FADE IN:

EXT. FANTASY ISLAND

MICHAEL PENA and PARISA FITZ-HENLEY await their new guests.

PARISA FITZ-HENLEY

The plane, boss! The plane!

MICHAEL PENA

Smiles, everyone. Smiles.

The PLANE lands and from it emerge LUCY HALE, step-brothers RYAN HANSEN and JIMMY O. YANG, MAGGIE Q, and CHARO AUSTIN STOWELL.

MICHAEL PENA

Welcome... to Fantasy Island. Aaaand we’re out of catchphrases.

(pause)

EVERYONE

(stands around)

MAGGIE Q

(whistles)

BLUMHOUSE

Ugh FINE

(grabs random script fragments, smooshes together, throws at actors)

PARISA FITZ-HENLEY

(picks up tatters)

Ah... hi new guests! As you may have noticed just now, we’re under new management. So if you were expecting one hour of 1970s-TV heartwarming foibles, sorry, get ready for two hours of that Blumhouse shit Blumhouse does. Now let’s do introductions!

LUCY HALE

My fantasy is to get revenge on my high school bully, grr!

RYAN HANSEN & JIMMY O. YANG

Our fantasy is to be super rich and have huge drunken sex parties with supermodels!

MAGGIE Q

My fantasy is to UNDO MY GREATEST REGRET and finally be at PEACE WITH MY MISERABLE EXISTENCE.

AUSTIN STOWELL

My fantasy is to gain CLOSURE WITH MY DEAD FATHER I NEVER KNEW who SACRIFICED HIMSELF FOR HIS FELLOW SOLDIERS.

JIMMY O. YANG

Sorry, ah, did we say drunken sex parties? We meant solving racism.

MICHAEL PENA

The important thing is that the tone of these fantasies will connect seamlessly to each other. Which is important when you’re drastically changing tone from the source material.

RYAN HANSEN

Cool! When will the fantasies begin?

MICHAEL PENA

Almost immediately! But I warn you, you must follow your fantasy to its NATURAL CONCLUSION. Which sometimes will be an ironic twist, other times will be exactly what you intended. Sometimes other fantasies will hijack yours. But PLEASE, remember this crucial rule that means nothing.

(yawns)

Now let's get this shit started since I am clearly having trouble staying awake.

EXT. PARTY VILLAGE

MICHAEL takes RYAN and JIMMY to the big drunken sex party area.

RYAN HANSEN

I will talk a big game but do nothing, because deep down I still haven’t gotten over how shittily the last season of Veronica Mars ended! That was such garbage!!

JIMMY O. YANG

I’ll have tons of gay sex in between the occasional reference to our nuanced backstory, which seems like something we should develop further except OH LOOK JET-SKIS AND RIPPED DUDES WOOAHHHHH

RYAN HANSEN

WOAHHH BIKINI BABES HOLY SHIT WOOOAHHHH seriously though it was SUCH a bullshit ending.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL shows MAGGIE the BIG ORNATE DOUBLE DOORS in his office.

MICHAEL PENA

Through these doors you can fix your greatest regret. And sure, I could take a cheap shot at whatever your lowest-rated IMDB project is, but I’m not exactly one to throw stones here.

MAGGIE Q

Appreciated. But yes, my greatest regret was not accepting a proposal five years ago! Sob! And there’s no way to make this right in real life because

MICHAEL PENA

NO THERE IS NOT, now please proceed!

MAGGIE opens the doors to reveal a FANCY-ASS RESTAURANT with her FORMER BOYFRIEND there!

MAGGIE Q

Wow what an impressive set! You exactly re-created the restaurant where he proposed, and even used a dimensional warp to make it far larger than the building your office is in! That is such great set-building!

MICHAEL PENA

Um this is clearly magic.

MAGGIE Q

And you got my ex-boyfriend to re-enact the scene, something that would be truly bizarre for him to go along with! What great central casting!

MICHAEL PENA

Could you please get on board with this being a magical island.

MAGGIE Q

Uh, I didn’t come to FANTASY island to actively participate in a FANTASY okay?! Sheesh!

