INT. TRENDY YET TASTEFUL PENTHOUSE FLAT – LONDON

We open on a familiar scene – world-renowned AUTHOR and HERO TO MILLIONS JOANNE K. ROWLING sits at her writing desk, the BLANK PAGE of her WORD-PROCESSOR staring back at her, mocking her. With a sigh, she sips from a glass of WINE and rests her head in her hands.

JOANNE ROWLING

Come on, Jojo, think! Think! Everyone’s counting on you! You can’t crap out another Galbraith book! Oh sod it, I’m updating Pottermore.

As she tries desperately to think of a WIZARDY EQUIVALENT of WHICH-POWER-RANGER-IS-YOUR-LEFT-TESTICLE.BUZZFEED.COM, a mysterious SPARKLY FOG descends around her room. In a puff of CREATIVE MAGIC, a portly LEPRACHAUN astride a RESPLENDENT UNICORN appears upon her desk!

LEPRECHAUN

Top ‘o the mornin’ to ya there, lassie! Seems you’re in a bit of a creative slump, there!

JOANNE ROWLING

You’re too right, probable figment of my imagination! My wizarding world continuity is more tangled than gillyweed. That’s one of those pieces of plot-lubricating magic nonsense I used to be so good at creating. Ugh, I wonder if I can bring Time Turners back…

LEPRECHAUN

Well fear no more, fair maiden! I can be your guide through this authorly dry spell! Just click your heels, turn three times and spit, and we’ll be on our waaaayyy!

JOANNE summons a MAID to do all that and then follows the LEPRECHAUN into the realm of her IMAGINATION!

INT. AZKABANTANAMO BAY, NEW YORK CITY

Magical president CARMEN EJOGO and SOME WIZARD DUDE view their prisoner, SUPER SAIYAN JOHNNY DEPP, who has been held in captivity since the LAST FILM.

SOME WIZARD DUDE

At long last, the evilest, darkest wizard of all time is in our possession. We should probably kill him. I mean, it took all of ten minutes to put Katherine Waterston in the wizardy gas chamber in the last film, is there a reason we shouldn’t take Osama Kedavra out behind the shed and put two in his skull?

CARMEN EJOGO

No, he has not been tried yet. We have not yet convicted him of his crimes!

SOME WIZARD DUDE

Yeah, what ARE those anyway? The last movie just kind of shoved all that into a montage, if I recall.

CARMEN EJOGO

You mean apart from throwing wine glasses at his wife? I don’t know. He wants to kill Muggles or something. That’s why we took out his tongue.

SOME WIZARD DUDE

Oh! Is that why he can’t talk right?

CARMEN EJOGO

No, that’s because he chugs half a bottle of chardonnay before each take. Now let’s transfer him to another prison via flying carriage instead of fireplace teleporters because reasons.

They load DEPP into the CARRIAGE and TAKE OFF! But little do they know, DEPP is actually NOT DEPP but is in fact DEPP’S HENCHWIZARD! And the REAL DEPP was the HENCHWIZARD who they just LEFT BEHIND! Who then decides to turn BACK INTO DEPP and then TELEPORT ONTO THE CARRIAGE to… RESCUE his HENCHWIZARD hang on what the fuck?

LEPRECHAUN

It’s alright there, lassie! This is why the good lord invented first drafts! You can make all this make sense later, for now just keep your pen moving, girl!

JOANNE ROWLING

You’re right, I’m sorry, I’m overthinking this. So anyway…

The wizards re-enact the beginning of DARK KNIGHT RISES but with more WOOSHY SPELLS and even LESS COHERENT EDITING. Eventually, DEPP has seized control of the CARRIAGE!

JOHNNY DEPP

And now to begin phase two of my master plan!

DEPP pulls out a FLASK and a MIRROR striped with COKE LINES and clocks out for the afternoon.

INT. MINISTRY OF MAGIC, LONDON

Recently-inaugurated Tumblr boy crush EDDIE REDMAYNE reports to the MINISTRY for some EXPOSITION. In the foyer, he is stopped by ZOE KRAVITZ.

