FADE IN:

INT. SPINNING PAPER MONTAGE

A bunch of NEWSPAPERS sport headlines about EVIL WIZARD JOHNNY DEPP.

NEWSPAPER #1

EVIL WIZARD JOHNNY DEPP TERRORIZES EUROPE

NEWSPAPER #2

EVIL WIZARD JOHNNY DEPP MAJOR PIECE OF HARRY POTTER CONTINUITY PORN

NEWSPAPER #3

MOVIE BARELY MENTIONS EVIL WIZARD JOHNNY DEPP; OPENING SEQUENCE CONSTANTLY YELLS HIS NAME TO PREVENT LATER AUDIENCE CONFUSION

NEWSPAPER #4

REMEMBER WHEN HARRY POTTER MOVIES TRIED TO BEGIN WITH A BIT OF ATMOSPHERE? THOSE WERE THE DAYS

NEWSPAPER #5

SAFETY MEASURES INCREASED AT HOGWARTS; HA HA HA, GOOD LUCK THERE BUDDY

EXT. DOCKS OF NEW YORK, 1926

FLOPPY-HAIRED DORK EDDIE REDMAYNE has just gotten off a ship from ENGLAND, and is going through CUSTOMS while beginning his self-imposed challenge to go the entire movie without making eye contact with ANYTHING.

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL

What is the purpose of your visit?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

To try and squeeze five more movies’ worth of box office dollars out of the Harry Potter juggernaut.

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL

Do you have any foreign flora or fauna?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Well, uh, I suppose, er, uh, the answer to your question is, um, nnnno?

(flop sweats)

Man, I’m starting to wonder why I didn’t just teleport right past this guy.

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL

(peeks in Eddie’s suitcase)

Eh, this all seems to be in order. I’m not even gonna look past the top layer of stuff in the suitcase of the most suspicious-acting guy in the world. Have a nice day!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(grins)

Boy, customs sure are a snap in pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-9/11 New York!

He heads into the CITY, where he is verbally accosted by SAMANTHA MORTON and her son EZRA MILLER.

SAMANTHA MORTON

Death to witches! We need another Salem! I’m sure to win the public over to my insane ranting by citing one of the most mortifying acts of ignorant hysteria in US history!

EZRA MILLER

There’s actually a whole heap of backstory as to why some Muggles know about witches this time. Sadly J.K. Rowling seriously misjudged how much can be crammed into a movie script, and had to jettison it all to supplemental materials that only the nerdiest will ever read, so you’ll just have to roll with it.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

My my, what unpleasant people. Fortunately this is, in 1926, the single most populated city in the world, so the chances of the first random strangers I speak to turning out to be central to some big sinister plot I get involved in later on are vanishingly small.

Suddenly his MALFUNCTIONING SUITCASE emits some kind of SMALL DUCK-BILLED MAMMAL which immediately runs around STEALING EVERYBODY’S VALUABLES and shoving them into its POUCH. Also a magical EGG falls out and winds up being picked up by DAN FOGLER.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oops, I'd better get that egg back from Dan with a Summoning Charm! Let's just hope that he doesn't turn out to be clinging to the egg with such an inhuman death grip that his entire body gets pulled along with it.

(summons Dan)

OOF.

DAN FOGLER

Oh! Hello. I'm a No-Maj, and-

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Just say Muggle, okay? Harry Potter fans seriously don't need even more stupid made-up words to embarrass themselves with. So anyway, what kind of Muggle are you, evil or useless?

DAN FOGLER

Useless! Also fat.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Man, why does Rowling hate her own species so much?

They recapture the KLEPTOMANIAC CREATURE.

DAN FOGLER

What the hell is that, some kind of magical platypus?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Actually I think it might be just a regular platypus. Those things are weird as fuck. As you can see, they have the habit of stealing anything they can get their hands on, up to and including entire movies.

(directly to audience)

I’m not kidding. Parents? Remember how Christmas last year you had to buy a million versions of BB-8? And Baymax the year before? Yeah, this little duck-rat bastard is your new nightmare.

Suddenly KATHERINE WATERSTON shows up and ARRESTS EDDIE.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

I’m formerly of the wizard police, and I see you’re smuggling livestock! To deal with this misdemeanor, I will haul you directly into the office of the Wizard President, while she’s in an important meeting with the head of the Wizard NSA.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I’m starting to understand why you’re a FORMER cop.

INT. WIZARD GOVERNMENT

KATHERINE brings EDDIE before WIZARD PRESIDENT CARMEN EJOGO.

