FADE IN:

INT. RICHARD GRIFFITHS'S HOUSE

Just to make sure the audience doesn't actually think they are watching a movie for mature minds, we endure some more of DANIEL'S CARTOONISHLY RIDICULOUS ASSHOLE FAMILY.

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

Now, I have a very important person coming over tonight, so don't allow your bizarre behavior ruin anything for me!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What is this, a sitcom now?

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

Pretty much. There's even a scene with a cake-in-the-face gag. To make sure nothing goes wrong, you must stay in your room. And don't call child services on me while you're in there, even though it would pretty much solve all of your problems.

Amazingly, GOLLUM from LORD OF THE RINGS picks tonight to be the very night he shows up to wreak some havoc. Things go poorly for RICHARD, who adds a lock to DANIEL'S ROOM and locks him inside. Suddenly, RUPERT GRINT shows up in a flying SHITMOBILE.

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody 'ell Daniel! Let's go back to Hogwarts!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hooray! I can't wait to leave this house of stupid adults and get myself to Hogwarts, which is full of evil adults instead!

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah! Nothing like being in the company of evil adults with superpowers that want to kill you!

RUPERT helps DANIEL escape while RICHARD tries to unlock the door to get into DANIEL'S room, even though the door is locked from the outside to begin with. Eventually they make their way to Hogwarts, where they are nearly killed by a FUCKING TREE because everything at Hogwarts is DANGEROUS AS HELL.

INT. HOGWARTS

Absolutely nothing happens for a while, and eventually the kids meet KENNETH BRANAGH.

KENNETH BRANAGH

I'm your new defense of the dark arts teacher this year. Don't worry about me just because your last teacher turned out to have an evil guy on the back of his head - there's nothing suspicious about me, even though having such a famous actor playing the part indicates the role is quite significant.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What are you even doing in this movie, anyway? Did you run out of Shakespeare plays or something?

The kids sit through classes that just so happen to teach exactly the things that will be relevant to the main plot of the movie.

EMMA WATSON

Professor Smith, I was wondering if you would skip today's scene of kids studying from books and teach us something else.

MAGGIE SMITH

What, a spell to help control your embarrassing overacting?

EMMA WATSON

I was thinking maybe some dull background-story exposition.

MAGGIE SMITH

Fair enough. Many years ago, when Hogwarts was founded, one of the four wizards who started it was kind of an asshole. He made a special secret room in the school that contains a monster, and some day his heir will return to the school and the monster will be released and murder a whole bunch of children.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sounds like a real fucking dickstain. Why'd you name one of the four houses after him?

MAGGIE SMITH

Ugh, who gives a shit? Is my one scene in this movie over yet?

Eventually DANIEL finds the diary of CHRISTIAN COULSON, and he talks to it by writing inside of it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow, we've moved from watching kids study books and take classes to watching kids write in books. This is some riveting shit right here.

CHRISTIAN COULSON'S BOOK

Other childhood fantasy films may focus on the sense of wonder that being a child offers. Only this movie is daring enough to focus on the most boring part of being a kid: schoolwork.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

So what's the deal with the monster that eats children with non-magical parents?

CHRISTIAN COULSON'S BOOK

I think it was, um, the guy with the beard. Robbie Coltrane.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What an obvious misdirection. I'll go ahead and follow up on this clearly worthless clue, since otherwise there would just be more scenes of kids learning stuff at school.

DANIEL and RUPERT investigate, and nearly get eaten by a FUCKTON OF SPIDERS.

RUPERT GRINT

(mugging)

Bwaaa, I don't like spiders, Daniel!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yeah well, I don't like that stupid face you make. You look like someone has a finger up your ass all the time.

They escape using the SHITMOBILE, which apparently has a mind of its own or something.

EMMA WATSON

So I've hatched a plan that will help us figure out if that blonde little shit, Tom Felton, is the heir that can reopen the chamber. We can drink potions that will make us look like his fat friends and then ask him if he's the heir. It'll take a month.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

A month, just to find out that one specific kid isn't the heir? So we wait a month and find out he's not - then what?

EMMA WATSON

It's the best plan we have!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Despite the idiocy of that defense, I'll go along with your worthless plan.

DANIEL and RUPERT drink some potions and are transformed into TOM FELTON'S FAT FRIENDS.

FAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hello, good friend Tom Felton. I'm your buddy, and there's nothing strange about me.

FAT RUPERT GRINT

I'm definitely not Rupert Grint, bloody 'ell.

TOM FELTON

Mrrpffppggllee.

FAT RUPERT GRINT

What? It sounds like you have oranges in your mouth or something.

TOM FELTON

Frfllg. Mrl frrmgglph.

FAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Seriously, I can't understand you at all. Did your mouth not grow as fast as the rest of your body or something? Just tell us if you're the heir.

TOM FELTON

Grrllmbrlgr.

FAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Is that a no? Great, this was a complete waste of half an hour.

Eventually the plot progresses itself forward without the help of its characters.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Look at the wall! Someone has scrawled a message on it! In blood!

RUPERT GRINT

"Send Daniel into the dungeon. It's time for the film's climax." Bloody 'ell, you can't get much more direct than that.

INT. CHAMBER OF SECRETS

DANIEL, RUPERT, and KENNETH BRANAGH all search for WHOEVER THE BAD GUY IS, because he has kidnapped RUPERT'S SISTER.

KENNETH BRANAGH

By the way, it turns out I'm an evil bastard. Now I'll kill you both.

He FAILS and his memory is erased, resulting in him being a nice guy, because apparently being evil is learned and can be forgotten.

RUPERT GRINT

Through a plot contrivance, you'll have to confront the bad guy by yourself, Daniel. Good luck. Bloody 'ell.

DANIEL eventually finds a room full of SNAKE STATUES and discovers that the bad guy is...

CHRISTIAN COULSON

Ha-ha! It is I, the guy who wrote that diary you found a few minutes ago!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh my God. This movie is so stupid. Seriously, why do people like this crap?

CHRISTIAN COULSON

But I'm not just a guy! I am, in fact, the diary itself! I've stored my 16-year-old self in this diary, so that I could one day regain my strength and emerge!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Did your 16-year-old self always drone on and on about his brilliant plan? Why are you telling me all of this?

CHRISTIAN COULSON

It's very important to me you know who I really am before I kill you. You see, I am not merely Christian Coulson - but I am in fact Voldemort as a boy! The proof is that my name is an anagram for "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT" How's that for a twist?!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Let me see if I understand this - you decided to change your name when you were young. In picking the new name, you discovered that your existing name, the one your parents gave you, just so happened to be an anagram for "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT", and that's how you picked your new name?

CHRISTIAN COULSON

Yes. That happened.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You should have picked "Mr. Lead Drool Vomit" instead.

CHRISTIAN and DANIEL fight. A PHOENIX EX MACHINA suddenly appears, claws out the eyes of a GIANT SNAKE, drops a hat containing a sword, and heals RUPERT'S SISTER. Then DANIEL destroys the DIARY, which kills CHRISTIAN COULSON.

RICHARD HARRIS

Great work, Daniel! Way to murder a 16 year old boy!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What the hell was with that ending? What complete bullshit. That bird just came out of nowhere and saved my bacon.

RICHARD HARRIS

That's the great thing about writing about magic! You can write yourself into a corner, then make anything you want happen at the end and just say "Hey, it's magic!"

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Ugh. How many more of these stupid movies are you and I going to have to do?

RICHARD HARRIS

Well, YOU are going to do five more.

END