ZOE KRAVITZ

My my, if it isn’t my perhaps-maybe-once-upon-a-time boyfriend. How have you been, Eddie?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(mumbles something in whispered pig latin)

ZOE KRAVITZ

I, uh, huh? Aren’t you a theater actor? Enunciation is, like, the first thing you learn.

CALLUM TURNER

I’ll interpret for my brother, Zoe. Yes, that’s right, he has a brother. It’s me. I’m his brother.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Oh. Right. The guy I’m marrying. Eddie, I’m marrying your brother. I hope you’re okay with this.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I’m happy for you both. Even though the announcement of your engagement in the paper caused Katherine Waterston to dump me.

ZOE KRAVITZ

(pause)

(checking script)

…were you two together? Did I miss a movie in between the last one and this?

CALLUM TURNER

Anyway, Eddie, I have been tasked with informing you that after your reckless actions in the last movie, you are being placed under a TRAVEL BAN. Did you hear that? A TRAVEL BAN. You have been BANNED from TRAVEL, not unlike certain other peoples an ignorant and fearful society may one day consider dangerous. Wouldn’t it be a terrible shame if well-meaning citizens such as yourself might face a TRAVEL BAN despite-

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Okay, well, I need to go to Paris for covert spy reasons. Ta-ta!

(gets there in like ten seconds)

CALLUM TURNER

(pause)

…drain the swamp?

INT. PARIS

In PARIS, EDDIE goes to meet his secret CONTACT. Can you guess who it is? Go on! Guess!

LEPRECHAUN

Is it a new and interesting wizard spy we’ve never met before?

JOANNE ROWLING

No, you fool! It’s Dumblemotherfuckingdor!

LEPRECHAUN

Lordy! Looks like you’re getting the hang of this, Joanne! Everyone loves seeing the same characters over and over again!

Yes folks, get ready to CREAM your BUCKBEAK KIGURUMIS, because DUMBLEDORE is YOUNG(ish) and HOT now! And he’s played by JUDE LAW!

JUDE LAWMBLEDORE

Greetings, Eddie. Glad you could join me on this mission.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Anything for an old professor, Jude. Though I’m confused as to why you need the help of a glorified dog catcher for your spy plot.

JUDE LAWMBLEDORE

Ah, but you’re the only one I can trust with this, Eddie! For you see, Ezra Miller is lost somewhere in Paris. I must find him.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Um, no, sorry, he’s dead. He’s very dead. He exploded in a ball of wizard rage. He’s dead.

JUDE LAWMBLEDORE

But that’s where you’re wrong, Eddie! I have reason to believe Ezra survived and is living in what are you doing?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(checking script)

Did I miss a movie in between this one and-

JUDE LAWMBLEDORE

EDDIE, FOCUS. Ezra’s alive. He’s the subject of an ancient and powerful prophecy. How he lived or what the prophecy is are not important. What is important is that you use your Fantastic Beasts to explore Paris and turn Ezra to the Light Side of the Force. And please, please use your Beasts. We need to justify the title of this prequel series somehow.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You can count on me, Jude. Though I must say, I can’t imagine what kind of contrived scenario Ezra would be in where my zoological expertise would prove usef-

INT. FUCKING WIZARD CIRCUS

EZRA balefully scoops ELEPHANT POO while his friend, CLAUDIA KIM, watches from a cage nearby.

EZRA MILLER

Don’t worry, Claudia. I have a plan that will get us out of here. Because slavery is still a thing in wizard Paris, I guess.

CLAUDIA KIM

I hope so, Ezra. If only we could find a way to get you out of Justice League, too.

EZRA MILLER

One miracle at a time, Claudia. Now quiet, the show’s beginning.

RINGLEADER

Laaaadies and gentlemen! Feast your eyes on this, the most terrible, monstrous, indescribable creature known to wizard kind! Fear this loathsome and repugnant young waif, that most base of wizard creatures! For she is what is known as a PLOTCONNECTIVITUS, existing in this foul state only to create continuity between film series where none needs to exist!

