FADE IN:

EXT. CORN FIELD

A FAMILY OF THREE are dressed as SCARE CROWS just like in the FIRST ONE because the writers for this movie are already RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS. All of them are tied to wooden CROSSES and set on FIRE.

CUT TO:

ROBERT SLOAN wakes up from a nightmare. The GHOST OF MICHAEL JACKSON, AKA BUGHUUL is standing in his closet, watching him sleep.

ROBERT SLOAN

Oh, no! I’m having an out-of-body experience. I must be trapped in The Further!

GHOST ROBERT SLOAN

(appears)

YOU’RE THINKING OF ‘INSIDIOUS’!

INT. RANDOM URBAN CATHOLIC CHURCH

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO enters a confession booth.

RANDOM URBAN CATHOLIC PRIEST

How long since your last confession… aw, shit, is that who I think it is?

(opens divider)

Aren’t you that deputy that worked with Ethan Hawke in the first movie before he got murdered by that child-stealing demon?

DEPUTY JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

(squinting and rambling)

Yeah but I got fired for helping him because cops in horror movies are never supposed to do their actual jobs. Anyway, I have a fool-proof plan to stop the demon from hurting anyone ever again; should I do it?

RANDOM URBAN CATHOLIC PRIEST

Oh, hell no! Screw everybody else. Go save your own ass and stay out of it.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Where did you attend seminary, the Gordon Gecko School for Scoundrels? I can’t believe that just came out of a priest’s mouth! What Would Jesus Do in this situation?

RANDOM URBAN CATHOLIC PRIEST

He would die on a cross… We’ve already established how uncool that is.

JAMES SQUINTS and FIDGETS for a few more moments and then LEAVES.

INT. GROCERY STORE

SHANNYN “LYNYRD SKYNYRD” SOSSAMON and her sons ROBERT SLOAN and DARTANIAN SLOAN are shopping. Meanwhile, a SHITTY PRIVATE DETECTIVE makes it PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that he is following them around.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON

Boys, remember: If I say ‘rutabaga’ it means ‘run’.

ROBERT SLOAN

Why do we even have a code word if you are just gonna blurt out what it means ten feet from the guy that’s following us?

DARTANIAN SLOAN

Yeah, and how did my real life brother, Robert, get a normal name while I ended up being named after a friggin’ Musketeer? Argh, I’m so mad that I’m gonna act like sadistic little prick for the rest of the movie!

SHITTY PRIVATE DICK

(walks by for the tenth time, glaring at them)

(whispers) I’m totally following you. I work for your abusive ex-husband.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON

RUTABAGA!!! RUTABAGA!!! IN CASE YOU DON’T REMEMBER, THAT MEANS RUN!!!

SHANNYN and the boys run out of the store, knocking over shelves, pushing old ladies down, and making a complete spectacle of themselves. They speed away in their car and the SHITTY PRIVATE DICK calls his boss.

EXT. CREEPY OLD HOUSE - DAY

JAMES pulls up and gets out of his truck with TWO JUGS OF GASOLINE.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Time to burn this motherfucka’ down. That should keep people from moving in and getting murdered. Nice and neat.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON

(stepping outside)

Sorry. Me and my two sons are hiding from my abusive ex-husband here so your plan is fucked.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

(squinting and rambling)

Shit, well, there’s a demon named Bughuul who killed the last family that lived here and will kill your family, too, if you ever move to another house. Mind if I take a look around that creepy old church on your property for shits and giggles?

SHANNYN SOSSAMON

No problem, as long as you agree to stay for dinner and act like a father figure for my boys.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Deal.

JAMES enters the creepy old church, which is dark as hell despite it being daytime, and encounters a bunch of GHOST KIDS. Instead of running, he stands there and DICKS AROUND with his FLASHLIGHT.

BUGHUUL

(appears)

JUMP SCARE 2, BITCH!

JAMES FINALLY runs outside and immediately gets a call from BUDGET VINCENT D’ONOFRIO.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

(squinting)

What happened to the real Vincent D’Onofrio?

BUDGET VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

He moved to Netflix to play a more interesting character. Anyway, I have some really important news about Bughuul. I could tell you over the phone now and save you a drive to my office but… nah.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Awesome, this will ensure that I have to race back here later to save everyone in the nick of time. See you tomorrow!

INT. CREEPY OLD HOUSE - NIGHT

JAMES, SHANNYN, ROBERT, and DARTANIAN are sitting down for dinner.

DARTANIAN SLOAN

Are you a cop? Do you see lots of dead bodies? I love dead bodies. I wish there were dead bodies here right now!

SHANNYN SOSSAMON

Oh, shush, honey. Eat your vegetables.

DARTANIAN SLOAN

Fuck you, mom! Fuck you for naming me Dartanian!

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

At least your character HAS a name, kid…

DARTANIAN SLOAN

Argh, I hate you all! I wanna stab you to death and play around with your blood!!!

Everyone ignores this and continues eating.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

I used to be a cop but I’m just too gosh-darn kind-hearted. I’m completely unlike your violent, piece of shit father.

ROBERT SLOAN

Golly, I sure wish you were my dad.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON

Yeah, me too. Let’s sneak outside later to drink whiskey and make out.

THEY DO. JAMES stops her mid-kiss.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

We should stop. I have to get up early to meet Budget Vincent D’Onofrio because apparently you don’t have Skype. Plus, I think I just jizzed in my pants.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON

Ok, see you when you get back. My ex-husband probably won’t abduct us while you're gone or anything. Good night.