CARMEN EJOGO

How the hell can former employees just barge into high-security meetings like this? The Wizard Secret Service must be completely incompetent. Katherine, please, leave me alone, I’m in an important meeting with Count Bloodula here.

COLIN FARRELL

Hey, that’s not my name!

CARMEN EJOGO

It might as fucking well be. Look at you with your sinister coat and sinister mutterings and sinister facial expressions and sinister haircut. I haven’t seen a bad guy this thoroughly underlined since Judge Doom.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

At least look in this guy’s suitcase. He’s got a box full of unknown but probably dangerous animals! I demand that the president stick her head inside it!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

All right, all right, I’ll open the suitcase, without pressing the “Innocent Suitcase” switch which got me through customs earlier and would presumably work just as well here.

(opens suitcase)

Crap, this isn’t mine! I must have switched my case with Dan’s identical one earlier!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Ugh, seriously? The accidental suitcase switch? Even back here in 1926 that plot contrivance is already worn out.

EXT. DAN’S APARTMENT

EDDIE hurries over to DAN’S PLACE, only to find that DAN’S ENTIRE APARTMENT has pretty much EXPLODED.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oh dear, several of my creatures have escaped, and bystanders saw them!

(zaps one guy)

There, modifying the memory of that single onlooker should cover up this incident. Now nobody will say anything about seeing anything weird!

(makes Dan’s apartment slowly un-explode in full view of everybody)

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Dan’s been bitten by some kind of miniature Cthulhu! We have to take him with us.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Crap, I can’t treat Dan’s wounds or recapture the rampaging creatures until I give Katherine the slip. I guess I’ll have to wait until after we go back to her place, have a home-cooked meal, and go to bed.

(pause)

Or I could just teleport me and Dan the hell out of here.

(pause)

I do seem to have a habit of forgetting that I can teleport.

INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE

NEWSPAPER TYCOON JON VOIGHT is trying to get his SON elected as-

JON VOIGHT

Nobody cares about this subplot! It never matters!

EXT. SINISTER ALLEY

COLIN has a secret meeting with EZRA.

COLIN FARRELL

I need you to bring me a child.

EZRA MILLER

EW. FUCK OFF.

COLIN FARRELL

No no no, a specific child! I have reason to suspect that Samantha’s orphanage houses a powerful, dangerous magical youth.

EZRA MILLER

Hmmm, well in every single shot I appear to be a weird, mentally unstable, incredibly ominous ticking time bomb of repressed rage, so you’d think this was a no-brainer; but then again, my ten-year-old sister is also all of those things, so really there’s no way of telling which of us is the red herring.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh yeah and it’s DEFINITELY somebody around ten years old. Got that, audience? Exclude Ezra from your suspicions immediately. Absolutely not him, cross our hearts.

EZRA MILLER

Ah. So, back to the no-brainer, then.

INT. KATHERINE’S APARTMENT

EDDIE and DAN are introduced to KATHERINE’S SISTER ALISON SUDOL.

ALISON SUDOL

Pleased to meet you! I’m a mindreader. Let me show you: Eddie, you’re thinking “What the hell?! Don’t read my mind without my permission! Stop it! Cut it out!”, and Dan, you’re thinking “Oh God oh Jesus what if I accidentally think something really private SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT”.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Incidentally, Dan, I don’t suppose you have any questions?

DAN FOGLER

Questions? About what?

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Well, you know. Maybe you’d like us to explain what the deal is with there being some kind of secret society of people who can do literal magic. All the teleporting and Cthulhu monsters and stuff. Do you want us to tell you what the hell is going on?

DAN FOGLER

(shrugs)

Apparently not.

Finally EDDIE and DAN are sent to bed in the SPARE ROOM.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Alone at last! Come, Dan, into my enchanted TARDIS suitcase. Come down the narrow ladder and into the small cluttered front room, and later on please don’t try to figure out how the hell a giant rhinoceros is supposed to have come out this way!

EDDIE escorts DAN into the GIGANTIC INTERIOR of his SUITCASE, and introduces him to the SNAKE BIRDS and WEATHER-CONTROLLING EAGLE and CHICKEN THINGS and TENTACLE-FACE MONSTERS and SENTIENT PIES and IRON FISH and KOALACOPTERS and CLOWNOSAURUSES and SHLUMPFOBBERS and WURBLESNUGBLOPS and whatever other NONSENSICAL SEUSSIAN GOBBLEDEGOOK the special effects guys came up with while they were stoned.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Yep, I totally needed to bring these hundreds of animals with me just to deliver ONE SINGLE THUNDERBIRD.

