FADE IN:

EXT. EGYPT - 1290 B.C.

We open in THEBES. There, we see the SPHINX and the GREAT PYRAMIDS, which are located in GIZA.

ODED FEHR (V.O.)

Once upon a time, there was a great, forbidden romance between the high priest Arnold Vosloo and the Official Side Piece to the Pharoah, Patricia Velasquez.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

I love you Patricia. I've come up with a plan. You and I kill the pharaoh, then you kill yourself, and then I'll steal your body and resurrect you a little later.

PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

Ya know, I don't see this working out too well.

IT DOESN'T. ARNOLD totes gets CAUGHT and PATRICIA totes stays DEAD.

ODED FEHR (V.O.)

Arnold's priests got all mummified alive and stuff, while Arnold suffered the Hom Dai, the worst of all made up Egyptian curses.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

Alright, so what does that mean? You maybe take my name away, kill me, then throw my body to the jackals? Therefore I am out of existence and never heard from again?

MEDJAI MEMBER

YAWWWNN, creative much? No, we perform a ritual that allows you to remain undead, enduring the agony of your wounds for all eternity. But, if you should ever awaken, you will have almighty powers that will bring death and destruction upon the Earth. So we, the Medjai, must keep guard over you until the end of time.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

You guys are real sadistic bastards. So you would put everyone on Earth in danger because of the crimes of one person?

MEDJAI MEMBER

Yuh-huh.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

And you would create extra work for yourselves for the next couple of millennia?

MEDJAI MEMBER

Shut up! Or we'll cut out your tongue!

ARNOLD VOSLOO

So really, this whole movie is your fault.

MEDJAI MEMBER

That's it! You've lost your tongue privileges!

ODED FEHR (V.O.)

They Hom Dai-ed his ass and locked him in a sarcophagus, where he waits to be unleashed as a plague upon the Earth. But don't worry, the Medjai have kept watch over him, so he'll never... wait, guys, we still have the key right? Guys? Hello? We know where the key is right?

(pause)

Oh fuu--

EXT. CAIRO 1923 A.D. (3,000 YEARS LATER)

Aspiring Egyptologist, RACHEL WEISZ, and her CORPSE HUGGING brother, JOHN HANNAH, find a mysterious BOX THINGY. They visit a prison and talk to ENCINO MAN.

BRENDAN FRASER

I'm a rough and tough scoundrel, with sparkling blue eyes and radiant white teeth. Also, I'm about to be hanged in about five minutes, so you guys have great timing.

JOHN HANNAH

Jolly good, gov'ner! Aren't I delightfully English? We've found your box thingy just kidding I stole it, but we were hoping you could look past that and take us to the made up city of Hamunaptra!

RACHEL WEISZ

I'm a scholar with a love for Egyptian history, but my curiosity and clumsiness make me do silly things like mistake bookshelves for dominoes!

JOHN HANNAH

And I want to go because I'm a treasure hungry thief, ol' chap!

BRENDAN FRASER

Well you sound like two people I'd love to go on a dangerous journey with.

RACHEL WEISZ

So will you take us there?

BRENDAN FRASER

I have an idea. How about we make out, then you save my life, then throughout the journey we constantly allude to our sexual tension.

RACHEL WEISZ

What? A criminal I just met sticks his tongue down my throat and I'm supposed to fall in love with him?

(beat)

Yeah okay.

EXT. RIVER BOAT - NILE RIVER - NIGHT

Rachel struggles with her feelings for BRENDAN, probably because she's in de-NILE (har har). Our heroes then meet Egyptologist JOHNATHAN HYDE and some COWBOY DOUCHEBAGS.

TUC WATKINS

Guess what, Brendan? We're going to Hamunaptra too! Let me polish my glasses some more to remind you of how much I really love having eyeballs.

BRENDAN FRASER

Who are you guys?

STEPHEN DUNHAM

Hell, we're the roughest, toughest treasure hunters there is! We're hoping our constant dick measuring will at least add some excitement to this nerd fest!