He forces CLAUDIA into the RING, where she turns into a big CGI PYTHON. The AUDIENCE claps and mumbles awkwardly because they’re fucking WIZARDS and they learned about ANIMAL TRANSFORMATION in THIRD GRADE.

EZRA MILLER

(shouting at the crowd)

She also turns into Voldemort’s pet later on!

The AUDIENCE becomes ENRAGED at how POINTLESS that is and begin DESTROYING the CIRCUS! Seizing their opportunity, EZRA and CLAUDIA escape!

INT. HOUSE

At his PARISIAN SAFEHOUSE, EDDIE is surprised to find his friends DAN FOGLER and ALISON SUDOL have followed him to EUROPE!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Goodness. Dan. Alison. It’s good to see you. Hopefully my vacant expression conveys this in a charming way.

ALISON SUDOL

Yep, we’re here alright! And we’re getting married! Isn’t that right, sweetheart!

DAN FOGLER

My body acts of its own accord while my conscious mind screams inside! I mean yes! Married!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I could have sworn you had your mind wiped, Dan. Care to explain, or is this something else we’ll just gloss over?

DAN FOGLER

Nah, you see, the mind-wipe only applied to bad memories! I sure remember my snookums here, and how much I love her and long for death trapped in this hell-prison that is my living flesh!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Ah, that’s a new rule. So I guess if a Muggle is in our world while in a generally good mood the mind-wipe won’t count? How strange. Also I can’t help but notice you’re sweating profusely and scribbling “help help oh god help” on my tablecloth. Is that another silly side effect of-

DAN FOGLER

(taking a picture of himself with a flash camera)

GrrrraaaAAAHHHH I’M FREE! OH GOD I’M FREE! ALISON MIND-CONTROLLED ME TO TAKE ME TO EUROPE WHERE WE CAN GET LEGALLY MARRIED! SHE’S A MONSTER, EDDIE! AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!

ALISON SUDOL

Aw babe, the fact that you think it’s kind of fucked up that I Get Out’d you makes me feel like you’re just not committed to me! I can’t be a part of this relationship! Goodbye forever!

(exits, crying)

DAN and EDDIE stare at each other.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You asshole.

(pause)

Would you like to go catch a wizard lion with me?

They DO. It connects to BASICALLY NOTHING.

EXT. HOGWARTS, WAIT, HOGWARTS?!

JOANNE ROWLING

Come on, it makes story-sense for them to go back to Hogwarts at some point. It’s an important place in every British magic-user’s life, and Dumbledore works there. It’s not just fan wank.

LEPRECHAUN

Sure it ain’t, lass. Suuuuure it ain’t…

Inside YEP it’s FUCKING HOGWARTS, some MINISTRY WIZARDS confront JUDE during his LECTURE.

JUDE LAWMBLEDORE

…And that’s why we need Chasers and Beaters even though the Seeker is the only Quidditch player that ever matters. Good class, everyone. Be right on time tomorrow so we can go over the plot holes in Cursed Child.

MINISTRY WIZARD

Morning, Jude. We’ve come with a simple request. Kill Johnny Depp at the behest of a wizard government you hate. Do a good job and we’ll greenlight Young Pope season 2.

JUDE LAWMBLEDORE

You don’t understand, Officer Scowly. Johnny and I were… close, once. Very close.

MINISTRY WIZARD

You mean gay? You were gay together? Come on, Jude, it’s 2018. Dumbledore being gay was common knowledge back in the Bush administration. We’re over it.

JUDE LAWMBLEDORE

No! Um. There was an amulet. Yeah. A blood amulet. We made a blood amulet together and I can’t kill him or the amulet will be, um, mad at me.

MINISTRY WIZARD

Ooookay. Well, in that case, I’ll have to place you under house arrest. The fact that you won’t commit this extrajudicial hit job for us means we can’t trust you.

ZOE KRAVITZ

You monsters! How dare you besmirch-

MINISTRY WIZARD

Yeeaghgh! Where did you come from?!

