FADE IN:

EXT. FLORIDA

There are various shots of ALLIGATORS. The ALLIGATORS are cold-blooded PREDATORS. They are WILD THINGS.

STEVE THE ALLIGATOR

(sighs)

Say Jim, you ever get the feeling that all you are is a really obvious metaphor?

JIM THE ALLIGATOR

You mean like there’s a screenwriter out there who only just heard about symbolism this morning, and got all excited and wrote the first thing that came to his head?

STEVE THE ALLIGATOR

Yeah, like that. That’s how I’m feeling right now, like I’m just this really dumb hamfisted piece of visual shorthand that’s gonna be used over and over again in a movie that’s way less clever than it thinks it is.

JIM THE ALLIGATOR

We’ve all had days like that.

Meanwhile, MATT DILLON is a HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR.

MATT DILLON

Ah, it’s a good day to be a guy who has a squeaky-clean reputation and is a respected member of the community.

STUDENTS

You’re the best, Mr. Dillon! We all love you!

MATT DILLON

Thanks, kids!

STUDENTS’ MOMS

You’re also the HOTTEST, Mr. Dillon! We all want to fuck you senseless!

MATT DILLON

(looks in mirror)

Uh - really? Okay, whatever! Man, being emotionally close to the high school kids, and being apparently eminently bangable, it’s a great life! I just hope those two things don’t overlap in any way, because if they do, hoo boy-

Suddenly, scantily-clad teenager DENISE RICHARDS attaches herself to him like a particularly amorous octopus.

DENISE RICHARDS

Heeeeyyy Mr. Dillon.

(bats eyes)

(bites lip)

(sheds four layers of clothing)

MATT DILLON

(gently peels her off)

Uh. Hey there Denise.

(scooches her to a safe distance with a ten-foot pole)

Is there anything I can help you with, in a strictly professional capacity, my esteemed associate?

DENISE RICHARDS

I was wondering if you could give me a ride in your car. And by “a ride” in “your car” I mean-

MATT DILLON

YOU MEAN YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE DRIVEN HOME IN MY AUTOMOBILE YES OKAY, HEY MALE STUDENT CORY PENDERGAST WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME, ALSO NEVE CAMPBELL, EVERYBODY IS WELCOME

(crams car full of people)

YES CAR POOLING IS VERY EFFICIENT, WONDERFUL SUGGESTION DENISE.

DENISE RICHARDS

(shoved in trunk)

Er... yes. By the way Mr. Dillon, would you like me to come round to your place later and wash your car? And by “wash” your “car” I mean-

MATT DILLON

STOP TRYING TO MAKE MY CAR INTO A EUPHEMISM, “CAR” ISN’T A EUPHEMISM FOR ANYTHING!!!

(sighs)

Look Denise, this little crush of yours is cute and all, but this is the late nineties, Mary Kay Letourneau JUST happened and there’s a bit of a political climate going on. Anybody who works at a school has to be super extra careful to avoid even the tiniest hint of impropriety. Even a one-way flirtation looks bad. Even large amounts of time spent in one student’s presence looks bad.

(accidentally is alone with Denise for two minutes)

DENISE RICHARDS

RAAAAPE!!! RAPE, EVERYBODY! RAPE JUST HAPPENED!!

MATT DILLON

...That too, yes. That also is frowned upon.

DENISE RICHARDS

Yes, my guidance counsellor just raped me! OR DID HE??? Whatever happened wasn’t shown on screen, so it’s ambiguous, oooohhhh!

MATT DILLON

Ambiguous? What, to the audience? Do you really expect the audience to entertain the possibility that I really did assault you, considering that in every preceding scene I was practically cowering up a tree while you tried to hump my leg?

DENISE RICHARDS

Well maybe we’re trying to challenge that exact attitude, you ever think of that? Maybe the point is that just being a sexual person doesn’t count as general consent allowing anybody to do anything to, with, or in my body.