COREY JOHNSON

Darn Tootin'! Speaking of small dick energy, our guide is your old, traitorous friend, Kevin J. O'Connor!

BRENDAN FRASER

(to Kevin)

You motherfucker! I should kill you. But even thought I'm a scoundrel myself, I still have a heart of gold, so I won't.

KEVIN J. O'CONNOR

Yeah, you definitely won't regret this decision.

Then, the boat gets raided by the MEDJAI!

MEDJAI MEMBER

Grrr! Feel the wrath of my obviously dull hook hand! It's almost as bad as the fake-looking plastic sword Brendan wields later!

They all shoot the SHIT out of the MEDJAI, then torch the boat and abandon ship.

BRENDAN FRASER

Huh. That was a weird thing that happened. Oh well, on with the mission!

EXT. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: SAHARA DRIFT

Everyone races to Hamunaptra on CAMEL BACK, which could be more bad-ass if camels didn't have that GOOFY LOOKING FACE ON ALL THE TIME.

RACHEL WEISZ

My camel even comes with turbo boost!

INT. HAMUNAPTRA - UNDERGROUND CHAMBER

JONATHAN, KEVIN, and the AMERICANS watch as the NAMELESS DIGGERS get melted by SALT ACID. Everyone immediately forgets about them and they retrieve the Book of the Dead.

TUC WATKINS

Hey, maybe we'll find five gold-plated canopic jars in here! Even though I'm pretty sure the Egyptians only used four.

STEPHEN DUNHAM

No one is watching this movie for historical accuracy. Please be quiet.

JONATHAN HYDE

Hmm... this chest says that anyone who opens it could die a horrible, excruciating death if certain coincidences were to occur, such as, the other team of explorers finding the bringer of death on the same night.

COREY JOHNSON

Well what are the chances of that happening? And hell, only a sniveling coward would turn back now!

KEVIN J. O'CONNOR

That's my cue!

(does Fred Flintstone bongo run)

JONATHAN HYDE

So, we're opening it then?

THE AMERICANS

Yep!

INT. ANOTHER UNDERGROUND CHAMBER

Our heroes dig for the Book of Amun-Ra, but instead find a mysterious SARCOPHAGUS.

BRENDAN FRASER

What does it say, Rachel?

RACHEL WEISZ

It says, "Here lies the remains of Arnold Vos... uhh, I mean.. no one. Don't worry, absolutely nothing to see here. Go away"

JOHN HANNAH

Hey! This lock-type hole is the exact same shape as my box thingy. It must be a key!

BRENDAN FRASER

You know, if they really didn't want this guy to be found you'd think they'd destroy the one thing that could open his tomb.

RACHEL WEISZ

Sooo... we're opening it then?

BRENDAN AND JOHN

Yep!

EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT

The AMERICANS show off their gold jars while our heroes get DRUNK. Then, the MEDJAI attack them AGAIN!

ODED FEHR

Aww c'mon guys, you're obviously not getting what we're hinting at. You must leave this city! There's a perfectly good explanation for this, but we would rather keep things shrouded in mystery. So could you please leave? Pretty pretty please? We'll even give you a whole day to do it!

BRENDAN FRASER

Um, yeah okay.

ODED FEHR

Great thanks we knew we could count on you guys okay bye!

The MEDJAI leave.

JONATHAN HYDE

I suspect the reason they don't want us here has something to do with this book. I'd better hold on to it really tightly while I'm unconscious; just so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

(falls asleep)

RACHEL WEISZ

(yoinks that shiiiiiittt)

RACHEL reads from the book OUT LOUD and releases THE MUMMY, who is totally not a RIPOFF of THE TERMINATOR.

ODED FEHR

(returning)

You idiots! Why didn't you take us seriously? By reading the first thing you saw in that book, you have unleashed an ancient deadly curse! Also, you've proved that we are really bad at our jobs. I knew I should have just taken John's key and thrown it in the fire!

BRENDAN FRASER

Wait. The key that can open his tomb is the exact same key that opens the book that can bring him back to life? What the FUCK, MAN?