EXT. THE ISLAND

Next up is AUSTIN STOWELL also known as SOME GUY if later on we forget to replace that with AUSTIN STOWELL.

MICHAEL PENA

On your information form it says your fantasy is to “be a soldier”. I gotta say it is nice when everyone leaves their fantasies super vague with lots of room for interpretation. Yours CLEARLY means “confront my dead Dad”.

AUSTIN STOWELL

So how do I know when my fantasy has begu-

(captured)

(tied up)

(dragged into jungle)

WHOOPSIE NEVER MIND

MICHAEL PENA

Aw I was gonna say “oh, you’ll know” all mischievous-like. Anyhoo let’s get Lucy off and running, then I can nap.

(naps)

Hmh? Right right, start Lucy, THEN nap.

(naps)

(alarm goes off)

(whacks snooze button)

(naps)

(naps)

HMBMBLLLPH SNORKK wow dozed off there, shit, movie's still going? Where was I. Lucy, right! Sorry everyone.

(naps)

INT. UNDERGROUND SINISTER TORTURE ROOM

Eventually LUCY stops waiting for MICHAEL to wake up and reads ahead to this scene, where she emerges from an ELEVATOR and sees her high school bully, PORTIA DOUBLEDAY, tied to a dentist-style chair behind glass!

LUCY HALE

Oh sweet! What a great hologram! This makes no sense for me to say once you know what the big twist is!

LUCY finds a CONTROL PANEL with lots of BUTTONS.

LUCY HALE

Let’s see what these do... ooh, electric shock, cool! And this one dumps water on her as she writhes in the chair, nice! And this one... makes her slide into frame wearing a white shirt and shades, okay... this button sends her to a small town where dancing is outlawed?!? Who the hell designed this?

Just then an EVIL DENTIST appears in PORTIA’S ROOM and reveals TORTURE SHIT! But at least he’s wearing a proper FACE MASK so it's not like he's a COMPLETE asshole.

LUCY HALE

Oh shit this is real! Must solve this Saw / Escape Room style puzzle to save her, exactly the kind of situation you’d expect to find in Fantasy fucking Island.

LUCY uses the BUTTONS to slide EVIL DENTIST to the small dance-outlawed town while wearing shades!

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

Phew thanks! Who the hell are you anyway?

LUCY HALE

I could say I’m a guest here who stumbled across this room, but that story wouldn’t collapse under a moment’s scrutiny, so let’s go with I was kidnapped too!

LUCY and PORTIA flee into the JUNGLE.

INT. PARTY MANSION

Meanwhile RYAN and JIMMY continue to PARTY.

RYAN HANSEN

(partying)

PAAARRRTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

JIMMY O. YANG

(also partying)

PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY!!!!

RYAN HANSEN

(mega-partying)

BUT SERIOUSLY COULD THEY NOT JUST LET VERONICA AND LOGAN BE HAPPY

EXT. SUNNY BEACH

MAGGIE finds MICHAEL dozing on the beach and wakes him up.

MICHAEL PENA

Oh hello Maggie. Shouldn't you be enjoying this fine day with your... HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER?!?!???

(gestures)

MAGGIE Q

Gasp! Whaa?!? This isn't possible! Fuck's sake can I finally move past the denial stage, that would be nice.

MICHAEL PENA

You see we literally changed history! Now you've been married all this time and have a daughter, and new memories!

MAGGIE Q

Has this caused a ripple effect changing everyone else's timelines, reality, and memories?

MICHAEL PENA

It has not. You'll need to have a serious conversation with your local school board when you get back.

INT. THE JUNGLE

SOME GUY has been captured by a squad of U.S. SOLDIERS including his DEAD DAD, MIKE VOGEL!

MIKE VOGEL

You better explain yourself! Why did we kidnap you mere feet away from a lavish tropical resort? How come you have my dogtags? And a driver's licence with my son's name and birthdate on it? Why is this licence issued decades into my future?

AUSTIN STOWELL

Because I'm your son and either time travel's involved or you are some supernatural doppleganger.

MIKE VOGEL

Oh. Okay.

