FADE IN:

INT. SUBWAY

DANIEL RADCLIFFE sits and reads a NEWSPAPER, full of fictional tales of goings-on in a land far detached from our world.  He then puts down USA TODAY and reads his WIZARD'S NEWS instead.

CAFE WAITRESS

Nice moving newspaper.  Who's this Daniel Radcliffe mentioned on the front page?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Nobody.  I think he fucks horses.  Hey so, since you're flirting with me as obviously as possible, I was wondering...

CAFE WAITRESS

Eleven.  That's when I get off.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, I very much doubt it.

DANIEL watches as MICHAEL GAMBON terrifyingly appears across the tracks.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Daniel, we must go somewhere together.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Right now?  There's this waitress and I think she thinks I'm famous or something.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Right now, Daniel.  Cockitus Blockitus!

They teleport to JIM BROADBENT'S HOUSE and find JIM BROADBENT, who was disguised as an ARMCHAIR.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Why are you dressed up like furniture, Jim?

JIM BROADBENT

I didn't want the audience to notice all the dark cinematography and start thinking the movie wasn't going to be idiotic.

MICHAEL GAMBON

I see.  Well, I was wondering if you would come teach a class at my school.

JIM BROADBENT

Absolutely not.

(pause)

Fine.

MICHAEL teleports DANIEL to MARK WILLIAMS'S HOUSE where he finds EMMA WATSON, RUPERT GRINT, and BONNIE WRIGHT.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hey Bonnie.  For some reason the movie is pretending you and I have some kind of sexual tension, so let's hug awkwardly.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Sounds good.  I'll behave as if I've always had a crush on you even though this concept is really only just now being introduced.

RUPERT GRINT

And I'll somehow fail to even act as though we are related!

EMMA WATSON

Oh Harry, I'm so glad to see--

THE INTERNET

Eighteen yet?

EMMA WATSON

(sighing)

Yes actually, I turned 19 on--

THE INTERNET

I WILL FUCK YOUR TITS OFF FAP FAP FAP FAP!!

EMMA WATSON

Bloody fucking hell, I can't wait to be done with these movies!

The kids make their way to HOGWARTS.  The AUDIENCE breathes a collective sigh of relief, knowing that they will not have to endure DANIEL'S SHITSUCKING FOSTER FAMILY for this movie.

INT. HOGWARTS

DANIEL talks to EMMA and RUPERT as they resume taking classes.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I think Tom Felton may be in training to become the new villain.

RUPERT GRINT

That's ludicrous.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?  He's been a son of a bitch for 5 fucking movies and his father was a villain.  Seriously, how on earth do you justify thinking I'm wrong about this?

EMMA WATSON

Don't mind Rupert, he's just pissed off that he still looks like the older Pete from "Pete and Pete" while you and I got hot.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(checking his watch)

Holy shit we're already half an hour into the movie and there are like 2,000 pages in the book left.

RUPERT GRINT

I guess we'd better go learn some new spells.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

There's no time for spells.  Let's just go to potion class so that all of the movie's magic can be done using easily collectable artifacts.

They go to JIM BROADBENT'S potion class.  DANIEL acquires a textbook that contains CHEAT CODES.

JIM BROADBENT

This you see here is a magical love potion.  Now, if all the females in the class would drool over the potion in the most sexist, demeaning way imaginable I'd really appreciate it.

They DO.

JIM BROADBENT

Great.  Now this other potion is a luck potion.  Whenever J.K. Rowling can't figure out how to resolve a situation she's written herself into, someone can just drink this and instantly move the story along.

JIM gives the luck potion to DANIEL.

EMMA WATSON

Bloody fucking hell, I wanted that for myself!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Don't you still have a time travel machine?  Why the hell don't we use that thing in every movie?

EMMA WATSON

Daniel, I know these movies are about magic but it would be pretty inexcusable if we just solved every challenge with some random magic thing every time it was convenient to the plot.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That reminds me, it's time to go see Michael Gambon.  He now has little vials of memories that I can use to see flashbacks of other people in order to fill in an arbitrary amount of backstory.

DANIEL goes to see MICHAEL and watches some memories from when RALPH FIENNES was a kid.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Well Daniel, did you learn anything?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yeah, I learned you're a moron.  How did you not know young Ralph Feinnes was evil?  He makes Damien look like Little Orphan Annie.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Well, these memories were tampered with.  I was totally smart in the real ones.  I need you to get Jim Broadbent's real memory from him.  It's a matter of life and death, but it can wait until after the Quiddich match.

