FADE IN:

INT. DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S HOUSE

BRENDAN GLEESON, RUPERT GRINT, EMMA WATSON, and a HANDFUL OF ACTORS WHO BRIBED DIRECTOR DAVID YATES TO GET A SINGLE SPOKEN LINE IN THE MOVIE all meet DANIEL in his home.

RUPERT GRINT

Good to see you, Daniel.  I hope you said goodbye to your comical fat foster family because this magic stuff is super duper serious from now on.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

They left without saying a word.  The kid that used to bully me didn't even get to face the camera, making his inclusion in the series utterly pointless.  Spent a good ten minutes of screen time with the broom closet, though.

EMMA WATSON

That's nothing, I erased my parent's memories of me forever.  Now they've got a bunch of photos on their mantle of Sears portrait studio backdrops.  Nothing suspicious about that.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Holy shit, that's an option?  Wait, do me next, I want to forget I was ever in these movies!

BRENDAN GLEESON

Grizzle grumble growl and grouse!  Everyone take this potion, it will make you look like Daniel Radcliffe.  Be forewarned, if you go out in public you'll be accosted by 12-year-old girls.

Everyone transforms into DANIEL, then they all split up to trick the other half of the ADULTS IN THE CAST.  DANIEL'S OWL gives away his identity and he is attacked by RALPH FIENNES.

RALPH FIENNES

Nice trick, Daniel, but you forgot that even though magic cannot detect you, a bird can!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

And you forgot that my wand is suddenly more powerful than yours for some reason!  Eat wobbly lightsaber!

DANIEL dispatches RALPH, but DANIEL'S magical flying motorcycle runs out of unleaded gasoline, causing him to crash.  Everyone meets up at RUPERT GRINT'S HOUSE.

DAVID THEWLIS

Brendan is dead, by the way.  Died off camera, but I suppose that's a fitting demise for an important character.

BILL NIGHY approaches.

DAVID THEWLIS

Wow, Bill Nighy!  This movie's cast has the most talented British actors alive today!

BILL NIGHY

Well, we really just have cameos.  The real stars are the three kids whose acting skills have only marginally improved over the last decade and who are clearly weary of playing their roles.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(mumbles lines)

BILL NIGHY

As the new minister of magic, it is my duty to provide you kids with the items that Michael Gambon left to you in his will.

(pause)

First, to Daniel.  He left a super awesome sword that will help you destroy Ralph Fiennes.  But I lost it and you're not allowed to have it anyway.  Frankly, I don't know why I even mentioned it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Even in death, he's still trying to save my pathetic ass.  Thanks, Michael.

BILL NIGHY

Next, to Emma.  He has left you a book that looks like children's stories, but is quite obviously a book of clues. How I can manage to miss this is astonishing.

EMMA WATSON

I hope I find the answers to various puzzles just as the film requires me to!

BILL NIGHY

And finally, Rupert.  It's a flashlight.  Enjoy.

RUPERT GRINT

Gambon, you dick.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright, it sounds like we need to acquire a magical sword and collect seven enchanted objects to destroy the evil wizard.

EMMA WATSON

We can use my magic sack, which allows me to store an infinite number of items larger than itself.

RUPERT GRINT

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Deathly Hallows.

INT. MINISTRY OF MAGIC

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT use MAGIC to morph into THREE ACTORS WHO DIDN'T BRIBE DAVID YATES QUITE ENOUGH FOR A LINE.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The first magical item is a locket around Imelda Staunton's neck.  We'll be okay now that we've made ourselves look like some random bureaucrats.

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell, how is it possible to have any kind of government in a world where a magical potion can make you look like someone else and a magical spell can control someone's mind?

EMMA WATSON

I'm sure if it were to become a problem, the next J.K. Rowling book would have some sudden explanation for why it isn't because of heretofore unheard of magic. The blurgle-purgle spell or some shit.

IMELDA STAUNTON

We at the ministry must put muggles in their rightful place!  All mixed bloods must be registered to preserve the purity of our society! Magic uber alles!

(pause)

In case you're all morons, we're nazis now.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Didn't you get eaten by minotaurs two movies ago?

DANIEL freezes IMELDA and they steal the LOCKET.  MISSION 1 COMPLETED!

EXT. WOODS

Everyone teleports to the WOODS.

EMMA WATSON

I teleported us here to keep us safe.  Teleporting is something we can do unless the plot requires we can't, by the way.  Anyway, I figured we could wander around aimlessly until the next movie.