AUSTIN STOWELL

DAMMIT LISTEN TO ME huh, what? Well that was quick. But listen, this is the mission where you DIED!! This is a huge crisis!!

MIKE VOGEL

How you figure? The real me died in Venezuela, not Fantasy Island. So either the real me has been plucked out of time and is now safe, or I'm a magical construct so why does it matter what happens.

AUSTIN STOWELL

Fuck I dunno, just, like, don't go, but don't NOT go, and don't die even though you're already dead! You gotta be my hero or whatever! Which I already think you are! Shit, just cut to next scene!!

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE JUNGLE

PORTIA and LUCY are fleeing and bump into special guest star MAUREEN MCCORMICK MICHAEL ROOKER!

MICHAEL ROOKER

Hey Lucy how are you enjoying being A GUEST HERE?!

LUCY HALE

FIRST fucking person we find, blows my cover. Look Portia I'm sorry but I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for this, which is that you're a shitty garbage person. No hard feelings?

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

Wait I know you! You're that creepy stalker kid from high school! Voted Most Likely to Introduce a Mind-Meltingly Preposterous Plot Twist!

LUCY HALE

Huh? What? No I wasn't. Anyway what's up Rooker?

MICHAEL ROOKER

You must choose! I can provide either supplies, exposition, or crucial Helicopter Lift cards you'll need to leave the island. Or fuck it, all three!

(hands over Lift cards)

(grins)

So basically this is the Lost island, there's a secret cave with a doohickey power source thingie. When you drink island water it lets the doohickey read your fantasy and make it real. Now take this canteen of island water, you can use it back home to expose this place, whatever that means! Though without the doohickey it will probably seem to be just regular water.

(hands over canteen)

And here have a map of the whole island.

(hands over map)

And you must be famished.

(hands over breakfast burritos)

And y'know what, as a bonus action I'll fight the Evil Torture Dentist who came back and is about to kill everyone

(fights!)

(hurls self and Dentist off cliff!!)

MICHAEL MIGHT BE YOUR HOST BUT HE WAS NEVER YOUR DAADDDYYYYY

(goes splat!)

INT. PARTY MANSION

RYAN and JIMMY continue to PARTY while PARTYING at the PARTY and

RYAN HANSEN

Okay fuck this, I'm calling Pena and demanding that some kind of plot happen to us already.

MICHAEL PENA

(on phone)

Oh I think you'll have plot soon enough. A plot of land that is, where you might dig a grave possibly. I dunno.

(naps)

The party is CRASHED by GUN-TOTING KIM COATES and his EVIL GANG OF GUN-TOTING PURGE-MASKED GOONS!

JIMMY O. YANG

I should have realized, the natural conclusion of having money is constant gunfights and gang warfare!! There's no other way to have money!!!

KIM COATES

Bwah ha ha, WELCOME to FANTA-LOST WEST-ISLAND-WORLD PLUS ESCAPE SAW!!! Now give us all your money!

RYAN HANSEN

I guess since it's fantasy fake money, why not, right? Take as much of this not-real shit as you please and we'll be on our way.

KIM COATES

No but we must also be evil to you!! Guard this one, while I take the small one to the hidden vault room!

However JIMMY leads KIM and a GOON to the secret ARMOURY ROOM instead! He SHOOTS the GOON and threatens KIM with a LIVE GRENADE instead of also shooting him.

JIMMY O. YANG

Now you're going to take me back to my brother, while I disguise myself as a goon by putting on his mask. Note that below the neck, I am wearing the exact same clothes as before, and still have the height and frame of Jimmy O. Yang. I'm hoping your other goons have a version of face-blindness that is instead everything BUT the face.

JIMMY puts his plan in motion, but they come face-to-face with AUSTIN STOWELL, MIKE VOGEL and the SOLDIERS!

MIKE VOGEL

I was gonna be a coward but Austin convinced me to be a big hero and storm this exclusive island resort party mansion instead! DON'T THINK ABOUT IT

A HUGE FIREFIGHT breaks out and RYAN is SHOT DEAD OH SHIT!

