"I've got all my teeth. Go ahead, have a look!"

BODY HEAT

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

EXT. FLORIDA

We begin in the middle of a sweltering HEAT WAVE. Our protagonist, sweaty WILLIAM HURT, meets equally sweaty KATHLEEN TURNER.

WILLIAM HURT

I'm a small town lawyer and a conflicted anti hero. Let's converse about how badly I want to have sex with you.

KATHLEEN TURNER

I am the embodiment of pure lust. And since this is a neo-noir film, I will talk very wistfully with my smokey voice. Also no, I'm married.

WILLIAM HURT

Don't care. Let me try and convince you otherwise by buying you a snow cone we barely eat and is clearly just for scene blocking purposes.

KATHLEEN TURNER

Oh darn, I've spilled it on my breast!

(actual line)

You don't want to lick it?

WILLIAM HURT

Yes obviously I do! Let's do this!

KATHLEEN TURNER

Just kidding the answer is still no.

(leaves)

WILLIAM'S BONER

Pursue her relentlessly.

A few days later, he finds her at a BAR, where they talk about their OVERT SEXUAL TENSION. Then he follows her home to her BIG ASS MANSION where they continue their OVERT SEXUAL TENSION.

WILLIAM HURT

Neat, even rich people's AC's are broken. So yeah, you wanna bang or what?

KATHLEEN TURNER

(wistfully)

Well I can't lie, I am very attracted to men who look like they're covered in PAM cooking spray. I feel a lust that can inspire a thousand romantic songs!

WILLIAM HURT

Me too. In fact, it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.

KATHLEEN TURNER

I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.

(beat)

But we mustn't!

WILLIAM HURT

Fine, I'll leave then. Your loss though, this mustache was built for sitting on.

KATHLEEN closes the door and WILLIAM gazes at her through the window. Music swells, while their SEXUAL TENSION still lingers. WILLIAM makes a circle with his index finger and thumb and sticks his other index finger inside it.

KATHLEEN TURNER

(shrugs)

WILLIAM THRUSTS his hips forward while making a skiing motion with his arms.

KATHLEEN TURNER

Huh?

WILLIAM HURT

OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

WILLIAM HURLS a PATIO CHAIR through the WINDOW to finally GET TO HER!

KATHLEEN TURNER

How am I supposed to explain that to my husband? Whatever, take me darling!

They have FLOOR SEX, the most COMFORTABLE of SEXES.

WILLIAM HURT

And sweaty sex. Don't forget sweaty. Always sweaty!

Sexy saxophone music plays as WILLIAM and KATHLEEN continue to hump the MODESTY PATCHES OFF EACH OTHER.


Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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