FADE IN:

INT. MAGICAL STARBUCKS

JUDE LAW reveals the first chilling secret of Dumbledore: sometimes he rides the SUBWAY.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Hello Jude, it's me, Grindelwald. Johnny Depp was written out, and Katherine Waterston, and all the queer fans, because Warner Brothers has a backward view of which people are actually problematic.

JUDE LAW

Oh I can bring the queer fans back for sure! Watch this! Finally, at long last, I can confirm...

(deep breath)

When we were young, I was in [CHINA VERSION] with you. So deeply [CHINA VERSION] with you that I had all these ideas about wizards coming out of their magically-expanded closets, then I got mature and gave up on silly ideas like social change.

(pause)

And those are my secrets. All of them. Right there. Isn't your mind so totally blown?

MADS MIKKELSEN

Damn, I thought Rowling would say you've always been Chinese or something.

EXT. MAGICAL JUNGLE

EDDIE REDMAYNE helps a magical DEER called a QILIN give birth.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

It's me, expert on Magical Animals, which - hey why are some animals magic anyway? Some of these are just, like, blue hummingbirds with funny heads. You mean there's a coordinated effort by multiple world governments to keep these secret? But the mantis shrimp and blobfish are fine?

EZRA MILLER bursts in and steals both the BABY QILIN and the SEVERUS SNAPE HAIRDO! But they do a shitty job of BOTH, leaving a second BABY QILIN behind and getting their wig from a dollar store.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oh no, Ezra Miller has gone completely off the rails!

OTHER BABY QILIN

Are you going to add the "And so has their character!" joke?

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Did I even HAVE to? Even keeping them in this parody feels gross.

EDDIE rides away on an animal that is just a HEART-SHAPED BALLOON.

INT. HOGSMEDE - REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HOGSMEDE? DON'T YOU STILL LOVE THIS SERIES SO MUCH? COME BACK, LATER WE REFERENCE COCKROACH CLUSTERS!

EDDIE and his BORING BROTHER walk past some Mads Mikkelsen Wanted Posters PFFFFFT HAHAHAHA "Wanted" posters for Mads Mikkelsen. Imagine walking down your street twenty years ago and seeing "Wanted! Osama Bin Laden" posters. Maybe someone hung them up ironically.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Hey Jude, we have your Qilin. How are you going to use this to attack Mads?

BORING BROTHER

(looking bored)

Yeah, how are we going to like stop the end of our society or whatever.

JUDE LAW

Hey, I see your brother turned into an audience stand-in. Anyway, I can't attack Mads, we're fluid-bonded.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Come again?

JUDE LAW

Can't do that either. See, Mads and I mixed our blood together in this amulet; it means I can't even THINK about attacking him. If I do, the amulet will magically scratch up all the wallpaper - aiee, there it goes!

(amulet bonks against the wall a few times)

(really, that's it)

Whew, that was close! So I can't think about stopping Mads. Now let me tell you my plan for stopping Mads, apparently without thinking about it. For instance, I will now talk all about how bigotry is tearing the world apart while somehow not thinking about Joanne Rowling OH NOOOOOO THE AMULET IS DENTING THE PLASTER

INT. MADS' MIKKMANSION

MADS kills his baby deer, because killing children is honestly the only way ROWLING can distinguish the good team from the bad team.

ALISON SUDOL

OMG! I, who can read minds, am so totally surprised you did that!

EZRA MILLER

ehhh blehhh i'm so lonely whatevvvv

ALISON SUDOL

Wow, nice Edward Cullen impression. You've clearly given up on your performance altogether. And on being a rational human.

EZRA MILLER

oooooh your mind reading powers are sooo deductive, tell me about my genealogy i care so much about magic genealogy

ALISON SUDOL

Okay you're super-powerful because of your lineage, because it doesn't matter who you grow up to be but who you are born. And Dumbledore didn't domesticate Fawkes with his amazing skill, he inherited him thanks to magic estate planning. Also my real name is Hedwiggian Sudowl, but you can call me Hedwig. Why not. Magic is fun.

EZRA MILLER

I see you've given up too.

INT. MAGICAL TRAIN(WRECK OF A FRANCHISE)

The GOOD GUYS converge.

