The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. A HOUSE OF QUITE AVERAGE VOLUME
ELIZABETH OLSEN helps her FATHER and her UNCLE fix up the house.
Then ELIZABETH and HER CLEAVAGE are left ALONE. In THE DARK. With a LAMP. SPOOOOOOKY!
THIN AIR
BOOOOOOO!!!!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
(running around)
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!
A SHADOW
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
(hiding under things)
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!
A HAND
HOLY SHIT THAT'S SOME NICE CLEAVAGE ALSO BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
(running all over the place)
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
DIRECTORS CHRIS KENTIS AND LAURA LAU
Look! We are filming this all in one shot!
EDITOR
But I thought we agreed to film 10 long takes and edit them together to look like one continuous shot?
DIRECTORS CHRIS KENTIS AND LAURA LAU
Oh great! You just ruined the movie's whole gimmick, jackass!
At the behest of the AUDIENCE yelling "JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE STUPID!" at the SCREEN, ELIZABETH eventually LEAVES the HOUSE...
And runs RIGHT BACK INSIDE because she has A DEATH WISH.
ELIZABETH runs to the BATHROOM where all kinds of REALLY WEIRD SHIT is HAPPENING.
BLEEDING TOILET ON A WALL
MOTHERFUCKINGBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Huh?
A DIRTY BATHTUB
CLEAN MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Okay this is just silly.
ELIZABETH soon realizes she's being chased by HER IMAGINATION.
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Say what?
UNCLE
You have multiple personalities! Like Sybil!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
How?
FATHER
I molested them into you!
UNCLE
And I knew about it and didn't say anything because I am a real bastard! This is a truly shocking plot twist!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
The audience just wasted 88 minutes watching me run away from things that weren't really there. That's not a plot twist, its a fucking insult.
FATHER
Well this IS a remake so it kinda goes without saying.
ELIZABETH OLSEN
I guess I could call the cops, get some professional help, and write an uplifting book that would help other women get through situations similar to mine.
(pause)
Or I could just sledgehammer your brains right the fuck out of your skull.
SHE DOES.
END
ELIZABETH OLSEN'S CLEAVAGE
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!