FADE IN:

INT. FANCY-SCHMANCY RESTAURANT

MEGHANN FAHY shows up to a restaurant situated on the NINE HUNDREDTH FLOOR of a SKYSCRAPER.

MEGHANN FAHY

Okay, here I am to meet my Tinder date at a restaurant so upscale that the idea of even walking in the door and speaking to the coatcheck boy would give most people in the audience a panic attack.

(checks specials board)

Ooh, it looks like the special of the day is red herring!

TRAVIS NELSON

(bumps into Meghann)

Oops, sorry I just made you drop your phone! Just a random accident UNLESS IT WASN’T AND I’M THE BAD GUY!!

GABRIELLE RYAN

I, the bartender, am the mother of a young child like you! So I’m immediately sympathetic UNLESS I’M NOT AND I’M THE BAD GUY!!

REED DIAMOND

Hello, are you my blind date? Oh whoops you’re not, well I guess I’ll leave you alone now UNLESS I WON’T AND I’M THE BAD GUY!!

ED WEEKS

I’m the piano player and a little bit of a creeper, UNLESS ETC.

MEGHANN FAHY

Okay, that should do! And here’s my date now!

BRANDON SKLENAR

Hi, it’s good to finally meet you in person! UNLESS IT’S NOT AND I’M well no, that pretty much straight away gets proven impossible, so we can relax on that point.

MEGHANN FAHY

Oh good. I’m nervous about this going well, this is my first date since my husband died in a way that the prologue left ambiguous.

BRANDON SKLENAR

Oh? Did he, I don’t know, try to cross Montana in a blizzard in a tiny Model T Ford, despite the fact that everybody told him it was suicide, and he and his millionaire friends could have just waited out the winter in their mansion? And then when by a fucking miraculous stroke of luck your train passed by him with exactly the right timing to find him and get him to a hospital, he just told the doctors to fuck off and let him die rather than amputate his frostbitten limbs, and just all-round had the most avoidable, idiotic death ever to air on television?

(clears throat)

To name a perfectly hypothetical example.

Suddenly a creepy and also very hacky MEME pops up on MEGHANN’S PHONE.

DROP ASSHOLE

hay wazzup

do you like scary movies

lol jk

but also kinda the same basic schtick as that

MEGHANN FAHY

What the hell? Some weirdo keeps sending me messages on DigiDROP!

BRANDON SKLENAR

Ah yes, DigiDROP, I know that app. It’s like AirDrop, except we don’t get sued for using it in our movie.

DROP ASSHOLE

so yeah vague threats and whatnot

imma do ambiguous stalker shit 2u

blargh creepy creepy blargh

oh and please accept a message request from me now kthx

MEGHANN FAHY

I won’t. Why would I do that?

DROP ASSHOLE

cmonnnn you need to be able to text me for plot stuff to happen

so say yes for literally no reason

its not like i could force you to by threatening your son or anything

oh wait

i for sure coulda done that

thats my bad

Indeed, checking out footage from her HOME SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM, she sees that along with her unsuspecting SON and SISTER, there is a MASKED DUDE in her house!

DROP ASSHOLE

so those are the stakes

i cloned your phone and have bugged the restaurant so you can’t even break wind without me knowing

if you don’t follow my instructions my hitman kills your son

if you tell anybody anything my hitman kills your son

if you make brandon think anything’s amiss my hitman kills your son

if you say “isn’t this basically just red eye” my hitman kills your son

you get the gist

BRANDON SKLENAR

Everything okay?

MEGHANN FAHY

(sweating, stressed attempt at a smile)

O-of course! Why do you ask? Just because I was getting a series of creepy messages from a psycho, then the latest alert on my phone made my behavior suddenly and completely change to that of a nervous wreck, why would you think something was wrong? LA-DE-DA, ALL IS WELL!

(pretends to read upside-down menu)

DROP ASSHOLE

geez i probably should have started with the threats before he got here

would’ve kept him from knowing about these messages or seeing you suddenly shift into panic mode

pretty dumb of me to waste all that time on dumb memes i guess

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

anyway

my first instruction is for you to grab the memory card out of his camera

he’s a photographer for the mayor and of course he brought his work camera right to the table on his big date

otherwise there’d be no plot you see

MEGHANN FAHY

(hides watch)

Oh would you look at that, my watch must have spontaneously fallen off my wrist without my noticing! Brandon, could you go search every inch of this restaurant other than this general vicinity? Thanks!

