FADE IN:

INT. MAGICAL, EXCITING BANK VAULT

DANIEL RADCLIFFE, EMMA WATSON, and RUPERT GRINT sneak into A BANK, EMMA disguised as HELENA BONHAM CARTER, DANIEL disguised as INVISIBLE, and RUPERT disguised as a DORK.

EMMA WATSON

So the plan is that I just walk up to the head banker, demand to enter Helena Bonham Carter's vault, and destroy all of her copies of "Planet of the Apes", right?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No, no, we're destroying horcruxes! Remember, the things that JK Rowling came up with in the sixth book but pretended had been around since the first one?

EMMA WATSON

Oh right.  Okay, stop distracting me, I have to concentrate to walk in high-heels even though I wore high-heels without a problem in the other movies.

EMMA approaches one member of the RACE OF CREATURES THAT WORK EXCLUSIVELY IN BANKS.

BANKER GOBLIN

I am suspicious of you since you seem to be yet another actress doing an extended impersonation of Emma Watson's overacting.

EMMA WATSON

It pretty much consists of arching your eyebrows up and saying all your lines while pretending you're watching a YouTube video of a snake eating a mouse.

BANKER GOBLIN

Guards!

RUPERT GRINT

Oh no, everyone is slowly closing in on us and the tension is mounting!  We're going to be found out, what will--

BANKER GOBLIN

(magic!)

Did you just use Uma Thurman's weapon from Batman and Robin on me?  Why didn't you just do that when you came in?  Whatever, I'll take you assholes to your vault now.

They travel to a VAULT in the most INEFFICIENTLY DESIGNED BANK EVER CONCEIVED.  It's also guarded by a DRAGON because FUCK LOCKS.

BANKER GOBLIN

Hey, the drugs you drugged me with wore off and now I'm pissed, and not just at the missed opportunity to start the movie with a magic bank heist instead of more of the same old polyjuice potion bullshit!

RUPERT drugs him again, and in his intoxicated state he gets BURNED ALIVE by the DRAGON.

RUPERT GRINT

Can we all ignore the fact that I basically just murdered an innocent banker merely doing his job?

EMMA WATSON

Here's Helena's vault.  Be careful in there, this is where she keeps all of her gold and jewels, but if you touch anything it will multiply infinitely causing inflation and diluting market value!

RUPERT GRINT

How will you find the horcrux in here?  I'm no help unless it's got red and white stripes.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It's okay, I can hear horcruxes now.  Also, when we destroy them, Ralph Fiennes can feel it even though the other films specifically showed that not to be the case.

EMMA WATSON

Ugh, what's next, horcruxes can be destroyed by something other than the magical sword we spent the last movie looking for?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yeah, now they be killed by, oh let's say, magical teeth!  In fact, that sword was only useful in the first place because it had some tooth residue on it!

This is the ACTUAL EXPLANATION.

They take the HOLY GRAIL HORCRUX and proceed to the NEXT LEVEL after SAVING THEIR GAME.

INT. HOGWARTS

DANIEL AND HIS USELESS TAGALONG FRIENDS use a SECRET PASSAGEWAY to sneak into the heavily guarded castle fortress of HOGWARTS.  They find the other students.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright everyone, there are two horcruxes left and one of them has to be here because this set was way too expensive not to reuse.

EMMA WATSON

We don't know what it looks like or where it is, but we do know that it's small and easy to hide.  Oh, and it might be extra hidden because of magic, naturally.

EVANNA LYNCH

Brazzle dishwasher froob, it's probably Kelly Macdonald's crown!

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody 'ell, Evanna.  We just drew attention to the impossibility of our task for comedic effect.  There's no way this shit is so lazily written that literally the very first thing you suggest would be--

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It's the crown, I can feel it.  I wonder what obstacle I'll have to overcome to get it.  A two-headed dragon?  A giant troll?

KELLY MACDONALD'S GHOST

Just convince me you really really want it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

How did we manage to run out of magical obstacles?  Aren't we dealing with material that makes such a thing impossible? Whatever, I need to destroy the crown, the last guy who had it put a part of himself inside of it.