DAN FOGLER

Oh, I miss my Alison! The way she bewitched me as her mindless sex slave for months, then joined the wizard Nazis... I'm sure that's just a phase. I love her.

JESSICA WILLIAMS

I'm a teacher! I was about to be assaulted but it turned out I was making it up as a joke, wtf? And that's all you're getting for my personality.

VICTORIA YEATES

I'm Eddie's assistant, I want to tap that, and that's it for MY personality!

WILLIAM NYADLAM

I'll spy on Mads, by walking up and saying "Hey I'm a spy," and hoping Alison Sudol pretends I'm telling the truth despite nothing suggesting she will. Also I get mind-wiped of my dead sister, but that'll probably undo itself for no reason.

BORING BROTHER

And there's me, bringing all the dramatic intensity of a slow internet connection. What's your plan, Eddie? I'll be sure to halfheartedly scoff at it.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Mads can kinda see the future, so we need to do random shit with no objective while Victoria solves the entire conflict herself, then we'll take credit from her. After all - I really say this - the best plan is NO plan! So we'll either make Parasite or the Star Wars sequels, it's a gamble.

INT. MAGICAL POLITICAL PRESS CONFERENCE

Step one of the BEST PLAN IS NO PLAN: the heroes go to Berlin to watch the HEAD... WIZARDY PERSON... GUY give a speech.

JESSICA WILLIAMS

This is broadcast live, worldwide, on magic curtains. We could have done this from my couch.

DAN FOGLER

Wizards have TVs and political fundraisers? Huh, I wondered why my enthusiasm was dwindling so fast.

HEAD WIZARDY PERSON

I've judged there's no proof for Mikkelsen's crimes! He can now run for Head Wizard Person, the election is in two days!

BORING BROTHER

No proof? But we all saw the crimes of Grindelwald, it was horrible! I mean, they were! He murdered a child! He impersonated a government official! He incinerated my fiancée who I haven't mentioned at all! He defecated through a sunroof! You have to stop him!

BORING is arrested and thrown in a BLACK-SITE PRISON where JOANNE ROWLING probably thinks all the TERFs will be forced to use the bathroom.

PRISON RECEPTIONIST

So we hang prisoners upside-down around the edge of a pit with no guards or cells, and each of them gets a firefly. Then at some point, the firefly dies, and a Godzilla Scorpion lunges out, eats them, and spits out their gooey skeleton.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

That's just a needlessly cruel and over-elaborate execution system.

PRISON RECEPTIONIST

I wasn't done! While you walk past the screaming victims getting dismembered, you have to do the funky chicken!

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Oh, we were executing the TONE! My bad, I misunderstood.

(gyrates)

EDDIE crab-shuffles to BORING BROTHER, unties him in a quarter-second, and they groove their way back past the other PROBABLY INNOCENT VICTIMS.

BORING BROTHER

You know, we could easily release these people as we hula-jig past them, it wouldn't even slow us down.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Hey now, we can't contradict the special Harry Potter method for dealing with wrongfully condemned groups: "Only help the Good One, the rest are horrible stereotypes and don’t deserve your help.” (See: giants, werewolves, house-elves, centaurs, Slytherins, Muggles, prisoners, factory workers, goblins Nope there weren't any good goblins were there)

BORING BROTHER

My firefly died, now we're gonna get dismembered, help or something.

(halfhearted scoff)

EDDIE REDMAYNE

You really are something, aren't you.

The LAND REAPER LEVIATHAN attacks, trying to stab the fuck out of them! Fortunately it's clearly aiming for THE WALL NEXT TO THEM, as every time it is actually about to kill the heroes, it stops inches from their face to HISS A BIT until they move out of the way.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

And of course, Jude gave us a Portkey that doesn’t follow any of the established Portkey rules, which he apparently knew we’d need even before he knew Mads would be exonerated and have USE of this prison, let alone us going here, but hey it takes us to HOGWARTS!

BORING BROTHER

Could've just apparated directly into Hogwarts instead.

(pause)

What? We did it last movie.

INT. MIKKELSEN-A-LAGO

EZRA hangs out with the DARK PHOENIX while MIKKLESON cuddles the dead baby deer in a swimming pool.