ZOE KRAVITZ

I work for you guys, or something. But I’m also right pissed! For you see, when I was a student here at Hogwarts…

We FLASH BACK to some STUDENTS getting into HIJINKS in HOGWARTS while a YOUNG MCGONNAGALL desperately tries to maintain order! We also see such CALLBACKS as the WHOMPING WILLOW swaying gently, silhouetted before the KRAKEN LAKE, while the HOGWARTS TRAIN puffs merrily over the BRIDGE with LEGOLAS and CHEWBACCA waving from the windows!

Oh also, ZOE is afraid of WHITE SHEETS for some reason! Hopefully that will be IMPORTANT LATER!

INT. SEWER DUNGEON, PARIS

Having decided this movie doesn’t have ENOUGH CHARACTERS YET, EDDIE decides to bring KATHERINE WATERSTON back into the mix. He finds her in the PARISIAN SEWERS, locked in a CELL.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

(pouting)

Hello, Eddie. Are you here to apologize?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(long pause)

Look, I pretty obviously have some wizard equivalent of Aspberger’s so I’m not great at picking up on emotional cues. Why are you pissed at me? Please don’t tease this out, please, oh please.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

You know what you did.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

NO I LITERALLY DON’T. ARE WE IN LOVE OR SOMETHING? DID I CHEAT ON YOU WITH A HOUSE ELF? GIVE ME A HINT HERE.

But suddenly HOLY SHIT A NEW CHARACTER SHOWS UP THIS ISN’T GAME OF THRONES JOANNE SAVE SOME FOR PARTS THREE THRU FIVE.

WILLIAM NADYLAM

Greetings, bickering protagonist couple. I regret to inform you that I, a mysterious wizard, must imprison you down here for mysterious reasons.

EDDIE AND KATHERINE

(just sort of open the cage)

WILLIAM NADYLAM

Damn, my plan is foiled. I suppose now I shall have to fight-

(collapses due to wizard parasites wait what?)

JOANNE ROWLING

Bollocks, I should probably explain what those actually are.

LEPRECHAUN

Now now, lassie. Did we ever need explanations about your gillyweed? Or Time Turners? Or that liquid luck that made Ron believe in himself and win the Quidditch tourney?

JOANNE ROWLING

No, I guess not. People will get it.

We cut back to EDDIE performing EYE SURGERY on WILLIAM. After the parasite is EXTRACTED this is NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

WILLIAM NADYLAM

Thank you. Now I suppose I should explain who I am and why I’m following you and why I imprisoned you in-

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Nah, you’re good. In fact, we trust you. Go ahead and stay in our friend Nicholas Flamel’s house.

WILLIAM NADYLAM

Wait, what?

JOANNE ROWLING

Wait, what?

LEPRECHAUN

(massaging her into a dreamy stupor)

Callbacks, Joanne. Caaaaaallbaaaacks…

They go and see NICHOLAS FUCKING FLAMEL for a hot second. This affects NOTHING.

INT. PARIS MINISTRY OF MAGIC

KATHERINE and EDDIE decide to sneak into PARIS’S equivalent of the PENTAGON to gain access to DOCUMENTS that apparently show EZRA’S LINEAGE. Being the strong, capable, and mature adult woman she is, KATHERINE decides this is the best time to MOAN at EDDIE for not WORSHIPPING HER enough.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

I’ll never forgive you, Eddie. You’re a terrible person, your hair is stupid, and what the hell was even going on in Jupiter Ascending?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Katherine, please, I’m begging you, I am sick with confusion about what our character dynamic even is right now. And my Polyjuice potion wore off before I even got through security so my face will be all over Wizard Interpol in a minute. Please, pleeease tell me how I wounded you.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

You got ENGAGED, Eddie! You got ENGAGED to ZOE without even TELLING ME.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

(long pause)

(inhales deeply)

Are you fucking kidding me? You saw my brother’s engagement announcement to Zoe and you just assumed I’d dumped you out of nowhere for one of Immortan Joe’s wives? THAT’s why you’re pissed at me?

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Oh Eddie, I’ve been a terrible fool. I’m sorry. Please, if you could forgive me, maybe we could love again-

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WE WERE FUCKING IN LOVE AND NOW WE’RE HAVING THIS BIG RECONCILIATION?!?