KELLY MACDONALD'S GHOST

Ew, which part?  In any case, I don't believe you!

(pause)

Okay, I believe you now, the crown you need is inside of the room that is by definition the room that has whatever you need inside of it.

DANIEL re-enters the ROOM OF WRITING MYSELF INTO A CORNER and acquires the next MAGICAL MACGUFFIN, gaining 3,000 XP!

Meanwhile, RALPH FIENNES and his ARMY OF GUYS WHO WEAR DARK CLOTHING descend upon HOGWARTS.

EVANNA LYNCH

Sweet, it's the payoff to all of those scenes of us training, narble kumquat zoomoodle!

KATIE LEUNG

Yeah, we can finally come together as a student body and defend our school!

BONNIE WRIGHT

Not only will it complete the arc of this entire class, but our unity will serve to reiterate the importance of the school, packing its destruction with emotional intensity!

The PROFESSORS defend the school with MAGIC while the STUDENTS do NOTHING except occasionally DIE.  BONNIE WRIGHT'S MOTHER goes all ELLEN RIPLEY on HELENA BONHAM CARTER while BONNIE stands there helpless.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Great, the fifth movie basically just got turned into bonus footage. I had a lot of lines in that one.

SOME SLYTHERIN GIRL

This is happening because Ralph wants to kill Daniel.  Can we at least entertain the thought of saving lives by handing him over?

PROFESSOR MAGGIE SMITH

That's it, I want the entirety of Slytherin House locked in the dungeon for the duration of the film!

SOME SLYTHERIN GIRL

Why the fuck do you even admit an entire group of kids to the school that you seem to have no qualms about collectively classifying as irredeemable douchebags?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

She's right, I must face him.  And by face him, I mean sneak around behind him and kill his snake, the final horcrux, when he's not paying attention.

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT sneak around only to catch a glimpse of RALPH killing ALAN RICKMAN!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yipee-ki-yay, motherfucker!  No, I'm kidding, I'm totally super sad you're dying even though you murdered my surrogate father figure.

ALAN RICKMAN

(wheezing)

I had to kill him.  It was part of his master plan for me to earn Ralph Fiennes's trust.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Looks like that worked out well.  Why?

ALAN RICKMAN

(murmuring)

Because I was in love with your mother.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That actually doesn't answer my question, but go on.

ALAN RICKMAN

(gasping)

I loved your mother since we were children.  We used to laugh and frolic in the grass, but the sorting hat sat her next to your father at lunch and over the next few years I got to watch them fall in love.

(coughing)

Occasionally they would fight and she'd confide in me and cry on my shoulder.  I would tell her he didn't deserve her with the hope that she'd realize how sweet and sensitive I was and kiss me.  But alas, she would always go back to him.

(rasping)

Once I joked about the possibility of us getting together, but she told me she valued our friendship too much and loved me "like a sister."  Things got awkward and we drifted apart, though I would read her Facebook status updates every day.

(panting)

Eventually the two of them invited me to their wedding, but during their first dance I slipped out the back door, went home, and opened a bottle of Jack Daniel's.  I removed a graduation picture of the three of us from the frame and folded your father back, then imagined my life with her. I futilely tried to masturbate, but instead I wound up crying myself to sleep on my futon.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(pause)

Okay, "The Friend Zone" has officially been renamed "The Snape Zone."

ALAN RICKMAN

The point is, I know I was an asshole to you for seven years but it was only because I wanted to stick it in your mom.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I will name my child after you.

ALAN RICKMAN

Oh, and Michael Gambon only kept you alive so Ralph could kill you later.

(dies)

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I'll name my child after him too.

DANIEL, heart heavy with responsibility, resigns himself to his death.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I'm a horcrux, Emma.  I have to die.

EMMA WATSON

You think now's the best time? You don't want to try and make sure we destroy the snake first?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No, I definitely need to go now.  And I'm not going to bother finding my girlfriend and saying goodbye first.  I'm not even going to say goodbye to Rupert, who's literally standing right next to you.  Fuck you, Rupert.

DANIEL goes into the woods to confront RALPH FIENNES.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright.  Here I am.  I'm just going to let you kill me because that will destroy you as well.  If you're going to steal your ending from another movie, why not pick the worst Matrix film?