MATT DILLON

Maybe, BUT maybe what we’re ACTUALLY making a point about is the fact that a man can have the most unimpeachable record and the most sterling character references, but a single accusation, no matter how unsubstantiated, is enough to nullify it all!

DENISE RICHARDS

Yes, that’s also possible. I guess what this movie is trying to say depends entirely upon whether or not the rape actually happened, so... seems like something the audience probably needs to know?

MATT DILLON

(claps hands)

Oh, I know! Maybe the REAL point we’re trying to make is that rape is TERRIBLE, and false rape accusations are TERRIBLE, and the fact that it can be literally impossible to tell the difference means we live in a nightmare world where nobody is safe and justice is impossible!

DENISE RICHARDS

It’s pretty weighty stuff, whatever we’re dealing with. Unless of course there’s some THIRD explanation for all this, a trashy crime thriller one which is just throwing all these serious social issues around as a cheap smoke screen.

INT. POLICE STATION

Detectives KEVIN BACON and DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA are watching a VIDEOTAPE of DENISE talking about getting RAPED by MATT.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

She’s lying.

KEVIN BACON

Is not!

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

IS TOO! Don’t you see how unconvincing she is when she says this stuff? The fake tears, the stilted emotions?

KEVIN BACON

Oh, that’s just because she’s being played by Denise Richards.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

Well I think Denise is lying, dagnabbit! And I’m gonnna just stand around, thinking that. At no point will I ever push the plot in any direction, I’m just going to hang around having opinions.

(pause)

Fun fact: despite being such a waste of space, when you rewatch this movie I become the most engaging and relatable character. Because by that time you know that aside from me and Denise’s bitchy mom, every damn character in this movie is just playing an elaborate game of make-believe and not a single real thing is even happening.

THERESA RUSSELL

And I am that bitchy mom! Prepare to loathe me as I heinously believe all of Denise’s accusations without bothering to get Matt’s side of the story!

MATT DILLON

What? That doesn’t make you a bitch. What kind of terrible mother wouldn’t believe her daughter when she comes home crying and saying she was raped?

THERESA RUSSELL

Oh yeah. Okay, but I ALSO am gonna use my vast wealth and social position to pressure the school into suspending you, how about THAT?

MATT DILLON

Uh, I should definitely hope the school would suspend any employee who is being investigated on charges of raping one of the students. I mean, how could I even perform my duties while these allegations are unresolved?

THERESA RUSSELL

Okay FINE, but I’ll also make sure that uh, the rich people treat you all snooty and say they don’t want you at the fancy clubs and stuff!

MATT DILLON

(shrugs)

Well that’s not totally fair I guess, maybe a little unreasonable, but under the circumstances it’s understandable that you’d-

THERESA RUSSELL

OH FUCK IT, let’s just say I have my boyfriend run your car off the road and beat the living snot out of you.

MATT DILLON

(getting pounded to shit)

There ya go!

THERESA RUSSELL

Also no lawyer in all of Florida will dare go against my rich rich family in court to defend you, so there’s that. Although that’s not so much something I’m doing as just a thing that’s happening because I’m rich.

MATT DILLON

Damn. Guess I’ll just have to take my chances with a public defender then.

(scratches chin)

ALTHOUGH... what if I found a totally cheap, disreputable lawyer who was desperate enough to take on such a case as mine? Surely that would remove the stench of sleaze from me!

BILL MURRAY

(sleazing)

I, the scummiest bottom-feeder in the entire legal profession, will take your case! I’m committing insurance fraud right now as we speak!

(sleazes up the whole world with his sleaze)

MATT DILLON

Perfect!

INT. COURTHOUSE

NEVE CAMPBELL is testifying against MATT.

NEVE CAMPBELL

Before he raped Denise, Matt also raped me! You know we’re both telling the truth because we both know Matt’s secret rape catchphrase!