CALLUM TURNER

Finally I’ve found-!

EDDIE hits him with the MAGIC VERSION of a PNEUMATIC PISTON to the CHEST, then stands there, BREATHING HEAVILY, physically SHAKING with RAGE.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

(tentatively)

Alllright, buddy. Let’s… let’s go… get that macguffin, huh?

They DO. It’s THRILLING OR SOMETHING. WHATEVER.

INT. PARISIAN CRYPT

All the PRINCIPALS are summoned to some random CRYPT because JOHNNY DEPP spooged black CURTAINS all over PARIS. YES REALLY.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Eddie! Katherine! A bunch of people I’ve never met before! I think it’s finally time I explain my family’s dark secret!

DAN FOGLER

Uh, who are you?

ZOE KRAVITZ

I’ll explain that too! You see, my father was Corvus Lestrange, a vile Parisian lord who desired my mother, a beautiful upper-class Senegalese immigrant. So he controlled her with the Imperius Curse and I was born of their union. But little did I know, she had a child with her previous husband. And that child… is WILLIAM NADYLAM!

Everyone looks at WILLIAM while he SHRUGS in a corner.

LEPRECHAUN

(clapping)

Well done, lassie, a fine plot twist. Now let’s wrap this up before-

JOANNE ROWLING

(eyes wide and gleaming)

Wait, there’s more.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Meanwhile, William swore a vow to revenge himself upon the man who wronged his mother, so he swore an Unbreakable Vow to kill that which my father loved most. Knowing Corvus had another son, he dedicated his life to tracking down the child, and the recent disturbances in Paris led him to the inescapable conclusion that that child was… EZRA MILLER!

Everyone turns to look at EZRA, who is drawing a little DIAGRAM to keep TRACK of all this.

LEPRECHAUN

Alright, uh, well lassie, you’ve sure twisted this plot something fierce. Now, let’s get to-

JOANNE ROWLING

(snorting a line of fairy dust)

No. More. More twists. Super twists. You’ll see. You’ll ALL see.

ZOE KRAVITZ

But William was misled! For you see, in my childhood in Corvus’ manor, I came to loathe the infant son he loved more than his daughter or either of his wives. He sent his children away on a ship to be adopted in America, and during the voyage I became distraught by my half-brother’s incessant crying. In a fit of pique, I switched the swaddled infant with another child in the exact same pajamas, and then the boat began to sink. To my horror, my half-brother’s lifeboat capsized, and to this day I am haunted by the image of his tiny body wrapped in a white sheet, descending beneath the waves.

(pause)

Also the ship might have been the Titanic.

EVERYONE checks their SCRIPTS to make sure they didn’t SKIP A MOVIE while the LEPRECHAUN cowers away from a manically typing JOANNE.

In the CATACOMBS below the CRYPT, JOHNNY is giving a SPEECH to his FOLLOWERS.

JOHNNY DEPP

Greetings, witches and wizards who Rowling will no doubt tweet fascinating backstories for later. I come to you with a simple message – we must kill or enslave all Muggles and thereby Make the Wizarding World Great Again!

SOME GUY

(shouting from the back)

Project more! We can’t understand you!

JOHNNY DEPP

Piss off. Anyway, you must all heed my warnings, for I have glimpsed the future by smoking out of this skull bong I suddenly have. Behold!

JOHNNY takes a DANK RIP and exhales SPLENDOROUS VAPE CLOUDAGE, revealing the FUTURE. We see SPITFIRE PLANES spraying BULLETS over RUINED EUROPEAN CITIES while the horrific NUCLEAR MUSHROOM CLOUD frames the image of CIVILIANS being marched to HOLY SHIT CONCENTRATION CAMPS?!

JOHNNY DEPP

Yes! Now you see my true motivation! I, Johnny Depp, also known as Grindelwald or maybe Grindel-vald nobody’s really clear on that, will now unveil my masterful villainous scheme. I… will PREVENT THE HOLOCAUST!

