FADE IN:

A horrible AI montage explains that the new PLAYER ONE (BLUE) is GRETA LEE and the new PLAYER TWO (RED) is EVAN PETERS. We then watch EVAN PETERS create his amazing new security program through MACHINE LEARNING, here dramatized as MACHINE MORTAL KOMBAT. But since the franchise long ago traded the "programs look like whoever wrote them" idea for "programs look like whoever sunk the most into getting a producer credit", it becomes JARED LETO instead.

INT. EVILCORP - GIANT 3D PRINTING HANGAR

EVAN addresses a group of EVIL INVESTORS (including KATHARINE ISABELLE from GINGER SNAPS, now THERE'S a movie), and uses his EVIL RED LASERS to print a physical copy of CYBER JARED LETO!

EVAN PETERS

Not only have I created the ultimate security software, but by 3D printing it I have also created the ultimate soldier, just as 3D printing Norton Antivirus created the ultimate doctor! And like all ultimate soldiers, he has a dumb scruffy beard and crow's feet and is 53 years old.

JARED LETO

i_suck

EVAN PETERS

And the best part is if this Jared gets destroyed, I can just print a new one!

KATHARINE ISABELLE

So you could also print like 1000 Jared Letos, to totally crush a job that one Jared Leto might just barely succeed at? Or if one goes rogue, print 999 more to overwhelm him?

EVAN PETERS

(blinks)

KATHARINE ISABELLE

Like how I can print multiple copies of a PDF? This isn't exactly advanced computer wizardry we're talking...

EVAN PETERS

Well having multiple copies of the title character could actually get interesting so no we can't do that. Besides, the audience can barely refrain from puking while looking at one Jared Leto.

KATHARINE ISABELLE

Fair. Say, can we all get a small laser-printed souvenir of something from the Grid to take home with us?

EVAN PETERS

Also no, now please everyone leave before Jared and everything else I printed collapses into dust thirty seconds from now BYYEEEEE

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Lordie why did I agree to be in this thing. Maybe if I whisper all my lines nobody will notice me.

(hides)

EXT. SNOW-COVERED TERRAIN SOMEWHERE

Meanwhile, GOODCORP CEO GRETA LEE has been searching for the secret lab of her Tragically Dead Sister™ in the middle of nowhere, along with faithful sidekick ARTURO CASTRO!

ARTURO CASTRO

I don't really contribute anything to this movie, so

(vanishes)

GRETA finds the LAB full of old computers!

GRETA LEE

Somewhere in here is the code that can make 3D-printed programs last indefinitely, which Jeff Bridges wrote decades before 3D printing existed. One of these floppy discs that could barely hold a full text adventure game will surely contain this complex earth-shattering code YAY THERE IT IS!

GRETA prints out an ORANGE TREE using the CODE and her LASERS OF BLUE, the colour of GOOD. It manages to survive longer than the previous 29-MINUTE TIME LIMIT!

GRETA LEE

(calls HQ)

Hello Hasan? Great news, I found the “permanence code” that will not only allow Goodcorp to finally crush Evilcorp but also revolutionize all human society!

HASAN MINHAJ

(over phone)

Awesome! So you’ll be uploading that to the company’s secure encrypted cloud immediately, I assume?

GRETA LEE

No silly, I’ve copied it to a thumb drive so I can physically carry it all the way back. First I’ll fly back to Vancouver (or whatever city it’s pretending to be) on the private jet-

HASAN MINHAJ

Where you’ll be met by a fleet of our company cars and security?

GRETA LEE

-where I’ll then motorcycle alone to our HQ of course! I sure hope our tech-giant rivals don't have spy or tracking software!

INT. THE GRID, GOODCORP DISTRICT

While GRETA flies back EVAN hatches an evil plan to hack into GOODCORP! This involves CYBER-JARED, CYBER-JODIE TURNER-SMITH and other evil red programs literally scaling buildings, breaking through walls, and overpowering guards.

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

Y'know as Tron metaphors go, this one's hanging together fairly well-

RANDOM PROGRAM

Argh, my arm is severed! Leave me behind Sarge! Tell my motherboard I love her!

(kisses crumpled photo of motherboard)

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

-never mind.

Anyhoo JARED manages to scrape GRETA’S personal data and learn all about FRANKENSTEIN and DEPECHE MODE. Then he scrapes the IMDB PLOT SUMMARY DATABASE and determines that the statistically most likely narrative development is for him to suddenly develop a conscience and want to do good because his target is cute.