BILL MURRAY

Interesting, but did you know that perjury is a thing?

NEVE CAMPBELL

Ulp! Well to avoid being convicted of perjury, I better admit to having lied my ass off under oath. We made it all up! Denise was pissed off because Matt wouldn’t fuck her, and I was pissed off because this one time I tried to call him on the phone and he wasn't home, so we plotted to destroy his entire life!

BILL MURRAY

Aha! Such a plausible explanation!

MATT is found not guilty! He and BILL drive off in victory, singing along to the song “LOUIE LOUIE”, which sounds so much like the song “WILD THING” that it honestly feels like the MUSIC SUPERVISOR simply FUCKED UP.

BILL MURRAY

And the best part is, now we can sue Denise’s family for all the crap she put you through!

MATT DILLON

Well we could try. But considering I’m broke, and Denise’s family is rich, powerful and connected, they could easily drag a civil case out for years, and even then we might not-

BILL MURRAY

While you were saying all that, they settled out of court for five million bucks.

MATT DILLON

Well that was unlikely.

MATT gets his MONEY, but still winds up QUITTING HIS JOB and LEAVING TOWN.

MATT DILLON

Well, what a bittersweet little tale of the chaos a single lie can cause. Bit on the short side, but not bad overall.

(bumps into technician)

Whoops, sorry buddy - say, what’s that you’re setting up there? Is that a state-of-the-art Hollywood Plot Twist Generator?

TECHNICIAN

(stepping in front of machine)

...No.

MATT drives to a MOTEL. When he enters his room, he finds... DENISE and NEVE waiting for him with a BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE!

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

BEEP BOOP THEY WERE ALL IN ON IT IT WAS A SCAM

MATT DILLON

(sprouting devil horns)

MWA HA HA, our plan to get five million dollars out of Denise’s family has succeeded!

DENISE RICHARDS

(twirling moustache)

Yes, for those of you in the audience who have been wondering which of us was the sympathetic protagonist, the answer is NOT A DAMN ONE OF US!

NEVE CAMPBELL

(being played by John Malkovich)

That’s right, we’re all pure evil, and our entire personalities have been fake the whole time! This isn’t alienating for the audience at all!

MATT DILLON

ORGY TIME!

They all COLLAPSE into a BIG BALL OF SEX. DENISE gets her TITS OUT and lets MATT rub his ENTIRE BODY ALL OVER THEM, but NEVE has a BETTER AGENT and just has to bare part of her back before the scene fades out.

Meanwhile the TWIST GENERATOR gives off a loud BANG noise and emits some acrid smoke. The TECHNICIAN eyes it warily.

INT. POLICE STATION

KEVIN BACON

Okay fine, as the only sympathetic character left in the whole damn movie, I guess I should step up and become the protagonist.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

Excuse me?!

KEVIN BACON

Oh, I’m sorry, I meant the only sympathetic character who's worth a damn.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

That’s more like it!

KEVIN goes to intimidate NEVE.

KEVIN BACON

I know you and Matt and Denise are in cahoots. You should rat them out, because now that you’ve served your purpose they’re surely going to murder you.

NEVE CAMPBELL

Um, what? That doesn’t follow at all. You think just because somebody commits fraud, you can also assume they’re bound to commit murders also?

KEVIN BACON

Oh come on, you know that in Hollywood crime thrillers all crimes escalate to murder eventually!

NEVE CAMPBELL

Oh fuck, you’re right! PANIC MODE!

NEVE runs to see DENISE.

NEVE CAMPBELL

PLEASE DON’T MURDER ME! I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED!

DENISE RICHARDS

You seem stressed. Would it help if I got naked? That’s pretty much my default solution to everything.

NEVE CAMPBELL

I’ll take it!

(turns to movie’s marketing department)

Oh and you guys, I know lesbian sex scenes smell like money to you, but the very fact that Denise and I are even on the same side is a huge fucking plot twist, remember? So keep it on the down-low!