DAN FOGLER

Why the hell do wizards even need to rent apartments? From what I've seen wizards could fit their entire civilization into a storage locker.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

All right, now that we’ve seen to your wounds and done the sightseeing tour, time to go recapture those fantastic beasts. But where to find them?

DAN FOGLER

The re-escaped platypus will be especially hard to locate. After this much time loose in the city, by now it’s basically a possum-sized needle in a New York-sized haystack.

(heads outside)

Oh there it is.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I got this!

(smashes half a jewelry store)

I've still got this! I've still got this!

(smashes other half of shop)

Could someone turn off that loud "Yakety Sax" music in the background please?

(steps on rake)

DAN FOGLER

Couldn't you use the Summoning Charm on all that jewelry it's holding, like you did earlier with me and the egg? Or couldn't you use the Full Body-Bind Curse that earlier you used on a bank manager? Or couldn't you stun it, or levitate it, or use one of the dozens of spells that could make it easier to catch?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Magic? Aw FUCK, I knew I was forgetting something!

(falls onto wedding cake)

Finally they re-recapture the PLATYPUS and then head on to the ZOO.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO

They find at the ZOO some kind of SIX-TONNE RHINOCEROS MONSTER.

DAN FOGLER

Wow. So, what, nobody’s noticed this thing? A bloated land-narwhal the size of a metropolitan bus, just wandering the streets of New York City for the past five or six hours? No police reports, no animal control, no wizard cops getting wind of it? I know Manhattanites can be a touch complacent, but this is ridiculous.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

She’s in heat, so we should be able to use this rhino pheromone to lure her back into the suitcase.

DAN FOGLER

Wait, is this some kind of obscure joke about rhinoceros hunting and aphrodisiacs?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Dude, this is a scene where I try to seduce a lady elcor with a Monty Python silly walk, don’t read too much into it.

A WACKY SCENE ensues in which DAN nearly gets HUMPED INTO PASTE, then finally they recapture the RHINO.

DAN FOGLER

Did we just have a scene where the heroes have to avoid being RAPED TO DEATH?!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

It's the whimsical world of Harry Potter!

Then KATHERINE shows up and SEIZES THEM.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

I’m going to bring you and your suitcase full of magical creatures right into the middle of an important meeting that the Wizard President is holding! Wow, is it six scenes ago already?

INT. WIZARD GOVERNMENT

KATHERINE barges in on CARMEN and COLIN and rants about EDDIE’S SUITCASE, because that worked SO WELL last time.

COLIN FARRELL

Magical creatures, you say? That must be what’s been rampaging through the city of late, smashing buildings and levitate-frying local politicians!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You dolt, that kind of destruction wouldn’t have come from any animal! That’s clearly an Obscurial, a malevolent magical force that erupts out of young wizards who try to suppress their magical powers. Basically it’s our version of that Carrie/Chronicle/Akira thing where teen angst gets converted directly into telekinetic murder frenzy.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Weird how we never heard about such a thing before, considering the Harry Potter movies are basically "Horrifying Child Abuse: The Franchise".

COLIN FARRELL

So those attacks weren't caused by a magical creature, huh? Then how do you account for the fact that they began pretty much the minute you stepped off the boat from England?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I plead lazy writing!

COLIN FARRELL

I’ve heard enough! Eddie, I find you guilty of possessing illegal fauna. The sentence is immediate death. Katherine, I find you guilty of not doing a very good job of informing us about Eddie. The sentence is also immediate death. Take them to the witch-dissolving room!

FLUNKY

You heard the man, move it.

(grabs Eddie and Katherine)

COLIN FARRELL

Wow, seriously? You’re just gonna murder them on fake trumped-up charges, no trial or anything, on one guy’s say-so?

FLUNKY

Uh - but - you just said-

COLIN FARRELL

I’m obviously pure evil and abusing my power for my own ends! What the fuck is your excuse?

KATHERINE WATERSTON

What's even worse is that I don't seem the least bit surprised at this! HOW MANY MINOR OFFENDERS HAVE WE THROWN INTO WITCH-DISSOLVING ROOMS?!

INT. WITCH-DISSOLVING ROOM

The FLUNKY puts KATHERINE on a CHAIR hovering over some kind of SENTIENT FLESH-EATING GOOP. But then EDDIE overpowers the FLUNKY!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Quick, Katherine, I’ve unleashed some kind of yoyo bird thing, jump on it as a stepping stone to safety!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Erm, a bird in flight is neither an easy target to hit, nor physically capable of supporting the weight of a human being, so...