EXT. LET'S JUST CALL IT VANCOUVER

GRETA is motorcycling to GOODCORP HQ but JARED and JODIE have been 3D printed along with THEIR motorcycles!

GRETA LEE

Oh no I am being chased by motorcycles, I must motorcycle harder to out-motorcycle their motorcycles.

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

Bah, our cyber-motorcycling skills mean we can easily out-motorcycle your motorcycle with our motorcycles. Fuck this is dull, even shearing a cop car in half didn’t help.

TRENT REZNOR

(blasting unused "With Teeth" bonus tracks previously earmarked for Ghosts LXVII)

I'm doing my best over here, maybe if Jared does an Akira slide?

JARED LETO

(doing the most run-down-school-playground of Akira slides ever)

i_suck

GRETA defeats JODIE but is cornered by JARED at the end of a dock, so maybe this IS supposed to literally be Vancouver? But JARED begins to de-rez!

GRETA LEE

Oh right the 29-minute barrier, I guess when I saw you guys coming I should have hid somewhere for half an hour. Well looks like I’ll be fiIIIIIIIIIIINE

(zapped!!!)

INT. THE GRID, EVILCORP DISTRICT

For indeed, a random EVILCORP GOON has used a TRONIFFIER RIFLE to zap GRETA inside the Grid! Having accomplished the most of any villain so far, the RANDOM GOON decides to go out on top and leaves the movie.

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

Mwah ha ha, now you’re a prisoner in OUR world! And even though you destroyed the thumb drive, we can still extract the code from your memories!

GRETA LEE

Uh, how exactly? I didn’t print out the code and memorize each line, I just copied a file. Hell you can have THAT memory for free.

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

Ah, but, since you're AWARE the code exists, that means you contain-

GRETA LEE

YOU AND JARED ALSO KNOW THAT. By your logic you should have the code already!

JARED decides to contact EVAN in the real world to see if he can justify this latest nonsense.

INT. EVILCORP HQ

EVAN typety-types on his evil keyboard.

EVAN PETERS

There, I’ve given Jared his orders, and since computers process information exponentially faster than humans I should be getting that code any fraction of a second now...

(computer beeps)

A message from Jodie? Huh?

(answers)

What’s going on, haven’t a few millennia passed in your time-frame?

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

(message on screen)

Um no, Jared came back and was all sus, so I decided to call you myself.

EVAN PETERS

But the original Tron established that its whole cyber-adventure took place over a few milliseconds of human time. If we’re NOW saying that time in the Grid and the human world move at the same pace, then all of these cutting-edge megacomputers owned by the world’s two most powerful tech companies must have the combined processing power of a Speak & Spell.

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

Yeah, anyway, is it true you ordered Jared to make Greta breakfast in bed and await further instructions?

EVAN PETERS

Ah, no, it is not. Wait, I’m supposed to scream at random intervals NO IT IS NOOTT!!!! KILL THEM BOTH END OF LIIIIIINE!!!

INT. BACK IN THE GRID

JODIE confronts JARED and GRETA on the stylish CYBER-BALCONY, but JARED drops his battle-disc thus vaporizing the FLOOR!

GRETA LEE

AAAIEEEEEE can a computer program die from a fall?

(lands in water)

WATER?!? What in the hell... no, hang on, the original film had cyber-water so I guess it’s allowed. Hm but what they DIDN’T have... was a CYBER-BOAT! Let’s do this!

JARED summons a TRONBOAT and they zoom off, talk about STREAMING amirite?!? They reach a DOWNLOAD PORTAL, reprint themselves and head to GOODCORP.

INT. GOODCORP HQ

GRETA and JARED rendezvous at HQ with HASAN. Technically GRETA'S sidekick is there too, plus ANOTHER auxiliary sidekick who in retrospect might have been an AI hallucination.

GRETA LEE

Luckily we built a painstaking replica of Jeff Bridges's original office inside our HQ, AND moved his original server here without making ANY OTHER copy of all the data inside it because herp derpy dorp. We must use the original 1982 Tronnifier to zap Jared inside the 1982 server, where there will surely be another copy of the permanence code, and okay yes maybe I should have looked there in the first place!

