FADE IN:

INT. SOME BEDROOM

DANIEL RADCLIFFE suddenly awakens from a nightmare.

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell, what happened?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I dreamt that this series goes on forever and people call me Harry Potter on the street until the day I die.

RUPERT GRINT

That's silly, people will remember you from Lord of the Rings, too.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What? I'm not Elijah Wood.

RUPERT GRINT

(squinting at Daniel)

You sure?

Suddenly, EMMA WATSON enters and begins overacting.

EMMA WATSON

Daniel! It's time to go to the Quiddich Tournament! Notice how carefully I pronounce every syllable? That's what makes me a good actor!

They all quickly head to some Quiddich game.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow, we're already at some big tournament. Things sure are happening quickly in this movie.

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah, everything moves really quickly because the book is so long.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Then why the hell are we spending fifteen minutes on a completely worthless sequence before we all end up back in Hogwarts?

INT. HOGWARTS

DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA return to Hogwarts to continue not really learning very much, like they always do.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Welcome back to Hogwarts for another year which will confusingly seem to be over at the end of the film. We have a new teacher for the Defence Against the Dark Arts class.. Now, I know that our first teacher for the class turned out to be evil--

MAGGIE SMITH

And the second one turned out to be a bastard, too.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Right, but don't--

MAGGIE SMITH

And the third turned out to be a werewolf.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Yes, this one is normal, I promise!

Suddenly, BRENDAN GLEESON enters with a scary fake eye, crazy hair, a fake leg, and a scowl upon his face.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Don't be suspicious of me or I'll eat yer livers. Arrr.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Additionally, we have some special guests.

Suddenly, some FRENCH WITCHES enter elegantly and have birds fly out of their clothing during a well-rehearsed entry sequence.

EMMA WATSON

They actually rehearsed entering a room? What kind of women--

Suddenly, a bunch of TOTALLY RADICAL AND BAD ASS BULGARIAN MOTHERFUCKERS enter and kick fire around and pound sticks into the ground and grunt while entering powerfully.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

This movie is truly idiotic.

MICHAEL GAMBON

They are here because we are hosting the TriWizard tournament. It is a pointless contest in which wizards and witches risk their lives for the recognition of their peers.

EMMA WATSON

What a good example to set for the audience.

MICHAEL GAMBON

This Goblet of Fire will choose the contestants, because that's an excellent way of preventing potential fraud.

The GOBLET selects SOME BULGARIAN GUY, some FRENCH CHICK, and some BRITISH DUDE.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Woohoo! Honestly, I was getting a bit disenchanted with Hogwarts, considering every year I attend the school I almost die. But this year, there's some stupid tournament and I don't have anything to do with it!

The GOBLET, realizing the title of the film, then selects DANIEL RADCLIFFE.

MICHAEL GAMBON

How unprecedented! Still, I must obey the inanimate object. Careful, all four of you. The tournament can possibly end in death.

(pause)

Except for Daniel, who everyone knows survives because there are more books in the series. Don't let that ruin any scene where the tension is dependent on his survival, though.

RUPERT GRINT

Suddenly I'm unforgivingly angry with you, Daniel! We're no longer friends.

(pause)

Okay, we're friends again.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Daniel! I need to tell you that the first task is that you have to fight a dragon.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Isn't this cheating?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Yes.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Isn't this cheating in front of the headmistress of a girl competing against me in the tournament?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Yep.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Isn't this cheating in front of the headmistress of the girl competing against me in the tournament and also the most vocal opponent to my participation?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Really not seeing where you're going with all of this. Good luck with the dragon.

Daniel goes to see BRENDAN.

BRENDAN GLEESON

I hear you have to fight a dragon. I'll help, because apparently even knowing in advance what the contest will be doesn't give you enough of a competitive advantage. What are your strengths?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, well... Um... Actually, I'm not good at anything at all. In fact, I am a remarkably poor wizard. I can fly, I guess, but that's because I have a good broom.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Great, use that.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

But I'm not allowed.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Let's all just forget that you said that for the next scene.

DANIEL fights a dragon and summons a broom, which apparently isn't within the scope of the "no broom" rule. He destroys part of the school and nearly kills a hundred or so students, but eventually DOESN'T QUITE DIE.

MAGGIE SMITH

Before we can move on to the other two pointless exercises, we must take advantage of our young stars awkwardly growing up. As such, there is a ball! And you have to invite people of different genders!

RUPERT GRINT

How incredibly relatable for the audience! Bloody hell!

Things are awkward and comical. DANIEL explores a romantic subplot with KATIE LEUNG which goes absolutely nowhere. Suddenly, EMMA WATSON shows up all dolled up and girly.

AUDIENCE

Holy shit, get a load of the--

EMMA WATSON

Not seventeen until next year.

AUDIENCE

--the purity and innocence of this young child.