EDDIE REDMAYNE

It’s a magic bird, it can do whatever the fuck we want! Come on, the alternative is to stand there and get dissolved, this shouldn’t be the gut-wrenching dilemma you’re making it out to be!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Look, couldn’t you just use a Summoning Charm on my chair like you did earlier with-

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oh shut up. If we're going to bring up magic that this movie keeps forgetting about, couldn't you just teleport six feet? JUMP ON THE DAMN BIRD ALREADY.

KATHERINE jumps on the BIRD like this is fucking MARIO BROTHERS or something, and she and EDDIE meet up with DAN and ALISON and they all GET AWAY.

INT. MACY’S

EDDIE, KATHERINE, DAN and ALISON all arrive at the last POKÉSTOP.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

This time we have to catch some kind of albino sloth thing. It’ll be really tricky to find because it has the ability to turn invisible-

The SLOTH THING turns VISIBLE for the remainder of the movie.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

...Oh. Well it also has short-term precognitive abilities, so trying to take down something which can anticipate your every move-

The SLOTH THING proceeds to not do anything at all with its PRECOGNITIVE ABILITIES.

ALISON SUDOL

Well this thing is just a complete dud, isn't it? Don't worry, we can salvage this scene by having Eddie be savagely incompetent at his job.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

OOOPS ONE OF MY SNAKE BIRDS GOT OUT WITHOUT MY NOTICING AND FUCK IT’S GIGANTIC NOW, SOMEBODY LURE IT WITH A COCKROACH BEFORE IT BOA-CONSTRICTS US ALL TO DEATH!

DAN grabs a COCKROACH off the FLOOR and ALISON puts it in a TEAPOT.

SNAKE BIRD

Holy shit, is that a cockroach?! Omigod omigod omigod I gotta eat THAT cockroach, yes there are like a dozen similar such cockroaches here in this attic and I’ve apparently been sitting here ignoring them, but as soon as I saw that cockroach go into that teapot I realized I absolutely must eat THAT COCKROACH AND NOTHING ELSE CHAAARRGE

ALISON SUDOL

To be fair, that's no more irrational than your average housecat.

The SNAKE BIRD dives into the TEAPOT, shrinking down to an appropriate size as it goes.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

See, its thing is that it changes size to fill its surroundings! Now let’s put it back into the huge spacious interior of my suitcase, where it will stay small, directly contradicting the only fact we bothered to make up for it.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

So that was the last creature, yes? We’ve caught them all?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Positively affirmative, yes! I’m completely sure that no other creatures got out. And yes, five minutes ago I was completely sure that there was no giant snake bird running around, but this time I’m COMPLETELY completely sure, so we’re fine!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Great! So the climax can just go ahead and happen now, I guess.

INT. EVIL ORPHANAGE

SAMANTHA is busy BEATING EZRA, publishing INSANE ANTI-WITCHCRAFT PAMPHLETS, you know, the usual.

SAMANTHA MORTON

Grrr, how I hate witches! In fact I spend so much time vocally trying to warn everybody about the existence of witches that you’d think they’d have given me the standard memory-wipe ages ago. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, STAND UP STRAIGHT, EZRA!

(punches Ezra in the face)

GET A LESS STUPID HAIRCUT!

(throws him down the stairs)

STOP EMITTING BLACK TENDRILS OF PURE MALEVOLENT ENERGAAAAARGHBBFF ZZRRFFZZGGHHSSHHHZXLF

(dead)

EZRA MILLER

About fucking time! Man, my uncontrollable outbursts of death magic killed that politician guy after a single snide remark, why the hell did they wait so long to take out Samantha for me?

COLIN FARRELL

(showing up)

So YOU’RE the one with the Obscurial! Come with me, Ezra, I have a plan to let Muggles see wizards fucking up their shit, thus forcing a war! The many, many destructive spells I could have just used in public myself wouldn’t have counted for some reason!

EZRA MILLER

Oh you fucker, you were using me the whole time? After years of abuse from a woman who hates my kind, I meet one person like me and reach out to him in desperation, only to be betrayed?! I’m swiftly emerging as the most interesting and complex character in this whole narrative! Seems like a good time to just TURN INTO A TORNADO FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE FWOOOSSSHHH

EZRA flips out, becomes a bunch of PARTICLE EFFECTS and starts SMASHING THE CITY APART.