MARKETING DEPARTMENT

Of course! Your secret is safe with us.

(writing trailer narration)

“In a world where lesbian stuff happens, two lesbians will risk it all to lesbian the lesbian lesbians...”

Meanwhile KEVIN has FILMED THE WHOLE THING. He takes it back to the STATION.

KEVIN BACON

See, look, this proves that the two people who already admitted in a court of law to being in cahoots with one another, are in cahoots with one another!

POLICE CHIEF

Holy FUCK, Kevin, did you honestly trespass illegally on Denise’s property and then secretly film her having sex? That’s a straight-up crime! You’re so fired, and criminal charges will have to be-

KEVIN BACON

Chief. Did you not get the memo about me turning from the detective character, to the detective PROTAGONIST?

POLICE CHIEF

Oh. Right. In that case, YOU’RE A LOOSE CANON BACON, YOU’RE OFF THE CASE, I’VE GOT THE MAYOR BREATHING DOWN MY NECK and so forth.

EXT. DESERTED BEACH

MATT, DENISE and NEVE arrive in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

MATT DILLON

Neve, Denise told me you were worried we might do something silly like murder you. So to set your mind at ease I thought I’d take you to this creepy secluded location at night. Care to walk with me to a place where your screams will be lost to the blackness? I’ll carry the blunt implement!

NEVE CAMPBELL

Sure, why not!

DENISE RICHARDS

Heh heh heh, this is absolutely a thing that Neve would fall for. Ho ho ho, while I wait here in the car for what will turn out to be a curiously long time, I can rest assured that her murder is absolutely taking place.

MATT DILLON

That’s right! And when I bring back Neve’s, er, “body”, be a doll and not touch it or look too closely at it okay? Thanks!

MATT and NEVE go off and then there is a slo-mo shot of a CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE clubbing... something? Not NEVE, spoiler alert, but some kind of... thing... with blood in it. I dunno.

INT. POLICE STATION

KEVIN BACON

I found teeth on the beach! Bet you anything if we have them analyzed, it’ll turn out they’re Neve’s and she got murdered!

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

Do you suppose that forensic analysis would also be able to tell us if those teeth weren’t bashed out of her mouth but were in fact pulled out with pliers, thus raising all sorts of questions?

KEVIN BACON

Uhhh, how about I go question Denise.

(leaves, comes back)

Well she pulled a gun on me and I had to kill her, so that could’ve gone better.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

Huh. Funny how so many of the important plot points of this movie are happening completely offscreen.

KEVIN BACON

You mean exactly like that rape that happened offscreen, which was done for the sake of a big twist? Yeah that’s kinda weird and we should all probably not think read too much into it.

POLICE CHIEF

YOU’RE OUT OF LINE, BACON! GIVE ME YOUR BADGE AND GUN!

KEVIN leaves the POLICE FORCE.

INT. MOTEL ROOM

MATT DILLON comes home to his MOTEL ROOM to find... KEVIN IS IN THE SHOWER!

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

BLOOP BLOOP KEVIN’S ALSO IN ON THE WHOLE SCAM THING

(important-looking part falls off)

KEVIN BACON

Ha ha, you thought this movie actually had a single relatable lead after all, didn’t you? Nope, I’m evil too! Oh and for anybody disappointed by the imbalance in full-frontal nudity, enjoy some Bacon dong, llllladies!

MATT DILLON

Woah, so are you and I gonna... I mean, are we pandering to all demographics, sex scene-wise, then?

KEVIN BACON

The marketing guys say they can’t do anything with that, so no dice.

MATT DILLON

Fine then, no funny business then. Now let’s follow through with our plan to sail off into the sunset together. Just the two of us, scantily clad on a yacht.

(frowns)

Are you SURE-

KEVIN BACON

Yes!

They go sailing away with all their money. But then MATT pushes KEVIN off the BOAT!

