In what was perhaps an excess of caution over COVID-19, Rachel and Channing spent their quarantine distance Eskimo-kissing.

THE VOW

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CHICAGO

CHANNING TATUM and RACHEL MCADAMS are in LOVE.

CHANNING TATUM

I love you.

RACHEL MCADAMS

I love you too.

CHANNING TATUM

I love you infinity.

RACHEL MCADAMS

I love you infinity times a million.

CHANNING TATUM

I love you more than my own pecs.

RACHEL MCADAMS

I love you too much to keep my seatbelt on and not cause any distractions while you're driving.

TRUCK

OH MY GOD NOBODY LIKES THIS COUPLE JUST STFU

(rams their car)

RACHEL goes flying through the WINDSHIELD!

INT. HOSPITAL

CHANNING stays by the bedside of the comatose RACHEL and her NEARLY SCRATCH-FREE FACE.

CHANNING TATUM (VO)

Here's some bullshit about life and moments and stuff that could have come out of the diary of a 13-year-old who just got her first period. Honestly, we're not even trying with this voiceover, but what else do you expect from a Nicholas Sparks adaptation?

NICHOLAS SPARKS (VO)

What? I have nothing to do with this movie. Someone's trying to steal my bit.

CHANNING TATUM (VO)

Are you sure? I mean, Rachel and I have both been in your movies. This is all very familiar.

NICHOLAS SPARKS (VO)

Think about it, Channing. You're a music producer who lives in a major city. If this were one of my movies, you'd be a furniture maker who lives in Epcot North Carolina.

CHANNING TATUM (VO)

Oh. Okay, I see your point.

NICHOLAS SPARKS (VO)

Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an attorney to call.

(leaves)

RACHEL MCADAMS

(wakes up)

Who are you?

CHANNING TATUM

Who am I? How can you not remember me? I'm the man you love more than blueberry pancakes and those giant corium masses you call sculptures!

RACHEL MCADAMS

Oh. Well, I guess this is a pretty sweet deal, since you look a lot like... what's that actor's name? Charlie Hunnam?

CHANNING TATUM

...No.

RACHEL's wealthy parents, SAM NEILL and JESSICA LANGE, show up.

SAM NEILL

And who might you be?

(signs check)

CHANNING TATUM

What? Is amnesia hereditary or something?

JESSICA LANGE

No, apparently it's sexually transmitted, because you seem to have forgotten that Rachel has parents who might want to know about her medical condition.

(sips martini)

DR. WENDY CREWSON

Now that you're all here, what's best for Rachel is to go back to her normal life.

SAM NEILL

Her normal life with us, of course.

(lights cigar)

CHANNING TATUM

I don't think that's a good idea. Shouldn't she go back to her immediately pre-amnesia life?

JESSICA LANGE

No, she should go back to her pre-point-of-memory-break life.

(plays with pearls)

CHANNING TATUM

But the doctor said--

SAM NEILL

No, the doctor said--

CHANNING TATUM

I heard the doctor say--

JESSICA LANGE

The doctor CLEARLY said--

DR. WENDY CREWSON

HOW ABOUT YOU PIPE DOWN AND I CAN TELL YOU WHAT THE FUCK I SAID.

They all fall silent.


Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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