Once he LEAVES, she grabs his CAMERA.

MEGHANN FAHY

Okay, first I'll check out these dangerous photos, even though my paper-thin distraction could fail at any moment, and this seems like the kind of information that could get me killed.

(opens photos)

So, what have we got? The mayor at a Klan rally? The mayor snorting heroin out of a hooker's asshole? The mayor bludgeoning an orphan to death?

(looks through photos)

It is... documents. Vague, presumably incriminating documents. Way to pick the beigest placeholder available, guys.

She at last takes out the SD CARD.

DROP ASSHOLE

all right neato

now take it to the bathroom and smash it

that will also give this script an excuse for a new scene heading which are hard to come by in these damn chamber-piece movies

INT. BATHROOM, WHICH IS TECHNICALLY A DIFFERENT LOCATION

MEGHANN smashes the CARD.

DROP ASSHOLE

good job meghann

theres just one last pesky bit of housekeeping we need you to take care of

namely kill brandon

i left you some poison now hop to it

MEGHANN FAHY

Whoa now hang on-

DROP ASSHOLE

sorry what was that

i couldn't hear you over the sound of my hitman knocking your sister unconscious

and then conveniently neglecting to tie her up so she can participate in the climax

MEGHANN FAHY

Okay sheesh, cool your jets, I'll see what I can do!

INT. THE RESTAURANT AGAIN

MEGHANN FAHY

So, obviously I'm not going to poison anybody if I can help it. I'm gonna need to figure out some gambits.

(ponders)

Ooh, the reception area is outside of AirDrop - uh, DigiDROP range. I could sneak out there, commandeer their computer, and try to send a distress message!

DROP ASSHOLE

um but

obviously i can just see you go and try to do that

also "don't leave the restaurant" is like one of the only rules

seriously by what possible logic do you expect to get away with this

MEGHANN FAHY

Oh right, that didn't make any sense, did it.

(ponders some more)

Okay... let's assume, with no basis, that if I wrote a distress message on a twenty-dollar bill the asshole wouldn't be able to observe me doing that through any of the cameras, or just straight-up with his eyes. Then I could slip it to Brandon under the table get a waiter to give it to the pianist as a tip, then hope that the pianist immediately happens to fish that note out of his jar, and see the message and take it seriously and act on it! What a sensible plan!

ED WEEKS

(finds bill)

What's this? A kidnapping, you say?! I had better call the police immediately! ...Right after I pause for a quick aperitif, which surely isn't the one way the villain could thwart me.

(poisoned)

(dies)

DROP ASSHOLE

wow i can't believe how close that stupid plan came to working

look Meghan could you cut it out with the gambits already

you are clearly terrible at gambits

its starting to get sad now

just poison brandon and lets move on with our lives

MEGHANN reluctantly slips the POISON into BRANDON'S DRINK.

MEGHANN FAHY

Sorry again about all this. All the weird behavior, constantly leaving the table, constantly making you leave the table, trying to change tables, immediately changing tables back, I'm a piece of work, I know. Let's just do shots and start over.

(freaks out, grabs shot out of Brandon's hand)

NO WAIT FORGET THAT, DON'T DO ANY SHOTS, NOOOO

BRANDON SKLENAR

Okay, why haven't I called the police myself by now? This is the most duress-coded behavior I've ever seen this side of the First Lady.

GABRIELLE RYAN

(passing by)

Hey, you think your date is going badly, that Reed guy's blind date stormed out ages ago. She was pissed because he wouldn't stop texting and staring at Meghann, and she also muttered something about "seriously didn't he have even one female accomplice who could have posed as his date instead of inviting a stranger to be a close-up witness to him being super suspicious all night".

MEGHANN FAHY

OHHH, that son of a - Brandon honey, could you find one last flimsy reason to wander away from the table? I have to go confront a bitch.

She storms over to REED'S TABLE.

MEGHANN FAHY

SO. It's YOU.

REED DIAMOND

I don't know what you're talking about, Meghann Fahy! What SD card? And where would I even get a vial of poison to hide in the women's restroom?

(pause)

Okay I fucked that up. Fine, it's me! I work for the mayor! He needs Brandon dead because Brandon took photos of all his vague documents. Fortunately instead of sending the photos straight to the cops or the feds or the press, he just brought them on this date.

