FADE IN:

EXT. TEXAS

91-YEAR-OLD former rodeo star and sentient strip of beef jerky CLINT EASTWOOD totters up to work for rancher DWIGHT YOAKAM.

DWIGHT YOAKAM

You know you can retire anytime, right?

CLINT EASTWOOD

(sways)

Heck, why should I?

DWIGHT YOAKAM

I was just trying to be polite -- you’re fired. Your life is pointless, you’ve got absolutely nothing to offer anyone and I never want to see you again!

INT. ONE SCENE LATER

DWIGHT YOAKAM

Clint, you are my number one favorite person in the world and no one else can help me! Go down to Mexico and kidnap -- er, rescue my kid Eduardo Minett from his abusive mom.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(is 91 fucking years old)

DWIGHT YOAKAM

Fair point, but you owe me for when I took care of you after you broke your back and your dead wife and kid, who are dead now, died in an accident that made them very dead. Now that I’ve thoroughly bummed you out, will you just get going already?

INT. MEXICO CITY

CLINT finds DWIGHT’S ex-wife FERNANDA URREJOLA at her DRUG SEX MANSION.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Looks pretty well-guarded, so there’s no way I can just amble right on in.

(ambles right on in)

FERNANDA URREJOLA

Bienvenidos! I’m some sort of...sex kingpin? Crime lady? It’s not very clear, actually, and I only seem to have one henchman.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Swell. Can I have Eduardo?

FERNANDA URREJOLA

Sure.

CLINT EASTWOOD

I -- wait, really?

FERNANDA URREJOLA

Yeah, but you should know he’s involved with a lot of despicable shit.

CLINT EASTWOOD

He’s thirteen; how bad can it be?

CLINT finds EDUARDO at a COCKFIGHT.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Oh. Well, your pappy sent me to drive your ass to Texas, so let’s git. He’s got a ranch, horses, guitars, Cadillacs, etc., etc. And who knows, if you’re lucky you might get to meet Michael Vick!

EDUARDO MINETT

I’ll only come if I can take my prize cock, Macho.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Heh, you said “cock.”

(winks)

That’s right folks, getting old is mandatory but growing out of middle school dick jokes is a choice!

BLINK 182

(breathes a sigh of relief)

Suddenly, the POLICE show up.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Oh no, it’s not like I can just leisurely shuffle behind this random fence to wait out the raid.

(leisurely shuffles behind a random fence to wait out the raid)

FERNANDA URREJOLA

I know I said you could take Eduardo, but then I realized we should at least try to give this movie an antagonist, so the deal’s off.

(brief pause)

Now let’s bang.

CLINT EASTWOOD

?!

FERNANDA URREJOLA

Come on, I’m only -- holy hell, fifty years younger than you.

Considering he’s fresh off directing himself through SEVERAL THREESOMES in The Mule, CLINT shows some surprising restraint and turns her down.

EXT. GRANDE TORINO

CLINT drives off, but EDUARDO and MACHO burst out of the back seat like they’re in a slasher movie.

MACHO THE ROOSTER

Cock-a-doodle-doo, bitch!

CLINT EASTWOOD

(swerves off the road)

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU THINK

THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA

(nearly has a heart attack)

EDUARDO MINETT

So let me guess: you’ll take me under your wing while cracking a bunch of racist jokes but ultimately redeem yourself by teaching me what it means to be a man?

CLINT EASTWOOD

We’ve mercifully done away with the most overt racism this time, but we also basically took out all of the drama. At least I don’t sing in this one.

They stop at a DINER to get a good BUZZ on for the rest of the drive.

EDUARDO MINETT

Aren’t you in recovery?

CLINT EASTWOOD

(grimaces)

EDUARDO MINETT

Forget I asked.

Before CLINT can relapse, FERNANDA’S henchman HORACIO GARCIA ROJAS arrives.

HORACIO GARCIA ROJAS

You’re coming with me, Eduardo!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Not if I can help it!

CLINT throws a PUNCH so slow it makes the ZOOTOPIA SLOTHS look like QUICKSILVER.

EDUARDO MINETT

Did you think Horacio had one of those shields from Dune?

HORACIO GARCIA ROJAS

Honestly, that was so pathetic that I kinda feel bad, so you can take Eduardo back and have a head start.

EXT. PLAY MACHO FOR ME

CLINT squints plaintively into the middle distance as he drives.

EDUARDO MINETT

I bet you're reflecting on how a lifetime of trying to be “macho” has left you an empty shell of a man, and hoping that you can stop me from a similar fate.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Sure, but mostly I was thinking about how this was gonna star Ahnuld back in the day and how much zanier that might have been.

EXT. MEANWHILE IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Get to da bördah! Come ӓhn, dö it! NAOW!!!