DISCOUNT BELLATRIX

Are you sure Ezra can kill the greatest wizard alive? All they've done is punch holes in a few buildings and lose every fight that wasn't against an old lady.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Ahh, but we know Jude's weaknesses! I learned them all when we were young. First, cast Incarcerus on him. Then apply a verrry light Cruciatus Curse. Then put on your dragon-hide suit and inject a Saline Potion in his-

(gasp)

Whoa, I had a vision while chillin' with the Qilin! It had twins!

HEAD WIZARDY PERSON

Oh no, this could ruin your plan of having your zombie Qilin bow to you and demonstrate that you're pure of heart, thus making everyone vote for you! We need to stop it!

(checks script)

Wait, yes, I - head of the government - am CONSPIRING with you to STEAL this election. So the brave heroes need to STOP THE STEAL by storming the political convention while the votes are being certified! WHY. OH GOD. WHYYYYYYYY

EZRA embarks on their JUDE LAW ASSASSINATION MISSION to...

EXT. SOME RANDOM MUGGLE STREET

Like, this is their plan. Bump into JUDE LAW on some road, walk up to him while he's window-shopping, and pop a cap in his ass.

Do I even need to tell you how this goes?

JUDE LAW

Mads has lied to you about literally everything you idiot. That was the WHOLE CAUSE of your rampage in the first movie, remember?

(pause)

You should believe ME instead, how could I lie about anything? Hold up, I need to erase the entire illusion city I created to fight you in.

(pause)

And my brother knocked up some random chick who got sent away through no fault of his, she had you, then you were switched at birth anyway, so that's your origin story, conveniently adding no guilt or complexity to the heroes. M'kay?

(pause)

And you've got like two days to live. Terminal, uh, magicitis. Sorry about that.

(pause)

I care about you. Now let me abandon you in the street. Byeeeeee

EZRA MILLER

sooo stoned, this puddle feels like a massage chair

INT. MAGICAL POLITICAL DONOR BANQUET (WHICH SADLY IS NOT A BANQUET WHERE EVERYONE EATS THE POLITICAL DONORS)

DAN and JESSICA foil an assassination attempt on MADS!

DAN FOGLER

Sweet Jesus WHAT ARE WE DOING?! We could have won the whole franchise right there! That does it, I'm pointing my fake-ass wand at Mads, I don't give a shit, they had a whole pandemic to write this crap.

RANDOM NORWEGIAN

Gjøre! ASSASSIN!

JESSICA magically makes DAN wave his wand around, then makes PLATES FLY and RAIN FALL and FOOD SPILL and JANITORS GROAN.

EVERYONE

OH NOOOO! A VORTEX OF SLOWLY MOVING PLATES, IT'S AN ASSASSIN! AHHHHHHH RUNNNNNN

(stampedes to next room)

WHEW

NEWSPAPER

Murderous Muggle! Yes, we have a picture of a guy apparently doing magic, we've labeled him a Muggle, and are accusing him of using the magic we're saying he can't do to commit a murder. With floating dishware.

INT. HOGWARTS

Everyone regroups among the STUDENTS, who have all swapped their regular school uniforms for hotel bathrobes.

JUDE LAW

Perfect, we wasted a whole hour doing inexplicable, meaningless bullshit! That could have paid off if Mads did even ONE thing different as a result of our actions, but no.

(claps hands)

Now, here's the plan: the Qilin bows to anyone whose soul is perfectly pure, so its neck muscles will atrophy unless it sees Beyoncé. Just before the election - which is in ten minutes - Mads will have his fake Qilin bow to him. We need to burst in with the real one, and have it... NOT bow to him. Then everyone will realize Mads is evil, all his rabid followers will instantly renounce him and he'll get zero percent of the vote-

(falls over laughing)

EDDIE REDMAYNE

We'll need some clever way to expose his Qilin as the fake one, right?

JESSICA WILLIAMS

Nah, it'll keel over and re-die seconds after we arrive, meaning Mads' plan is doomed anyway.

JUDE LAW

(still on the floor)

Heh... heheheh... they'll be like "Oh that pygmy deer SNUBBED him, let's become peaceful moderates" pffffft ahahaha

VICTORIA YEATES

I had copies of Eddie's suitcase made. The real one has the Qilin. Let's all grab one at random and hope whoever has the right one gets to the election floor!