HASAN MINHAJ

Ooh great idea, PLUS the 1982 server will allow us to do fun callbacks to the original film's graphics AND the all-time classic Wendy Carlos score! #TronSaysTransRights

They get ready but suddenly, hovering outside is JODIE TURNER-SMITH in a fun laser-glider thingie! JARED heroically decides to ATTACK JODIE rather than be zapped into the BRIDGES SERVER but before he can do anything GRETA zaps him anyway so it's pointless.

JARED LETO

(being digitized)

iiiiiii_suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

JODIE smashes into the office, DEMOLISHING everything! She prepares to zap GRETA but at the last moment, the SPRINKLERS activate, showering everyone with WATER!

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

(staring at droplets on hand)

What... is this... sensation?!? New... feelings! Huh, imagine if one of the evil investors had bought a cyber-army to go fight in a rainy climate and all their death machines zoned out soon as they got a little damp, like who needs a regular-ass tank when you could have a tank that goes OH WOW BEHOLD THIS WONDEROUS PHENOMENON, IS THIS WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL LOVE right sorry where was I, about to zap Greta, how much time did I have leeEEEEEFFFT

(de-rezzes!)

GRETA LEE

Phew! Right, we won't have long before Jodie reprints herself along with the biggest vehicle we haven't printed yet, so I guess it's Recognizer time. Hasan, you can use Jodie's evil Tronnifier rifle to hack into Evilcorp and shut down their entire network, thus deactivating Jodie and anything else they send after us.

HASAN MINHAJ

Cool! So if I succeed, nothing anyone else does really matters then?

GRETA LEE

Not really no, but let's not tell Jared if he shows up. Not the sturdiest of egos on that one.

INT. JEFF BRIDGES'S 1980S GRID

Speaking of, CYBER JARED has arrived in the RETRO 1980s GRID and found CYBER JEFF BRIDGES!

JEFF BRIDGES

Yeah I'm not meant to be literally Flynn but a computer program using his face, which is why I look as old as real-life Jeff Bridges. I guess we could shoehorn the original Tron character in here if we hadn't decided to make that the name of a video game instead, sorry Bruce! Anyhoo here's that permanence code, now to reprint you in the basement of my boarded-up arcade which STILL, another 15 years later, has yet to suffer so much as a broken fan. Off you go!

EXT. VANCOUVER

GRETA decides to lure JODIE away from HASAN by getting her cardio in. Just as JODIE is about to capture her, the RECOGNIZER is shot down by a HEROIC FACELESS FIGHTER PILOT!

HEROIC FACELESS FIGHTER PILOT

(ejecting)

NO NEED TO NAME ME, CONTRIBUTING TO THE OUTCOME MORE THAN HALF THE MAIN CAST IS ITS OWN REWAAAAAARD

(retires with RANDOM EVIL GOON on secluded island)

JODIE TURNER-SMITH

Hrmph! Well I still have the cyber-tank and two sidekicks, more than enough to defeat whatever stands in our way! Who dares resist us now!

JARED LETO

(arriving!)

i_suck

JARED defeats ALL THREE of his opponents, and also HASAN takes down the entire EVILCORP network including those same opponents, so obviously they both contributed equally to the win. Meanwhile EVAN PETERS, to avoid being arrested for trashing half the city, reverses the polarity on his 3D PRINTING LASERS to digitize himself into the Grid!

EVAN PETERS

(gazing meaningfully while being disintegrated by lasers one square millimetre at a time)

This should probably hurt.

EXT. EPILOGUE - GOODCORP HQ

GRETA uses the permanence code to end WORLD HUNGER, cure all DISEASE, finally produce the remaining seasons of THE EXPANSE, and generally make life AWESOME for EVERYONE, even JAMES MARSDEN and FAMKE JANSSEN! One day she gets a postcard from JARED.

GRETA LEE

(reading postcard)

Huh, so even though Jared's suit dramatically changed colour with the permanence code, apparently that was just cosmetic and he ditched the suit and wears regular hipster clothes now. He's searching for the sequel hook from last movie that we utterly ignored, thus creating a new sequel hook we can ignore next time.

EVAN PETERS

(inside computer)

And don't forget MY sequel hook, I'm wearing the goofy 1982 David Warner outfit now! Bwah ha ha, we're gonna CRUSH it when all these elements come together-

MAHERSHALA ALI BLADE, MATT SMITH SKYNET HOLOGRAM, AND THE WORLD CRIME LEAGUE

(pulling up chairs)

Soooo yeah, y'all might want to settle in.

END