MIKE VOGEL

Arrghh Kim Coates and his goons keep getting back up, because they're island-water goop creatures! Wait, me and my men are ALSO island-water goop creatures, why do we stay dead?

(because fuck you that's why!)

Oh.

EXT. THE ISLAND

AUSTIN and JIMMY run for their lives and find LUCY and PORTIA! Then everybody finds MAGGIE Q!

MAGGIE Q

Guys I figured out something super huge! I realized that my REAL greatest regret was not saving some rando from a fire in my apartment building. And what's really weird is, Ryan and Jimmy lived there too! And Austin was a cop outside the building! And you were a scarecrow, and you were a cowardly lion, and...

AUSTIN STOWELL

Wait, how do you know we were all there?

MAGGIE Q

I used the ornate double doors to create a fantasy where I saved the guy! Except it didn't work and he still died. Which means... we're all in someone ELSE'S fantasy, whaaaaa?!?!?

(pause)

Or the island was just pissed off that I switched fantasies. Or the only "natural conclusion" of that fantasy was failure. But let's take a huge leap of illogic that we're ALL IN SOMEONE ELSE'S FANTASY WHAAA?!?

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

So wait, YOU'RE all island water goop creatures?!?

JIMMY O. YANG

No we're real. Some fantasies are fulfilled by creating goop creatures, some by kidnapping people, and some by inviting people with their OWN fantasies which are in turn fulfilled either by goop creatures, or by kidnapping people, or by inviting still MORE people with their OWN fantasies which are in turn fulfilled by-

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

But, but who decides when to kidnap people and when to create goop creatures? Michael Pena? The magical doohickey? Is there a checklist?

LUCY HALE

Let's not worry about that but focus on getting out! In addition to lore and backstory and a map and a sample of island water and saving our lives, Rooker ALSO gave us a phone number of a guy with a plane, who's gonna rescue us! My gosh what a useful character he was.

MAGGIE Q

How'd you manage to call since we established that, as is required of all modern horror, there's no cell signal?

LUCY HALE

We remembered there was a phone in the dentist torture room that we ran away from to try and get help!

AUSTIN STOWELL

And you used that phone to call the plane guy?

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

Well... we called my ex-husband and after ten minutes of apologizing and baring my soul, and making amends with Lucy, HE agreed to call the plane guy. I guess your plan would have been quicker.

JIMMY O. YANG

Cool. But we still gotta figure out how to stay alive until help gets here...

MAGGIE Q

OOH OOH OOH can we destroy the island's power source?? PLEASE can we destroy the power source? I've always wanted to do the "destroy the main power source" routine.

INT. CAVES

Our heroes use ROOKER'S MAP to reach special guest star PAUL WILLIAMS! the CAVE.

LUCY HALE

Okay guys this cave is like SUPER treacherous and confusing, so we really need to NOT split up--

Everyone immediately SPLITS THE FUCK UP like SO FUCKING HARD you'd think they were FLEETWOOD MAC or some shit. They fight many GOOP CREATURES in the form of various CAST MEMBERS and always seem to think they've WON despite the abundant evidence that goop creatures DO NOT FUCKING DIE. Finally MAGGIE comes face-to-face with...

BURNED-UP DUDE

BWAH HA HA it is me, the guy who died in that fire! Summoned to wreak revenge by the TRUE owner of this fantasy! But only after you figured out the someone-else's-fantasy twist!

MAGGIE Q

Ooh, that's gotta be Parisa Fitz-Henley, right? All we know about her is that she's always coughing and really sick, and Pena made a deal with the island to bring back his wife who died of illness, who we've never seen. It's GOTTA be her.

BURNED-UP DUDE

Um no, the audience figured out she's Pena's dead wife in goop form, like an hour ago. And we also saw a framed photo of me in the luggage OF--

LUCY HALE

SURPRISE BITCHES I'M EVIL!!

(stabs Austin)

(kicks Jimmy in groin)

(cancels GLOW)

And yeah, I'm gonna play this like I was literally just handed a "Surprise! You're evil!" card and totally switch gears like I was a whole new character that just beamed in at this very moment. Because why the fuck not, right?