(smiles smugly)

Our plan was simple: research Brandon's date, plant a hitman at her house, plant me in the restaurant with a real blind date who's not in on the plan, doctor the seating charts so that you guys were in a prime surveillance spot while I was in a blind spot, then I would stage-manage you into killing Brandon for us then taking the fall for the crime. It was foolproof!

MEGHANN FAHY

...That may be the most overcomplicated plan I've heard in my life. What happened to a good old-fashioned staged mugging?

REED DIAMOND

No, see, it was perfect, because you were a suspect in your husband's death, even though by now another flashback told us he shot himself. The cops would easily believe that anybody who was briefly suspected of having shot her chronic abuser in the midst of a violent altercation years ago, could also bring poison with her to cold-bloodedly murder a dude in public on the first date! That would make so much sense!

MEGHANN FAHY

Uh huh. And they wouldn't find it suspicious that a whole other guy died of poisoning at the same restaurant on the same night?

REED DIAMOND

...

MEGHANN FAHY

Tell me, the bar where you poisoned Ed's drink, was that in a surveillance blind spot too?

REED DIAMOND

Maybe we... overlooked one or two details.

MEGHANN FAHY

Like the fact that my version of events will be backed up by my sister's cranial injury? As well as by my home surveillance system, which would have recorded everything, as it's a home surveillance system?

REED DIAMOND

Oh. Right. Fuck. Ah well, I'm sure we'll fix all this with yet more murders somewhere down the line.

At this point, BRANDON wanders past.

MEGHANN FAHY

Oh hey, Brandon, you know that shot I stopped you from drinking earlier? Why don't you drink it now! Right here by this stranger's table for some reason!

REED DIAMOND

Bwa ha ha, yes do it Brandon, drink that poison here in the surveillance blind spot, which fucks up my whole plan!

BRANDON SKLENAR

Sure, that might as well happen. No weirder than the rest of today's bullshit.

He downs the SHOT and returns to his SEAT. REED, in a good mood, digs into his DESSERT.

MEGHANN FAHY

Ha, PSYCHE! I only pretended to poison Brandon's drink, and just now while you were so busy staring to make sure that he swallowed it, I poisoned your panna cotta instead! FINALLY I've managed to gambit worth a damn!

REED DIAMOND

(pulls out gun)

You know you really should've waited for me to keel over instead of telling me all that.

They get into a RESTAURANT FIGHT! Eventually REED has MEGHANN down on the ground and at gunpoint.

MEGHANN FAHY

Ah, but what if I threw something to break the window behind you? Bet at this altitude, in a sealed and air-conditioned building, there would be a pressure differential!

REED DIAMOND

Hmmm, there may be, yes. You could maybe cause enough of a blast of air to hit me that I'd be thrown off balance, allowing you to-

She breaks the GLASS and he is instantly SUCKED OUT OF THE BUILDING like it was a JET PLANE undergoing CATASTROPHIC DECOMPRESSION.

REED DIAMOND

(dropping a thousand feet)

WELL THIS IS SOME BULLSHIIIII oh wait, "dropping" a thousand feet, heh, I see what they did there.

(splats)

MEGHANN FAHY

Okay, and now to hurry back to my house to save my family, thus completing the Red Eye story structure! Except if the actually interesting and developed villain was already dead and it was just the no-lines dipshit left for the climax.

INT. MEGHANN'S HOUSE, HEY THAT'S EVEN A WHOLE OTHER BUILDING!

MEGHANN bursts into her house to try and stop the MASKED GOOBER from killing her SON and SISTER.

MASKED GOOBER

Too late, your sister tried to fight me so I shot her repeatedly at point-blank range! Just, you know, in the kind of way where she'll be on her feet tomorrow so we can have a happy ending.

The GOOBER manages to get MEGHANN down for the count. But then her SON sends a REMOTE CONTROL CAR to her, and it has the GUN that the GOOBER lost in the fight with the SISTER! MEGHANN grabs the GUN and KILLS THE GOOBER and SAVES THE DAY!

MEGHANN FAHY

Hey, I shot and killed a dude, just as I was unable to do in my flashback! That's real growth! I used to be unable to kill people, now I can, hooray!

MEGHANN'S SON

Also my thing was being traumatized because I saw my dad shoot himself, but now that I've been an active accessory to a shooting myself, I'm overcoming my fear!

MEGHANN FAHY

That's right, nothing shows that you've become your best self than the fact that you can now take a life with a gun!

(pause)

Or something more uplifting about not letting trauma define you, I dunno.

END.