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

WHRRRR AND MATT WAS PLANNING TO BETRAY KEVIN ANYWAY WHRRRRR

KEVIN BACON

(clawing his way back on board)

You jerk! I oughta-

(shot by Neve)

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

AND NEVE’S STILL ALIVE BBZZZZTTT

(makes ominous grinding noise)

NEVE CAMPBELL

Yes, I’m alive and I’m killing you, Kevin! Serves you right for killing my friend Davie!

EXT. ALLIGATOR FARM

ALLIGATOR FARMER

Yessir, Neve sure did hate Kevin for killing her friend Davie.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

(looking around)

Wha - what the hell scene is this? What are we doing?

ALLIGATOR FARMER

You’ve gotten suspicious about all the stuff that happened, and you’re investigating, so that we can fill the audience in about all the remaining plot details.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

But the audience could already figure out that Davie thing from what Neve just said!

ALLIGATOR FARMER

Well maybe next time they cut back to us we’ll have something less obvious to contribute.

EXT. OCEAN

NEVE and MATT are sailing. NEVE hands MATT a DRINK, which he eyes suspiciously.

NEVE CAMPBELL

What? You don’t trust me?

MATT DILLON

Well it just seems like every damn character in this movie has been betraying every other character in this movie nonstop for the entire runtime thus far. Kinda feels like it’d be stupid to trust anyone or anything at this point. Plus that thing there seems to be on the fritz...

(nervously glances at plot twist generator)

NEVE CAMPBELL

Ah but you forget, I still need you to drive the boat! Surely if I insist I don’t know how to sail, I must be telling the truth.

MATT DILLON

Well... okay I guess...

(raises glass to lips)

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

...

MATT DILLON

(slowly allows liquid enter mouth)

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

.....

MATT DILLON

(swallows)

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

ALSO NEVE IS POISONING MATT BLZZLZZARP

MATT DILLON

Oh fuck you both!

(dies)

NEVE then proceeds to effortlessly SAIL THE BOAT.

EXT. ALLIGATOR FARM

ALLIGATOR FARMER

So now I reveal that Neve - brace yourself for this - KNOWS HOW TO SAIL A BOAT!

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

(long sigh)

ALLIGATOR FARMER

Er, what if I also reveal that Neve is super smart? You never would have guessed that the mastermind behind an elaborate crime plot was smart, right? Experts tested her and they say she has like a one million IQ and could pretty much do anything!

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

Anything. So, she could have been president, or CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or held like a thousand lucrative patents or made a killing on the stock market or all of the above. But instead she decided to pretend to be a lying perjuring bitch, fake her own death, yank her own teeth out, murder a bunch of people and be permanently separated from everybody she ever cared about?

ALLIGATOR FARMER

I guess so. Dumbest genius I ever heard of.

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

Oh well whatever, let’s just end the movie real quick before they try to unload any more plot twists on us.

END.

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

(giving off thick black smoke)

DDZZZRRZZZZT AND NEVE WAS BLACKMAILING MATT THE WHOLE TIME ZZZFFTTT

NEVE CAMPBELL

What the fuck? These are the closing credits! You can’t put plot twists here, what the hell is wrong with you?

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

(shooting two-foot sparks)

GGGRRRRCCCCHHHHHKKKK ALSO KEVIN DIDN’T KILL DENISE IN SELF-DEFENSE HE FAKED IT SO HE COULD MURDER HER GGDGGDGDGGGGGCCHHHH

DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA

The movie is OVER! Cut it OUT!

PLOT TWIST GENERATOR

(vibrating violently)

BBRRRBZZZTTTZZZZTTT AND BILL WAS WORKING FOR NEVE ZZZZZAAAAIIIEEEEEE

NEVE CAMPBELL

IT’S GONNA BLOW!! LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF-

The PLOT TWIST GENERATOR EXPLODES, killing the few characters who weren’t DEAD YET.

END.