Everyone DANCES until the audience tires of it. RUPERT GRINT makes EMMA cry, because that's DRAMATIC.

EMMA WATSON

Why didn't you just ask me out, Rupert?!

RUPERT GRINT

Me? Wait, seriously, are you supposed to fall in love with me or Daniel? This series can't seem to decide.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Can't be me. I have a crush on a girl with no lines.

RUPERT GRINT

Look at me. Emma is like three thousand light years out of my league.

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON interrupts to provide a hint for the tournament to DANIEL.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hey Daniel. Go take a bath with the egg you stole from the dragon. Good luck.

EMMA WATSON

Oh, sounds like you just need to open the egg underwater, Daniel.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Take a bath with the egg. What an ambiguous clue...

He takes the egg to the bathtub as the ANNOYING GHOST from the second movie returns and constantly alludes to DANIEL being naked.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I know there's some way to use this water and the egg together, but how...

ANNOYING GHOST

Maybe you should open the egg under water.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Of course! Why didn't I think of that?

ANNOYING GHOST

Seriously, why didn't you? How much help do you need, for fuck's sake?

DANIEL opens his egg underwater, presumably near the genitals the ANNOYING GHOST keeps eyeballing.

EGG

Figure out a way to hold your breath for one hour.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

An hour is nothing, I've been holding my breath to be cast in a different role for years!

DANIEL and the other CONTESTANTS go underwater to rescue someone important to them from the EVIL CGI MERMAIDS.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Is there any hidden meaning to the fact that the other guys are rescuing their female dates, but I'm rescuing Rupert Grint?

DANIEL also rescues the little sister of CLEMENCE POESY, who failed the event.

CLEMENCE POESY

You saved my sister's life! Thank you so much!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Saved her life? You mean the school would have actually allowed a little girl to die for some contest?

CLEMENCE POESY

Uh...

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

And, by extension of that, any of the people we had to rescue could have also died, even though they themselves did not choose to participate in the tournament?

CLEMENCE POESY

Er...

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

So, following this through to it's logical origin, the people in charge of the tournament kidnapped these people against their will and tied them to rocks at the bottom of the lake for a contest with which they are not involved, putting their lives in jeopardy for merely being friends or relatives of those participating in the tournament, one of whom doesn't even want to be part of it?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Stop asking questions and I'll give you second place.

He DOES, allowing DANIEL to once again BARELY NOT BE ELIMINATED despite being DRASTICALLY UNDERQUALIFIED.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Your last task is to find the Goblet in a giant maze.

The contestants enter the maze. BRENDAN GLEESON actually points DANIEL in the right direction, which a crowd of hundreds fails to notice. Despite this enormous clue, DANIEL still, somehow, manages to only find the Goblet just as his opponent, ROBERT PATTINSON, does. They touch it together and are magically transported to a SPOOKY GRAVEYARD.

EXT. SPOOKY GRAVEYARD

TIMOTHY SPALL appears and takes some blood from DANIEL.

TIMOTHY SPALL

Now that I have a drop of Daniel Radcliffe's blood, I can combine it with a bone and my own hand to cast a spell that will bring Lord Ralph Fiennes back!

He DOES. RALPH FIENNES materializes unthreateningly, except he doesn't have a nose, which is kind of scary, sort of.

LORD RALPH FIENNES

At last, Daniel! We meet for the first time since I almost killed you! Not counting when I was on the back of that guy's head in the first movie. Or when you met me as a young man in the second movie.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I haven't seen you in almost two years, then! It's like an eternity!

LORD RALPH FIENNES

At last I shall finish you off. I thought I had you when I saw you playing that Hobbit in Lord of the Rings, but that turned out to be someone else.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I get that a lot.

They BATTLE, LORD OF ALL DARK MAGIC versus CLEARLY INCOMPETENT BOY WIZARD. Somehow, DANIEL isn't vaporized instantly. Luckily, his PARENTS, as GHOSTS OR SOMETHING, show up to save him. He teleports back to HOGWARTS.

INT. HOGWARTS

Everyone gathers around DANIEL.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Ha! My ridiculously complicated plan has come together at last! Now Ralph Fiennes, who clearly values his followers, will reward me for bringing him Daniel Radcliffe!

MICHAEL GAMBON

This was all part of your plan? Didn't he just need a drop of blood? Since you already infiltrated Hogwarts and befriended Daniel, would that really have been difficult to acquire?

BRENDAN GLEESON

Well, where's the three hour movie in that?

BRENDAN is arrested and DANIEL is SAFE until next year, where he will assuredly ALMOST DIE again.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

My parents showed up to save me when I was fighting Ralph, Michael.

MICHAEL GAMBON

You seem distressed. Is it because you miss them?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No. It was just such a Deus Ex Machina. I can't believe people put up with this fucking garbage.

END