RUPERT GRINT

Dammit Emma, you've Lord of the Ringsed the franchise!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hey, she's trying to help, don't start picking on her just because you've spent countless hours in the gym and still just look like a red-headed Donald Trump.

RUPERT GRINT

Fuck you, Daniel!  This movie needs some arbitrary personal drama and I'm gonna deliver it!  I'm out of here!

RUPERT leaves.  DANIEL and EMMA muck about for a while.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Things sure are grim for us.

EMMA WATSON

Yep, quite grim.  See how serious my face is?  That's how grim things are.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yep.

(hours pass)

You know, this is the part of the book that everyone probably skimmed through to get to the end.  We probably don't have to show all of this.

EMMA WATSON

Indeed.  Let's go get the sword from the bottom of the lake and move on with things.

They DO.  RUPERT returns and attempts to destroy the locket.

LOCKET

Rupert!  To destroy me you must confront your greatest fear!

RUPERT GRINT

That's all I ever do. What's my big fear now?

LOCKET

Daniel and Emma are going to get to third base!

RUPERT GRINT

Wait, that's my biggest fear?  Not that my family might be murdered?  You know, the one I've been listening for on the radio incessantly to see if they've been murdered?  But yeah, sure, Daniel finger blasting Emma Watson, that's a fucking disaster.

LOCKET

Also spiders!

RUPERT destroys the LOCKET.

EMMA WATSON

I'll consult the book to see if there's a clue for where we get the next horcrux.  Let's see... "once upon a time, Daniel, Emma and Rupert went to visit Rhys Ifans."  Oh, fair enough.

INT. RHYS IFANS'S HOUSE

The TRIO visit RHYS IFANS.

RHYS IFANS

Oh, you're looking for the next horcrux.  Well how about instead I tell you about the Deathly Hallows?

EMMA WATSON

That's fine, the audience has been watching dialogue for the last two hours anyway.

RUPERT GRINT

Let's at least put a cartoon on in the background for them.

The TRIO learn about the DEATHLY HALLOWS from RHYS.

RHYS IFANS

...and naturally the deathly hallows led to yet another secret society that has gone unmentioned in every previous installment.

EMMA WATSON

So we need to get three more magical items: a wand, a rock, and a cape exactly identical to the one that Daniel got in the first movie.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

More magical MacGuffins to collect.  God damn, Rowling, when all you have is a hammer...

Suddenly, they are attacked by SMOKE MONSTERS.

RUPERT GRINT

Rhys, you traitor!  Why did you give us up?

RHYS IFANS

I'm just trying to move this shit along, watching people go camping is only interesting if they're at Crystal Lake!

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT are captured and brought to JASON ISAAC'S HOUSE and thrown in the DUNGEON.

INT. JASON ISAAC'S HOUSE - DUNGEON

DANIEL and RUPERT find JOHN HURT and EVANNA LYNCH.

JOHN HURT

There's no way out of here.  Jesus, I'm John Fucking Hurt and I only have one line in this bullshit.

TOBY JONES AS CGI ELF

(teleporting in)

And it's not even accurate.  I'm a house elf, so I can teleport us out for some reason.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Thank God, we faced that challenge for almost fifteen seconds.

RUPERT GRINT

I'm just glad the most annoying character from the most annoying movie is finally here.

TOBY teleports everyone out of the dungeon but gets hit by an insanely fast dagger.

RUPERT GRINT

Whew, lucky that dagger didn't hit someone that actually matters.

EMMA WATSON

No, this is actually sad.  Hear the music?  We're supposed to care.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

About him?  The poorly-animated, irritating creature?  He's the fucking Jar-Jar Binks of these movies.

EMMA WATSON

Yeah well, you have to read the book to see why it matters.

RUPERT GRINT

If one more idiot justifies how stupid these movies are by saying I need to read 4,000 pages of this nonsense to understand them, I'm going to shove this wand right up their arse.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright, Gollum is dead.  Let's go get the next magical item.

EMMA WATSON

Oh, no, the movie's over now.  Next one comes out in a few months.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

How can it possibly end here?  The trailer showed a whole bunch of epic shit happening!  You're telling me every scene from the trailer for this movie is in a different movie?

RUPERT GRINT

Did we just shoot the seventh movie and then jam all the deleted scenes together to make this one?  This is the DeVito to the next movie's Schwarzenegger.

EMMA WATSON

It's really not so much a movie as much as it is a bookmark.

Meanwhile, RALPH FIENNES digs up MICHAEL GAMBON'S grave to steal a WAND THAT LOOKS LIKE A WOODEN STRING OF ANAL BEADS.

PAUSE