The kids all practice QUIDDICH together.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Quiddich is back?  The entire previous movie existed for no reason other than to establish the imminent threat posed by Ralph Fiennes and yet this movie is going to allocate time for fucking Quiddich?

They play QUIDDICH and RUPERT manages not to make that "I just shit my pants" face for ten minutes, which becomes cause for CELEBRATION!

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah!  I'm good at sports and popular!  Hogwarts is just like your high school, kids!  Except geeks like you can be cool here!

JESSIE CAVE

Oh Rupert!  Let's make out while I act clingy and obnoxious!  That way the audience won't feel bad for me when you completely mislead me and eventually dump me for Emma.

EMMA watches JESSIE scrape the inside of RUPERT'S MOUTH with her tongue and storms off to cry.  DANIEL consoles her.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Come on, Emma.  What is this shit, 90210?  Let's stop crying about relationship crap, the movie is starting to drag and there's like 1,000 more pages...

EMMA WATSON

I just love Rupert so much!  I love the way he wears muscle shirts to show off how much time he's spent in the gym to overcompensate for his otherwise awkward appearance!  What does he see in Jessie?!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(shrugging)

Well, she's a little chunky, Emma.  She probably gives a good beej.

EMMA, distraught, decides to MURDER SOME BIRDS BY SLAMMING THEM FACE FIRST INTO A WOODEN DOOR.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Jesus fucking Christ!  How long have you been a textbook future serial killer?

RUPERT falls in love with ANNA SHAFFER who was in love with DANIEL but then he falls out of love with her and also breaks up with JESSIE so EMMA can fall back in love with him, disappointing FREDDIE STROMA who loves her; at the same time DANIEL falls out of love with KATIE LEUNG and in love with BONNIE WRIGHT who falls out of love with ALFIE ENOCH and in love with DANIEL so they KISS! It was just as painful to write that as it was to read it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow, I don't understand how the audience is willing to tolerate over two hours of this pointless horseshit.  I'm just going to drink the luck potion and move things along now.

EMMA WATSON

Why are you drinking the whole thing?  Don't you think a few sips would be enough?

He drinks it and uses LUCK to get the memory from JIM BROADBENT, then he finds MICHAEL GAMBON.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Michael, I found out that Ralph Fiennes split his soul into 7 pieces and scattered them around the world.  And yes, this really is what I learned, not the set-up to an RPG on Super Nintendo.

MICHAEL GAMBON

I know.  We already have two of the objects and I know where the third one is.  Let's go get it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What the FUCK, man?

MICHAEL and DANIEL go into a CAVE to get the THIRD OBJECT.  After MICHAEL channels MOSES for a bit, they return to the school, only to be confronted by TOM FELTON.

TOM FELTON

I'm here to kill you, Michael.  Well, mostly I'm here to sneer a lot.  But I'll kill you too.

TOM tries to kill MICHAEL but can't make himself do it.  Suddenly, SPOILER ALERT ALAN RICKMAN KILLS GAMBON!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Alan, why?

ALAN RICKMAN

Eventually I realized that, since Jim Broadbent is teaching my potions class, I must be the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, which pretty much obligated me to be the film's antagonist.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Haven't you been watching? This film was just about to get away with having no antagonist at all.

(dies)

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alan!  I totally pussed out while you killed my mentor but now I've decided to fight you!

ALAN RICKMAN

Don't bother.  I'm the Half-Blood Prince!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The who?

ALAN RICKMAN

Half-Blood Prince.  The guy that wrote all those tips in your book.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wha?

ALAN RICKMAN

It's the title of the fucking movie!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh right.  Forgot all about that.

ALAN escapes.  DANIEL mourns the loss of MICHAEL as EMMA and RUPERT comfort him.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

With Michael dead, there's nobody to save me next time I confront Ralph Fiennes.  I don't even know what one of these movies might look like without a deus ex machina.

EMMA WATSON

You're not going to face Ralph alone, Daniel.  You need us.  Er, well, you need me.  Rupert is still basically worthless.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You know, Emma, for all its flaws this movie wasn't all that horrible.  We had to endure a lot of awful movies to get one that doesn't suck dragon balls, but I'm actually kind of looking forward to the rest of the series now.

EMMA WATSON

There's only one more book.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

...

EMMA WATSON

Daniel?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Bloody fucking hell, I hate you J.K. Rowling!

END