DAN FOGLER

It'll be tough, getting past all those guards trying to stop us, but - hey, what's that thing?

JUDE LAW

(trying to stand)

Oh, that? It's a- HEHEHEH- P-Portkey from the Room of Requirement - PAHAHA, it made a thing I can just make anyway - and it'll teleport us where we need to go, where a bunch of evil guards will be between us and our goal!

DAN FOGLER

But... couldn't it just teleport us PAST the guards straight to where we-

JUDE LAW

(wheezing)

Just give up, man. It's not worth it.

EXT. WIZARDTON D.C. - CAPITOL HILL

The guards chase the good guys and grab the SUITCASES. But all the cases are full of BAGEL AVALANCHES and BOOKS THAT FLAP IN YOUR FACE.

GUARDS

AAARGH NOT PILES OF BAGELS AND FLAPPY BOOKS, WE'RE SO DEFEATED RIGHT NOW

WILLIAM NYADLAM

Aha, I've betrayed the good guys! But now it turns out I... did NOT betray the good guys! WOO YEAH SUCCESSFUL MISSION BY WILLIAM NYADLAM, WAT WAAAAT

The Necro-Qilin bows to MADS, so everyone thinks YES LET'S VOTE FOR HIM, which sadly they'd probably be stupid enough to do in real life.

HEAD WIZARDY GUY

Aha, the crowd of like five hundred cast their votes by setting off fireworks, and in two seconds I decided a majority of fireworks might be green, without bothering to count the votes, so Mads Mikkelsen is now the Ruler of Everything!

(removes mask)

And I was Antonin Scalia all along!

MADS MIKKELSEN

I immediately declare war on all Muggles, starting with Dan Fogler, who tried to kill me with magic he can't use - God this is SO DUMB, I can't, I just can't any more, I too will give up and deliver my lines in that special "Somehow Palpatine Returned" tone. I've already said I hope Johnny Depp replaces me, get me OUT of this shitpile!

VICTORIA YEATES

(running in)

Sure thing! Hey everyone, I have another Qilin right here, this one's DEFINITELY impartial, can we just redo the whole election maybe?

MADS MIKKELSEN

GOD YES PLEASE - I mean, rrrrgh, you meddlin' Magizoologists, you've foiled me, arrrgh let's do this.

The proper QILIN looks around to see who's pure of heart. It bows to... DAN FOGLER!

DAN FOGLER

That actually didn't happen, although that's such a good idea, I'm sure it came up in a pitch meeting somewhere.

Instead it bows to... JUDE LAW!

JUDE LAW

Oh, PLEASE. This Qilin is defective, yo.

The QILIN reconsiders this, and bows to... some RANDOM CANDIDATE whose name is literally just Latin for SAINTLY WINNER.

JOANNE ROWLING

Hooray, and everyone picked the right candidate this time! Happy ending?

The QILIN looks at JOANNE ROWLING, and un-bows so fast its head FLIPS BACKWARD and its NECK SNAPS.

MADS MIKKELSEN

And I said "Fuck it" and tried to kill Ezra on live TV, and then the blood amulet suddenly broke because FJSLKDFJKS7L SJFDkSIKDFHWOIEFHSKLDFJSKLFH, so Jude and I started to duel but decided not to anyway, so none of that mattered at all.

(sneers)

Who will [CHINA] you now, Dumblawdore?

JUDE LAW

What, you think I'm so cut up over my nineteen-year-old breakup that I'll swear off sex and relationships forever, becoming a lonely old gay whose biggest delight is finding new weird candies? Fuck THAT, where's the nearest drag bar?

(leaves)

INT. DAN'S NO-LONGER-FAILING BAKERY

DAN marries ALISON, because being an abusive facist doesn't matter when it's TRUE LOVE.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

Wait. Ezra is dead, the blood amulet no longer exists, Katherine and I are sort of together, Alison is good, Nagini is absent, Mads isn’t defeated... did all we accomplish in this movie is undoing the PREVIOUS movie?

DAN FOGLER

We declared Crimes of Grindelwald null and void? Well SOMETHING positive came of this.

JOHNNY DEPP

(with his full $16 million salary)

Indeed it did.

END. (WE CERTAINLY HOPE SO)