MAGGIE Q

So we're all here for your revenge fantasy. Which means the island arranged for us to win those contests to get us here, and also cleared our schedules so we could come?

LUCY HALE

I guess so. Except I had Portia kidnapped so I could take double revenge on her.

JIMMY O. YANG

So you could have had us ALL kidnapped and gone straight to the getting revenge part... oh fuck's sake, can someone throw the grenade in the doohickey already?

LUCY HALE

A-HA, I took it, and have tossed it in the water, pin intact! Now nothing can stop my revenge! Which eventually I will get around to I promise.

MICHAEL PENA

(walks in, yawns)

Oh hey gang. How's the movie going?

SOME GUY

Not great, to be honest.

MICHAEL PENA

Oh, well sorry I can't help since it would negate my deal with the island.

(leaves)

PARISA FITZ-HENLEY

(coughing up blood)

Y'know, endlessly dying is not really my idea of a good time. Maybe you should help.

MICHAEL PENA

Okay I'll help.

(returns)

Hey Portia, if you drink the island water Rooker gave you, you get a fantasy. Just saying.

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

What, this water? In this canteen right here?

MICHAEL PENA

Yep, that water right there.

LUCY HALE

Oh gosh, she better not drink that water. If only me or the small army of goop creatures under my control, standing right beside her, could somehow stop her from drinking that water. Dangit.

PORTIA DOUBLEDAY

(drinks water)

Cool. Now I can wish for anything. I could wish us all home and safe right now. I could wish like Maggie to change history so none of this ever happened. But I'll settle for wishing Burned-Up Guy attacks Lucy.

BURNED-UP GUY

AND THUS YOUR WISH IS GRANTED, ALSO HERE'S THE LIVE GRENADE BECAUSE THAT IS THE NATURAL CONCLUSION OF YOUR FANTASY

JIMMY O. YANG

SHIT! I sure hope one of us hero-worships their Dad who threw himself on a grenade and would love to follow their example, SOME GUY!

(winks)

(nudges Some Guy)

SOME GUY

Fuck's sake people, it's Austin. But yeah I can take a fucking hint.

AUSTIN throws himself on the GRENADE as it EXPLODES, everything FADES TO WHITE AND--

EXT. THE ISLAND

Everyone is OUTDOORS and TOTES FINE!

AUSTIN STOWELL

What the fuck just happened? Why aren't I dead? Did we destroy the doohickey?

MICHAEL PENA

Who knows, who knows, and apparently not. Anyway the plane's here, the plane! Have a good trip home everyone!

JIMMY O. YANG

Well I'm staying here, in exchange for the island creating a goop creature version of Ryan Hansen who will go home and live out an entire life as a goop creature.

MAGGIE, PORTIA, and AUSTIN fly off with GOOP RYAN HANSEN!

MICHAEL PENA

Thanks for staying Jimmy. Now you can help me provide more fantasies, which I guess will still end horribly, gruesomely, and ironically since there's no reason to think that will change. It might even be worse now that I have no magical link to the island anymore. In fact fuck it, I'm promoting you to Head of Kidnapping.

JIMMY O. YANG

Wow the uplifting happy-ending vibe for this scene REALLY doesn't fit. Guess we still need to work on that tone problem!

(kills endangered turtle)

(mugs to camera)

CREDI-

JIMMY O. YANG

OH NO NO WE'RE NOT DONE JUST YET!! We've saved the best for last!! I have a dumb tattoo that literally says... TATTOO! Which makes me... TATTOO! Turns out, this is ACTUALLY the most fuckdiculous stealth prequel franchise reboot pilot thingie ever!!

MICHAEL PENA

ARE YOU SHITTING ME. Fuck you. That can't be real.

JIMMY O. YANG

It is!

MICHAEL PENA

(sighs)

...So whose twisted revenge fantasy are WE now stuck in??

RICARDO MONTALBAN & HERVE VILLECHAIZE

Take a wild fucking guess, assholes.

END....? AHA, TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR NO C'MON, PLEASE LET'S JUST END THIS FOR REAL