RALPH FIENNES

Pffft, wait until you see the all-white train station limbo you go to when you die.  AVADA KADAVRA!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Did you just yell "abracadbra" at me?  I swear I'll never understand how people take these movies seriously.

(dies)

INT. KING'S CROSS STATION

DANIEL wanders around a bit and finds a RALPH FIENNES FETUS ABORTION.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I have absolutely no doubt that the prop guy who made that killed himself afterward.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Daniel, you can choose to come alive again if you want.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Seriously?  I don't use the resurrection stone or a clever spell or even some brand new magic bullshit that J.K. Rowling made up?  I just decide not to die?  Why the fuck didn't my dickhole parents or Gary Oldman just decide not to die?

MICHAEL GAMBON

I'm sure the books do at least a slightly better job of explaining this complete nonsense, maybe you should read them.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Why do people keep suggesting that?  I already want back the 20 hours of my life spent watching these things, you honestly think I'd read 4,000 more pages of it?  The only thing I'd use those books for at this point would be bludgeoning myself to death.  Speaking of death, since this is obviously in my head, should I just wake up or something to get this series over with?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Just because it's inside your head doesn't mean it's not real!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Actually, it rather precisely means it's not real you fucking solopsist.

EXT. HOGWARTS

DANIEL reawakens at HOGWARTS, having been carried there by ROBBIE COLTRANE.  RALPH FIENNES taunts the SCHOOL.

RALPH FIENNES

Mwa-ha-ha, I killed one of your worst wizards, behold my power!

TOM FELTON

Considering the direction my character has been going for the last seven films, clearly I should stand with my fellow students against you.

(pause)

Ah, fuck it.

TOM joins RALPH, who gives him an AWKWARDLY HILARIOUS HUG, because what's a SUPERVILLAIN good for if not COMIC RELIEF?

TOM FELTON

No, don't hug me!  Great, more fodder for gay drawings of me on deviantART.

Suddenly, DANIEL reveals that he is ALIVE and the school erupts in ANOTHER BATTLE.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Can someone tell me where Evanna Lynch is?  I have to tell her I love her, I don't want to die in The Snape Zone!

DANIEL and RALPH take a MAGIC CARPET RIDE and face off against each other.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

We'd better hurry up and end this fight scene before the audience realizes it's just two people pointing twigs at each other.

RALPH FIENNES

Hey, where's my snake?  I've been super protective of it for the entire movie but suddenly I've stopped paying attention to it entirely!

MATTHEW LEWIS kills the SNAKE!

TOM FELTON

Okay, see?  That would have been the perfect thing for me to do as an act of redemption.  But no, my parents and I will just go ahead and sneak away during the fighting like spineless little bitches instead.  That's fine.  Great work, everyone.

RALPH FIENNES'S WAND malfunctions and he proceeds to SNOWGLOBE TO DEATH silently.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Is that it?  IS THAT FUCKING IT?  Seven fucking films of buildup to the final confrontation, for that?  It looks like the fucking chubby plant kid killed him!  We're not just ruining one film with this horseshit you know, we're ruining eight!  Arrrgghhhh!

RUPERT GRINT

Wait, what the hell just happened?

EMMA WATSON

Wands are loyal to their owners.  Since Felton knocked the wand out of Gambon's hand and Daniel knocked it out of Felton's, he was the rightful owner of Ralph's wand, so it betrayed him at the last possible second after letting him kill half the school.

RUPERT GRINT

Why don't wands just have wrist straps?  My Nintendo Wii has that shit.

DANIEL snaps the WAND in half.

EMMA WATSON

Why did you do that, to stop power from falling into the wrong hands again?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Nah, I'm destroying all the props I can.  I figure Warner Brothers is already having meetings about when they can reboot the franchise and make all 8 movies again.  I figure if I break enough shit I can hold them off for few years.

19 YEARS LATER everyone STILL ALIVE is wearing RIDICULOUS-LOOKING MAKEUP and the AUDIENCE creams their UNDEROOS over it.

END, FUCKING FINALLY