INT. BACK IN THE CURRENT MACHO-VERSE

CLINT gets FOOD POISONING, but EDUARDO gives him a MAGIC PLANT and mercifully spares the AUDIENCE a scene of CLINT shitting himself.

EDUARDO MINETT

We just had to throw in a “Montezuma’s revenge” joke, huh?

CLINT EASTWOOD

Hey, I never said I'd leave out all the stereotypes!

Some THIEVES steal their car, but are immediately ARRESTED because apparently O. HENRY did a pass on the screenplay.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Guess we’re walkin’ from here.

(deliberately puts one foot in front of the other)

(teeters)

EDUARDO MINETT

Somehow this is the tensest scene in the whole movie.

EXT. VILLAGE

CLINT and EDUARDO arrive and find out the POLICE are looking for them.

EDUARDO MINETT

Clint, you stick out like an arthritic thumb. Here, put on this slightly different jacket and then no one will recognize your gringo ass.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(growls)

EDUARDO MINETT

Given how subtle most of this movie is, just be glad it doesn’t come with an oversized stick-on mustache.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Well, I suppose it’s time to unpack more of my haunted protagonist starter kit: dead family, substance abuse, you know the drill -- but goddamn if I don’t act the hell out of this scene.

EDUARDO MINETT

Yeah, about that...I know you can pull off your whole one-take thing, but any chance I could get a few more tries? I’m still trying to find the happy medium between telenovela and plywood.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Sorry, kid -- but if it makes you feel any better, this is the only scene where I make that much effort.

INT. BRIDGES OF MALPASO COUNTY

NATALIA TRAVEN lets CLINT and EDUARDO crash at her RESTAURANT.

EDUARDO MINETT

Did I miss something -- why exactly are you helping us?

NATALIA TRAVEN

(bats eyes at CLINT)

EDUARDO MINETT

Oh for fuck’s sake, why is every señora in Mexico so thirsty for Clint’s geriatric boner?!

DIRECTOR CLINT EASTWOOD

Who, me?

(angelic smile)

NATALIA TRAVEN

(sexily kneading tortilla)

And I’m only forty years younger!

CLINT’S SILHOUETTE breaks some WILD HORSES in a scene shot from about a mile away and it’s definitely really him and not a STUNT DOUBLE.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Even that plastic baby in American Sniper was more believable than this.

EDUARDO MINETT

How did you get to be so good at cowboying?

CLINT EASTWOOD

This is set in the 1970s, so I’m basically old enough to have been in the actual Wild West.

Word of CLINT’S ANIMAL SKILLS spreads across the land.

VILLAGER

Clint, my dog keeps throwing up when I feed him xylitol gum and chocolate -- whatever should I dooo?!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Have you tried...not feeding him that?

VILLAGER

(erecting temple in CLINT’S honor)

HOLY FUCKING DICK DID YOU HEAR THAT THE MAN IS LITERALLY A GENIUS

NATALIA TRAVEN

RAVISH ME NOW

EXT. MILLION PESO BABY

CLINT leans on NATALIA for support as he shuffles around her restaurant dances with her until he finally remembers there’s supposed to be a plot and calls up DWIGHT.

DWIGHT YOAKAM

What the hell; you’re still a thousand miles from nowhere and time does matter to me! Aaaaalso I maybe kinda sorta just want to use Eduardo as a pawn in a vague court battle for his mom’s money.

EDUARDO MINETT

NOOOO how dare you not have my best interests at heart, father who abandoned me to my abusive mom years ago!

CLINT EASTWOOD

I know you were excited about Dwight’s ranch but there are horses here, too, plus you have a crush on a local girl who’s even too young to be into me, so...do you not want to go back?

EDUARDO MINETT

(shrug)

Nah, I’ll still go.

NATALIA TRAVEN

Bye buddy, hope you find your dad!

EXT. THE BORDER AND NO WE’RE NOT MAKING A TRUMP JOKE

They’ve almost made it when --

HORACIO GARCIA ROJAS

(crashing into CLINT’S car)

Surprise!

CLINT EASTWOOD

I’m all out of slow punches, so I guess I’d better make a poignant sacrifice before something really silly happens like the rooster saving the day --

MACHO promptly cockslaps (ayyy!) HORACIO into submission.

CLINT EASTWOOD

...really should have seen that coming, shouldn’t I?

EDUARDO MINETT

Well, guess this is it. I know I’ve been a snarky little shit, but it’s pretty impressive that you’re still going strong and there are worse things than a hangout movie with an earnest message about finding a new family.

VIN DIESEL

(sips Corona approvingly)

CLINT decides to stay with NATALIA.

NATALIA TRAVEN

(looking out at deserted theater)

Too bad the older crowd this is aimed at isn’t exactly flocking back to the movies yet.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Oh don’t worry, I’m used to talking to empty chairs.

END.