crooked and unethical. I couldn't reveal this while Dustin was alive, since he helped, but now that he's dead fuck that asshole's reputation amirite?

(hands over damning evidence)

ADAM DRIVER

How very Commissioner Gordon in Dark Knight Rises of you, I should have Bane read this to the city. But no, I love Nathalie and I'm not leaving her. I couldn't face myself if I did. Instead, I shall continue to gaze lovingly at her face with my eyes, which are securely nestled inside my face. Now why don't you about-face and go home before you lose face, which rest assured, I certainly shall NOT do.

However THAT NIGHT one of SHIA'S THUGS hires a KID to SHOOT ADAM IN THE FACE! ...oh, which then HAPPENS!

INT. EMERGENCY SURGERY ROOM

NATHALIE and a team of dedicated surgeons OH HEY THERE'S JAMES REMAR WHOOPS YOU MISSED HIM work frantically to try and save ADAM.

SURGEON

It's not really that bad, if you look carefully Adam only lost

(checks)

half of his entire head. So I'm optimistic.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

I can regrow it with Coppolum! The only side effects should be another long montage of surreal images and overly repeated dialogue, which to be fair, are the side effects of almost anything we do anyway.

In this particular montage it is revealed how COPPOLUM was actually created out of ADAM'S DEAD WIFE by carefully combining ETHEREAL LIGHT and WHISPERED SYLLABLES and NAKED BOOBS with maybe a pinch of nutmeg, your call.

SURGEON

Yay it worked! Just remember Adam, it will take a few days to recover from the surgery, during which time you will be Darkman.

ADAM DRIVER

(nods)

(bandages head)

(puts on loose black suit, cape)

(imitates Larry Drake perfectly)

INT. JON VOIGHT'S HOUSE

ADAM discovers his BANK ACCOUNTS are FROZEN OH NO, and also his OVERACTING ACCOUNT is TOTALLY UNFROZEN!

ADAM DRIVER

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NOOOOOO NO NO NOOOOO

(pause)

Pretty sure that's gonna be the Razzie clip right there.

AUBREY PLAZA

(entering)

Oh fuck those Razzie idiots, it's a bunch of trolls who nominate the same five movies for twelve variations on the same award. "Worst Actor, this guy. Worst Relationship, this guy and his acting. Worst Choreography, this guy trying to act." BLECH. ANYhoo, I have Voight under my hypnotic control and I've frozen your accounts until you come back to me.

ADAM DRIVER

Well let me think about it NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

AUBREY PLAZA

OKAY WAIT wait, what if I also offered... this shiny necklace?

(holds necklace like pendulum)

See how it HYPNOTICALLY sways? Maybe you'd also like some tea?

(stirs tea GET OUT style)

Or perhaps this ringmaster's hat with the swirly circle is more appealing--

JON VOIGHT

(stumbles into room, rambling incoherent gibberish)

IMMA SAVE HOLLYWOOD WITH STALLONE AND GIBSON BLURGH BLARGH DROOL FART

ADAM DRIVER

(snapping out of it)

Hm? Wha? Sorry WOW, I'm not playing that game. Oh did everyone check out my glowy sci-fi face?

(unbandages head)

But don't worry VFX crew, by next scene it'll be back to my regular face.

(leaves)

AUBREY PLAZA

Damn, well so much for the hypnosis gambit.

(throws away 40 tons of magician's gear)

Enraged, AUBREY arranges a secret meeting with SHIA to hatch a new plan.

AUBREY PLAZA

I was thinking we could use corporate shenanigans to give you control of the board of directors of the bank and then use the financial leverage to merger the monetary instruments of the zzzzz

SHIA LABEOUF

(bangs cymbals together)

WAKE UP EVERYONE quick, let's redo this scene while also fucking and playing weird psychosexual games so the audience doesn't fall asleep, cool?

AUBREY PLAZA

Only if the plan also involves showing Voight's saggy tits. Whaddya say Jon?

JON VOIGHT

As long as we also include my BONER, heh heh heh. I said boner.

AUBREY PLAZA

Um unless you had your cock surgically replaced with a barbecue skewer, that is clearly a weapon being held under a sheet.

JON VOIGHT

Fine it's a bow and arrow, which I now release with my withered puny strength!

AUBREY PLAZA

(shot clean through)

Oh come on, how the fuck could you shoot with enough force to pierce my flimsy fucking dress, never mind the rest of me

(dies)

SHIA flees while taking multiple arrows in LABUTT!

JON VOIGHT

Heh heh hollywood is saved. Boner.

EXT. OUTSIDE NUNTIUS CITY MUSIC ATRIUM AT CORNER OF VITH AVE AND LTH ST.

Large crowds celebrate the holiday of SATURNALIA, which combines CHRISTMAS and HANNUKAH and LOTS MORE IMAX SPLIT-SCREEN OOOOH! ADAM and NATHALIE have got married, but their revelry is cut short by SHIA'S ANGRY MOB storming the boundaries of the MEGALOPOLIS site!

ADAM DRIVER

Well shit, guess I gotta do a Big Final Speech.

(leaps onto nearby stage, his voice magically projected to entire city)

Ahem. Man! Love! Destiny! Time! Hope! Courage! Time! Soul! Time!

(montage of Hitler, 9/11, Statue of Liberty, all the classics)

Our true utopia is one of Conversation! You must debate me! We must all have a huge giant debate about the future involving every last single person on Earth, surely to be the most productive thing ever!

(long pause)

Hey remember when I did Hamlet earlier? That was cool right?

CROWD

(cheering)

WE ARE ALL THOROUGHLY CONVINCED! HOORAY FOR ADAM! WE LOVE ADAM! FUCK YOU LABEOUF

(string up Shia from pole)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(voice-overing portentiously)

Yay!

ADAM DRIVER

Huzzah, we've won! We shall continue building Megalopolis, with its Jurassic Park bubble cars and swoopy bridges and trees and M.C. Escher ribbon buildings. But there is still much to do! We must build a noble future... for our baby.

NATHALIE EMMANUEL

And so we shall! But first let us savour this moment, by stopping time.

They STOP TIME and freeze ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING including THEMSELVES, with the sole exception of THE BABY, now the only conscious being in a frozen world, trapped and alone until they grow up and learn by pure accident to snap their fingers, that being the only way we've seen for TIME to get UNFROZEN.

THE BABY

Uh... so am I fucked or what?

END