EZRA MILLER

Good thing these buildings I’m disintegrating are all inexplicably empty, otherwise there might be some actual murder in my murderous rampage!

Suddenly EDDIE and KATHERINE run out in front of him.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Ezra, stop! Fortunately we were nearby when you started flipping out, so we’re able to actually feature in the climax of our own movie. Anyway, uh, stop destroying everything, pretty please? I’ll be your friend?

EZRA starts to CALM DOWN.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Oh wow, are we going to resolve the climactic conflict through compassion and healing, Lego Movie-style? What an unexpectedly thoughtful and cathartic-

A hundred WIZARD COPS show up and zap EZRA with a MILLION VOLTS OF MAGIC until he EXPLODES.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Never mind.

CARMEN EJOGO

All right then, we stopped Ezra, and we caught Colin, who we’re holding accountable for everything even though Ezra’s psychotic break presumably would have happened anyway. Now let’s do the Scooby-Doo ending!

They unmask COLIN to reveal... JOHNNY DEPP AS BLOATED OLD MAN WINTER!

CARMEN EJOGO

Gasp! Colin Farrell and Johnny Depp are the same person? Shit, we’re not in Christopher Plummer’s weird-ass mirror, are we?

JOHNNY DEPP

That’s right, it is I, the guy who had all of Europe shitting its pants in the opening newspaper montage, possibly the most powerful and dangerous dark wizard in all Harry Potter canon! Apparently I’ve been posing as a civil servant and chatting up troubled teens. Talk about a letdown.

CARMEN EJOGO

Well then, since this is something we've established as a thing for dangerous criminals in this setting: TO THE WITCH DISSOLVING ROOM WITH YOU!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Pssst, Carmen. The sequels?

CARMEN EJOGO

Oh, right. Take him to prison then, to await his inevitable escape in, I’m guessing, movie three? Sounds about right.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

That takes care of Ezra and Colin, but what about the thousands of Muggles who saw a giant CGI destructo-cloud tear New York City a new one? Our secret is out!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Ah, now, you’re forgetting J.K. Rowling’s habit of just pulling some random MacGuffin out of her ass at the end to fix everything. Of course, for this series instead of convenient spells and artefacts, we’ll be going with an unlikely array of convenient animals.

EDDIE sends his THUNDERBIRD to make it rain YOYO BIRD VENOM, which conveniently WIPES EVERYONE’S MEMORIES.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

See? All the Muggles will get rained on and forget the specific parts of the past few days that we want them to! Even the ones who are inside, or already fled town when everything started exploding!

CARMEN EJOGO

Awesome! And when our wizards go around fixing all the destroyed buildings, will they be able to wander through the memory-erasing rain seemingly without it having any effect on them?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Um, sure! Why the fuck not.

CARMEN EJOGO

Well that’s everything sorted then! Oh, except you have to wipe Dan’s memory as well. You know, your good friend, who you haven’t mindwiped yet despite several warnings? We’ll just wander off and assume you did this thing.

(leaves)

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Ha! That makes it easy for us, we can just pretend to wipe Dan’s memory but secretly, you know, not.

DAN FOGLER

Nah. Just do it, man.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

What? Dude. No. There’s absolutely no reason for this to happen.

DAN FOGLER

Not even shoehorning in a completely artificial note of poignancy?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oh well, there’s that I guess.

ALISON SUDOL

I’ll miss you most of all, Dan! I love you, you overweight schlub I’ve known for like thirty hours who has done almost nothing this entire movie!

DAN wanders into the AMNESIA RAIN and FORGETS EVERYTHING.

DAN FOGLER

Dorp, I seem to be missing several days worth of memory! I’ll just take my cue from everybody else in the city and not be alarmed by this at all.

EXT. DOCK

EDDIE is about to board the boat back to ENGLAND.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Gosh it's nice the Wizard Government and I are now best of friends, considering my reckless and extremely illegal animal smuggling came so close to destroying the secrecy of our world and getting a bunch of people killed.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

I’ll miss you, Eddie! This is such an emotional parting, even though being separated by an ocean means a hell of a lot less in a magical setting where a Portkey can instantly transport somebody anywhere in the world. In fact, why the hell are you taking a boat in the first place?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Good question. Oh well, it’ll give me plenty of time to work on my book: “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Sounds great! And who knows, maybe one day Hollywood will let you adapt your hundred-page list of animals into a series of five blockbuster adventure movies.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Don’t be stupid, nobody sells out THAT hard.

END.