There is some UNCOMFORTABLE SHUFFLING as the audience tries to UNPACK how this series has suddenly become about a LOVEABLE WIZARD POKEMON TRAINER and his POWER RANGER FRIENDS trying to STOP CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW from PREVENTING WORLD WAR II.

CALLUM TURNER

(remembering he’s police and he’s just been standing there like a knob-end)

Shit, I’m supposed to arrest that guy. Move in!

The AURORS attack as all of JOHNNY’s FOLLOWERS TELEPORT AWAY to spread his INCREDIBLY CONFUSING MESSAGE. But JOHNNY thwarts them by summoning a RING OF FIRE.

JOHNNY DEPP

Only those who truly believe in my cause can cross this flame, gents. Observe, even my henchmen are being consumed.

HENCWIZARD

(burning alive)

I stuck by you after Mortdecai, you asshooooole…!

CALLUM TURNER

Eddie, the flames are coming nearer! There’s no way we can survive this!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

I have an idea, Callum! What if we used magic?!

CALLUM TURNER

It’s insane but it just might work!

CALLUM and EDDIE are the only WIZARDS in the room to realize they have WANDS and begin FIGHTING BACK the FLAMES! But then, ALISON approaches the FIERY WALL!

ALISON SUDOL

I’m sorry, Dan. I can’t live in this bigoted world that won’t let a witch and Muggle get married. I’m going with Johnny. Hopefully his genocidal stance against your people will bring us together one day.

DAN FOGLER

Wait, so now one of the only two Jewish characters in Harry Potter is going to join the wizard Nazis? What the actual fuck is going on?!

EZRA MILLER

I, too, shall join Johnny. Perhaps then I will learn the secret of my lineage.

CLAUDIA KIM

I am also here.

The four of them gather in the CIRCLE of NONSENSICAL MOTIVATIONS and APPARATE AWAY, leaving only CHILLED SILENCE in their wake.

Oh also ZOE died for some reason.

EDDIE AND CALLUM

Bollocks. I wanted to tap that.

EXT. HOGWARTS AGAIN

Having accomplished BASICALLY NOTHING, EDDIE goes to see JUDE again.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Sorry I couldn’t kill your ex, Jude. But my niffler managed to steal his blood amulet. Is this important?

JUDE LAMBLEDORE

Oh, it is, Eddie! For you see, back when we were schoolmates-

JUDE spouts some more CANON FANFICTION while EDDIE checks the SCRIPT for the usual reasons.

INT. TRENDY YET TASTEFUL PENTHOUSE FLAT – LONDON

Her CREATIVE BINGE over, JOANNE leans back in her chair, smiling at the SCREENPLAY glinting on the screen before her.

LEPRECHAUN

That was… that was quite something, dear. I’ve never seen a prequel quite so prequel-y. How about oooone more twist. You’ve earned it.

JOANNE ROWLING

(twitching)

Okay fuck it. Ezra’s a secret Dumbledore brother. You've been an excellent muse, Leprechaun. Now give me more fairy dust, that shit is tight.

JOANNE gratefully snorts a final mound of FAIRY DUST, only to discover an odd sensation – her arms have become heavy, her feet planted on the FLOOR. She STRUGGLES as the IMPERIUS CURSE overwhelms her, but it is TOO LATE. Her hands, acting of their own accord, have already hit SEND, and the screenplay is on the way to the PRODUCERS who will never say NO to anything she sends them.

As she gazes in MUTE HORROR, the LEPRECHAUN mounts the UNICORN, which is now CHANGING. The similarly-bewitched form of PETER JACKSON now stands in its place, struggling against the same curse that now afflicts JOANNE.

The LEPRECHAUN mounts his prized possession, his shape changing into that of a PORTLY 70-YEAR OLD MAN, his SHOCK OF WHITE HAIR and TURKEY NECK becoming unmistakable.

GEORGE LUCAS

People are going to love these prequels, Jo. Trust me. They’re so dense. Every single frame has so much going on.

In a PUFF of ILM-patented CGI PARTICLE EFFECTS and SPECIAL EDITION RE-RE-EDITS, LUCAS disappears.

END.