EXT. CAIRO

Everyone gathers to talk about the giant SHIT STORM they created.

COREY JOHNSON

What are we gonna do? The muddy skeleton ripped Tuc's eyes and tongue out. He's gonna kill us all!

JOHN HANNAH

Aww, Tuc lost his eyes? What a shame, he really loved those things.

BRENDAN FRASER

Funny how he doesn't need Tuc's glasses though. I guess ancient curses also cure far sightedness.

JONATHAN HYDE

Enough jokes. Arnold needs our fluids to regenerate. And he's gonna suck us all dry to get them!

JOHN HANNAH

Sheesh, uh, well, I guess we'll leave the room when that happens. Give you some privacy.

KEVIN J. O'CONNOR

And surprise! I'm working for Arnold now! He gave me gold from one of his many rotten skin pockets, so I'm free to be a shit-sucking weasel for the rest of the movie! Later!

(jumps out window)

ODED FEHR

God he's terrible. Of all the cowards in cinema, I almost wish we had the lawyer from Jurassic Park instead.

CGI ARNOLD kills all the AMERICANS and now has enough MAN FLUIDS to turn back into REGULAR ARNOLD.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

Fear me! I was the villain in Titanic!

BRENDAN FRASER

No you weren't. And how sad is it that the scary monster is so stupid looking that it's actually scarier when human?

ARNOLD VOSLOO

At last, I am fully regenerated! I just need one more thing to resurrect my girlfriend. Yoink!

(kidnaps Rachel)

BRENDAN FRASER

No! Our chemistry is the only solid thing in this movie!

ODED FEHR

Don't worry, I'm sure we'll come up with a totally logical and not utterly ridiculous plan to get back to Hamunaptra.

EXT. ANOTHER BROWN PLACE

ARNOLD holds up a BOOMBOX and unleashes SANDSTORM by DARUDE, which causes our heroes' plane to CRASH. They survive, even though JOHN and ODED were hanging on the wings with NO SEATBELTS or ANY OTHER PROTECTION WHATSOEVER.

INT. HAMUNAPTRA - UNDERGROUND CHAMBER

ARNOLD shackles RACHEL up and prepares her for sacrifice.

RACHEL WEISZ

Woah there, E.L. James. Just because your last lady friend was into this doesn't mean I am.

JOHN HANNAH

Look Rachel! We found the Book of Amun Ra! And we didn't even have to deal with that pesky salt acid bullshit from earlier!

BRENDAN FRASER

Yeah, it's obvious the end of this movie was chopped to hell for timing.

Everyone gets their ASSES KICKED by various types of MUMMIES.

MUMMY PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

I've got to kill Rachel to be with my beloved! Even though in the sequel I straight up leave his ass and break his heart, causing him to commit suicide. Some great love story we have.

(dies in 5 minutes)

ARNOLD VOSLOO

You all have cock blocked me for the last time! Seriously, all I wanted was my girlfriend back!

RACHEL WEISZ

Our sympathy for you is thinner than my eyebrows. Be gone, you Billy Zane wannabe!

RACHEL turns ARNOLD mortal again, then he just kind of walks into BRENDAN'S SWORD and DIES.

EXT. SOME OTHER BROWN PLACE

The temple caves in on itself but our heroes escape!

BRENDAN FRASER

Welp, good thing Arnold turned out to be a total wuss without his powers. And I guess Kevin got crushed to death so that's cool.

JOHN HANNAH

Actually he got eaten by those flesh eating scarabs, which, as we've explained, will consume him very slowly. Except for those times we saw them kill people quickly.

ODED FEHR

Oh hey, I bet you thought I sacrificed myself so you could find the gold book. But I guess I fought off the mummies and then just left? And then sat out here to wait for you?

RACHEL WEISZ

And because this movie needs a romantic ending, I'll ride side saddle with Brendan while crossing the desert for two days. That totally sounds comfortable.

They ride off into the sunset with help from the random PACK OF CAMELS that appeared inexplicably.

END