SHANNYN goes to bed. JAMES sits down to squint at pictures of Bughuul. Two more JUMP SCARES happen before JAMES finally passes out FACE-FIRST on the couch.

Later, ROBERT SLOAN awakes from another nightmare to find GHOST LUCAS ZUMMAN standing over him, wearing a SWEATER VEST and a SMUG, PUNCHABLE FACE.

GHOST LUCAS ZUMMAN

Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!

ROBERT SLOAN

Wow, you ghost kids are WAY less scary when you talk! Anyway, I just dreamt about killing my whole family. It was so intense that my pants are soaked with sweat.

GHOST LUCAS ZUMMAN

I know how to make the nightmares go away: Come down to the creepy, unfinished basement with me and watch a bunch of movies about families being brutally murdered in increasingly preposterous ways.

ROBERT SLOAN

That sounds like it will have the exact opposite effect but okay.

They go down to the basement where a bunch of other GHOST KIDS are waiting with a projector and a bunch of SUPER 8 SNUFF FILMS.

GHOST KID 1

Watch mine first. I hang my family upside down from a tree over a river and then they all get their heads bitten off by CGI flying alligators.

ROBERT SLOAN

How the hell did you get them all up there? You weigh like 80 pounds tops!

GHOST KID 1

(presses finger to lips)

Shhhhhh.

ROBERT SLOAN

No, seriously! Does Bughuul put them up there for you or does he give you super strength or…?

GHOST LUCAS ZUMMAN

(holds up finger)

SHOOOOOSH!

The GHOST KIDS play more SNUFF FILMS that look like they were directed by ELI ROTH and JAMES WAN. They involve making SNOW ANGELS, doing the ELECTRIC SLIDE, TIJUANA DENTISTRY, and a bunch of CGI RATS burrowing into people’s STOMACHS like in that scene from 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS.

ROBERT SLOAN

Why are you showing me this? I’m never going to kill my family like you guys. I couldn’t even kill a bug! Seriously, they actually showed this on camera earlier!

GHOST LUCAS ZUMMAN

We wanted to set up a twist. Your brother is actually the one we chose to make the next snuff film. Now don’t tell anyone about how we’re gonna kill your family or else we’ll kill your family.

DARTANIAN SLOAN

(walks down the stairs into the basement)

Seriously, did anyone not see this coming? I’ve been acting like a friggin’ maniac the whole movie!

INT. BUDGET VINCENT D’ONOFRIO’S OFFICE

BUDGET VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

Thanks for coming. Basically, all you need to know is that the missing kids are the ones murdering their families. Bughuul possesses them or something and likes to watch the murders on Super 8 film because he’s a total hipster.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Cool, thanks. Now I should really get going. Shannyn’s ex-husband probably showed up at the house with a bunch of corrupt cops to force her and the boys to move in with him because the marriage laws in that Podunk town haven’t been updated since 1955. I bet that little fucker Dartanian is making his snuff film as we speak.

BUDGET VINCENT D’ONOFRIO

Good luck!

EXT. CORN FIELD OUTSIDE OF ABUSIVE EX-HUSBAND’S HOUSE

SHANNYN, ROBERT, and the ABUSIVE EX-HUSBAND are on CROSSES and dressed as SCARE CROWS like in the FIRST SCENE OF THE MOVIE. DARTANIAN is filming them with a SUPER 8 CAMERA while the GHOST KIDS stand in the background wearing SHITTY CGI ZOMBIE MAKEUP. DARTANIAN lights his DOUCHEBAG FATHER on FIRE.

DARTANIAN SLOAN

Ha ha! I totally drugged them all and then got them up there by using my dad’s pickup truck to pull the crosses erect! Of course, that doesn’t really explain how I got my 200 pound father on the cross in the first place…

DARTANIAN is interrupted by JAMES, who heroically SLAMS INTO HIM WITH HIS TRUCK.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

(unties SHANNYN and ROBERT)

Don’t worry, I’m here to save you! No one will ever hurt you again…

DARTANIAN stands up and picks up a SICKLE. He is COMPLETELY UNINJURED.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

OH, SHIT! EVERYONE RUN FROM THE 10-YEAR-OLD BOY!

DARTANIAN starts filming SHAKY CAM STYLE and chases them into the corn field.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Don’t worry, I’ll stop him!

(gets fingers chopped off)

Never-mind, keep running away!

The chase moves into the house. The GHOST KIDS prance around in the background, SHUSHING each other and throwing office supplies into the air. JAMES tells SHANYN and ROBERT to hide in the bathroom.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

You two stay here, I’ll get him this time.

(gets ass kicked by pre-pubescent ghosts)

Son of a bitch! Never-mind, run away again!

DARTANIAN corners SHANYN and ROBERT. JAMES appears and knocks the camera out of DARTANIAN’S hand IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH A CANDLESTICK (brought to you by “CLUE”). It falls to the ground and SHATTERS.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Your camera ain’t so SUPER now! Your killing days are over. Also, for my first act as your new father figure: You are SO grounded.

GHOST LUCAS ZUMMAN

Bughuul is gonna be sooooooo mad about this! Do you have any idea how much those cameras go for on eBay?

DARTANIAN runs from the room screaming and runs into Bughuul who MELTS HIM INTO A DECAYING PUDDLE OF CORPSE. JAMES, SHANNYN, and ROBERT run outside as the house spontaneously BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

JAMES RANSO-AND-SO

Wow, it’s over? That was hardly scary at all! All the talking ghost kids explaining the plot really sort of ruined the air of mystery that the first one had…

BUGHUUL

(appears)

TH-TH-, TH-TH-TH-THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

END